APPRECIATION POST!!!!

I was thinking... and realized its been a little while since I did an appreciation post... and then I was thinking who can I show love to this time....🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

This girl is Deborah!!! She is chill, she is lowkey, she is POSITIVE VIBES!!! I don’t think I have ever heard her like complain and if she does its with good reason. She is a silver lining GOD totally has my back kind of WOMAN!!! (Which is the best kind btw.) I have to highlight her for her positive vibes and because she has ALWAYS been one of my supporters. We go WAY back! Like High School way back. Even back then she was always very sweet. Moving on to College I was away at Howard, she was away at Temple and she would follow my blog on MySpace. (We aren’t old tho LOL). Recently, I think I said something on Instagram about my blog and she was like: “I gotta catch up.” Meaning she STILL follows my posts. THIS is so meaningful to me. BUT FORGET ABOUT ME let me tell you more about DEBORAH!

She is an author, self published I believe.... I was so proud that she did it. She actually accomplished something that I will be honest I am just scared too do. She and I always wanted to be authors, we even ended up at a writing conference right in Dover. I know one day I will get a book on the shelves or on your tablet, but right now I am just proud that she did it. Seeing her write a book and actually get it published encourages me and let’s me know I can too and I have her to go to an get some tips on getting it done. 

  Check it out on Amazon: Fractured Princess. 

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

She is also a BLERD!!! 

Certified BLERD, she was a BLERD before I was even keeping it real about my BLERDINESS. I have never seen her try to be the so-called NORM, she always stayed true to herself. I always wanted to be cool (I am cool, now that I owned up to who I am 😎) Deborah always did her thing.  She has always liked sci-fi and expressed it. She started watching Chinese Drama and even though my love is towards Korean Drama when I saw her ONE post about Chinese Drama I immediately “attacked” her with Chinese Drama posts. 😂

Lastly Deborah is a FIGHTER! You don’t know who you are influencing. I haven’t always thanked Deborah for always having my back even though we don’t even hang out. It never mattered. We always keep in contact through social media, I follow her, she follows me. She always posts herself as herself. Like she is happy in the skin that she is in. Another “Dover Girl”  doing the best that she can in her situation working toward being the woman she wants to be. There has only been positive energy from her. That is her influence (for me anyway). So when she posted that she was in a battle with Hodgkin Lymphoma I literally cried out loud. (My fam was like WHAT THE DEUCE?) I was just so upset that yet another person my age (and myself included) was going through something health wise. (I will tell you about mine in that book I have promised you all). I was asking God why? “Why is the most beautiful hearted person having to go through this?” But then I started reading her captions and she just continued to expressed all the positive vibes of life. She expressed the stats of being cured and OF COURSE she talked about how God would see her through. Then she carried on. “On periodt” as the kids say today. That’s the faith she lives in. So THANKS Deborah for always keeping it positive. I KNOW it hasn’t always been easy, but thanks for always being grateful and showing your gratitude to God, enduring pain, but expressing love!!! 

(ALL PICS BELONG TO DEBORAH) 

One of Those Days...

You ever have one of those days... when you wish you could either start over from the night before or just stay in bed? I am feeling that at a level 1000. I really want to change my mindset and probably by the time my students are here and we start the day, that feeling might go away. Which will be in like 2 minutes, but it sucks to come in that way because that means I really didn’t want to. At any rate I should maybe talk about how to get out of such a funk. Hmmm. I don’t know actually cause I am wearing pink because on “Wednesday we wear pink” and its my favorite color. I tried to shake it off. I also tried not to go off about mini things and just do what I gotta do you know. But let’s be honest I don’t want to be at work today I would rather be in bed with my dogs sleeping or reading a fanfic, but that doesn’t work very well for a teacher on a Wednesday when she isn’t even sick. As my favorite singer in the WHOLE wide WORLD says: “You what it is, what it is, when we do what we do.”  Nope I don’t know what he is talking about either, but that tickled me, cause I had to say it out loud too. Ok ok I can do it. I do this day. I kind of know what is coming for me... 6 kids, several behaviors, 1 adult, well may be 6 adults. I can maintain. I will maintain. I really have no other choice.
So lets move in the affirmation below...

Focused on God’s Plan

In My Feelings... I don’t want to Feel No Ways...I have Trust Issues and this is just NOT God’s Plan. Eh, I have Draked way too much, but I have a reason for this... so lately I have noticed that I need to make a change. I feel like I am stagnate and I have felt that way for a little bit now.  I decided to write down some goals. To go along with those goals I decided I need to brainstorm and research so that I could write a prayer for each goal. I also found scripture to go with the prayer that focuses on the goal(s). How does this go with being in my feelings? Well at some point in my life a husband and a family would be cool, but it’s not necessarily the focus. Let’s just say I need to take that goal through the same process of  writing a prayer and finding the scripture, but in the meantime, my mentality is not there. When I think about what I am attracted to and what I like in a man and etc etc... I feel like most of those thoughts are shallow or I am just saying what my mom would want me to want in a man. Reality is I am very very very shielded when it comes to dating and its only getting worst as I get older and different insecurities come out that I have to learn to accept and deal with before I can allow someone to get to me. AND I am mad independent. I also can’t deal with bulls***. In other words dudes don’t know how to keep it real like just say what you mean and mean what you say... like if you like me bet if you don’t bet... like I am old people now like I am over childish garbage. For the most part I feel better with out the extra emotional feelings about having a boyfriend. I feel better without having to think about how I might have to uproot my life in order to make something work. I feel better knowing I only need to feed myself. BRUH I sound selfish af. LOL. But you know why??? Because I have changed my whole thought process for guys who were kind of stringing me along. It’s not their fault as Drake would say: When I good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world its just the end of a world that you have with... one boy.” I like single. I like making choices for myself. What’s the problem?

