Take Em To Church...

So today its Sunday. My mom asked me if I was going to church and I was like no. I decided I had a some other ideas for my day.
She was like: Doesn’t that make 3 weeks. (Of missing church) Did you quit?
Me:

Here is the deal, I don’t keep count of that. That is something that she is convicted of. When she misses a Sunday she will say:  Ain’t been in 2 Sundays, Ain’t been in 3 Sundays. I admire her though because the times that she doesn’t physically go she actually livestreams it.

Today I had to say something, because it’s one thing for you to say to yourself I haven’t been in 3 sundays because that is your conviction its another thing to throw that at me as if I am bad because I haven’t been and then to say: “Did you quit?” 🤦‍♀️ Eh mom come on. 🤦‍♀️  And what was really a blower when I thought about it was; can you really fault me for missing it last Sunday when I was out of town. Please understand that I am not upset or angry at my mom, although she may have thought I was, I get it cause as I have stated that is her conviction. We often for lack of a better word, “judge” others from our own guilts/ convictions.
I am NOT RIGHT for NOT going. I am NOT WRONG for NOT going. I made a choice for myself.  So far I think I used my time wisely. I did some skin care (I had gotten lax since I came home from my trip). I decided to make a cup of tea (I found one last pack of my Rose Hibiscus Skin Detox Yogi tea). I took my dogs for a nice long walk, took a few selfies and listened to music. Very self caring. Something I needed. I also REFLECTED. I thought over the situation. I thought about the fact that although I don’t worry so much about time I miss from being in church, I did consider the blessings missed from NOT going to church. Not going to lie my prayer life is lax. I carry my prayer in my heart and hope that God knows my heart.  NOT EVEN GOING TO LIE a few setbacks in life has made it difficult for me to gather the best words for a prayer. We learn “ask and you shall receive”, but what we also are taught “God’s WILL be done.” I have figured out that I OBVIOUSLY have no idea what I really NEED and that what I WANT must not be for me or must be rather outrageous. So me not going to church is me missing good prayer, and the opportunity to hear others pray and to use/accept their words over me. I also miss the opportunity to be amongst a huge group of people who are all praying which is most powerful.

Essentially, I miss the blessings that I would have likely received in church than just being out here in life all Willy- nilly. BUT understand that THAT is what I received as insight to the matter. True, God spoke to me outside of church because remember YOU are the church not the structure, BUT it is still important to make it to the structure every once in a while for fellowship and joining with others in prayer, and also to hear the word. How many times have I been in church and been struck with an idea or felt motivated to do certain things? That is what I (ME) need to consider when I deciding if I am going or not going to church.
Reasons to go to church 

Just Breathe...When Jesus made Starbucks that much better!!!!

I don't fully remember everything about this story about Alexander and his bad day, but I know he went through a series of events in which he felt ruined his day. Friday seemed like that to me. 

To summarize it had been an upsetting Thursday evening as two adults a daughter and mother argued momentarily. The Daughter at time just feels that there is a lack of respect especially since she is 31. The daughter basically feels the mother wanted her to jump when the mother said jump, but the daughter feels that if she is asking for a moment before jumping that should have been respected. When trying to express that feeling the mother either missed the concept of respect or doesn't feel the daughter is owed that respect so not wanting to go into it any further the daughter forfeit, the mother having the last word, nothing being resolved for the daughter, so the daughter was distraught in her feeling of  being treated like 13 year old instead of a 31 year old. 

So Friday is a new day and of course everything is as if nothing occurred the previous evening, the daughter is expected to smile and go about her day still pretty hurt about the night before. There are bigger concerns anyway or at least other concerns that are creating some disheartening scenarios for her career. Its a matter of calm and collected matched with anxiety and adhd. Making sure there is a team effort but recognizing the one terrible trait of teachers who have their ideas and although express a face of i am considering your idea really just have their own idea in mind. Two teachers unifying, two sort of different styles, we do have to collaborate, so the daughter/teacher is hoping that when the dust of getting class rooms set up and meetings settles their will be a better amount of what collaboration feels like to her. 

