Fear's Logic...don't let it hold you back...

I took my flute to the repair shop for new pads and whatever else it needed. Its going to cost me like $100 dollars oh well. Its to participate in Alumni Band for DHS (Dover High School). My mom says to me, I am not trying to be funny or nothing but you should hold the banner. Ok so I suck at my instrument. I always did. Why? Well aside from not being naturally good or talented, Fear. 

Fear can run/ruin your life.  It ruined my flute career. The thing is in order to be good at something like an instrument you have to play and practice. 5th grade when I started playing I practiced here and there, but soon practicing ended for me. Why? Fear Logic. 

Fear Logic is reasoning that is irrational and keeps you from doing something because of this logic. So called Logic from fear. I just made that up by the way. There are these "girl logic" internet memes where it shows the irrational thinking females can have sometimes and the reality is some of it is true. That is where my "fear logic" comes from. 

So my logic from fear said that me playing the flute sounded horrible, so to keep  family from hearing it, thinking I was horrible I just didn't practice. I would practice my flute whenever my mom or dad wasn't home. (I can play in front of my brother tho... weird) But when they got home I would put the flute aside. Now how much time do you think my parents spent away from home, leaving me home alone? Better yet how many times do you think I was home alone and not with my mom? Exactly, so I practiced what... 5 times a year...smh. BUT I was playing WAY more in school at that time...until High School. SMH...at my high school flute career. It was sad. Why? I was in Band Front for 3 of the 4 years I was in High school, I marched with the flag for the most part until concert season, and then again at graduation. I was always in concert band (which to those who don't know it is kind of like remedial for band, ok that is ignorant, ok it is like college prep and symphonic is like honors or AP band) The music we played in Concert wasn't hard in other words. I was very proud to be in concert band though. Very proud even as 2nd to last seat. But I digress, I was 2nd to last because I didn't practice (and that really huge fear of auditioning even in front of Mr. Rinker the band director who I truely loved like a father from 7th-12th grade and to this day. ) It didn't matter. I could not make sound come out in front of him. It was like my anxiety went through the roof probably because like any daughter I wanted him to be proud of me. But there was something I always knew and that was I was no Jesse S. (she was like first seat Symphonic). One year I did practice hard, I wanted to be in symphonic, bad, even if I was last seat, but I got fourth seat concert. Seriously I saw that practice could pay off, and I tried hard the next time but fell further down so whatever. The sound that comes out of my flute is like the squawking that is a seagull. 

But this blog is not to glamorize the fact that I suck at the flute, it is to show that fear gets you NO WHERE. I watched others work their way up to symphonic. It could be because they were good, it could be that auditions where a bunch of bull...either way I know a couple of people who worked VERY hard to get symphonic band, I mean they were practicing all the time. They took fear and nipped in the bud with practice to overcome and I allowed it [fear] to overcome me. I was always playing the second flute part and never first flute. I let that be enough for me. (Flags well that is a different story I can out do a- many at flags, I was very confident in band fronts, I remember auditioning not being nervous at all and I remember watching auditions as a captain helping to choose a co-captain)

I guess many of my blogs have been about fear because I have learned in my old age that fear can no longer keep me from doing things and living my life and making decisions. Fear logic kept me mediocre in band, when I wanted to be better than that. Fear keeps me in Dover, fear keeps me from relationships, fear kept me from driving for about 10 years, fear keeps me from acting, fears keeps me from posting a video of me singing (fear kept me from auditioning for chorus) Fear can't keep doing this to me...fear was about to keep me from writing this post. I was about to be like I am not blogging anything, but I watched Eyeshine 
 I am sure I have had to of mention them before but if not click the link visit their page. They are apart of that bucket list of mine, because the lead singer was a ranger. And for all you anime fans he was Ichigo in Bleach and Vash on another anime; his anime and game voice actor  list is EXTENDED. Anyway his band sends  a POWERFUL message. Never give up. Many of their songs follow this mantra. So I watched the video (you can watch 0-10 on their youtube chanel) immediately after I came up with the definition of Fear Logic but decided not to discuss this idea. Afterwards I was like no I need to blog about fear for the umpteenth time and you know maybe no one is reading. Oh well getting over fear is something that I have to get over ever day. There is a constant battle between my rational logic and my fear logic. Rational logic says: "Dani you can do it, you can be a teacher and you can be a good one"; Fear Logic says: "You should probably take a year off and figure it out." (what is there to figure?) 

According to my definition, Fear Logic would cause this band to quit. They refuse, and it is inspiring. To see everything they have been through, band members come and go, constant rejection, and many road blocks, they push on. Their audience,  usually the kids who are cosplaying anime fans, comic con goers, or Power Ranger Morphiconics (me), the kids who many call weird, strange, nerds and geeks; the kid with Aspergers, the kid with cerebral palsy, the quiet kid, the kid that society has deemed different, the group of kids (and adults) who are just like me, not living because of fear getting them no where; being that their music sends messages heard in songs such as "Cry Call Shout", "Never Gonna Fake it"  and "Let's Play Our Way" I am 100% sure that someone of the "different class" has decided to try again, try harder, keep going, and more importantly, acceptance of self and staying true to that self. 