The temptation. Duh, I am human and I know what feels good. AND I am not even talking about sex.  I mean like rough days when you really wish your dude will just hold you. Nights when you want to cry on dudes shoulder and he won’t ask what’s wrong he just understands you need to get that out real quick. Kisses. Times when you really just need a hug or when you need someone who (so-called) for real likes you and will tell you that you are cute. Someone to twerk to even when you look like a praying mantis. Someone who will eat a whole cake with you. I actually have plenty of girls to do this with but um I like the opposite sex. And my last ex had some annoying habits, not gonna lie I miss those sort of things in moderation. What I am saying is the physical is missed... what appeals to the flesh is what is missed.  I am not here to say: That is wrong and that is condemnation to hell. NOPE... although pre-marital sex is fornication and even having the slightest sexual deviant thought is fornication I am not here to preach on that... you go ahead and pray on that for yourself if you feel convicted... I just recognize such a temptation might make your brain travel away from your focus. I am asking God to help me stay focused and now all of a sudden I miss as hug from a dude from 2-3 years ago... get out of here with that, you know who is trying to keep me from glory.... 

If I am saying literally saying: I DON’T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.  Then that is just not the way for me right now.  I am trying to be a girl boss. 

Although at one point Rihanna was dating some dude while building her Fenty Brand she also stayed focused and found herself single too. Someone might be saying we all grown you can get your swerve on and build your brand. I really can’t. I am trying to recognize that I have a purpose and I have a really big idea/goal. I need to hear from GOD about it and no one else so I DON’T need extra cause that will cause confusion. I am the type who would drop everything for someone else. I also recognize that everything will happen as it is supposed to in its proper time. It took a lot for me to admit that I would like a husband and family one day, because I was starting to be ok without that. It is ok to be alone...YES IT IS... Is is ok to want a family one day... YES IT IS. All in due time. All in God’s time... All in God’s Plan.... was 

Scriptures about staying focused: 

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV 

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Proverbs 16:3 ESV 

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

Philippians 4:13 ESV 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  

Everything is one step at a time. 

In the meantime a girl can daydream 😂 SEE: 

Take Em To Church...

So today its Sunday. My mom asked me if I was going to church and I was like no. I decided I had a some other ideas for my day.
She was like: Doesn’t that make 3 weeks. (Of missing church) Did you quit?
Me:

Here is the deal, I don’t keep count of that. That is something that she is convicted of. When she misses a Sunday she will say:  Ain’t been in 2 Sundays, Ain’t been in 3 Sundays. I admire her though because the times that she doesn’t physically go she actually livestreams it.

Today I had to say something, because it’s one thing for you to say to yourself I haven’t been in 3 sundays because that is your conviction its another thing to throw that at me as if I am bad because I haven’t been and then to say: “Did you quit?” 🤦‍♀️ Eh mom come on. 🤦‍♀️  And what was really a blower when I thought about it was; can you really fault me for missing it last Sunday when I was out of town. Please understand that I am not upset or angry at my mom, although she may have thought I was, I get it cause as I have stated that is her conviction. We often for lack of a better word, “judge” others from our own guilts/ convictions.
I am NOT RIGHT for NOT going. I am NOT WRONG for NOT going. I made a choice for myself.  So far I think I used my time wisely. I did some skin care (I had gotten lax since I came home from my trip). I decided to make a cup of tea (I found one last pack of my Rose Hibiscus Skin Detox Yogi tea). I took my dogs for a nice long walk, took a few selfies and listened to music. Very self caring. Something I needed. I also REFLECTED. I thought over the situation. I thought about the fact that although I don’t worry so much about time I miss from being in church, I did consider the blessings missed from NOT going to church. Not going to lie my prayer life is lax. I carry my prayer in my heart and hope that God knows my heart.  NOT EVEN GOING TO LIE a few setbacks in life has made it difficult for me to gather the best words for a prayer. We learn “ask and you shall receive”, but what we also are taught “God’s WILL be done.” I have figured out that I OBVIOUSLY have no idea what I really NEED and that what I WANT must not be for me or must be rather outrageous. So me not going to church is me missing good prayer, and the opportunity to hear others pray and to use/accept their words over me. I also miss the opportunity to be amongst a huge group of people who are all praying which is most powerful.

Essentially, I miss the blessings that I would have likely received in church than just being out here in life all Willy- nilly. BUT understand that THAT is what I received as insight to the matter. True, God spoke to me outside of church because remember YOU are the church not the structure, BUT it is still important to make it to the structure every once in a while for fellowship and joining with others in prayer, and also to hear the word. How many times have I been in church and been struck with an idea or felt motivated to do certain things? That is what I (ME) need to consider when I deciding if I am going or not going to church.
Reasons to go to church 

