How Mariah Carey ruined my 4th of July

Fourth of July

By: Mariah Carey 
Trembling 
starry eyed 
As you put your hand in mine
 
It was twilight  
On the fourth of July 
Sparkling colors were Strewn across the sky 
 And we sat close enough 
 That we just barely touched
  While Roman candles
  Went soaring above us and baby
Then you put your hand in mine 
And we wandered away
  I was trembling inside  
But I wanted to stay, stay  
Pressed against you there 
And leave the world behind 
On that fourth of July

This song is featured on one of Mariah's best albums "Butterfly," which came out when I was an impressionable 14 going on 15 year old. I was awkward and wished that I could be "hot" but was NOT! I dreamed of  boys and boyfriends, but it was a different time and 14 years old weren't so damn grown, ok really I wasn't "grown" and I really wasn't that visible in school. Regardless of my popularity or lack thereof I had this album in heavy rotation. One reason was for the fact that a friend I lost to a move loved MC and the other reason being that this just a damn good record. My fascination with all things mariah began here. Fourth of July is a song not to be released as a single, a hidden secret if you will; being that if you weren't a fan and didn't listen to the album you would have missed out. After hearing this song and envisioning two young people together (me and Marques Houston) on the 4th of July, I thought about being in love, holding hands, watching fireworks, eating cotton candy or icecream together, embraced in each other's arms on the green in Dover...etc etc....lovely right...yeah....

Well...IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I understand the years that I was a "little girl" not allowed to "date" for most of those years, but from 18 until now...the 4th of July has usually been on of the most depressing days for me EVER!!!!!! More than freaking Valentines Day, I guess cause I have gotten a Valentine from my mom since I was a little girl and now as an adult I really try to do as much for my mom and bro not any "love".... I don't know Valentines Day takes a step back cause my BDay is the week before. I think Christmas is my next fave that would be a tad better with a "love" but I do so much for myself and my fam once again the lack of a love interest is no biggie. The 4th of July is nothing more that Fireworks and a moment that the USA acts like we really love our country and the independence that we have here. BUT because of this song, I built it up to be more, I built it up to be a romantic date. I built it into a night where you are with someone and that's the night you know you love them, I built it into so much more...the 4th of July is my Valentines Day. The 4th in my mind is like the night "he proposed". All from one song (which doesn't discuss proposing as it seems to be about two young people on the verge of a first love experience)...but imagination is a "helluva drug."  

 

 So starry eyed   

On the flowery hillside   

Breathless and fervid  

Amid the dandelions  

As it swept over me  

Like the wind trough the trees  

I felt you sigh with a   

Sweet intensity and baby

Then you put your hand in mine 

And we floated away 

Delicately lay entwined  

In an intimate daze 

A crescent moon began to shine 

And I wanted to stay  

Tangled up with you among the fireflies 

On that fourth of July

 

With my imagination taking off and my love life lacking the fourth of july is more like bubbles bursting and not fireworks.  Last year was an argument with the fam, because they don't need fireworks to celebrate. They don't need to be on the green...I need all of that...so I found myself on the green alone, so not only was I without a BF I was without those I care about....I will never forget the 4th I was with a boyfriend in tears because we didn't share the same enthusiasm for the 4th. I wanted to be in his arms he wanted to be home. Ok so what about when there was a new boyfriend...oh it was everything I wanted minus the "love" we had a great time but our relationship was more like being buddies...(no not FBs either!!!!) 

Thunder clouds

       Hung around  

          So threateningly 

              Ominously hovering 

                     And the sky 

                       Opened wide 

                           Showering
                              Then you put your hand in mine 

                                 And we ran from the rain 

                                    Tentatively kissed goodnight

                                       And went our separate ways

                                              And I've never truly felt the way that I Felt the fourth of July

 

So today is the 4th again...I haven't talked to my fam about plans...looks like it will be any other normal day...I am really trying to fake myself into believing such...its just a regular day with fireworks...yeah real regular. I guess I really need to grow out of the idea....I  believe it can happen, but it won't be today....part of me wants to boycott fireworks (just don't go), but the other part of me know how depressed I will be if i don't go....I thought of going on my own...without anyone, but the time between the parade and the "show" and the fireworks is LONG alone OMG!!! I want to have a better outlook and I want to try to keep from having issues this year. SO maybe I will go and take a notebook and write a story about Danielle and Marques (Houston) for old time sakes. BWAHAHAHA! 

 

Take a listen:::: 

 

 

 

Been Putting This Off...

You would think that I would have finished a blog by now discussing all the exciting things that have occur since February, but I can up with excuse after excuse and I don't know why.... This blog was started to go over the situations or fulfilling journeys I learn from or my achievements...I really just didn't know what to say, but since its been a while I can do a time line of events starting with....

1.) Student Teaching
     -In the last blog I was saying something about student teaching killing me...but it was my excitement for Lexington Toy and Comic Con (we will get to that) but student teaching was an awesome experience. First of all I was working under the advisement of the Teacher of the Year for the school. Second with as many doubts that I had about myself as I began and as I continued in student teaching everytime my advisor came to observe my teaching I received positive feedback and scores that said I was doing above average as a beginning. Student teaching was an excellent time for me! Very positive!! 

2.) Lexington Toy and Comic Con YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Such an amazing convention. I am really meeting my goal, I have met Tommy, Zack, Billy of the original 6 MMPR cast. Of the second sort of original MMPR cast, I met: Aiesha and Kat. But then I met other rangers and it was amazing. My Power Ranger goal isn't quite complete and it has become quite addicting. I need to meet Adam (Johnny Yong Bosch) like BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to go to the next morphicon as well!!!!