And if you find that you really aren't into their music listen to Johnny Yong Bosch (the lead singer) and his story of not giving up and getting out of a depression. His story of "I have nothing to lose". His story that tells me that fear can't hold you back...even when others don't believe, you have to believe in yourself. 

Maybe I am not supposed to be good at the flute, because if I was good this wouldn't be a lesson learned to share, but there are other things in my life that need me to practice the skills learned from the lesson...fear can't keep me being the "black quiet different weird geek nerd girl" I am going to be the best "black quiet different weird geek nerd girl" that I can be!!!! 

PS: I love Eyeshine!!!! They are an independent band, they have NO label, they practice and record in garage like so- called regular people. Johnny, Maurice, and Polo put there heart and soul into it and I love them for it!
Check them out!!! 
http://eyeshine.net/News.html
http://www.youtube.com/user/theeyeshineband?feature=CAQQwRs%3D
http://www.facebook.com/eyeshinemusic?ref=ts&fref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/eyeshinefreaks?ref=ts&fref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Yong-Bosch/150406464998582?ref=ts&fref=ts
http://theeyeshineband.tumblr.com/

Standing back up on the water...

Sometimes we focus too much on one thing that we miss something else.
-WAIT-
Sometimes I focus too much on one thing and miss something else. I stress over one minor point and forget to look at the Big Picture. 
 
I am not quite sure why such things occur aside from an adversary keeping off my path leading me away from a promise from God.
 
Fortunately a friend said something to me:

"You need to get through your student teaching and get ready to move on. Find a job or even move out of Delaware. Start your own life, Danielle."
 

Now at the time honestly all the words above looked like:

"akr kark hg edr twsimcs fgls wldofen aidneidn xsz awd vnfsj lk. aedw d ikl eq wdfv fdgh kjh lk wdtrqykp. edghk pomj wqa nvxm Danielle."
 

And I mean what he was saying wasn't even like difficult and its basically just what I have told him I need to do with my present future (if the present can be the future), but the reason I was so caught up and unable to see/comprehend what my friend said, what I said, the big picture, is because I had replaced it with fear, with little minor and or major details that keep me off of the path, example the 2013 school year, I don't need to worry about a future job (yet), I need to worry about getting the student teaching application done. I need to worry about whatever requirements with school that I need to fulfill prior to graduating to get the job.

 So my goal/plan was too get student teaching finished, graduate and try for a summer school spot with my current employer....somehow that got twisted...and I was all over the place. After my friend said what he said and some other things between us ;-) I was kind of like...poker face...no emotion, well I had emotion pouring down my face, because I was going into the whole "woe is me...I am the worst, why did I even start this career path, I can never, I won't (get out of my mom's house), I'm no good, No one will ever...etc etc etc and I refused to say any of that to him, because that is like beating a dead dog, like first of all I'm not, secondly I didn't need him to be all like no you are the best Blah Blah, because I learned from past mistakes and its dumb and he already said I was great and damn it I know I am great. (I wouldn't have gotten this far if I wasn't kind of good at being me), but when I take my eyes off the prize I lose it. Sort of like when Jesus, was walking on water, and one of the disciples, Peter stepped out and took a walk on the water too, but when he saw wind (trouble) he got scared(fear), lost sight of Jesus and fell in the water. He took his eyes off Jesus. 

So how does that relate to my situation...well I know that the path that I am on is the right path because as I started on this journey, substituting, going back for my Master's, and applying for Para Positions, everything fell into place and things felt right for once. Life felt good, because I could see that it was the path that God had for me and that His promise to me would be fulfilled.  (BTW His promise to me is the same promise to you, He just worded it differently when I heard it from Him, but if you need to know what that promise is then please see :Psalm 37:4-5)  It is only now with it all coming to the rising climax of my narrative of life that fear my number one enemy is at my door again, just like in undergrad when it was time for graduation and I lost it (as in my marbles, I struggle with the so called being an adult in the real world) and just like Peter took his eyes off of Jesus,  he fall in the water...and apparently couldn't swim and panicked forgetting Jesus was right there (panic is another lesson).
 