30 Day Challenge: Day 13: Write A Letter To Someone Who Hurt You

Dear Fear-
You B*tch! I really need you to leave my life, right now. I don’t need you, especially since I know you are a lie from the devil. All you ever did was paralyze me from doing the things that I wanted to do, by scaring me into thinking I would be better off not taking a chance. Or by telling me I wasn’t good enough to be anything more...you were wrong. You know the last straw should have been the night before Morphicon 2018, when I started to have that fear of the unknown anxiety. But I was able to suck it up and make it! Then you tried again in when I was heading to Tennessee for Leadership with my sorority, luckily I was able to suck it up and put on my big girl pants AGAIN. Please leave me alone... can’t you see that I am not going to listen to you anymore. I am going to continue to follow my dreams and if I have to step out of my comfort zone I will because I have found that the more that I listen to my heart and do the things that I want the more I realize you are just holding me back. Every-time I step out on faith I grow because I accomplish whatever goal I set before myself. Now you want to put fear into my being with other worries, but guess what I will still defeat you as I have every-time in the past. A person can’t figure it out until they try. When you have a situation in front of you and you choose to try you come to a fork in your road and you are given more options, you choose again and there are more options. Yes it is scary, because we know that with good times comes bad times and there will be times when we choose an option and maybe things don’t work out in the first path, but guess what there is another path. You know I listen to Mariah Carey and you know she sang:
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain

She also sang:

Up out my face boy
Up out my face boy
Up out my face, I break

You ain't never gonna feel this thing again
You gon' get a lot of calls 'cause I CC-ed all your friends (I break)
I ain't walking around all mopey and sad
Take a look at my bags baby (I break, when I break I break)

So basically I’m out of this emotionally abusive relationship... I am enough, and you are a joke. Don’t even trying messing with my fam or friends... vanish my dude!!! 

Sincerely, 

Princess of DE 

PS: 

Stop the Madness... God's Answers

Lately I've been dealing with alot of feelings that can't/couldn't decipher, or like fix. Usually I am really good at hearing myself hear dumb stuff in my head and be like yeah right shut up satan. And maybe it's been the lack of self care... oddly enough I've been trying to keep up with self care and even at work we talked about self care every month and I thought I had it going on but by March I was jacked up caught in stress... not even fully work related. Crazy thing I always talk about kids not being able to process their feelings because their brains aren't fully developed. But just now I realize I haven't been able to process my feelings either. I feel everything all at once, I get mad at myself, I get self doubt, view myself as "not good enough," silly, and ugly. I swear I felt like I was in middle school again. And I don't even want to talk about the love life thing like... You start to feel like maybe you don't deserve love, or kids.... I try to look at my students as mine, but it's hard giving them away at the end of the year (sometimes 😂). I had this grand idea to prepare for single motherhood on my own terms and this is where I think God came to the rescue cause I I'm sorry as many mom's are out here doing the single motherhood thing like a boss I just don't really want to do that. Not that I can't cause I can, I know I can but I don't want to and I honestly don't think it's of God. It's funny ppl were ok with it when I said I might have to borrow someone's seed. They agreed like sometimes that what you gotta do... and the Danielle inside was like WHAT????
Now I hate like talking about my "issues" cause I feel like I sound like a whiny brat. Like  girl stop.... listen your kpop and get over it. But hell even my kpop was leading me to feelings I couldn't process....
Sometimes a message can be given and it's like you've kind of heard it before but this time it's received. Like the constant message given is God's grace, redemption and forgiveness. I think it was the fact that the speaker Dr. Gregory Cruell brought up Robin Williams and his suicide... it reminded me of how much satan really doesn't like me and really wishes I'd murk myself....(it's an evil devilish satanic demonic spirit that messes with us like that) I realized a few years ago I'm here for a reason... I looked over my life... when I was to be born my mom was sent home told she wasnt in labor... that only could have left me brain damaged or I could have been born with Cerebral palsy. Instead I ingested fecal matter (not funny) and since that's basically body poison I could have died.
Then honestly self hate is nothing knew to me... I'm not sure if I was a sensitive kid but I was the kid that took everything other ppl said about me to heart... I don't understand my complexion, I'm short but not petite, I have big feet that are odd looking, I grow a unibrow I have dark features on light skin, AND I have a pot belly, but im skinny...  I wish I looked like the girls in music videos, honestly I wish I was cool like the girls in high school. I also hate the brain wave in me that says: here's a thing now obsess about it.... (i have easily acquired over $2000 (if not more) in 2pm (please see kpop blog) and power ranger stuff.... should I say I don't hate it until someone looks at me with that "you're So pitiful" look and says: "you're obsessed"  wtf is wrong with me liking Kim Min Jun to the point that I wrote him a letter while he was in basic??? (Please see kpop blog) what's wrong with me loving Michael Jackson so much his death still hurts??? Do I go to work? Have I paid my bills? So when I buy myself another Kim Min Jun t-shirt who did it hurt? You? Do you know how many kpop fans /power ranger fans and or power rangers I could gather and have a party and call them my friends because we really are friends?? Ok ok... moving on... I've discussed this before there was that other time I almost died... abscess bursting inside of your gut really hurts btw, a doc telling you, you're gonna die takes a second to process. I'm still here tho... so the devil has been defeated so many times in trying to kill me. Today I was reminded that that is satan's plan.... now really the preachers message was about validation and affirmation.... in other words if someone in Robin Williams' camp had of gotten to him first and re-affirmed his awesomeness maybe he wouldn't have taken himself.... there were some other things I heard like remembering God's Plan.... I'm a planner, it's like school career marriage baby only my plans fell through lol. That's also been a major downer for me... my idea, my plan I had for myself... after a 2 year relationship I'm like ok whatever... but then I realized a year later I didn't know which way to go... that didn't work so do I go back to school??? Lol I was thinking I need to get back on the path.... but where's the path??? Yeah I need to find the path God has for me.... a friend recently said... "God doesn't make mistakes" (dont even know what were talking about but it stuck with me) which takes me back to another sermon where the preacher talked how we are always saying... "I'm not good enough or tall enough or skinny enough etc etc... bunch of stuff I don't like about myself, but "God doesn't makes mistakes" if I could keep these lessons in my head, but I've got to practice what is preached..... the great thing is I heard God loud and clear today... "stop all that over thinking and follow my word for answers, trust Me (God) for answers." (Cause I don't listen to others anyway I'm always trying to decipher life with my answers, but I've got all the answers to the old tests not the new ones 😂) AND it's obvious I'm here for a reason... I have a purpose, I have touched lives (I've been a big sister to so many) I will be a part of more....
Also I need to finish what the other preacher said... he said write a list of 20 things you like about yourself... I got to 8 things and some of the things on the list are things I don't always like 😂
1. I'm 5'1.5 (shortie)
2. Passionate for specific persons or things (That so called obsession)
3. In my mind I'm as much a star as Beyonce
4. Caring
5. I'm soft and squishy ( not toned)
6. Quirky
7. Geek
8. I need and wear glasses/contacts
9. Stylish/ style of my own
10. I can flirt/be polite in English, Spanish, and Korean
11. More outgoing than I like to admit
12. Children stare at me like I'm an alien, adults stare at me cause I'm exotic? (I haven't figured it out)
13. I'm a good teacher
14. I nurture (I'm sorry but I will be motherly/big sisterly to everyone)
15. I fall in love too easily (I will always love you, better yet I will always see the good in you, this is in all relationships)
16. I can sing (not always good, but only Kim Min Jun sings perfectly 😂 lies sometimes he is flat or pitchy)
17. I'm super imaginative (with structure tho)
18. I love sugar
19. I'm more rational than I'd like to be
20. I'm 34 years old... I feel 14 forever lol #youngforever
By the way... it's going to be super hard to stop making my own plans like I'm a very structured person so I hope God shows me this path clearly, because much like my students I'm not so good with change or transitions out of my control.....

