Journaling Self Discovery Challenge Day 1

What would you be doing if money wasn’t an issue? 

So I pondered this question and I swear I go back and forth with the answer. I mean at first I thought well if I am absolutely honest with myself I would just do nothing. If money isn't an issue then I could be found on a beach relaxing drinking a banana margaritas (yes that's a thing). 

But of course I feel guilt for wanting to do nothing. How does lounging on the beach help anyone? It doesn't really help me. And if money isn't an issue, wouldn't we be better equipped to help others? 

I recently found out about Signature Strengths and one of mine happens to be love of learning. Call me a nerd, geek, whatever, I have a vast knowledge of pop culture, and knowledge of random facts (like if I see certain birds in the neighborhood I look them up by attributes and never forget it, so I can identify birds to the point that I really want to join the Audubon Society). AND even though most of us hate it, I enjoy professional developments (except the boring ones). I do indeed love learning at leisure. Since I have a bachelors and masters seems like a doctorate would be next... only I don't want a doctorate in education... I have been studying on my own the Science of Well-Being and I have an interest in Positive Psychology.  I actually decided to get a specialization in this science. Basically, it will certify that I learned about Positive Psychology, but I really think that it would be good to have a formal education in the science and use it in some way that could help people. I don't know how I expect to do this, but I hope that one day I am a person who people listen to about maintaining a positive outlook on life. Sometimes I get down on myself because I am not ALWAYS happy, I get sad, upset and depressed like anyone else, but I would love to share that realness/vulnerability with others. I might not even have to get a degree in Positive Psychology, to be a "guru" but it seems like that would make it legit. LOL!  

I could see myself traveling for both leisure and work, because I would be a motivational speaker. (Hopefully I would learn the skills to stop self sabotaging.)

If money isn't an issue I feel like I would be better equipped to help my sorority when we work on service projects. 

Also I would move to California... I would invite my mom and brother to move with me, of course they would get their own spot on my property and I would have a Maltese and a Yorkie.  ( I would name them Min and Jun for reasons) I would still have opportunities to lounge on a beach or just in my backyard and still get to drink banana margrita's.  

What wouldn't we do if Money wasn't an issue? I can put together a full list of things... to help others and myself.  Like have children, get a new smile (like veneers), take my boo to Hawaii (yes I would take them cause money ain't a thang), give to an organization of my choosing, adopt a child, and of course cosplay, etc etc etc.   
It's safe to say I would not have the same day job. 

Greatest Success

Success???? What is it? How do you measure it? 
OMG that is such a teacher question. You can measure success IF you have created a goal. For example: “I will write a blog each day over the course of the month.” That means my outcome should be 30 (or 31) days of blogs. If I write 20/30 then I was only 66% successful. (This was really some teacher type stuff OMG why can’t I be regular). Unfortunately I don’t have a goal that I can measure like that. I mean the past decade I did earn my masters in special education, became a teacher, became an AKA and met practically all of the power rangers and there is a way to measure that, but how about I talk about something that other people can’t really see and some people have trouble handling...

People have trouble accepting who they are as a person. People have trouble accepting themselves because “society” says you are to be a certain way.  For many years I was called weird or different. I mean a few kids in school, even friends, some family always made comments like I was the different one. I talked about this in another blog. I am saying I have been successful in accepting my “different.”  When people friend or foe say: “you are different” or “You are so weird” or “why are you like that?” It makes you start to wonder too, like WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I think the biggest battle is the “your obsessed”  comment. I am sure I have blogged about this as well, because yeah I am obsessed. That word had such a negative connotation and literally to this everytime that I hear someone describe me with that word I cringe a little. I mean don’t we use obsessed when we are talking about people who stalk and kill people. There was a WHOLE movie called Obsessed that about a woman who had become Obsessed with a married man to the point of stalking and trying to kill. And also lying about the whole thing. And someone once told me the better word would be passionate, I find that word to be a little disturbing as well as it tied to lust and sexual feelings. (Not to say that...)