Even though my mind was still wrapped around student teaching, the fear of stuff even futher than that in the future was throwing me off and I was falling in the water and sinking (I can't swim)...luckily my friend said what he said. Crazy thing is I didn't get it until this morning. And when I say I didn't get it I mean like I didn't hear it the way I am telling it now until this morning. The way my friend said it and because I know the context under which we were talking, ( I also know what he said before and after) it is implied that you can't get to the next step without the first step. Really how he said it is in steps go look at it again, he just didn't use transitions like first, then, next.... And that is when it reminded me of the way God works, I can't get to the next step without completing the first step and if I don't get through any steps or if all goes wrong because I stopped following the path set before me by Him (God) then I can't get to the Glory that He has for me. And when I re-read it this morning I got it. My friend didn't say all that, but it was literally like the lightbulb came on, seriously like my room seem to get a little bit brighter and I felt relief. I felt like I was happy to be on my way to my future again. I am getting closer and closer and I can almost taste it at this point. What is it? Funny you should ask, because I don't know exactly I mean I know my wants but its not about what I want it is about the will of the Lord (another lesson for another time), He knows my wants but what is better is He knows my needs and will provide and what He provides because it is divine and rightfully from Him will surpass what I was wanting, and the bible says: 
 
Philippians 4:19
And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
 
and my favorite one says:
 
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

But something that is even better to know comes from this scripture:

Isaiah 41:13
"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."


No fears....just keep walking on the water to Jesus....

PS: Sometimes He puts people in your life to remind you of Him (and they don't even know it)

Change vs. Mold: oh and make me a samich....

Maybe I am just as foolish as the other women of this world but I was thinking to myself something about men and thought of this topic...Change vs. Mold.

Change: "Maybe if I stay with him I will change him" or "He will change eventually."
No he won't. A man is who he is in the beginning and in the end. You can't change him. Or so I have been told. And he won't change eventually so I have witness with my own eyes. If you met him at a bar and he took you on dates at a bar and he goes with his boys to the bar, and when you two have moved in together or ya'll got married the bar will not end, just cause he is so called: "settled-down." If he is quiet one the first date, he'll be quiet when yall divorce due to communication differences. That's just the way it is and it seems like the more you try the more he will resist.

And that is when I thought of the word Mold and maybe this is a long shot and I am just as dumb as the rest of the females out there, but I was thinking a man can be molded into something more of what you want.

Of course when I was thinking of the word mold the example I was thinking about was the idea of being with someone who is not very fit. There are ways to push the idea of fitness without saying "Hey fatty, get of the couch and exercise" or worse, "Have you seen Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson lately, you could bounce a Quarter of his butt damn, oh but I love you fluffy bootie babe." Now if you stress health this could be seen as trying to change...what I would do is put on those sexy yoga pants and cami, and greet him like oh I was going to go for a walk you wanna come with? You in a sexy outfit not gonna work, next level, before he can say "I don't think so" you say "and maybe afterwards we can (whisper the freaky stuff in ear)" if that doesn't work then go for walk or jog comeback when reminded of that freaky stuff (it lingers) then say, "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" If you are fit maybe if he sees you are fit he will get the drift if not then forget about and mold has now become change.
The way he dresses...buy him a couple outfits you want to see him in, before he know it the gross tee shirts will be replaced with what you like. (if he notices though, forget about mold just became change and he will rebel)

Ok so overall my theory is a fail and I have been talking like an idiot for the past 10 minutes. I do think men in some ways can be molded, but the idea here is don't date/marry someone who doesn't add up. If you are a health nut and care about your body don't date Fatty Mcfatson. If he is a womanizer when you start dating him he will continue to be a womanizer.  If you want a man to look a certain way then date the one dress the way you like.  

You know what the issue is right?

The guy who in your mind is your ideal mate looks like:  

And the guy who you get looks like:

 



Or:

SMH....LOL....

But worst is they all treat you like:

 

Ok not all just most....

Confidence...It's the Lord....

A Sunday or two ago, as many of us prayed random prayers during worship, I was asking God to help me with to be confident to do what He says do. But I am not sure if this was the correct thing to say. I feel like I am missing an aspect somewhere; I feel like this prayer should be said differently.

The pastor talked about having faith in God. If you place your faith is something or someone other than God, things will not go accordingly. You really have to check yourself with this sort of thing, for example: Your doctor. Sure he went to school for forever and has all those letters behind his name in which gives him the credibility to tell you that cancer diagnoses or that you are healthy, but he is a man and he is not perfect, so when he leave a tool in you after surgery...my point is you can't have faith in the man but you can have faith in the Lord who will direct the man to help you in your situation according to His, the Lord's will.

So I feel like my Confidence prayer is a faith prayer, but I feel like I have faith in the Lord, but not in myself, but this creates fear which pulls me away from being able to do the things need to get to the next level....And if I have faith in Him then I shouldn't have any trouble's...

Truth is I just get scared about things just as every one....

I need to have faith in Him...period...because overall what I think I can't handle He gives me the strength to handle and He gets me through. This is a faith question and its not about me its about Him and knowing that where he takes me He will get me through. The confidence in myself is the Faith I have in Him....

The Blue Print....