I can...

God wants to use you.... 

As I was working towards becoming a teacher, I learned that we had to have something called an "I Can" statement. It basically states the objective of the lesson/what the students should be able to do by the end of the lesson or unit. Of course, I didn't see the big deal in this...just more work for the teacher or so it seemed. 

Then I was thinking, really I was studying the bible, well I decided to take advantage of one of my bible app's tools of devotional bible reading plans, to help give me insight about God, Me and Faith. One of my devotional plans is about "Identity."  Sometimes I feel lost in myself, I have so many likes/dislikes, wants, fears, feelings and I just wanted to get some insight to help me sort it all out, because I have an unfulfilled feel but I think I mentioned this in the last post, my pastor said, that being worried about fulfilling hopes, dreams, and aspirations is like sin because you aren't listening to God and you aren't being Faithful (I really hope I am saying this all in the right words)....ANYWAY let me get back to "I Can" statements. So in this daily plan, it's talking about Moses and how God told him he needed to go talk to Pharoh and lead the ppl. But Moses was like... I'm not good at Public Speaking, I stutter. God was a little miffed with Moses, cause he told Moses to do something and he was like "I can't." 

We are often told that we can't do something, and many times we internalize this "I can't" and because we begin to believe that we lose Faith in the abilities that we actually have and therefore we can't make it to our blessing. 

At the beginning of the lesson as a Teacher, I am saying: "I can read CVC (Consonant Vowel Consonant) words. And usually, I will say: "We can read CVC words. It's like an affirmation.  You are saying, I can do this thing before saying I can't do this thing. If you are saying you Can do it then the likelihood of you succeeding is greater. 

I think this is what God wants you to do if he calls you to do something, you need to be faithful and say "I can." Unlike Moses who didn't move in Faith at the request of God to speak to Pharoh.  

We should think of this when we are in fear if given a task, we have to know that if we were given an opportunity then we must believe that we can handle the task, otherwise, we could miss the blessing....


God wants you to know that he gave you everything you need to complete the task....

Exodus 4:10-17New International Version (NIV)

10 Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

11 The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?12 Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”

13 But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

14 Then the Lord’s anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and he will be glad to see you. 15 You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. 16 He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. 17 But take this staff in your hand so you can perform the signs with it.”

It Will Be Ok....

I swear the devil will really try to take you out starting with your mind....

So I walk into the church and I'm greeted by the "first lady" the pastor's wife and she is like "Hi, how old are you now?"
I'm used to this because I was never one of the church kids who lived at the church.  So I am like "33" and her response was: 

"Oh you're still young... it will be ok... it will be ok." 

And I was thinking... Um ok.... as I walked in to take my seat. I was cool but the comment kept running through my brain like, what did that mean? 

I am in the service... its praise and worship and my brain is like: What did she mean? And I started to define it... I am thinking, oh she must have been saying this because I am not married and living with my mom.  (Yeah I broke up with my Boyfriend back in February). 

I don't walk into church with a husband. I have been going with my mom for the past 18 years. So this is my assumption and its straight up pissing me off. Now understand I am able to recognize satan and how he works so I already know this is an attack. I am really trying to put all of this out of my head, but it just won't go away... because I was thinking about how ok I am without a having a boyfriend/husband right now. But the feeling that I have been having lately are feelings of not being fulfilled and not knowing how to fulfill these things I want to and feel that I need... so tears started to roll out of my eyes involuntarily and we are in worship, but these tears have nothing to do with worshiping.  So I am wiping tears left and right cause I don't really do public tears... even in church... another story for another day.... 