3.) Temporary Sub...
Yeah that happened, I finished student teaching and they place me in a classroom where a teacher had an accident causing her to be out for the rest of the school year. You know everything happens for a reason. Another very positive getting my feet wet experience. I actually wrote and helped to write Official IEPs. Great stuff I can add to the resume. 

4.) Graduation, Master's  of Special Education...get 'em!!!

5.) Summer School
   Yes I got a  position as a teacher!!!! Doing the teacher thing is slightly difficult but that's just because of stuff like what I am doing right now...staying up late bull jiving...I mean blogging, other nights its KDrama. I love it though! I am sorry it took me so long to find teaching. 


Now you know what the next huddle is...mmmhmmm getting that position for the school year....everything has already fallen into place so I will continue to have faith and believe that everything will continue to fall into place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the beginning...

Earn my master's of special education.... I DID IT!!!! 

Sleepless nights....

Ugh...student teaching is ruining my life...so is Lexington Comic and Toy Con. SMH! 

Ok so those things really aren't but I am still awake for two reasons, I really really really should be reviewing and printing my lesson plans for tomorrows sort of random a$$ informal observation. Obviously I am not doing that. And my mind is so like crazy about Lexington which is like coming up and my facebook friend who are going are talking all about it and the panels and rangers etc etc etc. I am like OMG, system over load over load over load...and it is just a matter of time and I am going to shut down....BUT I can't!!! I can't let my excitement ruin me. AND not only is getting closer to LEX BUT umm yeah LEX is right in the middle of getting closer and closer to the end of Student Teaching.... Graduation in May how about that!!! LOL!!! WOW!!! That is crazy!!! The difference between this graduation and Howard's graduation is I am actually READY to graduated. I was not ready when I graduated from HU. OMG!!! But now I am!!!! VERY MUCH SO!!!! Can you tell I am hype??  EXCITED anxiety is like the worst. I never know how this observations are gonna go...I just thank God that he has be with me through all of this, because I couldn't be doing it on my own. Because I have excelled everytime. Anyway this is just a short not to get some of this stuff off my mind. I need to get this stuff printed and make sure that I have it all together!!! 

IT'S CRUNCH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Repressed Memories: 4th Grade

I have terrible audition fright. No, I don't mean stage fright. I literally me audition fright because once I am on stage I am like Beyonce and that whole Sasha Fierce alter ego thing only I don't hide behind an alter ego, I am Dani D. the Princess of Delaware, Daniella the Pink Ranger, Danielita Valasquez or Yaki Keiko Sayuri. (Damn seems like Multi-personality disorder smh) BUT I DIGRESS...I don't audition, when in my heart of hearts, I would love to sing in public because my dog is not the best audience and I would love to act on stage maybe a small role you know, I ain't trying to be the star I just want a little taste of it, but one needs the audition right?

So I am sitting in my room singing I think Etta James and a memory popped in my head. It was the 4th grade talent show, and what I remembered was two boys on stage with Michael Jackson's Remember the Time playing and they were lip syncing and I mean like they weren't singing at all they were literally lip syncing and in my head I saw myself as that fourth grader saying to myself well I wouldn't have lip synced. I also remember some class mates saying it should have been me on stage, but it wasn't and its not because I didn't audition, but obviously because I wasn't chosen. And then it all came back. I remember bringing in my cassette tape player in and I am sure MJJ's Black or White. I was very confident, let us remember for about 9 years as in from birth to that point MJJ was all that I did listen to and all I danced to and I could do all the Michael Jackson dance moves. I was not scared or worried. I might have been a tad nervous, but over all I was like: "I got this!" I got up in front of the class and EVERYONE was like OMG it's Danielle, we KNOW she is doing MICHAEL so this will be GREAT!! I did everything including the moonwalk. But when it was all said and done, the twerp with the magic kit got to do the talent show and I got to sit in the audience. And if that wasn't bad enough it was like a total slap in my face when another teacher chose these two nerd a$$ idiots to be in the show and they looked ridiculous. The one boy lipped the song and the other did uncordinated 1990's dance moves NOT relating to MJJ at all. As I remembered all this I was like:

WAIT A MINUTE!?!?! Is this the audition that would forever keep me from other auditions? Like was it repressed and all this time I have had issues with auditions because my little 4th grade mind couldn't process what had happened? I mean it makes so much sense. I mean it is like that episode of Family Guy when they get Lois' Brother out of the home and Peter says: "Pow right in the kisser" and because of an image from his youth and that very line the dude goes ape S*** killing fat people.  I mean I really hadn't thought of that like in ever. SMH... I wondered is this the rejection that ruined my future. I mean look at the rest of my life. I always wanted to showcase myself never took the spot light. And remember that one time that I wrote that poem. I know YOU don't but I do! I wrote a poem that my class thought was awesome and the English teacher though it was garbage and pretty much told me it was crap and what did I do I stopped writing poetry, well I didn't stop completely but I keep it hidden and I don't call myself a poet, I call myself an expressionist. It wasn't until recently that I considered myself to be a Haikuist and I am not confident in it, because that teacher told me my poem sucked. (It was about the red ranger and the NEW thunderzord DAMN you my teacher must have been Rita Repulsa) I didn't repress that though, wish I had of cause damn if I wasn't really jacked (and still am) from that comment. But that 4th grade audition. WOW! I didn't think of it until now.

