Journaling Self Discovery Challenge Day 1

What would you be doing if money wasn’t an issue? 

So I pondered this question and I swear I go back and forth with the answer. I mean at first I thought well if I am absolutely honest with myself I would just do nothing. If money isn't an issue then I could be found on a beach relaxing drinking a banana margaritas (yes that's a thing). 

But of course I feel guilt for wanting to do nothing. How does lounging on the beach help anyone? It doesn't really help me. And if money isn't an issue, wouldn't we be better equipped to help others? 

I recently found out about Signature Strengths and one of mine happens to be love of learning. Call me a nerd, geek, whatever, I have a vast knowledge of pop culture, and knowledge of random facts (like if I see certain birds in the neighborhood I look them up by attributes and never forget it, so I can identify birds to the point that I really want to join the Audubon Society). AND even though most of us hate it, I enjoy professional developments (except the boring ones). I do indeed love learning at leisure. Since I have a bachelors and masters seems like a doctorate would be next... only I don't want a doctorate in education... I have been studying on my own the Science of Well-Being and I have an interest in Positive Psychology.  I actually decided to get a specialization in this science. Basically, it will certify that I learned about Positive Psychology, but I really think that it would be good to have a formal education in the science and use it in some way that could help people. I don't know how I expect to do this, but I hope that one day I am a person who people listen to about maintaining a positive outlook on life. Sometimes I get down on myself because I am not ALWAYS happy, I get sad, upset and depressed like anyone else, but I would love to share that realness/vulnerability with others. I might not even have to get a degree in Positive Psychology, to be a "guru" but it seems like that would make it legit. LOL!  

I could see myself traveling for both leisure and work, because I would be a motivational speaker. (Hopefully I would learn the skills to stop self sabotaging.)

If money isn't an issue I feel like I would be better equipped to help my sorority when we work on service projects. 

Also I would move to California... I would invite my mom and brother to move with me, of course they would get their own spot on my property and I would have a Maltese and a Yorkie.  ( I would name them Min and Jun for reasons) I would still have opportunities to lounge on a beach or just in my backyard and still get to drink banana margrita's.  

What wouldn't we do if Money wasn't an issue? I can put together a full list of things... to help others and myself.  Like have children, get a new smile (like veneers), take my boo to Hawaii (yes I would take them cause money ain't a thang), give to an organization of my choosing, adopt a child, and of course cosplay, etc etc etc.   
It's safe to say I would not have the same day job. 

APPRECIATION POST!!!!

I was thinking... and realized its been a little while since I did an appreciation post... and then I was thinking who can I show love to this time....🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

This girl is Deborah!!! She is chill, she is lowkey, she is POSITIVE VIBES!!! I don’t think I have ever heard her like complain and if she does its with good reason. She is a silver lining GOD totally has my back kind of WOMAN!!! (Which is the best kind btw.) I have to highlight her for her positive vibes and because she has ALWAYS been one of my supporters. We go WAY back! Like High School way back. Even back then she was always very sweet. Moving on to College I was away at Howard, she was away at Temple and she would follow my blog on MySpace. (We aren’t old tho LOL). Recently, I think I said something on Instagram about my blog and she was like: “I gotta catch up.” Meaning she STILL follows my posts. THIS is so meaningful to me. BUT FORGET ABOUT ME let me tell you more about DEBORAH!

She is an author, self published I believe.... I was so proud that she did it. She actually accomplished something that I will be honest I am just scared too do. She and I always wanted to be authors, we even ended up at a writing conference right in Dover. I know one day I will get a book on the shelves or on your tablet, but right now I am just proud that she did it. Seeing her write a book and actually get it published encourages me and let’s me know I can too and I have her to go to an get some tips on getting it done. 

  Check it out on Amazon: Fractured Princess. 

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

She is also a BLERD!!! 