For whatever reason my mom steps out for a second... (I try to be good in church, I don't do social media in church unless the pastor tells us to take a selfie or something) so I text a friend real quick....  he is a Christian and older so I respect his thoughts on God, Christianity, and his Wisdom. I tell him what happened, but what is funny is right as I am texting this I am like wait.... maybe this is something else. 

I started thinking about this woman of God.  One thing I already knew is that this woman wouldn't be saying anything to me that would be mean hearted.  Something else I thought about was the gift(s) that God has placed over this woman's life.  

As I sent this message I am like: Wait who is to say that she didn't hear something from God to make her say that.  Who is to say that spirit of unfulfilledness was hanging over me even though I wasn't even thinking about it at the time. I had been thinking about last night. I was like maybe here words was just confirmation that IT WILL be OK. With that realization that whole spirit of anger lifted. If I hadn't of gotten that I wouldn't have heard anything the Pastor said and he really had something to say. He even said something that kind of went along with my feelings of being unfulfilled and how we stress ourselves about the things we want, and what we want to do, and what we need, and we concentrated on figuring out how to get this stuff when we really need to put God first instead. In which I already know I fail at putting God first. 

But if I had of allowed that satanic thought process continue going on and on in my brain... I wouldn't be sitting here typing this at all.  

What is even more awesome is I can stop worrying about everything that I think I need to do in order to be fulfilled, give it to God and let him sort it all out. Allow him to work out my life as he sees fit so he can put things in the right order... cause I can't run this... I don't know what I am doing LOL!!! 

Lesson 1: Don't let satan steal your joy... who will use your weakness, he knew my weakness cause I cried about last night instead of praying about it. 

Lesson 2: God has to come first. 

I need to research the bible and what the bible says about fulfillment. 

The funny thing is I have heard this over and over and over again, but it really clicked today.

So I am believing that IT WILL BE OK!  

The Hardest Christmas 2016 edition

The internet has been littered with memes of the cursed 2016. Its been like tragedy after tragedy, death after death...a horrible election/results. 2016 insists on continuing to cause destruction...we thought nothing more can happen after this election, but it has.... I could feel it coming.... I didn't know what it would be but I could feel it.

I usually try to stay positive and if I don't see a positive I stay quiet (unless it's about Trump or Kpop I can be very vocal). I like to have a positive message because if there are any ears listening or eyes watching then they will say... Dani said...Danielle said... Princess of DE said...that hope is not lost and we will make it. But as God would have it...

An unexpected death occurred and I can't really say unexcepted because you really don't know the time or place, but it was unexpected in a side swipe kind of way.

My Aunt became ill, took a turn for the worst and passed away on December 17, in this ill-fated year of 2016.  Dealing with death and the feelings that occur with it is a difficult process. It is like the phrase, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." Because I am me I have to be invincible. No breaking down, "God won't put you through what you can't handle." Happy laughing, Angry Yelling, Worried No sleep, Awake, exhausted. Crying...no tears...no tears...my face is wet...I said no tears. I could see it happening in my mom, her big sister died. She was grieving for real...but mine was inside. My mom took her time off...that was smart...I didn't that was dumb... but I carry a lot on my shoulders, my students me, my mom needs...and I can't break down...WHO AM I? I am Champion....

Thank GOD, my mind is flooded with good memories...mornings in the kitchen drinking coffee at age 6 (she gave all the kids their first taste of coffee), afternoon watching the stories (Soap Operas) drinking pepsi, walking the path to her house from grandma's house, she had Nintendo delivered I'd assume for my cousins, but she was so excited seemed like it was for herself, those Encyclopedias that I just enjoyed looking at (not the inside of them the outside...the numbers... yall know I am different books are pretty) her excitement about Luther Vandross, her excitement about my excitement about Michael Jackson, birthday calls ...growing up and still being "Strawberry Short Cake" who had "bad a$$" boots, that she was going to order for herself too and she did... and Christmas Days when my mom had to figure out which gift would be my aunt's Christmas gift and which would be her Birthday gift...which leads to my point...

The Hardest Christmas...Christmas Day is my Aunt's Birthday. This whole season has been hard on my family.... I have stayed quiet just because like I said I don't talk about my anger or sadness or worries because to harp on such is not for the greater good of any of us, but I have, to be honest with myself and say this has been a difficult time. I have held it together because I have responsibilities...time continues and my mom is mine...my strength is for her. This to shall pass... and as hard as it will be Christmas 2016 will be just like the Whoville Christmas in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." The devil can come in the night to try to steal our joy, but we will wake up with smiles on our faces singing the Mariah Carey version of "Joy To the World" totally undefeated pissing the devil all the way off.

My current image and hope for the spirit of my Aunt are to be hand in hand with my Grandma, my other Aunt while others we have lost are welcoming her to heaven. You think God is throwing a birthday celebration for Jesus the ultimate Christmas baby and all the other Christmas babies...

Please, people, all hope is not lost and we have almost made it to the end of 2016...God has given us grace and mercy, we may have lost a few but remember their suffering is no more... If God took them they have a greater purpose now...and our purpose is to live and praise God until it is our turn. PLEASE be a Whoville and if you feel like a Grinch has stolen your Christmas sing for joy anyway...don't give the devil the opportunity to think that you are down and out... God willing I will see you in the New Year!!!!

MARRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Blessings.... Give onto others.... You never know how you are Blessing someone....

I try to do my best with tithing. I feel like I was better at it in the past even with making less money. I had less bills though. So, I didn't budget well... and well here comes Sunday. I whip out the check book and there is an amount on my heart to give, but that meant I had to BE OH SO VERY CAREFUL until payday. Meaning my almost daily trip to 7 eleven in the morning had to stop, any fast food had to stop and no online shopping until further notice. All very do-able especially since I had already planned to do coffee from home, and had stocked on these honey roasted peanut protein pack I snack on. 

