I have terrible audition fright. No, I don't mean stage fright. I literally me audition fright because once I am on stage I am like Beyonce and that whole Sasha Fierce alter ego thing only I don't hide behind an alter ego, I am Dani D. the Princess of Delaware, Daniella the Pink Ranger, Danielita Valasquez or Yaki Keiko Sayuri. (Damn seems like Multi-personality disorder smh) BUT I DIGRESS...I don't audition, when in my heart of hearts, I would love to sing in public because my dog is not the best audience and I would love to act on stage maybe a small role you know, I ain't trying to be the star I just want a little taste of it, but one needs the audition right?
So I am sitting in my room singing I think Etta James and a memory popped in my head. It was the 4th grade talent show, and what I remembered was two boys on stage with Michael Jackson's Remember the Time playing and they were lip syncing and I mean like they weren't singing at all they were literally lip syncing and in my head I saw myself as that fourth grader saying to myself well I wouldn't have lip synced. I also remember some class mates saying it should have been me on stage, but it wasn't and its not because I didn't audition, but obviously because I wasn't chosen. And then it all came back. I remember bringing in my cassette tape player in and I am sure MJJ's Black or White. I was very confident, let us remember for about 9 years as in from birth to that point MJJ was all that I did listen to and all I danced to and I could do all the Michael Jackson dance moves. I was not scared or worried. I might have been a tad nervous, but over all I was like: "I got this!" I got up in front of the class and EVERYONE was like OMG it's Danielle, we KNOW she is doing MICHAEL so this will be GREAT!! I did everything including the moonwalk. But when it was all said and done, the twerp with the magic kit got to do the talent show and I got to sit in the audience. And if that wasn't bad enough it was like a total slap in my face when another teacher chose these two nerd a$$ idiots to be in the show and they looked ridiculous. The one boy lipped the song and the other did uncordinated 1990's dance moves NOT relating to MJJ at all. As I remembered all this I was like:
WAIT A MINUTE!?!?! Is this the audition that would forever keep me from other auditions? Like was it repressed and all this time I have had issues with auditions because my little 4th grade mind couldn't process what had happened? I mean it makes so much sense. I mean it is like that episode of Family Guy when they get Lois' Brother out of the home and Peter says: "Pow right in the kisser" and because of an image from his youth and that very line the dude goes ape S*** killing fat people. I mean I really hadn't thought of that like in ever. SMH... I wondered is this the rejection that ruined my future. I mean look at the rest of my life. I always wanted to showcase myself never took the spot light. And remember that one time that I wrote that poem. I know YOU don't but I do! I wrote a poem that my class thought was awesome and the English teacher though it was garbage and pretty much told me it was crap and what did I do I stopped writing poetry, well I didn't stop completely but I keep it hidden and I don't call myself a poet, I call myself an expressionist. It wasn't until recently that I considered myself to be a Haikuist and I am not confident in it, because that teacher told me my poem sucked. (It was about the red ranger and the NEW thunderzord DAMN you my teacher must have been Rita Repulsa) I didn't repress that though, wish I had of cause damn if I wasn't really jacked (and still am) from that comment. But that 4th grade audition. WOW! I didn't think of it until now.
I really just wish I had the confidence in myself, then I would be just a tad bit more happier. I don't need to be Beyonce, I am Danielita Valasquez (well here lately I have been Sayuri) but I no one knows. They just read the blog (or not) ppl from DHS probably think of me a quiet, studious, and SERIOUS. My Howard folks probably got a better taste of the real me, loud, fun-loving, and ridiculous.
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