I often speak of my Before 30 Goals, but it has been a while since I have talked about my life goals...so let me tell you my blue print...
Upon finishing this Masters in Spec. Ed. I would like to get a job as a summer school teacher with my beloved KCCS. This will be the a test to see if I can manage such a feat, and yes I am nervous of going to that next step. After that I may apply for a position for the school year or simply substitute for a year. If I were too get the summer school position that would mean for 2 years straight I have worked non-stop at two jobs and for school. Regardless of the fact that I have to teach for 4 years after recieving Teach Grants, I may also need to take time for me, substituting could allow me to take such time and make money. Or I will get a teaching position for the year and just keep going as the song "Working Day and Night" suggests.
 
If I decide to work for the year, than after that I may decide on the move to NC. Raliegh, Durham, Charlotte...not sure...I just might...if this is the case I may have to visit for a month get aquainted with the area...dunno how I would do such as only rich people are alloted such opportunities unless there is a teaching thing I could do. If I were to opted out of the fulltime job and go for subbing, well then I could spend the year in and out of the Carolinas.

That is MY blueprint for just the short-term I mean it is sort of a long-term but I mean I will be a certified teacher by May 2013, summer school follows, I don't have doubts about being a summer school teacher, I don't really have doubts about being landing a full-time job or being a sub...that time-line starts Janurary 2013-Student Teaching, May 2013-Graduate, June 2013-Summer Schoo, August 2013 Teaching or subbing, May 2014 possible move or not...thats like 2 years right? not very long at least not as fast as my life persist on....

But like I said that is MY blueprint...not God's so remembering he is the author writing my life story as it unfolds, it may not go as smoothely as I see it, but I know that all my needs will be meant, and what I am SUPPOSED to do as as opposed to what I want to do will happen as well...overall I am looking forward too...you never know. Two years is enough time to get married and have a baby and a half...smh.

Regardless I'm game!

PS: while I working on that....I will be working on the B4 30 list as well...i will achieve both/all! 

120 lbs and the size 3...

So I go to the doc for a physical, which of course means you get weighed. I expected to be 116 lbs, as I was ALL summer...she puts the thing on 100 then moves the little things to 20...BOOM!!! WTF??? OMG??? Seriously??? Ok now about  a year or two  I wanted 120, but that's because I was at 89lbs...(yeah thats a long story that DOESN'T involve anorexia or Bulimia). Don't get me wrong 120lbs is ok. Its heathly...sorta, I am 120lbs, and its all because I eat cakes....these to be exact:






and I drink this  everyday (without ice). I don't exercise although I have a gym membership. I feel awkward at the gym. I have gotten quite lazy walking the dog and he has gotten lazy too. So my point is that 120lbs is not healthy if you are eating crap. But I have no initiative to change and I really need to because I have a beer belly and no beer. I am 28 and don't want to grow any further, one my height, two health.
A size 3...in juniors for the most part, every now and then I have to either go up or down in sizes, which really pisses me off and sometimes its my body and sometimes its the company's idea of a size three, like skinny i was doing a size 3 until I bought my levi's skinnies...I had to go up because i need my knees to bend. Cheap brands im a 3 usually, when price goes up the size does too at times...and dress pants...the worst...I tried a 3 its too big, I try the 1 its too tight.... What I am is a solid size 2 (ok maybe not solid once again depending on the brand) but this takes me from juniors to misses, but in the average department store size 2 is like looking for a needle a haystack not to be cliche, but I work in a clothing store albeit juniors but I see that the smaller the size the less they have. On the racks they have like two size 2's. By the time I get to it or its on sale (I love a good clearance rack) there are no pants for me. (shirts are getting bad too because my arms are turning fat as is my stomach) I gotta dress like this by March or next August 2013: 
LOL...(but seriously there will be pics if I make it March or August happen)

August 25, 2001-August 25, 2012

August 25, 2001
I was laying the wrong way on the chair in the livingroom. I was actually fast asleep, after staying up late probably talking on the phone. My subconscious heard my mom saying, Aaliyah died, but I couldn't get my sleep deprived body awake, and I could get my mind wrapped around the news. It seemed like a joke considering she had an album out, and was making a music video. When I finally did wake up I heard it all over again this time conscious. I was numb. I wasn't the biggest Aaliyah fan, my favorite song had been One in a Million. Aaliyah wasn't what Beyonce is to me or better yet Mariah. But the idea that someone so young at a point in her career that you knew it was about to be her year, could be dead just like that...hurt. As an adult looking back Aaliyah should have been the one that I appreciated the most. She stayed true to who she was throughout. Showing enough skin to be sexy, being female enough to be girlie, but being rough neck enough to tag along with the guys and to be enpowered. She was gorgeous enough to need NO make up and naturally pretty to use just enough to be glamourous. She was so talented, gifted if you will that she barely had to do much to make an impact on stage or on screen. Her death may have been in God's plan, and only he know the why's, but it is a tragedy of Music, Tv, and Film....
Another Fave...