I really just wish I had the confidence in myself, then I would be just a tad bit more happier. I don't need to be Beyonce, I am Danielita Valasquez (well here lately I have been Sayuri) but I no one knows. They just read the blog (or not) ppl from DHS probably think of me a quiet, studious, and SERIOUS. My Howard folks probably got a better taste of the real me, loud, fun-loving, and ridiculous.

Missed chances...

My Korean Baby Daddy

This crossed my mind as I think about the moment I had at WilmU tonight. I'll just say it involved an Asian male in uniform and myself feeling like I was 12 all over again. I made eyes, he made eyes, returned to class and then my brother was finished with class and that was the end. Although in hindsight I know diddly squat about this dude and my infatuation stems from an attraction I have for Asians (since Kindergarten BTW) and overall he could have "noticed" me because I had worked myself up into a school girl frenzy straight out of a Korean Drama. "Oppa!"
  MY POINT IS, if there was more too it we will never know. Let's be hypothetical. What if he was someone I could have started something with now we never know and it reminds me of this other time that I didn't see what could have happened. "Bjong". Yeah I don't know if that his name at all, but that is what it sounded like he said, but he will forever be known as the Filipino from Durham, NC. That was also a situation where he probably was drunk and I was actually cognitive (enough to know that we were dancing in a circle) and overall meeting someone in a club is a no-no for me, but still we never know and now whenever I think about Durham or the Philippines I am like "Bjong" smh. 

I am like Yang Eun-bi (the woman) in so many ways

Ok so let's say that instead of acting like a 12 year old in the food quart of the mall, I actually acted as an adult and introduced myself or vice-versa and it led to something what could that have been? (I guess that is what I asking above) But what I am saying is what could come of it? Chances taken in the past have taught me that taking chances is ignorant and should never take place. Every chance, I don't care if it led to a 4 year relationship or a summer fling, obviously being that I am single now seems to me taking chances have led to "808s and Heartbreak." ( and the saga continues I just haven't commented about it :-/) 

What eases my mind about the "Bjong's" of the world is that I am a BIG believer of "if it is meant to be it will be" and therefore if one day I just so happen to run into the "Bjong" of Durham or the "Bjong" of Wilmington University, Dover Campus Building B then it was meant to be, but being "a little bit more seriouser" obviously nothing was meant to be.... as a matter of fact "Bjong" is not a part of my goal for this year anyway. I am not quite sure when I will be ready for that to be honest. THE CRAZY thing is I be buggin' so much about having a family, getting married, trying to get it done before I turn 40 because now yeah if that happens in the next 10 years I will be lucky. I don't want to become a "Jamona" which is Puerto Rican Slang for a women who never marries. (Yeah that is the one thing I took away from reading a memoir about a Puerto Rican writer, smh.) 

What I have learned in my 29 years(really about 11-12 years being from 18y/o- now) is that relationships are serious business especially if you are going to take them to that ultimate level and so many people either rush into such or think that because she got preggo that marriage has to occur and it jacks up a lot of people and creates a lot of problems. So overall I get sad when I think about failed relationships, more so about the time and actual care put into them, but I quickly get over it simply because I know that with every ounce of me that is ready to settle, be someone's wife and mother, there's a lot of me that's not ready. A lot of me understands some of the consequences of marriage or serious adult relationships that involve money, power and respect for lack of better terms. If I had of understood such ideas a few years ago then I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. And if I had of gotten married back, long ago, before Bey married J, before Kim Kardashian and Ray J called it quits than, I wouldn't be who I am/ about to be today and I like me now a HELLUVA lot better than the me from then.... And although I do love the person I am I still deal with confidence issues as far as being a good woman for a man, but I guess that is called baggage...smh.

What the picture of the cat in a frame tells me...

She needs the Django and the "jango" is silent. SMH.... Someone recently found their way into my life. She and I share some commonalities like being self-proclaimed nerds. Anime, Comics,(Power Rangers) Bookworms...etc. But recently I was told that this person is basically neurotic. In other words this chick has her panties in a bunch, but no one has given her anything to be all razzle dazzled yet. In my pressence I did see some ADD behavior and some comments made me think that she either takes a pill or is in need of one, but one thing helped me realize that what she really needed was the D. A framed picture of a pet cat....smh. Now I don't know the background story for this picture, maybe it was a beloved cat that died. But if its a current pet then it leads me to this post. 

One thing I remember as a kid in 7th through 12th grades are those jokes about teachers/substitutes, oh you know the joke. When the teacher or substitute comes in and is really b*tchy or mean for what seems like no reason. It could be heard whispered throughout the class, "she needs to get a man, She needs to get laid." It's hilarious because I remember being a substitute in a 6th grade class and when I "let them know who's boss" I heard a few, "She must not have a boyfriend." All I could do was laugh and think how wrong we were for saying such things, because I was so not in need of any Django (well I was, but  that wasn't why I was get loud; it was important for the kids to understand that I wasn't a push over). Even though I learned to really dislike the whole, "she's mean, she must not have a man," or "She's not getting any that is why she acts like that," I can say that in my analysis of the situation, this poor lady really probably could use a little Django and if she is a lesbian she may need the... Django (LMAO).  For some people the D is like a cup of tea or taking time to smell the roses. And I just felt a twinge of guilt for making such a post, but damn I am 29,  I am grown, I understand this subject area.  If you are a female and you like boys then you get this subject. (It also has to be good Django otherwise you are still gonna be in a F***ed up mood). And sometimes it really does make a difference in your attitude and the way you treat others. I think it is worst on women ages 25-50. (My mom has accused me of such a problem from time to time and encouraged visits to the BF at that time, I don't think that was the issue at the time because I was in my early 20's, I think I was still trying to find/create myself, of course at the time in my head I was like "How dare she", but I went along with it since she was cosigning such trips). The person in the situation is 39+1, child-less, and husband-less. Us ladies of today's day and age try to act like we are ok with being boyfriend-less, child-less and husband-less when on the inside our heart dies a little everytime one of our friends gets married or pregnant. 