So with those things on her mind she is ready for Friday and the big event(s) a training and a meet and great cook out for students.  She leaves the house pretty early knowing that there are higher expectations or at least hoping there are higher expectations of her this year. When she starts the car she realizes she forgot to grab her Starbucks frappe she had bought knowing she would need them this week. She said it's early enough I will run over to 7/11. Bag in hand she goes over to her car and the gentleman next to her says: Have a great day! She says: "You too." At the car trying to put the car clicker to unlock the doors it happens so quickly with the bag slipping  from her fingers like it was never in her hands and in an instant the glass bottle of the Starbuck Frappe shatters. In that instant that daughter/teacher wanted to shatter into tears upon the same ground next to the glass and the now spilling drink. The gentleman who hadn't left immediately enquired about what happened and offered to buy another but she said, that's ok, I probably wasn't suppose to have it. That is the statement we like to go to when something doesn't quite go our way. Its a way of getting over the anger. Because in  her head she wanted to snap and curse and cry, but knowing that doesn't solve anything she just got in the car and took a deep breath (after wiping her pant leg) and went on to the next part of her day. 

On the short drive to the school she assessed the situation because she as a daughter/teacher she is always reflecting looking the way things were handled. She wondered if her "have a great day" "you too" response wasn't truly heartfelt and honest. Was it really a matter of she didn't need the coffee drink? Does God allow for such situations because he feels you don't need the coffee or was it to stun you to slow you down because your eyes aren't truly open to that morning. Why would God allow for your money to shatter? I mean that's what was really being thrown away. Or was it one of those moments when he allows something bad to happen so that you see him again? Or is just an accident? 

She never really got an answer. She just breathed let it go and drove away.  She went on to do what she needed to do prior to going the training and even though it was a terrible training (well boring and stressful as there are some new things put in place to make things tedious for spec ed teachers) she was with a few colleagues who she respected, a new person who seemed to get it and appearance of camaraderie with the other spec ed teachers of the building.  

Basically the day got better. A certain amount of  the hurt from the previous night washed away, and the stress of teaching was washed away with a successful Meet and Greet BBQ. Principles were jolly and the new superintendent was even around speaking with teachers, parents, students, and custodians.  

So maybe there wasn't a lesson in the shattered coffee. Or maybe there is, but it won't be understood until later. Or maybe the lesson is "everything is going to be alright." And that is usually true. We stress out regularly. We worry about so many things throughout the day, but really if we just let it go and recognize that God has our path set and does all he does it for a reason, we could cool out a bit.  

And there it is...the answer... worry had overtaken the mind. There is no need for worry. Looking back at the past 3 days, worry was apart of all of them. Even though everything seemed calm. And if anyone remembers in Matthew Jesus uses parables to teacher certain aspects about God. Don't worry because God has your back is one of the biggest teaching. Momentarily that lesson was lost.  It took a shattered coffee drink to help wake up out of the fog of worry. 

With tomorrow here maybe I will be able to grab a coffee and drink it with the peace of the Lord over me.    

New Year, Let Him Help You!!!

Well it is a NEW YEAR and you know what that means!!! New Goals!!! Before you get it twisted I am SOOOO not saying, "New Year, New Me." Not at all because there can't be a new me, I am me no matter what BUT I can try and be a better me. Plus I think it is super important to have some goals for a new year. 

First things first!!!! Being a better person. Seriously I think in 2013 I was sort of snarly. I think there was an icebox where my heart use to be and I am not even sure why I was like that. I may need to humble myself even though I don't believe I had become arrogant or anything but humility may help me in my future. Also taming the tongue and watching my tone. I feel like I tend to say things in a very nasty tone especially in my household and that doesn't help anyone. I feel like to my students I have all the patience in the world and at home if a pin drops I am irate. I need to just think positive and walk away from the petty. 

Secondly, humbling yourself and walking positively keeping your mouth from getting nasty all needs the help of Jesus. When I first began this blog I felt like I was in a fight with myself to become a teacher. I had reasonable goals that I set and met. I did all of that God, but this past year I am feeling like I walked less with God and more on my own, which on my own I can only get to destruction and that is pretty much where I was headed. The last five months of 2013 were NOT cool. I am really going to have to slow my roll and make sometime with Jesus. That way when I feel attacks from an adversary the blows won't be as hard as they were during 2013. 