Certified BLERD, she was a BLERD before I was even keeping it real about my BLERDINESS. I have never seen her try to be the so-called NORM, she always stayed true to herself. I always wanted to be cool (I am cool, now that I owned up to who I am 😎) Deborah always did her thing.  She has always liked sci-fi and expressed it. She started watching Chinese Drama and even though my love is towards Korean Drama when I saw her ONE post about Chinese Drama I immediately “attacked” her with Chinese Drama posts. 😂

Lastly Deborah is a FIGHTER! You don’t know who you are influencing. I haven’t always thanked Deborah for always having my back even though we don’t even hang out. It never mattered. We always keep in contact through social media, I follow her, she follows me. She always posts herself as herself. Like she is happy in the skin that she is in. Another “Dover Girl”  doing the best that she can in her situation working toward being the woman she wants to be. There has only been positive energy from her. That is her influence (for me anyway). So when she posted that she was in a battle with Hodgkin Lymphoma I literally cried out loud. (My fam was like WHAT THE DEUCE?) I was just so upset that yet another person my age (and myself included) was going through something health wise. (I will tell you about mine in that book I have promised you all). I was asking God why? “Why is the most beautiful hearted person having to go through this?” But then I started reading her captions and she just continued to expressed all the positive vibes of life. She expressed the stats of being cured and OF COURSE she talked about how God would see her through. Then she carried on. “On periodt” as the kids say today. That’s the faith she lives in. So THANKS Deborah for always keeping it positive. I KNOW it hasn’t always been easy, but thanks for always being grateful and showing your gratitude to God, enduring pain, but expressing love!!! 

(ALL PICS BELONG TO DEBORAH) 

One of Those Days...

You ever have one of those days... when you wish you could either start over from the night before or just stay in bed? I am feeling that at a level 1000. I really want to change my mindset and probably by the time my students are here and we start the day, that feeling might go away. Which will be in like 2 minutes, but it sucks to come in that way because that means I really didn’t want to. At any rate I should maybe talk about how to get out of such a funk. Hmmm. I don’t know actually cause I am wearing pink because on “Wednesday we wear pink” and its my favorite color. I tried to shake it off. I also tried not to go off about mini things and just do what I gotta do you know. But let’s be honest I don’t want to be at work today I would rather be in bed with my dogs sleeping or reading a fanfic, but that doesn’t work very well for a teacher on a Wednesday when she isn’t even sick. As my favorite singer in the WHOLE wide WORLD says: “You what it is, what it is, when we do what we do.”  Nope I don’t know what he is talking about either, but that tickled me, cause I had to say it out loud too. Ok ok I can do it. I do this day. I kind of know what is coming for me... 6 kids, several behaviors, 1 adult, well may be 6 adults. I can maintain. I will maintain. I really have no other choice.
So lets move in the affirmation below...

Focused on God’s Plan

In My Feelings... I don’t want to Feel No Ways...I have Trust Issues and this is just NOT God’s Plan. Eh, I have Draked way too much, but I have a reason for this... so lately I have noticed that I need to make a change. I feel like I am stagnate and I have felt that way for a little bit now.  I decided to write down some goals. To go along with those goals I decided I need to brainstorm and research so that I could write a prayer for each goal. I also found scripture to go with the prayer that focuses on the goal(s). How does this go with being in my feelings? Well at some point in my life a husband and a family would be cool, but it’s not necessarily the focus. Let’s just say I need to take that goal through the same process of  writing a prayer and finding the scripture, but in the meantime, my mentality is not there. When I think about what I am attracted to and what I like in a man and etc etc... I feel like most of those thoughts are shallow or I am just saying what my mom would want me to want in a man. Reality is I am very very very shielded when it comes to dating and its only getting worst as I get older and different insecurities come out that I have to learn to accept and deal with before I can allow someone to get to me. AND I am mad independent. I also can’t deal with bulls***. In other words dudes don’t know how to keep it real like just say what you mean and mean what you say... like if you like me bet if you don’t bet... like I am old people now like I am over childish garbage. For the most part I feel better with out the extra emotional feelings about having a boyfriend. I feel better without having to think about how I might have to uproot my life in order to make something work. I feel better knowing I only need to feed myself. BRUH I sound selfish af. LOL. But you know why??? Because I have changed my whole thought process for guys who were kind of stringing me along. It’s not their fault as Drake would say: When I good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world its just the end of a world that you have with... one boy.” I like single. I like making choices for myself. What’s the problem?

The temptation. Duh, I am human and I know what feels good. AND I am not even talking about sex.  I mean like rough days when you really wish your dude will just hold you. Nights when you want to cry on dudes shoulder and he won’t ask what’s wrong he just understands you need to get that out real quick. Kisses. Times when you really just need a hug or when you need someone who (so-called) for real likes you and will tell you that you are cute. Someone to twerk to even when you look like a praying mantis. Someone who will eat a whole cake with you. I actually have plenty of girls to do this with but um I like the opposite sex. And my last ex had some annoying habits, not gonna lie I miss those sort of things in moderation. What I am saying is the physical is missed... what appeals to the flesh is what is missed.  I am not here to say: That is wrong and that is condemnation to hell. NOPE... although pre-marital sex is fornication and even having the slightest sexual deviant thought is fornication I am not here to preach on that... you go ahead and pray on that for yourself if you feel convicted... I just recognize such a temptation might make your brain travel away from your focus. I am asking God to help me stay focused and now all of a sudden I miss as hug from a dude from 2-3 years ago... get out of here with that, you know who is trying to keep me from glory.... 