Everytime I see a facebook status that says: "We get to learn the sex of the baby today" or I see a sonagram pic I am like: 

The problem is I am eating cake and crying. (But I have come to realize even though my body is very ready for all of the above it can only handle cake right now). What becomes the issue is deeper than needing the "D."   The issues become, "What if I never meet that someone?" "Today I am 29, I will be 40 in no time." Having babies at 40 is the new trend, and so is autism. (Not to say that age of mothers is what causes autism, but the older you are the greatest chance for having a child with disablities. AND not to say that there is something wrong with disabilities because if you didn't know Spec ED is my thing and I am probably going to adopt a child with disabilites one day.) BTW how did this become about me. I was talking about a nerdy cat lady who is probably going to have a mid life crisis soon if that is not the current issue, because she is so not getting the "D".  The "D" is not my problem. (Even though I am the nerdy dog lady). There is plenty of D to go around, I just prefer to have the "D" in a commited relationship. AND THERE is the REAL problem...smh.... The problem with the "D" is the D***head that comes with it. (Then again maybe its just me, a blog post for another day).



LOL the best meme ever!



I have a problem with this image but it works in this situation

 I guess my point is that if I ever encounter some of this neurotic behavior I will just look at the pic and remember why she is acting the way that she is acting.

PS: As I read this back, where it says Django, I read it as Jango (which is the right way) so its like she needs the Jango LOL funny! PSS: Nerd Love is the best love BTW!

It's A Different Dream...

It’s probably the bummed out feelings I have been having lately, but I had interesting dreams last night.  It started with just me thinking about the tv show “A Different World”…oh DeWayne…he and Whitley had such a back and forth crazy relationship, in which, both of them had to grow up and think about how they felt and not just what they thought was the right thing.

 Everything Whitley had been taught growing up was to be with and marry someone who had money and would always have money. DeWayne... rich…not so much. They gave up a lot to be with each other. That was that beautiful  only on TV back in the day kind of  love. 

So as my mind went from careless thoughts of my favorite show to dreams of my favorite show somehow I was Whitley. I mean it was still Jasmine Guy’s face but I felt like I was watching me going through the back n forth’s with  DeWayne.  Seeing myself with other guys but always wanting him and seeing him wanting me…etc etc etc….but why or better yet WTF? What in my current state of somewhat broken heartedness has made my subconscious meet with my fantasy? Or was I dreaming about myself dreaming about myself being Whitley? I already know I do want to be like Whitley and a lot of times if facebook has that doppelganger  week or whatever I use a picture of her not that I look like her but our ideas in life and love are the same at least Whitley’s are (not necessarily Jasmine Guy’s). I am not from the south, but I still hold on to a similar values. I was a debutante, a daddy’s girl, I like money, I like things, I love clothes/shoes, I am fashionable, everything has to be perfect, I suck at math, (which is why I need a DeWayne [he was a math major btw]) I thought I knew what I wanted to be and then I became a teacher instead, and I felt sexual harassed once (a professional  spoke to me on a subject that I felt like wtf are you talking to me about this for and we were alone).  We have all that in common except DeWayne, but I did love him as a child lol. OMG seriously back in the day as a kid watching “A different world” I was into DeWayne Wayne and those dumb a$$ flip glasses.  Now I am not quite sure why and find his sidekick Ron Johnson more attractive, but that is beside the point.  I hate my emotions playing with my head. Everytime I go through  a little something- something my subconscious plays with me. But I guess so, I repress all my feelings. The blog from the other night is not a norm for me. The truth is I want to be seen as a positive person. I also know how important it is to look at the bright side, find the silver- lining and see the light at the end of the tunnel and I did see all the good stuff, which is why the last thing I said to a certain someone was I thought cheery, but we all take things differently…. Anyway, my point is that in being positive sometimes that means I could be ignoring the hurt or pushing the hurt aside, not allowing myself to feel the hurt so then I guess my subconscious is left to fight the hurt.  I guess this is how it does that…. I remember  I was dreaming that I was in this situation:

Now why would I dream about myself being in  that situation when I don't have one man pining over me let alone two...smh...what is more strange is why wasn't I dreaming about the show I last watched which was VERY lovey dovey The Sun Embracing the Moon? Maybe it's because I am not Korean....lol so my subconscious can't dream in Korean...doesn't speak the language lol! And this too shall pass...I really don't mind such dreams though.... :/

