Sleepless nights....

Ugh...student teaching is ruining my life...so is Lexington Comic and Toy Con. SMH! 

Ok so those things really aren't but I am still awake for two reasons, I really really really should be reviewing and printing my lesson plans for tomorrows sort of random a$$ informal observation. Obviously I am not doing that. And my mind is so like crazy about Lexington which is like coming up and my facebook friend who are going are talking all about it and the panels and rangers etc etc etc. I am like OMG, system over load over load over load...and it is just a matter of time and I am going to shut down....BUT I can't!!! I can't let my excitement ruin me. AND not only is getting closer to LEX BUT umm yeah LEX is right in the middle of getting closer and closer to the end of Student Teaching.... Graduation in May how about that!!! LOL!!! WOW!!! That is crazy!!! The difference between this graduation and Howard's graduation is I am actually READY to graduated. I was not ready when I graduated from HU. OMG!!! But now I am!!!! VERY MUCH SO!!!! Can you tell I am hype??  EXCITED anxiety is like the worst. I never know how this observations are gonna go...I just thank God that he has be with me through all of this, because I couldn't be doing it on my own. Because I have excelled everytime. Anyway this is just a short not to get some of this stuff off my mind. I need to get this stuff printed and make sure that I have it all together!!! 

IT'S CRUNCH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Repressed Memories: 4th Grade

I have terrible audition fright. No, I don't mean stage fright. I literally me audition fright because once I am on stage I am like Beyonce and that whole Sasha Fierce alter ego thing only I don't hide behind an alter ego, I am Dani D. the Princess of Delaware, Daniella the Pink Ranger, Danielita Valasquez or Yaki Keiko Sayuri. (Damn seems like Multi-personality disorder smh) BUT I DIGRESS...I don't audition, when in my heart of hearts, I would love to sing in public because my dog is not the best audience and I would love to act on stage maybe a small role you know, I ain't trying to be the star I just want a little taste of it, but one needs the audition right?

So I am sitting in my room singing I think Etta James and a memory popped in my head. It was the 4th grade talent show, and what I remembered was two boys on stage with Michael Jackson's Remember the Time playing and they were lip syncing and I mean like they weren't singing at all they were literally lip syncing and in my head I saw myself as that fourth grader saying to myself well I wouldn't have lip synced. I also remember some class mates saying it should have been me on stage, but it wasn't and its not because I didn't audition, but obviously because I wasn't chosen. And then it all came back. I remember bringing in my cassette tape player in and I am sure MJJ's Black or White. I was very confident, let us remember for about 9 years as in from birth to that point MJJ was all that I did listen to and all I danced to and I could do all the Michael Jackson dance moves. I was not scared or worried. I might have been a tad nervous, but over all I was like: "I got this!" I got up in front of the class and EVERYONE was like OMG it's Danielle, we KNOW she is doing MICHAEL so this will be GREAT!! I did everything including the moonwalk. But when it was all said and done, the twerp with the magic kit got to do the talent show and I got to sit in the audience. And if that wasn't bad enough it was like a total slap in my face when another teacher chose these two nerd a$$ idiots to be in the show and they looked ridiculous. The one boy lipped the song and the other did uncordinated 1990's dance moves NOT relating to MJJ at all. As I remembered all this I was like:

WAIT A MINUTE!?!?! Is this the audition that would forever keep me from other auditions? Like was it repressed and all this time I have had issues with auditions because my little 4th grade mind couldn't process what had happened? I mean it makes so much sense. I mean it is like that episode of Family Guy when they get Lois' Brother out of the home and Peter says: "Pow right in the kisser" and because of an image from his youth and that very line the dude goes ape S*** killing fat people.  I mean I really hadn't thought of that like in ever. SMH... I wondered is this the rejection that ruined my future. I mean look at the rest of my life. I always wanted to showcase myself never took the spot light. And remember that one time that I wrote that poem. I know YOU don't but I do! I wrote a poem that my class thought was awesome and the English teacher though it was garbage and pretty much told me it was crap and what did I do I stopped writing poetry, well I didn't stop completely but I keep it hidden and I don't call myself a poet, I call myself an expressionist. It wasn't until recently that I considered myself to be a Haikuist and I am not confident in it, because that teacher told me my poem sucked. (It was about the red ranger and the NEW thunderzord DAMN you my teacher must have been Rita Repulsa) I didn't repress that though, wish I had of cause damn if I wasn't really jacked (and still am) from that comment. But that 4th grade audition. WOW! I didn't think of it until now.