Third...Speaking of God, I really, really, really, really really REALLY NEVER wanted to go here BUT... I really need to possibly become a wife. One thing that I really have never done is prayed for a husband, I think its dumb. I've always had the patience and when I met guys who were cool but clearly not the one I also knew to fall back, knowing that the guy wasn't for me. But I am about to be 30. I think one of the biggest reasons I was ok with not being married is because I didn't want to be that girl someone has to save because she hasn't gotten herself together. Then I realize I was being just like those guys who are like, "I like you, but I really need to get myself right." Know full well you can't get right. Now I am not saying I would like to get married in 2014, I am not even saying I want to be engaged in 2014, it would be nice to just meet that person. Maybe we've already met. Who knows? I have always let God handle this aspect with asking him of anything but this time I am asking. 

At the end of the Day God really runs everything so with that being said for the fourth thing I would really like to hear from Him about my career. I know what I want, but what does God want for me? Where should I be or where is God sending me? What should I do? Like I said I know what I want, but its really not about me. 

On the personal side, I would really like to write a publish worthy novel, I need to have more confidence in myself and my writing. I need to allow my imagination to run wild. 

SO really in 2014 I need do less talking and more listening to God. He made a promise to me and I will never forget that he said not to worry because everything would be alright and that I would be happy and I am counting on it. 

2014 I am so ready! 

He Could Be Me/ I Could Be Him

So I go onto facebook to announce that my Netflix account is back up and running after fraudulent activity but my joy was soon taken as an article about Lee Thompson Young  was posted on my newsfeed from TMZ. He was found dead from what appears to be an self inflicted gun shot. He was 29. 

For those of you who don't know Lee Thompson Young played Jett Jackson on the Disney Show:  "The Famous Jett Jackson." Now I wasn't a disney kid, I grew up on Nickelodeon, but I remember every now and then catching this show on Disney and thinking wow he is a black dude with those gorgeous eyes with his own show on Disney....WOW! He went on to do other things and quite honestly I went on to be a fangirl to others. 

The reason this story about his apparent suicide affects me is because it reminded me that no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter how successful you are or how unsuccessful you are, demons follow. It is up to you whether you want to live and fight them or give up. 

For about two weeks I have been weaving in and out of depression like symptoms. I don't like that word so instead of saying depression I will say I was having some good days and some bad days. Sleep deprivation played a role, and recognizing that I am at another new beginning. New beginnings are good, but because its new its also unknown at times.  I have two new beginnings, one I am currently looking for a position as a teacher; two I am dating someone. (Good times right? a time to be proud right? a time to be happy right?) Not sure where either will lead me, but I also don't like the unknown and fear arises. I have a lot of "I'm not good enough" thoughts. Not good enough to be anything that I desire to be.... That is my demon. And as I said, no matter what, demons follow. When you have gotten comfortable and have forgotten, oh cause you forget at times, that demon will be right on top of you choking you trying to take you out. The question is: will you let him win or will you fight? 

 I am not saying that this is what was going on with Lee Thompson Young. I don't really know his story, AND it has YET to be confirmed that this was indeed suicide, but he was 29. And that struck me because we are the same age. He was 5 days older than me. He would have been 30 on February 1st. Some of us have big problems with 30, I do. I feel like there are a lot of things I am not that I wanted to be by 30. I often feel like everyone's life is moving and mine is stuck. When I saw: "He was 29" all I kept thinking was he could be me or I could be him.

I am really sad about this brother's death, but my saying is that everything happens for a reason.  When I read it I was immediately sadden, but at the same time I heard a word in it. I don't want to lose. So I have to fight. I only know one way to fight....pleading the Blood of Jesus and praying. I gotta get into the scriptures and remember the word of God, cause that's how you fight in this situation. I have all the faith in the world, but need more in myself, self doubt is just fear....

I can only hope that his man is at peace. I hope that he has found solace in the place that he is now resting. I really hope that any others that have found themselves in a situation where they feel that all hope is lost are able to find help before falling into a place in which they can't return. 
 (again I am not saying that this was the situation that Lee Thompson Young was in)

The light at the end of this tunnel is that, often at funerals a preacher gives a word and offers to whomever is there who needs Jesus to come up and become born again. I feel like to a certain degree the break of this story was sort of like a personal alter call. 

RIP Lee Thompson Young