전하 (jeonha)- Your Majesty

The Moon Embracing the Sun....OMG! This was one of the best programs I have watched in like ever! A prince to become King and brother denied of his right, they both fall in love with the same girl all the while they are thought to be pawns of unjust political leaders who try to change the order of fate. It was great, but of course it leaves me with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head as I hope for such a happy ending to myself. Is it possible? Sometimes the biological/hormonal/ feminine ways of a woman make us the weakest link. The nurturers that we are make us yearn for a chance at love and a chance to create love. We can grow other humans from love. In this day an age it appears to be difficult to acquire the old school, courting and proposals. It is quite easy to create humans in what we think is love but is really just a moment of heat. As I go through life, a life that has been mostly single or in a situation in which I usually know from the start will lead to a lost of friendship I fear the most nurturing I will do will be in a classroom to my students or the adoption of a child when I am financially stable to do so, but with the same love that came to create me, even though it didn't last is it wrong for me to long for such love, is it wrong of me to believe in love. Most of these recent years as I begin the road to 30 has been spent cursing love, trying to harden my heart to the dangers of love, and when I open up to it I am usually fully aware of its instability.  Dare I have a faith in love. Dare I believe in happy endings...Dare I believe a prince can have his princess or the beauty can love the beast...I am at a place in the middle; my generation boast of divorce, the generations before me boast of heart ache, and the generation coming up is too busy YOLOing to see past the present hour. Which way should I go? I tried to give up, I tried YOLOing and I have tried pretending to be ok with what I presumed to be fate, but just when I think I am done, and image comes into my head...an image of a King, myself as a Queen, sunshine, butterflies, and a beautiful aura surrounding us....Could it be a reality or is my wild imagination? The only way I can find out is to press on through life...and maybe my 전하  (jeonha) the 왕자님(wangjanim) will find me....In the meantime go to www.dramafever.com and watch this show with english subtitles...great show!!! There is super drama in this one geesh! Jeonha  or your majesty is the only korean word I picked up while watching smh...

Wow and I had an answer just like that...

I questioned myself...I have been questioning this one aspect about myself that totally don't really understand. 
If a guy tries to say something to me whether he is tall, short, fat, skinny, cute, ugly, rich, poor, educated or not, I do not give him the time of day, especially if they live in or near Dover. But a guy who is about 570 miles away can steal my heart. Why? Long distance isn't fun. Its not what we want. No one likes being away from someone they like so why choose such a situation. And it finally came to me....

Because a guy in Dover could steal my heart and break it and the chances of seeing him everyday and dealing with the pain are very/extremely high; the guy who is far away can steal it and break it but it doesn't hurt as much because in the back of your mind he wasn't all of yours to begin with so and in his mind you weren't his so overall it is easier to move on/get over. 

Well at least that is the answer I received...maybe I am wrong about this too. I mean if you are in a committed relationship maybe it would be different. Maybe overall I am way to detached from everyone to be heart...maybe it is all superficial....

And then again...I am hurt at times about different things about the distance relationship...I still find myself losing sleep if my chat didn't go so well with my long distance guy, I am still saddened if my long distance guy is not himself...I feel terrible if my long distance guy is sick. And it I get a tad jealous at times....so maybe I don't have the answer yet...but this was a good attempt at figuring it out...smh...

FML...yeah it's like that today!!!!

If someone seems mad or upset them wouldn't you wonder what it wrong? If they are a friend or family member wouldn't say: Hey, what going on you seem upset? 

NO of course not. In life we general attack the ones we love the most. So when one party is being mean or seem short tempered then those closest are probably getting the brunt of it and then in return instead of trying to help those closest to them just make it worst saying things that just as hurtful. 

Its a circle that just keeps going on and on and NO one takes ownership of their actions. 

Its like I can't trust people in the street to be a true friend and care for me the way I would care for them and I can't trust family to care about my feelings so I just retreat and continue to feel alone. 

Sometimes I feel like overall people don't see me. And I have always felt that no one could see me. I really try to hard to be a good to person to love everyone, enemies, frienemies, family, friends, strangers, I try to love all...

I am very tired of loving and caring only for others to see only the negative....I can't keep doing it....I give me and I lose me... nothing is reciprocated I just get brokenhearted or torn down. 

There isn't really solution, I either retreat to myself more or I harden my heart more....

Several things I don't understand about life: 
1.) why do we need others? 
- you may think you don't but you will drive yourself crazy if you separate yourself from other humans
2.) why do we need love?
-you may think you don't especially when you've never been in love or when love hurts you but people eventually yearn for a companion who loves you and you love them

I mean they have done studies about how people are less depressed when they are in love and when they are social. So clearly we need it, but I don't know if I want it, because I am tired of being hurt. 

I never say FML but I am saying it today...

And I apologize because I always try to be positive I always try to end positively at the end but I don't know what to say, only, I continue to have faith in God, but his so-called children are making me sick!!!

Clearing up the birthday blues before it even starts

So someone says: "few weeks until our birthdays," "DAMN my birthday I forgot!"
And I really wish I had not of been reminded. 29... and I don't have much to show for it...ok Bachelors and Masters great nice sheets of paper to put on my wall...and who can I blame? No one... Its my fault I am not a go getter and have a touch of gutlessness...
BUT HOPEFULLY...
I will meet more of the former power rangers (I mean YES its what I live for at the moment Rangers and Cake you got any???) which will strike a few more goals off the the list....AND HERE...

 ...another thing I wanted to do and although it is short and sweet and probably a verse from a song that anybody can sing, but at least I posted it randomly, I mean I attempted to post it on Facebook, but it didn't work so just when I was about to be like ok never mind I remembered the End of 20's/Before I'm 30 goal list. Posting a video of me singing was one of the goals...maybe I will show more of my vocals later and maybe I won't.... 