My favorite scene from Romeo Must Die
 

"Tommy!?!?!" Is it really you?"

Look at my eyes...I wasn't breathing...I was holding the green ranger helmet, next to the green ranger. Green Ranger...GREEN RANGER!!! Jason Frank, Jason David Frank, Jason Fearless Frank, JDF...do you hear me?  Looks like another goal accomplished although it is not one of those professional goals I usually have, it was certainly on the "before 30 bucket list" and I am still 28, HYFR!!! Why is he that important to me well...Tommy and Kimberly....

 

Then this happened...

Pic is from JDF's fan page.

And I was like Dayum... Really Tommy....and then I was like...

Pic is from JDF's fan page

wait he's a born again christian....                                  

So then I said:
"It's morphin time!!!"

And made my way to Otakon 2012, an anime convention, featuring Jason David Frank and made this happen:

 

 So he took my camera, which I actually had no idea what was happening because I clearly  had my arms around him...I was melting on the inside...it was surreal...again I am not sure if I was breathing...so then he said ok "let's be serious"  and he handed the camera to a protege who took the pic below....

And I am looking at the pics like I don't know who is more beautiful...me or him? LOL!!!  Overall we have "GOR-JASE" eyes...yes look again....take another look....you seeing what I'm seeing? I know clearly we could be the best couple ever!! LOL...ok those are delusions of grandeur, but for just a second meeting him  was like....

Next goal and I might be setting this a little high but it is to...

(Video belongs to JDF)

Skydrive...HYFR!!!!!

Resistance

Seems the more I try to dig myself out the deeper I become or so I feel. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day. So funny you work part-time you have all day to do something but not enough money to do what you want. Full-time and you got the money but no time. But I like no time with a full-time job, I just have to learn how to use time wisely. 

I learned in my Applied Behavior Analysis class that when you try to change something's/someone's behavior at first you will see resistance, but you have to keep going. 

Life is resisting. Negativity is trying to surround me as I try to remain positive enough to get out of my house. Otherwise I would be like those you see on Hoarders Buried Alive or the people who ate themselves to 700LBS and are unable to get out of the house. 

With resisting I have to keep working hard so that eventually what resists realizes life, the one I want will happen. I maybe the "thing" or the "one" resisting simply because sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. But what am I supposed to do? I have to take care of my mom, the household, my brother, I have to go to work make sure  everyone there is in order, I have to make sure I am taking care of school and when I get to me, its time to go to bed. right now is not the best for me because clearly I hate myself at the moment. I can't seem to make myself happy. I feel angry but I put on a smile and I hide the inner disdain for this world and myself. 

I mean I have a trip planned that involves meeting my most favorite superhero ever! The most epic (based on time as a ranger and as a leader) I am so for sure that I will get to stand next to the man (I will probably touch him and that make me feel faintish) but I feel so miserable about something that almost seems invisible I haven't been able to wrap my mind around it. I have been talking about it almost everyday since I began to talk about the possibilities of going as it gets closer the more I feel drowned in my unfulfilled self that it almost doesn't matter. (Ok for JDF it matters the very idea that I will be meeting him makes me feel 75% better) 

And maybe I see others and i feel like they must be doing all the things that they want to be doing, but isn't that the front that facebook makes available to us all. 

OK ok  Ok ok ....writing all of this doesn't change the fact, it just let's me make a little room to breath. I can pull myself out of this. I did before (or did I) and I'll do it now.  Clearly I can do all things in Christ!! All I need to do is snap out of it and get it right. I need to pray my anger away because who am I mad at? Me? You? Them? Stress is the #1 thing I hate, anger causes is stress. I will not let anger and stress make me a bitch on top of being depressed. 

One thing I need to do before I go is accept myself for who I am. (very hard to tell just who I am) I don't fit into a category and maybe that is my problem but I need to get over it and handle my unique characteristics that make me...me. I have to be ok with the crazy mess that is Danielle because I can only be me. Anita birthed it and Donald gave his $0.05 so I look like them and sound like them, and occasionally my actions imitate them as well, but who I am the inner being, was created through my unique personal experience, decisions, and mistakes/lessons learned. I have to remember to be ok with that inner being and to keep my head up high and be confident in me. Almost like the saying: "Never let them see you sweat." I don't want to say something and then be countered then respond like I am unsure of myself, that shows a weakness. I don't people to walk away thinking I don't believe in my own believe. I don't want to appear to be on the fence. 

Anyway more nightly walk the dog prayers are needed as well as a little pep in my step...I must remember Rome wasn't built in one day (or so the say)....

I am comfortable enough to post me like this: 

(Side Note: Instagram makes everything look epic) 

It's Daniella the great again....back from Delaware the state again...