When I came home from work I found left overs warmed them up, but saw that my dogs were about to be out of food. I usually get a big box at Foodlion but recently they had only been selling the small boxes, but I know Acme sells the big boxes. I also remembered that my students reminded my para and I that we need to have special pencils for St. Patricks day. My para had looked at the dollar store but hadn't seen any so I said I would go to Party City. Acme then Party City that was the plan. 

Remember I am on a budget so I could get to excited in party city. So I am looking around I found pencils for both St. Patricks and Easter, two small play brushes for barbies or my little pony so my my one female student would be able to brush their hair. And really cute sign for outside of my classroom. Not much. I was trying to be really careful because I didn't want to go over.  I get in line.  Their is an older African American gentleman behind me who asks if I was a teacher. I said "yes" and said "as a matter of fact all of this is for my class." He said, "yup I could tell." So I go to pay and she begins ring it up and this gentleman comes and says, "I am taking care of hers." And I am just like kind of at a loss for words. I want to say: "no sir that's ok" but I also no I am not supposed to block my blessings. It wasn't that much but it was still a huge blessing in two ways. First monetarily and second humanity. 

I told the gentleman that, "when you sow into others you will be blessed times over what you give." He even asked me if I need more pencils. I explained I only have 3 students. Humanity or being nice, showing care, having a heart, noticing a teacher, noticing the love we have for students that was the other blessing. I do have a heart for my kiddos. I am always trying to figure out how to make sure students have a great day, are safe, fed(they don't always like lunch), and learning. 

But I can relate this situation back to Sunday and tithing.  To be honest sometimes when I give I don't always remember that God will give back to me over and abundantly. But today I wasn't just sowed into monetarily but I was shown how good people can be... I was reminded that I need to show others the same kindness.  I knew that this was something that I couldn't just write a small Facebook post. 

This isn't the first act of kindness in this year. Someone else blessed me and I would have blasted it all over Facebook because one it was kind of her to think of me and two I really look up to her, but I don't think she really needed it to blasted everywhere. BUT GOD IS SO GOOD because not long after she blessed me, she was blessed monetarily 10x what she had given to me and I automatically knew it was God blessing her and I explained it to her. I am not one to preach but in that moment I knew it was God. Prior to that my boyfriend took me to a teacher store I carefully chose things trying to stay on a budget but when we got in line he took care of it saying "I just want you to be successful." 

Now I am starting to see a the bigger picture, God's picture... These individual situations are all blessings into my career. Lately I have been questioning my teacherdom as I have some exceptional students or should I say students with exceptionalities. It gets REALLY REALLY hard. But now realizing that these 3 times of what I can remember, (because my para blesses me as well) are times my career has been sowed into I know that I need to stay on my path. 

Thank You Jesus!!! Please bless those who have blessed me! AND help me to bless others and to be a blessing to my students!! Amen!!! 

New Year, Let Him Help You!!!

Well it is a NEW YEAR and you know what that means!!! New Goals!!! Before you get it twisted I am SOOOO not saying, "New Year, New Me." Not at all because there can't be a new me, I am me no matter what BUT I can try and be a better me. Plus I think it is super important to have some goals for a new year. 

First things first!!!! Being a better person. Seriously I think in 2013 I was sort of snarly. I think there was an icebox where my heart use to be and I am not even sure why I was like that. I may need to humble myself even though I don't believe I had become arrogant or anything but humility may help me in my future. Also taming the tongue and watching my tone. I feel like I tend to say things in a very nasty tone especially in my household and that doesn't help anyone. I feel like to my students I have all the patience in the world and at home if a pin drops I am irate. I need to just think positive and walk away from the petty. 

Secondly, humbling yourself and walking positively keeping your mouth from getting nasty all needs the help of Jesus. When I first began this blog I felt like I was in a fight with myself to become a teacher. I had reasonable goals that I set and met. I did all of that God, but this past year I am feeling like I walked less with God and more on my own, which on my own I can only get to destruction and that is pretty much where I was headed. The last five months of 2013 were NOT cool. I am really going to have to slow my roll and make sometime with Jesus. That way when I feel attacks from an adversary the blows won't be as hard as they were during 2013. 

Third...Speaking of God, I really, really, really, really really REALLY NEVER wanted to go here BUT... I really need to possibly become a wife. One thing that I really have never done is prayed for a husband, I think its dumb. I've always had the patience and when I met guys who were cool but clearly not the one I also knew to fall back, knowing that the guy wasn't for me. But I am about to be 30. I think one of the biggest reasons I was ok with not being married is because I didn't want to be that girl someone has to save because she hasn't gotten herself together. Then I realize I was being just like those guys who are like, "I like you, but I really need to get myself right." Know full well you can't get right. Now I am not saying I would like to get married in 2014, I am not even saying I want to be engaged in 2014, it would be nice to just meet that person. Maybe we've already met. Who knows? I have always let God handle this aspect with asking him of anything but this time I am asking. 

At the end of the Day God really runs everything so with that being said for the fourth thing I would really like to hear from Him about my career. I know what I want, but what does God want for me? Where should I be or where is God sending me? What should I do? Like I said I know what I want, but its really not about me. 

On the personal side, I would really like to write a publish worthy novel, I need to have more confidence in myself and my writing. I need to allow my imagination to run wild. 