 In the HOURS it is taking me to compose this blog (because I was trying to upload the video the "easy way" through Google + but turns out the easy was to plug my phone into the computer and upload it from the computer smh) I came up with what I have to show for it aside from my papers that say this person is smart enough to go through college twice...
all my crap and this is just one closet...shoes in boxes, but what you don't see is the shoe rack on the left and the five other boxes of boots on the right and four pair in the floor...and you can see the left side that is filled with pants...my crap makes me happy (and sad when it is all over the place) and my ties, there are more downstairs in which I was sharing with my brother...I know its an odd thing for a girl to collect and wear but look at how awesome it looks: 

 Also there is this one this mentioned in the Bible, Jesus actually says it: (Get ready cause Jesus had a lot to say about this)

Matthew 6:25-34Amplified Bible (AMP)

²⁵ Therefore I tell you, stop being ^[a]perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?²⁷ And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life?²⁸ And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.²⁹ Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these.³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?³¹ Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?³² For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.³³ But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.³⁴ So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.
^{And the reason I mention this is because I will be kind of broke and I haven't been broke since 2009....in 2010 financially I started doing better than before, I was subbing and library, full-time and library, then even part-time and library, but now I am back to library, because of student teaching. And even though I know I will be alright sometimes it is difficult to keep yourself from worrying about things like lunch for everyday, monthly bills, gas, food expense, etc. The thing is when I was only doing the library gig I was still making it as far the above, and my closet looks like it can carry me through the rest of my time student teaching. (GEESH like the $100 I awe the school so they can give my my piece of paper that says masters) But I will survive as I have survived throughout my life since I was born from "Meconium aspiration syndrome" at birth to an ileostomy to now....and this in 2009:} 

^{Who says I'm not going to have crab legs and a Glass of Moscato this year for 29? You know how I do...Party by my lonesome! SMH!}

^{PS: If this blog doesn't do anything, by the end of it I always end feeling positive....} 

Good Luck Dani While drinking your juice in times square,for colored girls and the last airbender....

So I was thinking about it and I feel like I am just like the character Chuck in Good Luck Chuck, I mean not that I am sleeping with bachelors wanting to be married all willy nilly, but I have noticed that some of the guys I have talked to are now in relationships, and maybe its not an instant gratification as they portray in the movie, but still seems the same, AND there is no telling who the guys may have talked to after me prior to getting a girlfriend, but like I said it still seems the same. But I have seen it happen with just about every guy I have talked to like you know in the developing stages of a relationship then for whatever reason, deployment, college/football, lives 50+ miles away; nothing significant happens, than so many months down the line people are moving in with each other, having babies, taking trips...etc; with the one who wasn't me. What's crazy is I am a very optimistic person so when all these troubling situations occur I am like it can still work, oh you can be in London while I am in the States and it can work or yeah you can work from 3pm-12am and I can work 8am- 3:30 pm and it can work, yeah you can be in Kuwait and it can work, or yeah you can live in random state not close to Delaware and it can work or the best one of all, sure you can be just turning 21still in undergrad when I am already 25 looking at you like "been there done that," it can work out. 
I must be illogical not optimistic, plain old dumb not optimistic. Which is why I haven't talked to anyone for over 2 years, until recently. And it is one of the above situations, and yeah I feel like I am right back at the drawing board, only I am the one saying "It's not you it's me," this time because it is me feeling like I am going down the same road and why? how? Maybe through no fault of my own but through some sort of sub-conscious thing I go after guys/accept guys in my life, who are unavailable, not because they are seeing someone, but because they are involved with life. Hmmm....I do feel that I tend to lose myself in relationships and being in a relationship that's closer than a text or phone call makes me nervous due to a previous "one on one, most of the day, everyday relationship". And if you break down the word relationship, real as in not fake, or an actuality, and ship, a big boat in water, so its a large real boat in water(LOL and quirky begins),  and guess what I can't swim, but I really like water especially the ocean, but I am weary of real boats, so I take canoes. Silly me creating a funny story. And maybe that's it maybe I create so many stories, that the actual "ship" is afraid of meeting such standards (Its like the Titanic). And being serious, maybe it is the optimism that is scary to others. Maybe others already envision failure because they have also be in an "actual ship" which failed and the idea of another one is scary. We humans tend to be afraid of failure and worst we are afraid of what could be successful as well. Many of us haven't seen success, especially in "actual ships." 
It could be the one after me, isn't so intense, isn't so optimistic, isn't so caring, isn't so supportive, doesn't push to get more out of life, isn't ready for 2.5 kids, dog, cat, and pet snake....

Or I am in the "The never ending, don't tell mom, this is not another, teenage mutant, madea's family, dies hard again movie".... and I play "everyone's favorite supportive, you only ever saw as one of the guys, shoulder to cry on, sleep with and act awkward towards two days later when you introduce your fiance, sidekick."  Well you know sometimes they make sequels for that character...damn there I go with the optimism again....here we go: "I still know what you did in New York on Valentine's Day With the return of the Jedi."

It's Only Just Begun....

January 1, 2013...I will be taking one of the last steps in the process of becoming a teacher. I will be student teaching....

Now some out there who may have already did the whole student teaching thing may think that its not that serious, oh but it is. I am nervous. I mean I am so close to having my own classroom and I don't work in the "general" population. I work with students who are "exceptional" usually referred to as Special Ed. Children with disabilities. There are already MANY laws regarding education but in Special Education there is a law spells out every little thing from categorizing their disability to ensuring they will have a transition from high-school to the real world. 

As student teaching approached I had been asking myself "what did I get myself into?" 