LOL...yeah that is a rap I made up back at Howard during my Dipset days. But I am back kind of sorta.... As the random chick in the store said: You don't look good until you get your hair done, you can be completely fixed up, but if your hair ain't done it don't matter." POINT: I got my herr did. I feel like I am BACK. 

Not only did I get it did but I knocked one of my End of 20's bucklist goals out. It wasn't featured on the list as seen on this blog but I have been thinking and talking about cutting my hair for a while and I did it!

WooHoo! Here it is: 

I got it cut...ok not too much but I mean my stylist layered it and did a bunch of stuff I never asked for before in all the years I have been going. The last time I got my haircut was in 2003 and it really wasn't my choice but my hair was so damaged from another situation that it had to be done. Today was my choice. The thought had been there for a while but last night and some of this morning lead me to the decision. I didn't tell my mom because I knew she would say stuff against as she would also say something like but do what you want. I did do what I wanted to do, so maybe I did a little bit of that YOLO stuff too....I would have gone shorter but I wasn't ready...I mean when I do the tighter curls it will look shorter anyway.... Wow I can't believe I YOLOed for myself.

So not only did I get my haircut I am so excited to say that I will be going to an Anime Convention and will hopefully meet Jason David Frank!!! My Power Ranger hero! This is another End of 20's bucket list. 

When I first made up the list with to go to a Con as they are known I never thought that it would happen this year. I worked hard trying to figure out how I was going to make to LA, Orlando, or Baltimore. I really thought we would be going to Anime Festival Orlando, but my mom had total knee replacement surgery and we figured she might not be good to go by then. So the trip was canceled before it was booked. Then a friend of mine from High School AND fellow Howard Alum was like "You know he'll be in Baltimore" and I was like yeah and it took off from there to know the hotel is book and the tickets are pur-chased.  I am stupid excited. I mean I would have loved to go to the Morphicon in Pasadena but not only does it cost too much to get there but JDF canceled his appearance (not that I wouldn't love to see Johnny Yong Bosch who was instance put in JDF's place as guest of honor).

I mean this is as big as the time that I was able to shake Marques Houston's hand back in DC. JDF is classic, legendary, EPIC and best of all, a regular dude aside from the 7th degree black belt and power ranger several times over. 

So let's see: 

1.) Hair

2.) AnimeCon

3.) Meeting JDF

4.) YOLOing

Next up I will need to get tatted, talked about it long enough, It probably won't be that big. What stops me is being unsure. I mean its so cool to get a tat then again tatted bodies are so prevalent why not be different and have untouched skin. Clearly JDF is not the one to look to as he is tatted damn near from head to toe. (he better not ever mess up that pretty face) And my EX from years ago always said: Why mess up a perfectly good...well never mind.  A butterfly with japanese text of some sort would be awesome, but that is still up in the air. Let see there was also flying and jumping out of an airplane takes lots of money (but I could do it with JDF if I had that money LOL) Singing in front of people was also on the list and what is funny is I was about to post a video of myself singing on YouTube for this contest from Eyeshine (the band I have been listening to), but it just wasn't working out, I was trying to get a professional sound from very unprofessional equipment smh. Getting professional pics done has been on my list of things to do for years, but now I am trying to figure out why? Overall I mean I am four things in so can only go up from there right? In the meantime I never did speak of 2012 accomplishments...I mean in one of my blogs I announced how I passed the Elementary Education Praxis. I also mentioned that I would have news about the Special Education Praxis and I passed it as well!!!!!!!! I have NO idea what other goals where on my 2012 list and it doesn't really matter I believe I am making progress in my life....overall I am having fun.

PS: I still need to take myself to dinner. Crab legs and Moscato!!!!   

Rut...

At some point between yesterday and today I realized I am in a RUT. It's one of those ruts that you don't realize you are in until you are neck deep in clothes and shoes.

I was going to write this blog about my current love life or lack thereof. I think this is the first time in my life that I don't have a crush on anybody. Like no man who I literally know is holding my attention at all. I have never been in such situation. (Had crushes since I was six, my first crush was on a third grader lmao) I have been single since 2/2010, which isn't that long and didn't feel that long considering I filled that year with two flings...College Boy and Mi Amor, which were both complicated situations that were entwined at times. Once I got over the latter, I have been crush free, but I did fill that void with what else? Ridiculousness...first Prince Royce, who helped me deal with after affects of having a latin love.
  Oh course he is young and untouchable. He became my latin Marques Houston. Luckily that fell off a little because although I liked his album "Phase II" I didn't like it as much as his first album which means he has lost my attention in so many ways.

s

Jason David Frank, MMA fighter and 7th degree black belt Karate Entrepenuer

I don't know what happened after I drifted away from Prince Royce, but some how 28 year old Dani, made her way back to 10 year old Dani, and I binged on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I told you this is not sex in the city. This is sex in  Angel Grove. It all went down hill when 1.) I found out Nicktoons had PR Dino Thunder in syndication (featuring Dr. O better known as Tommy the Green Ranger) and 2.) A free trial of Netflix which has all the Power Rangers. I have gone absolutely nuts, watching interviews, videos, massive crap on youtube of the power rangers lots of Jason David Frank (Green Ranger) Lots of Johnny Yong Bosch (2nd Black ranger) Love them! They have filled alot of free time. (Please look for future posts about meeting JDF...HYFR!!!)