When I like something, well really I love it. I mean if you want to get technical I talk about work a lot. I like my profession, enough that I enjoy certain professional developments, I like team meetings, when something is offered I most usually accept it, I never fuss when A child of a different grade level is placed in my class, I for real enjoy the challenge of figuring kids out. I like learning about how to better myself as a teacher and I don’t care which principal says I am “highly effective” or plainly “effective” there is alway room for growth. I “obsess” about whether I am doing/making the right choices for my students as I love them as they are mine for 8hrs 5days a week (most weeks). I ponder about how I can improve the well-being of my students at odd times. I was just telling my mom I have to stop myself from messaging people at late hours because they are probably sleep and at home chilling. No one will call this weird I guess because its for a selfless situation. BUT...

Oh Sweet Baby Jesus...

 YOU LOVE AND TALK ABOUT THAT KOREAN STUFF TOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!!! 

Yeah man... I love Jun. K. Yeah man... I have written a few fanfics with him in it. Yeah man I can identify Jun. K by his eyes and teeth... like don’t you wish someone loved you that much??? No? And yeah maybe its a lot... but it is what it is... I didn’t say to myself, oh imma watch this video until I memorize his molars, I just happened to notice that he has some dental imperfections. Who doesn’t? But that is besides the point. I have my other infatuations... I have had them all my life and its not just like Jun. K and Power Rangers and Michael Jackson and Marques Houston, its small little things, like all music. I often surprise people because I know Perry Como and Cole Porter, and I went through a Dorothy Dandridge phase. When I was a kid I watched Beauty and the Beast so much I can recite the movie to this day. That’s my only Disney favorite.  I actually love clothes or maybe its the textures and the colors, when I was kid I use to hug dresses that were sequined, and I fantasized about the day I would be able to wear dresses like that and now I do. If I can’t figure something out I work on it until I do. I also know random trivia facts. Like at one point I thought trying out for Jeopardy, but I am more like Jeopardy Junior/College genius lol. There are other interests, I just happen to have several pictures and posters of Jun. K as well as his solo albums on display, I have all of 2pms albums also on display. I buy Jun. K merch and I have no Regrets because these things I speak about have brought way too much joy. 

 

So... I am cool with this person... because honestly I am not sure what I would do without these “Obsessions” I feel like I would be a dull person. AND yes I bring this particular topic up quite a bit and that is for two reasons. 

1.) It affected me deeply. I mean even my mom had a lot of trouble understanding me as a kid (And she really probably was just tired of hearing me talk all day about one particular subject especially one that means nothing to her like Michael Jackson).

 2.) There are people who struggle with serious issues, regarding sexuality and other thoughts and feeling that are very difficult to bring up and discuss because they were shot down everytime they tried to discuss it, and they never get to fully live the life they want because they are scared to expose their life. 

I want people to be free. I don’t want people to be tormented by there own thoughts and the opinions of others when people should just “live ya life.”  

Its a tough road because you have to de-program your brain from thinking you are bad to know that you are awesome. 

I now know I am awesome because I am weird, obsessed, passionate, intense, a nerd, a geek, and whatever else has been said so I am able to say I am successful in believing in my awesomeness (I have to be my own hype man)

PS: I know way too many fangirls who don’t tell their families don’t tell their friends, their fangirling is like living a double life all because people act like its crazy or something. Don’t hide girls (or boys) love your bias HARD (or soft)

 

30 Day Challenge: Day 13: Write A Letter To Someone Who Hurt You

Dear Fear-
You B*tch! I really need you to leave my life, right now. I don’t need you, especially since I know you are a lie from the devil. All you ever did was paralyze me from doing the things that I wanted to do, by scaring me into thinking I would be better off not taking a chance. Or by telling me I wasn’t good enough to be anything more...you were wrong. You know the last straw should have been the night before Morphicon 2018, when I started to have that fear of the unknown anxiety. But I was able to suck it up and make it! Then you tried again in when I was heading to Tennessee for Leadership with my sorority, luckily I was able to suck it up and put on my big girl pants AGAIN. Please leave me alone... can’t you see that I am not going to listen to you anymore. I am going to continue to follow my dreams and if I have to step out of my comfort zone I will because I have found that the more that I listen to my heart and do the things that I want the more I realize you are just holding me back. Every-time I step out on faith I grow because I accomplish whatever goal I set before myself. Now you want to put fear into my being with other worries, but guess what I will still defeat you as I have every-time in the past. A person can’t figure it out until they try. When you have a situation in front of you and you choose to try you come to a fork in your road and you are given more options, you choose again and there are more options. Yes it is scary, because we know that with good times comes bad times and there will be times when we choose an option and maybe things don’t work out in the first path, but guess what there is another path. You know I listen to Mariah Carey and you know she sang:
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain

She also sang:

Up out my face boy
Up out my face boy
Up out my face, I break

You ain't never gonna feel this thing again
You gon' get a lot of calls 'cause I CC-ed all your friends (I break)
I ain't walking around all mopey and sad
Take a look at my bags baby (I break, when I break I break)

So basically I’m out of this emotionally abusive relationship... I am enough, and you are a joke. Don’t even trying messing with my fam or friends... vanish my dude!!! 

Sincerely, 

Princess of DE 

PS: 

30 Day Challenge: Day 12: Blogger?

How did I find Blogger? Why did I start one?

In the days of MySpace I use to blog regularly if not like 2 or 3 times a day. For whatever reason we all stopped using MySpace. I don’t know why. I just know we stopped. I tried other modes of blogging but nothing was quite like MySpace. I believe a gentleman that went to Howard started a blog around 2010 about his dating aspirations and the loss of his job due to the market changing. I am not even gonna say names because I found out he was put on front street by his ex and its messy.  At the time I admired his work and I was having a tough time with working a part-time job, without journalism being involved. I am sure I searched “Blog Spot” because in the web link it always said Blog.spot. Searching blog spot sent me to blogger. So when I started the blog I had time because I worked where I was usually not very busy and in front of a computer. I was fairly bored. I was also at an age when I thought, as I got older and starter to mature and mature things would start happening  in my life that I would want to share. (More info about that: https://princessofde.blogspot.com/2019/11/30-days-of-me-day-2-meaning-behind-name.html ) Unfortunately by the time those things started happening, I hadn’t kept up with the blog and decided to keep a lot to myself. For instance between 2014-2017 I was in a very good relationship... well good on my end (I have no complaints we just wanted two different things) ...and there were good times that I could have shared on this blog... (Would it be weird to share that now? 😂 ) At the time I shared pics on instagram, but I didn’t feel like I needed to go into details on a blog so I didn’t. I honestly thought I was going to get the ring, but I was wrong. In the mean time I started a Kpop/KDrama blog and I was posting on that one more. For example... my relationship ended at the end of February of 2017 and my favorite singer had a freak accident like the same night or something... I bet you I blogged about that... (Please view: https://kdramaseoul.blogspot.com/2017/02/jun-k-accident-during-d-3-of-6-nights.html )
I guess in the beginning I really wanted to show the life and times of the Princessofde, but as I would blog I really wanted to make sure I was promoting a positive message, which is why many posts were spiritual. I started this 30 day challenge to help me revitalize this blog... but I think it is going to help revitalize myself.  😂

30 Days of Me: Day 7: Something That Made The Biggest Impact On Me

At first thought my mom came to mind as far as biggest impact on my life, as far as the way I was raised, but I have to say something that had a huge impact was....

The above pic is after an extended stay in the hospital in May of 2007. I was dressed to leave, but still laying in the bed that I had been in for a month. I was probably 80 lbs give or take. Later in December on the 17th it was revealed that I needed an emergency surgery called an “ileostomy” or I would died. 

The above picture isn’t me but, this is how I had to live for 3 months. Luckily my ostomy was able to be reversed. 

If you look close at this picture on the left, you can see where the stoma is on my belly. When I heard the doctor say ileostomy, I thought my life was over. When I came out of surgery he told me it would be reversed, but in those 3 months I found out how strong and amazing I could be. You have to remember in 2007-2008 I was 23-24 years old. I was fresh out of undergrad and hadn’t really figure life out, but I continued and I lived. This was definitely a turning point in my life and I realized life is too short. I had to live. It took another 2 years to really focus in and figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but I am not sure if my life would have gone this way had I never experienced getting as sick as I got. I appreciate this experience. Sometimes it takes something like this to move you out of the situation you are in and into a better situation. I have some amazing scars and I love them because they represent where I’ve been and that I lived through it. My mom says the scars are not as noticeable, but I see them and I am ok with that and embrace them.