I will be trying to learn everything that I possibly can and hope that I don't lose myself in the mix AND I have to be structured to keep myself in check because I am a Queen at bullsh*ting minutes, and hours away smh. (There is some homework involved, lesson plans, journals...etc) 

Under the nervous is excitement. EXCITEMENT to be FINISHED with school. WHEW! 
I am surprised in myself because when I started it I wasn't expecting to be happy about teaching, I wasn't expecting myself to like kids, I really didn't expect to even get started in the program, but as I have stated before somewhere in this blog I know that it has to be God's plan for me because I am getting through it as if I am floating, making GOOD grades all the way through and ALL doors have been open. I have worked with professionals that prior to me working with them I am giving an earful about how they are the worst, "oh she is this", "he is this"...and anyone I have encountered has been AWESOME! People who everyone else said that the people have worked against them have all worked in my favor. First real job that i got as I started my professional career was someone who dogged me in middle school and guess what although I would never consider us friends we worked together and it was fine. It all just let's me know that God is there. Even when I did face adversity with a co-worker, God was there helping me to stay calm and relaxed to just keep going. I am just glad other people could see she was at fault. 

Now I will be a "student intern" and I already know God is there, because my placement was worked out with my principal, the teacher or the year, and my student intern supervisor is the same lady who did my practicum visit and I LOVE HER!! LOL because she made me feel at ease! And remember its GOD, when I did my practicum, I told her I worked in the other classroom and told her my teachers name and she said "OH (insert name here) is my friend!"  That is another link.  

Now my nerves are getting in the way, but I already know favor is over me in this situation as it has been and I know I will be successful. I just gotta work HARD! (you know me and working hard ain't eva been friends)

You v. You...Forgiving YOU!

Let's be real...
It's hard...
What...
Loving yourself...
Sometimes you can look at your life, look at mistakes or what you think are mistakes and you judge yourself...
You think: Damn seriously is that not the third...fourth...fifth...time, have you not learned...
You think: You are so old and where are you now? 
You think: At this point why bother...
Buying, wearing things to feel pretty...to feel handsome...to look put together;
on the outside...
You even trick yourself into believing you are pretty awesome...
Until that moment of silence, that walk outside, when you can hear the arguement that is going on with yourself...
When yourself is calling you out on you idiocracies...
And you want to cry, but you can't let them see;
you sweat...
You let yourself beat yourself up when you are alone...
Just quit while your ahead...
Its not you its...
You...
Just RUNAWAY! 
You can't run from yourself...
Wherever you go...
you go...
Running leads to false contentment...
But you will catch up to you and you will hate you again...
What do they say? 
Only God can judge me? 
Maybe you should tell you, only God can just you...
Maybe you will leave you alone...
Maybe you should remember the past has passed...
Go ahead...
Cry...
Get it out...
Scream...
Call yourself names... 
Wish that you had never been born...
It hurts...
You can' t help that you hurt...
When its all out...
When no more tears can fall from your eyes...
Get yourself to a mirror...
Look at yourself...
Don't get angry at the cry baby face you see...
Look yourself in the eyes...
And apologize...
Say: "I'm sorry, I've hated you, for the same reason haters hate." 
Because underneath it all...
Deep down...
You know you have a purpose...
So apologize to yourself...
Then you should forgive yourself...
God already forgave you...
If God forgave you...
You have got to see that you have to forgive yourself...
And feelings of being less than...
They return at times...
You have to remember that God forgave you...
And you forgave yourself...
So keep going....

***************FIN************
When I am down, I turn to writing...and I through journaling blogging, writing, whatever, I talk myself out being sad or down and hope that someone else can relate and it makes them feel better too....

I will not say Bah-humbug!

Well... here we are on Christmas Eve, unfortunately this is one of very FEW Christmas' where I just don't feel the spirit. 
The spirit of Jesus is with me always, but I am talking about that superficial OMG its Christmas, "Santa's gonna make you mine this Christmas"..."All I want for Christmas is you." 
I guess I mean its not feeling like a Mariah Christmas right now and I am about an hour and twenty minutes away, probably will be closer when I finish. 
Just been a different feeling in the air since September. Don't know why. I pretty much accomplished the goals of 2012 at least for my education. Finished my Praxis Tests and passed, Finished all my required courses, finished the Autism Certification class, 2013 with be all about student teaching graduation and 1st teaching positions. (SAY WHAT!) All of which is VERY exciting.  

Technically there is someone in my life, nothing official, but our next "date" has alot to do with Power Rangers and Lando of Star Wars.  VERY exciting stuff once again in 2013. 

 Don't know why I am so bummed out...I mean I got my mom what she has been asking for...which could go good or bad considering she asked me NOT to get for fear of the cost. Oh well. I have been getting what I want all year, like my wedge sneaker collection, that although I have worn them around town, they are going to be so perfect for my power ranger date (LMAO)! All I need now is that damn COMMUNICATOR...Soon...SOON! 

I could be bummed out from just being old. I am 28 going on 29 and although I still get mistaken for 16-18...my body knows the difference. Maybe my nerves about student teaching are getting me all bummed out.  I really haven't been able to think about anything else. I worry about alot that revolves around student teaching, but at the end of the day I know I must pray about it and give it to God, I know I am worried for no reason because really he has already made a way for me. I am with an awesome teacher, my clinical supervisor is awesome for my practicum, and I know I will be working with a great group of students. Now if only I could make myself a great student teacher/better person in general. 
I don't know... maybe I need to watch a bunch of Christmas themed movies, we watched Christmas Cupid (Ex-mas) today which we had watched before, other than that I have been watching super sentai. SMH....
And maybe the memories of this past weekend are dancing around in my noggin, hmmmm how about all of the above.... 
I tell you what I REFUSE to say Bah Humbug!!!! SO MERRY CHRISTMAS! Life is up and down, I am somewhere between at the moment... actually I have been up for the most part since 2010 :) God is Good! I guess that is the overall message to be remembered during this holiday season!
 