If I am saying literally saying: I DON’T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.  Then that is just not the way for me right now.  I am trying to be a girl boss. 

Although at one point Rihanna was dating some dude while building her Fenty Brand she also stayed focused and found herself single too. Someone might be saying we all grown you can get your swerve on and build your brand. I really can’t. I am trying to recognize that I have a purpose and I have a really big idea/goal. I need to hear from GOD about it and no one else so I DON’T need extra cause that will cause confusion. I am the type who would drop everything for someone else. I also recognize that everything will happen as it is supposed to in its proper time. It took a lot for me to admit that I would like a husband and family one day, because I was starting to be ok without that. It is ok to be alone...YES IT IS... Is is ok to want a family one day... YES IT IS. All in due time. All in God’s time... All in God’s Plan.... was 

Scriptures about staying focused: 

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV 

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Proverbs 16:3 ESV 

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

Philippians 4:13 ESV 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  

Everything is one step at a time. 

In the meantime a girl can daydream 😂 SEE: 

Take Em To Church...

So today its Sunday. My mom asked me if I was going to church and I was like no. I decided I had a some other ideas for my day.
She was like: Doesn’t that make 3 weeks. (Of missing church) Did you quit?
Me:

Here is the deal, I don’t keep count of that. That is something that she is convicted of. When she misses a Sunday she will say:  Ain’t been in 2 Sundays, Ain’t been in 3 Sundays. I admire her though because the times that she doesn’t physically go she actually livestreams it.

Today I had to say something, because it’s one thing for you to say to yourself I haven’t been in 3 sundays because that is your conviction its another thing to throw that at me as if I am bad because I haven’t been and then to say: “Did you quit?” 🤦‍♀️ Eh mom come on. 🤦‍♀️  And what was really a blower when I thought about it was; can you really fault me for missing it last Sunday when I was out of town. Please understand that I am not upset or angry at my mom, although she may have thought I was, I get it cause as I have stated that is her conviction. We often for lack of a better word, “judge” others from our own guilts/ convictions.
I am NOT RIGHT for NOT going. I am NOT WRONG for NOT going. I made a choice for myself.  So far I think I used my time wisely. I did some skin care (I had gotten lax since I came home from my trip). I decided to make a cup of tea (I found one last pack of my Rose Hibiscus Skin Detox Yogi tea). I took my dogs for a nice long walk, took a few selfies and listened to music. Very self caring. Something I needed. I also REFLECTED. I thought over the situation. I thought about the fact that although I don’t worry so much about time I miss from being in church, I did consider the blessings missed from NOT going to church. Not going to lie my prayer life is lax. I carry my prayer in my heart and hope that God knows my heart.  NOT EVEN GOING TO LIE a few setbacks in life has made it difficult for me to gather the best words for a prayer. We learn “ask and you shall receive”, but what we also are taught “God’s WILL be done.” I have figured out that I OBVIOUSLY have no idea what I really NEED and that what I WANT must not be for me or must be rather outrageous. So me not going to church is me missing good prayer, and the opportunity to hear others pray and to use/accept their words over me. I also miss the opportunity to be amongst a huge group of people who are all praying which is most powerful.

Essentially, I miss the blessings that I would have likely received in church than just being out here in life all Willy- nilly. BUT understand that THAT is what I received as insight to the matter. True, God spoke to me outside of church because remember YOU are the church not the structure, BUT it is still important to make it to the structure every once in a while for fellowship and joining with others in prayer, and also to hear the word. How many times have I been in church and been struck with an idea or felt motivated to do certain things? That is what I (ME) need to consider when I deciding if I am going or not going to church.
Reasons to go to church 

Bad Investments and Wrong People

I had several “you’re kidding me” moments involving ”friends”. I was discussing this with my friend Jazmin (please see my post about Jaz) and she said: “You are just investing time into the wrong people. They aren’t necessarily the people who are going to be able to make you feel your best.”

That statement really helped me out.