Johnny Yong Bosch, voice actor for Ichigo of Bleach and live action actor

I have another love though, probably more than JDF, or JYB. My ultimate love and lover. I mean as long as I am Mama Warbucks, this thing loves me so much. I alone have helped the struggling economy....Shopping is my boo. I take care of shopping and shopping takes care of me. It almost doesn't even matter where I do the shopping, as long as I have money I will buy anything. (you mean like that Power Ranger bag with the Megazord on it or the monthly fee for both Netflix ANDClubfitness) Its clothes and shoes that ESPECIALLY make me happy. When I can't make it to a store, Amazon is ALWAYS there to fill that need that itch to pur-chase something. 

And this is what lead me to this particular blog entry. The rut. I am not a hoarder, but damn, I have bought soooooooo much crap between last summer and this summer that my room looks like a clothing store threw up in it. The rut comes from the fact that 1.) I clearly can't stop shopping (only when my bank account says stop) and 2.) I can't seem to be able to put any of it away. Its like I just go to my room sit on the bed, paralyzed then move my attention to MMPR or related movies. I will be going to an Anime Convention (JDF will be there) and so I have been trying to watch every Bleach episode. Aside from my extracurriculars I have been working and going to school. School started the whole situation (Putting the blame on something else) School work comes before everything (for the most part) Sick thing is I have had one full week of no classes, and I have only analyzed MMPR like the show wasn't made for elementary school students and watched all the videos I can on youtube. Did I mention Eyeshine? Oh yeah that is Johnny Yong Bosch's band. Also bought their music and have been listening everyday since June 1. My rut goes further...taken care of myself...not so much....yeah I was supposedly going on a no meat health kick, some how I got fatter, going to the gym, been there once since I signed up in May, and my hair??? My hair??? I have been faking with wet and wavy. I use water, oil and wrapping foam to  have that crinkle look and keep it moving. I probably haven't had my hair done since April or worst March. I don't even need to talk about other things that involve hair. BTW I will have a point in a moment.
My love life clearly doesn't matter to me. I don't work towards making any aspect of my life dateable, (as in "apartment" aka the garage my mom gave me) I don't make me available plus I look to be 15 years old (so not complaining at 28) I just appear to be jail bait.  I am not helping MYSELF....sure I am working hard at my job, and school, prosperous in that aspect, but I am totally whack in other aspects. I need help and that is what I realized...in all of my knowledge that I am clearly in a rut I have not stopped to get on my knees and say: "Hey God, help please." When we are prosperous in one or two areas, like with money, work, grades, it makes it seem like everything is great when really one can still be incomplete. To fill my incompleteness I filled it with what I have always filled it  with fantastical adventures via the Megazord. So tonight I need to bring it back with a good prayer...The line "Jesus Didn't Tap" can no longer be my bread and water, its not enough. Maybe I will get myself out of the ridiculousness save some money and move to a higher position in prosperity opposed to being stuck in one place becoming complacent.

PS: This blogger is called: "This is Not Sex in the City" and I wanted to talk about living in Dover and all that there is not to do here, but i get caught up on other things. It doesn't matter anyway. I will just say that I have been to Fraziers (The Lobby House) more in one month, than ever, because my first time was June.  Retirement Party, then Birthday Party, August will be my high school reunion and it will be there a well...there is my Dover girl moments.

PSS: If I decide to take myself to dinner, for crab legs and a glass of moscato, I'll get back to ya...smh!