I really just wish I had the confidence in myself, then I would be just a tad bit more happier. I don't need to be Beyonce, I am Danielita Valasquez (well here lately I have been Sayuri) but I no one knows. They just read the blog (or not) ppl from DHS probably think of me a quiet, studious, and SERIOUS. My Howard folks probably got a better taste of the real me, loud, fun-loving, and ridiculous.

Missed chances...

My Korean Baby Daddy

This crossed my mind as I think about the moment I had at WilmU tonight. I'll just say it involved an Asian male in uniform and myself feeling like I was 12 all over again. I made eyes, he made eyes, returned to class and then my brother was finished with class and that was the end. Although in hindsight I know diddly squat about this dude and my infatuation stems from an attraction I have for Asians (since Kindergarten BTW) and overall he could have "noticed" me because I had worked myself up into a school girl frenzy straight out of a Korean Drama. "Oppa!"
  MY POINT IS, if there was more too it we will never know. Let's be hypothetical. What if he was someone I could have started something with now we never know and it reminds me of this other time that I didn't see what could have happened. "Bjong". Yeah I don't know if that his name at all, but that is what it sounded like he said, but he will forever be known as the Filipino from Durham, NC. That was also a situation where he probably was drunk and I was actually cognitive (enough to know that we were dancing in a circle) and overall meeting someone in a club is a no-no for me, but still we never know and now whenever I think about Durham or the Philippines I am like "Bjong" smh. 

I am like Yang Eun-bi (the woman) in so many ways

Ok so let's say that instead of acting like a 12 year old in the food quart of the mall, I actually acted as an adult and introduced myself or vice-versa and it led to something what could that have been? (I guess that is what I asking above) But what I am saying is what could come of it? Chances taken in the past have taught me that taking chances is ignorant and should never take place. Every chance, I don't care if it led to a 4 year relationship or a summer fling, obviously being that I am single now seems to me taking chances have led to "808s and Heartbreak." ( and the saga continues I just haven't commented about it :-/) 

What eases my mind about the "Bjong's" of the world is that I am a BIG believer of "if it is meant to be it will be" and therefore if one day I just so happen to run into the "Bjong" of Durham or the "Bjong" of Wilmington University, Dover Campus Building B then it was meant to be, but being "a little bit more seriouser" obviously nothing was meant to be.... as a matter of fact "Bjong" is not a part of my goal for this year anyway. I am not quite sure when I will be ready for that to be honest. THE CRAZY thing is I be buggin' so much about having a family, getting married, trying to get it done before I turn 40 because now yeah if that happens in the next 10 years I will be lucky. I don't want to become a "Jamona" which is Puerto Rican Slang for a women who never marries. (Yeah that is the one thing I took away from reading a memoir about a Puerto Rican writer, smh.) 

What I have learned in my 29 years(really about 11-12 years being from 18y/o- now) is that relationships are serious business especially if you are going to take them to that ultimate level and so many people either rush into such or think that because she got preggo that marriage has to occur and it jacks up a lot of people and creates a lot of problems. So overall I get sad when I think about failed relationships, more so about the time and actual care put into them, but I quickly get over it simply because I know that with every ounce of me that is ready to settle, be someone's wife and mother, there's a lot of me that's not ready. A lot of me understands some of the consequences of marriage or serious adult relationships that involve money, power and respect for lack of better terms. If I had of understood such ideas a few years ago then I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. And if I had of gotten married back, long ago, before Bey married J, before Kim Kardashian and Ray J called it quits than, I wouldn't be who I am/ about to be today and I like me now a HELLUVA lot better than the me from then.... And although I do love the person I am I still deal with confidence issues as far as being a good woman for a man, but I guess that is called baggage...smh.

What the picture of the cat in a frame tells me...

She needs the Django and the "jango" is silent. SMH.... Someone recently found their way into my life. She and I share some commonalities like being self-proclaimed nerds. Anime, Comics,(Power Rangers) Bookworms...etc. But recently I was told that this person is basically neurotic. In other words this chick has her panties in a bunch, but no one has given her anything to be all razzle dazzled yet. In my pressence I did see some ADD behavior and some comments made me think that she either takes a pill or is in need of one, but one thing helped me realize that what she really needed was the D. A framed picture of a pet cat....smh. Now I don't know the background story for this picture, maybe it was a beloved cat that died. But if its a current pet then it leads me to this post. 