SO really in 2014 I need do less talking and more listening to God. He made a promise to me and I will never forget that he said not to worry because everything would be alright and that I would be happy and I am counting on it. 

2014 I am so ready! 

Pillar

Death is interesting to say the least...it seems to bring people to a lost for words. The last post I made was about a death, so I guess this is how I deal. Someone died and although you can his o-bit is on the internet for confidentiality reasons I won't say his name, but I'll note that he was a child, the littlest of our youngsters.

Death touches us all differently. Some of us grieve briefly and move on, some of us grieve for years and never truly recover. The first death I remember effecting me gravely was that of my maternal grandmother. But I guess there is something that my mother taught that makes me sort of brush off the hurt/pain and get back on the horse. I think when my paternal grandfather passed I worried more about my paternal grandmother. I was a few year wiser upon this death and I had a better understanding of how to hold it in. Although I actually cried for like a minute out loud at work, but no one was there other than my aunt and maybe one other co worker. Then I wiped my tears and got back to work.

(Michael Jackson's death is a sour note in my life that still makes me drop a tear due to the terrible situation surrounding his death, so they are not tears for death but more idolizing tears of the pop star that was...)

I allow others to grieve and I "suck it up." It's sort of like I am the pillar. People lean on me; I am the ear that listens, I cottle, I build back up. While I let you feel, I make sure I look like the brick people know me to be.

I guess I made the mistake of being a cry baby in front of the wrong people, plus I have found that people are paralyzed when I (or others) break down. Especially men (at least the ones I know) and there is nothing worst than crying and needing that pat on the back from someone who is awkwardly watching.

My mother's text Monday was: "Hold it together about, little J--, sad thing." I did just that even as I remembered how on Friday he was sitting on my lap laughing and smiling as he practiced for the up coming Special Olympics. He was grabbing the modified small soft and squishy basketball, then dunking it like the next Michael Jordan. I held it together, when I remembered how that Saturday I found out this little guy knew how to play, "peek-a-boo."
 "I notice he was putting his hands up to his eyes then bringing them down, while I was changing him, I told my mom, I finally figured out he was playing "peek-a-boo."
I can see his face while he was on the changing table with the biggest smile on his face with his very quiet laugh. I even mentioned my favorite thing to do with this kiddo, which was when he would be sitting on my lap and I would let him hold my index finger with his tiny hands. Then I would make my legs sort of bounce and move his arms ever so gently as to mock driving a horse and buggy. And I would say to him: "Oh you must drive the buggy, do you drive the buggy?" He would smile and I would stop as I worried about too much movement or excitement. No matter how much the teacher/para would say he was a tough dude and not as fragile as he looked I would still always worry that I was doing to much. I am sure if he could have talked that he would have asked: "Why'd you stop?"
If you haven't figured it out he was Amish. So I also held it together as I told a co-worker about putting his little homemade Amish coat and bonnet on his little body before we went out to get on the bus at the end of the day. 

When I walked into the school this morning I knew that I had to continue being the pillar that I am, even as I saw wheelchairs moving and I knew he wouldn't be in them; even when I walked in the classroom and saw his little shirt lying on the desk along with his o-bit.

I don't think people would blame me if I broke down, but I think I would be mad at myself, but when being a pillar you're basically holding it all in, so then when you want to feel it won't come out or worst the original feeling turns into other emotions. Basically, after working in the classroom of the student who passed and holding everything in I went to my second job and wanted to get some of it out, but by this point it had been transformed into a different emotion. So now I am here typing these words as I think about Michael Jackson's song: Gone too Soon.

Now I don't know what the Amish believe, and although there are many ideas from the Christian perspective, I can see this little guy in heaven with the other children that leave us at an early age playing and laughing and singing. Maybe he is with other little Amish children, or maybe all children are together. I guess I can see this because that is the last image I saw of him before he died. Or maybe he is an angel. Either way I can't ask why, and I can't be angry. I can only accept that this happen and hope that if he was in pain that his suffering is over. I hope that he can sit on my Grandmother's lap and "drive his buggy."

   

He Could Be Me/ I Could Be Him

So I go onto facebook to announce that my Netflix account is back up and running after fraudulent activity but my joy was soon taken as an article about Lee Thompson Young  was posted on my newsfeed from TMZ. He was found dead from what appears to be an self inflicted gun shot. He was 29. 

For those of you who don't know Lee Thompson Young played Jett Jackson on the Disney Show:  "The Famous Jett Jackson." Now I wasn't a disney kid, I grew up on Nickelodeon, but I remember every now and then catching this show on Disney and thinking wow he is a black dude with those gorgeous eyes with his own show on Disney....WOW! He went on to do other things and quite honestly I went on to be a fangirl to others. 

The reason this story about his apparent suicide affects me is because it reminded me that no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter how successful you are or how unsuccessful you are, demons follow. It is up to you whether you want to live and fight them or give up. 

For about two weeks I have been weaving in and out of depression like symptoms. I don't like that word so instead of saying depression I will say I was having some good days and some bad days. Sleep deprivation played a role, and recognizing that I am at another new beginning. New beginnings are good, but because its new its also unknown at times.  I have two new beginnings, one I am currently looking for a position as a teacher; two I am dating someone. (Good times right? a time to be proud right? a time to be happy right?) Not sure where either will lead me, but I also don't like the unknown and fear arises. I have a lot of "I'm not good enough" thoughts. Not good enough to be anything that I desire to be.... That is my demon. And as I said, no matter what, demons follow. When you have gotten comfortable and have forgotten, oh cause you forget at times, that demon will be right on top of you choking you trying to take you out. The question is: will you let him win or will you fight? 