I took it as: “STOP INVESTING YOUR TIME INTO THE WRONG PEOPLE.”

AND I KNOW THIS!!!!!

It is important to have a good support system in place because everyone doesn’t always have the best intentions for you in your endeavors.

I learned many years ago that everyone isn’t a friend and even those who are nice to you, can’t always be trusted.

I often shield myself from such toxicity and insincerity.

I realize I need to do two things:
 -Develop thicker skin

 -Recognize when I should retreat

And by retreat I don’t mean run away from a battle, I mean knowing how to pick and choose a battle, as in when do I need to just do me and when do I need to explain myself. As I am an adult I really don’t need to explain myself and if I am ok with whatever actions I take or way that I feel or decision I make I don’t have to explain because I am happy with myself.

I am very happy with who I am and what I do and the only time I question that is when others question me about it, because there is a difference of opinion.

Let me add that aside from thicker skin I need to recognize what advice or opinion I should consider and what is just fluff that I shouldn’t receive. AGAIN... People don’t always have the best intentions when giving you advice.

I am 36 years old today. My path is my path, has it been the traditional path... not exactly ... am I still GREAT... YUP! Do I have a few hardships deal with and wild ideas about how to accomplish goals...YUP!!!

DON’T GET ME WRONG... I am hoping to meet and get to know other people in the future. I know that more positive energy and good hearts are on the way into my life because that is what I ask God for and also I ask to continue to have the discernment to recognize negative energy.

Am I excited about the rest of my life... YES!! I am excited. I do big things and I don’t give myself enough credit. So let’s review....

Things to do:
-Develop thicker skin
-Pick and Choose my battles wisely
-Pick and Choose the best advice/opinion (people don’t alway have the best intentions)
-Stay on my path
-Start appreciating myself for all the great things I do
AND
-Show love to the people who I KNOW got my back
AND!!!!!
-Praise God for all the talent and strength that he gave me to make it through this LIFE.

           

                         

The Beach... Forever?

Why are we obsessed with “paradise”? Or maybe it’s just me. At an age that I really didn’t need to I saw the movie Return to the Blue Lagoon. Not the famous Brooke Shields Blue Lagoon, but the sequel. Both movies are about children who end up on a deserted island and grow up unaware and uneducated about many things. Ignorance is bliss as they must and do survive living in paradise (without indoor plumbing). They also fall in love, have sex and make a baby on this island with no one but themselves. For whatever reason these sort of situations intrigue me. Probably because I can’t imagine 1.) going off the grid and 2.) no indoor plumbing. QUITE HONESTLY I think of female issues immediately because GOD knows it is every woman’s fear to be in a situation without out bathrooms and the necessary products to be clean.

YET... we or at least me... I have a fascination with being in “paradise.”  Is it the mundane of our daily lives that makes us want to give it all up and live on a beach forever, where the weather is always usually beautiful and warm? Or maybe it is because it happens to be winter and I am going through my “seasonal” depression.... IDK BUT after watching Leonardo DiCaprio’s The Beach at the age of 36 (opposed to 26 and 16) I don’t even know how someone would want to stay on a beach forever. Obviously #beachlife comes with its own set of issues.

I would get tired of sand and grit. I would miss soft textures like fleece, fur and pillows. Sand and Salt water makes for a great exfoliant, but like every day? IDK.  Also I can’t with make shift shelters like on Gillian’s Island. I mean look at them they were doing alright on the island and they wanted to get back home badly. I know that as far as people are concerned I don’t think I would really need them. LOL! If basic needs are met, such as food and shelter. (Few cans of bug spray) then I will be ok alone or with very minimum people. Seriously though the killer... the super killer... no WIFI. In this day and age is it possible to be in a place so remote there is no WIFI. I am sure places like that exist but my friends what good is a beach without sharing it on instagram. I am sure most of us don’t want to be all “cast away” complete with “Wilson.” When most people think of paradise they are are living their best lives in luxury.  We want to forget the stress of life and “paradise” helps until we go back.  I guess that is why movies like The Beach are interesting because these people really didn’t want to go back. If its an environment you grow up in then there is nothing else that you even know, but if you know the woes of the world then maybe you don’t want to leave. Me... I usually miss my bed and my stuff. I even miss my routine, like work and teaching. BUT there is always something in me that hopes to one day... go to some far off beautiful place maybe even with a dude I like or love or acquired in the hopes of going to a far of place. It still intrigues me... What far off place of paradise would you like to visit?