One thing I remember as a kid in 7th through 12th grades are those jokes about teachers/substitutes, oh you know the joke. When the teacher or substitute comes in and is really b*tchy or mean for what seems like no reason. It could be heard whispered throughout the class, "she needs to get a man, She needs to get laid." It's hilarious because I remember being a substitute in a 6th grade class and when I "let them know who's boss" I heard a few, "She must not have a boyfriend." All I could do was laugh and think how wrong we were for saying such things, because I was so not in need of any Django (well I was, but  that wasn't why I was get loud; it was important for the kids to understand that I wasn't a push over). Even though I learned to really dislike the whole, "she's mean, she must not have a man," or "She's not getting any that is why she acts like that," I can say that in my analysis of the situation, this poor lady really probably could use a little Django and if she is a lesbian she may need the... Django (LMAO).  For some people the D is like a cup of tea or taking time to smell the roses. And I just felt a twinge of guilt for making such a post, but damn I am 29,  I am grown, I understand this subject area.  If you are a female and you like boys then you get this subject. (It also has to be good Django otherwise you are still gonna be in a F***ed up mood). And sometimes it really does make a difference in your attitude and the way you treat others. I think it is worst on women ages 25-50. (My mom has accused me of such a problem from time to time and encouraged visits to the BF at that time, I don't think that was the issue at the time because I was in my early 20's, I think I was still trying to find/create myself, of course at the time in my head I was like "How dare she", but I went along with it since she was cosigning such trips). The person in the situation is 39+1, child-less, and husband-less. Us ladies of today's day and age try to act like we are ok with being boyfriend-less, child-less and husband-less when on the inside our heart dies a little everytime one of our friends gets married or pregnant. 

Everytime I see a facebook status that says: "We get to learn the sex of the baby today" or I see a sonagram pic I am like: 

The problem is I am eating cake and crying. (But I have come to realize even though my body is very ready for all of the above it can only handle cake right now). What becomes the issue is deeper than needing the "D."   The issues become, "What if I never meet that someone?" "Today I am 29, I will be 40 in no time." Having babies at 40 is the new trend, and so is autism. (Not to say that age of mothers is what causes autism, but the older you are the greatest chance for having a child with disablities. AND not to say that there is something wrong with disabilities because if you didn't know Spec ED is my thing and I am probably going to adopt a child with disabilites one day.) BTW how did this become about me. I was talking about a nerdy cat lady who is probably going to have a mid life crisis soon if that is not the current issue, because she is so not getting the "D".  The "D" is not my problem. (Even though I am the nerdy dog lady). There is plenty of D to go around, I just prefer to have the "D" in a commited relationship. AND THERE is the REAL problem...smh.... The problem with the "D" is the D***head that comes with it. (Then again maybe its just me, a blog post for another day).



LOL the best meme ever!



I have a problem with this image but it works in this situation

 I guess my point is that if I ever encounter some of this neurotic behavior I will just look at the pic and remember why she is acting the way that she is acting.

PS: As I read this back, where it says Django, I read it as Jango (which is the right way) so its like she needs the Jango LOL funny! PSS: Nerd Love is the best love BTW!

It's A Different Dream...

It’s probably the bummed out feelings I have been having lately, but I had interesting dreams last night.  It started with just me thinking about the tv show “A Different World”…oh DeWayne…he and Whitley had such a back and forth crazy relationship, in which, both of them had to grow up and think about how they felt and not just what they thought was the right thing.

 Everything Whitley had been taught growing up was to be with and marry someone who had money and would always have money. DeWayne... rich…not so much. They gave up a lot to be with each other. That was that beautiful  only on TV back in the day kind of  love. 

So as my mind went from careless thoughts of my favorite show to dreams of my favorite show somehow I was Whitley. I mean it was still Jasmine Guy’s face but I felt like I was watching me going through the back n forth’s with  DeWayne.  Seeing myself with other guys but always wanting him and seeing him wanting me…etc etc etc….but why or better yet WTF? What in my current state of somewhat broken heartedness has made my subconscious meet with my fantasy? Or was I dreaming about myself dreaming about myself being Whitley? I already know I do want to be like Whitley and a lot of times if facebook has that doppelganger  week or whatever I use a picture of her not that I look like her but our ideas in life and love are the same at least Whitley’s are (not necessarily Jasmine Guy’s). I am not from the south, but I still hold on to a similar values. I was a debutante, a daddy’s girl, I like money, I like things, I love clothes/shoes, I am fashionable, everything has to be perfect, I suck at math, (which is why I need a DeWayne [he was a math major btw]) I thought I knew what I wanted to be and then I became a teacher instead, and I felt sexual harassed once (a professional  spoke to me on a subject that I felt like wtf are you talking to me about this for and we were alone).  We have all that in common except DeWayne, but I did love him as a child lol. OMG seriously back in the day as a kid watching “A different world” I was into DeWayne Wayne and those dumb a$$ flip glasses.  Now I am not quite sure why and find his sidekick Ron Johnson more attractive, but that is beside the point.  I hate my emotions playing with my head. Everytime I go through  a little something- something my subconscious plays with me. But I guess so, I repress all my feelings. The blog from the other night is not a norm for me. The truth is I want to be seen as a positive person. I also know how important it is to look at the bright side, find the silver- lining and see the light at the end of the tunnel and I did see all the good stuff, which is why the last thing I said to a certain someone was I thought cheery, but we all take things differently…. Anyway, my point is that in being positive sometimes that means I could be ignoring the hurt or pushing the hurt aside, not allowing myself to feel the hurt so then I guess my subconscious is left to fight the hurt.  I guess this is how it does that…. I remember  I was dreaming that I was in this situation:

Now why would I dream about myself being in  that situation when I don't have one man pining over me let alone two...smh...what is more strange is why wasn't I dreaming about the show I last watched which was VERY lovey dovey The Sun Embracing the Moon? Maybe it's because I am not Korean....lol so my subconscious can't dream in Korean...doesn't speak the language lol! And this too shall pass...I really don't mind such dreams though.... :/

전하 (jeonha)- Your Majesty

The Moon Embracing the Sun....OMG! This was one of the best programs I have watched in like ever! A prince to become King and brother denied of his right, they both fall in love with the same girl all the while they are thought to be pawns of unjust political leaders who try to change the order of fate. It was great, but of course it leaves me with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head as I hope for such a happy ending to myself. Is it possible? Sometimes the biological/hormonal/ feminine ways of a woman make us the weakest link. The nurturers that we are make us yearn for a chance at love and a chance to create love. We can grow other humans from love. In this day an age it appears to be difficult to acquire the old school, courting and proposals. It is quite easy to create humans in what we think is love but is really just a moment of heat. As I go through life, a life that has been mostly single or in a situation in which I usually know from the start will lead to a lost of friendship I fear the most nurturing I will do will be in a classroom to my students or the adoption of a child when I am financially stable to do so, but with the same love that came to create me, even though it didn't last is it wrong for me to long for such love, is it wrong of me to believe in love. Most of these recent years as I begin the road to 30 has been spent cursing love, trying to harden my heart to the dangers of love, and when I open up to it I am usually fully aware of its instability.  Dare I have a faith in love. Dare I believe in happy endings...Dare I believe a prince can have his princess or the beauty can love the beast...I am at a place in the middle; my generation boast of divorce, the generations before me boast of heart ache, and the generation coming up is too busy YOLOing to see past the present hour. Which way should I go? I tried to give up, I tried YOLOing and I have tried pretending to be ok with what I presumed to be fate, but just when I think I am done, and image comes into my head...an image of a King, myself as a Queen, sunshine, butterflies, and a beautiful aura surrounding us....Could it be a reality or is my wild imagination? The only way I can find out is to press on through life...and maybe my 전하  (jeonha) the 왕자님(wangjanim) will find me....In the meantime go to www.dramafever.com and watch this show with english subtitles...great show!!! There is super drama in this one geesh! Jeonha  or your majesty is the only korean word I picked up while watching smh...

Wow and I had an answer just like that...

I questioned myself...I have been questioning this one aspect about myself that totally don't really understand. 
If a guy tries to say something to me whether he is tall, short, fat, skinny, cute, ugly, rich, poor, educated or not, I do not give him the time of day, especially if they live in or near Dover. But a guy who is about 570 miles away can steal my heart. Why? Long distance isn't fun. Its not what we want. No one likes being away from someone they like so why choose such a situation. And it finally came to me....

Because a guy in Dover could steal my heart and break it and the chances of seeing him everyday and dealing with the pain are very/extremely high; the guy who is far away can steal it and break it but it doesn't hurt as much because in the back of your mind he wasn't all of yours to begin with so and in his mind you weren't his so overall it is easier to move on/get over. 

Well at least that is the answer I received...maybe I am wrong about this too. I mean if you are in a committed relationship maybe it would be different. Maybe overall I am way to detached from everyone to be heart...maybe it is all superficial....

And then again...I am hurt at times about different things about the distance relationship...I still find myself losing sleep if my chat didn't go so well with my long distance guy, I am still saddened if my long distance guy is not himself...I feel terrible if my long distance guy is sick. And it I get a tad jealous at times....so maybe I don't have the answer yet...but this was a good attempt at figuring it out...smh...