Guided Practice...with God's favor!

Yes, guided practice...its some teach jargon....and I am using it because next semester I embark on my time as a "student teacher" or as they like to say now: "Student Intern."  AND I MUST SAY:

GOD IS GOOD!

Why do I say that? Because He never fails to amaze me of his good works. Put it to you like this, it's not good luck that I have had throughout my journey through grad school; I have had favor. Every piece of the puzzle has been has been put down starting with the edges and filling in as time goes on. Everything from day one. I started with subbing and I made connections immediately within Capital School District, I was given simple advice about starting the master's program at Wilmington University. I took that advice and applied for the program and everything went through (because usually people have sooo much trouble when trying to go to college). I started taking classes and I have maintained a 3.7 GPA throughout. After subbing I applied for a summer school position, and GOT IT! Not only did I get experience in waking up everyday to get to work, but I also took care of some personal demons. (I understand other adults better and why they are all miserable). Summer school was great, I applied for a school year position and GOT IT! My first Full-time with benefits position. And everyday of it was a little bit of Heaven and a lot of bit of Hell. This was just more experience in dealing with people who are miserable and due to that fact mistreat ALL (students and co-workers). For me waking up every morning and so not wanting to be around this person was just another learning experience. It was a wall that I had to climb to get to my next destination. God will give you opportunity, but he will also give you a situation, in which you can do one of two things, forget about His love and mercy and have hatred or remember Him and that no weapon form against you shall prosper. I chose to remember Him and I got through it. All the while going to class and having the right people in my corner such as professors, principals, teachers, and my family. And the love from my students. OMG how I absolutely adore each student I worked with and those who were in other classrooms. I love to hear students say my name. Miss Danielle. Its so cute. And some say it wrong and some say it right but being that I work with students with disabilities hearing them say anything at all is good, seeing a non verbal student respond to my picture is what makes dealing with the miserable people worth it. Moving on I obtained another position during summer school. After summer school something happened that would have made any person, upset, or worried. I didn't get a call back for a position during the school year. I wasn't worried and I wasn't upset, I knew that God had my back because I knew he was carrying me through this journey. I applied for several positions. Including my beloved KCCS. But I didn't get a call for an interview. It was looking like I wasn't going to get a call for an interview. I did however recieved a call from a different school for a different position. The day that I was getting ready from the interview I was standing in the bathroom attempting to do my hair and as I looked at myself I was talking in my head saying: "I really don't want to go to this interview, I really don't want this position." And as usually God, hearing my thoughts knowing my heart sent an answer. I was probably an hour and thirty minutes away from the interview, when I got a phone call from my current employer offering me a position for the school year. Sure it was part-time, but it only made since considering he knew that I would be going into student teaching. I accepted the offer. That was one of those, "He may not come when you call Him, but He's always on time."  And the atmosphere that I am in right now is great. I don't know if I am naive or if I am literally good natured, but I love my job, I love my co-workers, and I love the principals. Maybe I haven't been around long enough or been in proximity long enough to have the same ill feelings for others as others have towards each other, but  as of now I genuinely like everyone. It doesn't stop there though. I tend to have anxiety about my future endeavours. I get nervous. Being a teacher and having responsiblities dealing with children is tough and scary. So as it came to be; student teaching, I was very slow in the process. I mean its like who will be my mentor teacher? Who will be my internship supervisor? Who are the kids? ETC. and God once again made a way for me. First off, my internship supervior is a lady who my practicum observer, and she was so nice. The second part still needs to be set as official but the teacher and classroom that I may be getting...should be awesome.

And all of this is why I feel that I have had favor through out my education and work related experience. God is Good! And after all of this will come graduation and certification and life really doesn't end there and neither does the favor that God has over my life. I am sure more good things are instore for me through God's faithfulness to me and my faithfulness to him. Through EVERYTHING I have been in love! I have been in love with myself, my students, my employer, my co-workers (most of them) and my experience. So maybe after all of this I will also be in love with a significant other.

Stay tuned to find out :)  

Thoughts on singlehood...being numb

Is my life so complicated that I don't know what to blog or is my life so not really complicated that I don't have anything to blog about....
Or is that I know what I want to blog but my words just aren't together yet?
Trying to protect the innocent...
Really the topic should be...Weddings, Weddings everywhere...or Bridesmaid, not even...or Forever Alone....
Not sure....but at some point a few of come to this realization...I am old, I am single, I am cold, this is a dark dark world...and what we usually do is retreat further into of "bat" caves...or we divuluge into our work/school.
I literally work everyday unless there are holidays or breaks in the semester. (perks of working in public and higher education). I also go to class in the evening after work. When would I have time to add a boyfriend really. Not that I wouldn't want to but seriously.
Really this isn't what's on my mind... I am thinking of a friend...singleness is troubling for them. I guess I have become complacent and just don't give a damn that love and lost are irrelevant. I am so caught up in the particulars in order to be with me that I refuse to settle....(just haven't given up hope that there is someONE for me)
It doesn't help that this friend was close to love and lost it all in what seemed to be the same breath.

My opinion is that alot of us, twenty somethings, want to see the world ASAP, we wanted to be ADULTS, YES! We wanted to be on our own and we wanted to make it happen on our own! YES! And we did it for a good 2 years before that became totally F***ing lonely.