 I am not saying that this is what was going on with Lee Thompson Young. I don't really know his story, AND it has YET to be confirmed that this was indeed suicide, but he was 29. And that struck me because we are the same age. He was 5 days older than me. He would have been 30 on February 1st. Some of us have big problems with 30, I do. I feel like there are a lot of things I am not that I wanted to be by 30. I often feel like everyone's life is moving and mine is stuck. When I saw: "He was 29" all I kept thinking was he could be me or I could be him.

I am really sad about this brother's death, but my saying is that everything happens for a reason.  When I read it I was immediately sadden, but at the same time I heard a word in it. I don't want to lose. So I have to fight. I only know one way to fight....pleading the Blood of Jesus and praying. I gotta get into the scriptures and remember the word of God, cause that's how you fight in this situation. I have all the faith in the world, but need more in myself, self doubt is just fear....

I can only hope that his man is at peace. I hope that he has found solace in the place that he is now resting. I really hope that any others that have found themselves in a situation where they feel that all hope is lost are able to find help before falling into a place in which they can't return. 
 (again I am not saying that this was the situation that Lee Thompson Young was in)

The light at the end of this tunnel is that, often at funerals a preacher gives a word and offers to whomever is there who needs Jesus to come up and become born again. I feel like to a certain degree the break of this story was sort of like a personal alter call. 

RIP Lee Thompson Young 

"Don't Let Evil Rita Put a Spell On Your Mind"

Yeah...Yeah...Yeah... I know I ought to be blogging a lot more especially coming from a blog in which I probably could publish a new post twice a day if not more. Of course that was when I was blogging on many random topics such as my many gripes of life to my favorite artist.

Sometimes I get in a funk and can’t make myself blog. I am a positive person or I like to send out positivity and when I am in a funk it is hard to stay positive, therefore I tend to ignore my blog duties. I just don’t like sending bad vibes into the world because there are already enough bad vibes.

Luckily I moved out of my “feelings” and on to my life and have been able to make some of my resolutions happen for real. And yet another unfortunate twist of events occurred as I put these resolutions into action and I got sick. The flu… it took over for a week.

While everything sat on hold again I took time to watch one of my favorite shows... the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.Hey we all have our “things”…my thing is MMPR. When I am bored and feel like I need a break, MMPR gives me that break. It’s something from my childhood that sends me back, and takes a load off my shoulders. 

So in the midst of my sickness and in the middle of my MMPR overload I had an epiphany if you will…in the beginning of this show the enemy was Rita Repulsa who wanted to bring the rangers down …right…well I thought to myself Rita never gave up. She would have Finster create a monster send it down to Earth and the rangers would have to figure out how to beat this monster. Rita would lose and try again... always. 

So I thought to myself evil never gives up…but neither does good. I have probably seen every episode during the course of MMPR and there were times I can remember clinging to the edge of my seat as a child watching as the rangers took one step to victory and made three giant steps back. 

The command center has been destroyed, they have lost Zordon, Alpha 5 has had viruses, their zords have been destroyed, they have been under evil spells, they have lost members of the team, they have lost their powers, parents have been kidnapped, Rita was kicked out and Lord Zedd, a more evil sinister ruler showed up, later, Rita and Zedd got married to be evil together, and in the end the Rangers through the power of goodness have always beat them. 







Now I am sure you are saying, "Well Dani that is the way the show was built, good vs. evil and good will always win"…sure but that doesn’t stop this completely fantastical adventure show from teaching faith. MMPR was not known for its great acting and lines for the characters, but something they would say all the time is: “Come guys, we can’t give up.” The Pink Ranger might say: “It looks like Rita got us this time.” And the Red Ranger the leader would say: “No way, there has got to be a way to get this monster.”

Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

I think that sometimes I have got to start looking at life like the Power Rangers and when I am feeling some sort of way like my personal Rita is ruining my life and there is no way to win I might need to say “come on I can’t give up, I’m a power ranger” or something to that effect. How many times have we been in a similar situations as the power rangers…instead of our Zords being destroyed maybe its our bills are over due and we need gas for our car and instead of being stuck in the command center we are stuck in our beds and instead and watching Rita’s monster destroy everything on the viewing globe, we are "viewing" everyone else’s life move by on the Facebook "globe". That’s when you need to sit up and say: “Come on, I can’t give up.”

(Fan made "I Will Win" music video, music from Power Rangers)

James 1:3: because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

Now I can take it one step further and show the similarities in the Zords to Jesus (as they were also resurrected) because the Zords were always there for the rangers when they needed them … *in preacher's voice* and when it seemed like they were destroyed or lost, they would always return good as new, (they had risen from their tomb) or when Lord Zedd arrived and appeared to be worst then Rita, the rangers didn’t think they could handle him, but were proven that they wouldn’t be given a challenge that they couldn’t handle...

...but I am not sure if people are quite ready for the ideas that boggle my mind.   

BUT.....

I Corinthians: 10:13: No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it... (NIV)

Isaiah 54:17

 But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper...

and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong. This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord [those in whom the ideal Servant of the Lord is reproduced]; this is the righteousness or the vindication which they obtain from Me [this is that which I impart to them as their justification], says the Lord. (AMP)

You know what is interesting is that some ranger fans are atheists or just don't have such beliefs, but are still inspired through the show understanding that there is good and evil and that having perseverance pays off in the end....
The impact of the show is astounding and many of the fans have similar stories, the overall message:      It took me out of a dark place when...It made me feel better when... I am not going to apologize for seeing Gods work in that....