Back to Action

The right thing to do would be my homework, I clearly excel at the wrong thing. I wouldn't be able to do my homework anyway. I want to call this week the most horrible week ever but that would be lying. It's far from the worst and closer to the best. It started on a terrible note and I have been falling into a depression ever since. I killed my computer, oh you know the one it was practically BRAND NEW as I purchased it in February. And with the silliest decision I killed it in one DROP. If you haven't realized it yet I am a let's see, I called myself a "Morpher" once, I like to think of it as a Morphicon, but con stands for convention. In an analogy I am to Power Rangers as a trekkie is to Star Trek...get it...it's been stated in previous blogs as well as status updates on facebook. (Yes this ties in to the death of my computer and depression let me get to it). If you know me then you are aware of the fact that everything that I like/love I tend to get fantical about, I can't help it, if I could I would change because my fantasism has cause great pain in my life being that most people do not understand such fanatisim. Well I sort of took myself on a Power Ranger binge (yes I am adult but each of us has something we love to that degree, for some its alcohol) Like everything I took this binge to the next level as I have been finding the work of "EX" rangers (technically none of them are EX rangers because the motto is once a ranger always a ranger {not YOLO}). Getting back on track to the death of what was becoming my cuttie buddy (as I began sleeping with my computer, as in side by side) I found an awesome Thriller/Horror/Martial Arts film with Johnny Yong Bosch a.k.a Adam the second black ranger after  Zack and Karen Ashley a.k.a. Aisha the second yellow ranger after Trini. I found it on Amazon and it was not even a question I bought it and that was that. I watched loved it and wanted to share it with my mom. Not quite sure why I turn to my mother with my fanaticism she hates all that is Power Rangers due to my adoration as a 10 year old, but this was a movie that had nothing to do with such rangers sort of.... We watched the movie and she missed the ending as she falls asleep on most movies. But I kept her awake as I HAD to take it to the next level...next thing I know I am trying to show all these movie trailers and MMA fights with Tommy (green white red black ranger), all the con interviews....basically I started "morphin" or as the Power Rangers say: "Power Up" and a CLEAR poor choice was conceive and my computer fell from its pertch onto the floor cause the screen to do as they say crack. Now at first I was like no problem, it is still viewable on my tv with the HDMI cord. Got through the night with out Morphin, got through the morning without Morphin, took the computer to best buy where the proceeded to tell me that Dell would charge me more to fix the computer than I actually paid for the computer, I walked away with tears in my eyes to price another computer. All hope was not lost being that my pop pop knows many people with many different talents one being fixing computers for a decent price. In the meantime I have to wait, not just on the dude to fix it but also on the money for just in case have to buy a new one. This was all on Saturday....You don't know you are addicted to something until you are hunting for your remote control so that you can look on your DVR to watch a re-run of Power Rangers Dino Thunder, for a hit. At first I was like I can do this cold turkey and then I failed. Last Night I watched Might Morphin Power Rangers The Movie, and Power Rangers Turbo The Movie...AND the movie I showed my mom on that fateful night I killed my computer....

I said all of that to get to this next story:

I needed the computer to break, I realized today that I need to take sometime to pray. I think maybe during my childhood alot of my fanaticism was my way of coping or lack thereof to reality. What is reality? My reality is that I  tend to separate myself from others. My reality is that my main squeeze is my Dog. My reality is that people are mean and will try to hurt you. My reality is that this is literally not "sex in the city." My reality is I haven't been on a date in like two years maybe. My reality is that I'm not getting any younger. My reality is that it will be a few more years before my career is where it should be as far as me becoming a teacher. My reality is I often feel pathetic. My reality is that my mom is not getting any younger, and my old people are slimmer. I have my maternal pop pop and paternal grandma. My aunt and uncles are older. I am becoming the "matriarch" in my household (in so many ways). ETC ETC ETC.... On top of all of this I got my first bad grade of my WHOLE WILM U experience and my current class seems to have left me (I can't focus) and I haven't had the best experience in my first full-time job. So what did I do? The same thing I did when I felt alone when I was 10. As Tommy said to the Dragonzord as he was losing his powers, "One more time, old friend." With the help or should I say Thanks to netflix I watched ALL of ZEO, found out there had been Alien Rangers, and watched Turbo until the last of the Tommy era turned there powers over to a new group of "teenagers". It helped me forget about things or at least made me think of them less. It can be considered a stress reliever.

It was important for my computer to break because sometimes as you run away from what is deemed bad you lose sight of some important things like God. One thing I take away from my Power Ranger abuse is: "Jesus didn't tap." Jason David Frank best known as Tommy is a christian athelete. As a MMA fighter or Mixed Martial Artist, he created the Jesus Didn't Tap line of MMA clothing. In MMA when a fighter is pinned they tap out. In Jesus' fight he did NOT tap out. He continued and rose again.... In all of this I am so glad to have this in the back of my mind and every now and then as I abused the rangers I would say to myself Jesus Didn't Tap....Meaning that through all my struggles I can depend on him. Today in the clarity on my "sober" mind I knew that it was time to pray. I tried to deceive myself. I tried to hide under the covers. I turned my mind off and I put on a Poker Face or to keep with the ranger talk I put on my helmet and stopped paying attention to the fact that there are enemies all around trying to stop my success.

The silly thing is that just as Power Rangers helps me to chill out, it brings back old memories of the past, such as the number of people who think I am silly for liking such a show. The awkward-ness of adolescence and the awkward-ness that is ever so present in my life. It makes me rethink the person I am...it makes me wonder about the person I am becoming. So as many drugs it is just as much a demon as it is a savior.

It all makes me realize that I won't be able to get anywhere without accepting who I am first....a woman, who although smart likes the not so evident things, a woman who's not settling, a woman who has options, a woman who's great no matter what others try to say. I have to like me sometimes that is hard because sometimes I am not sure who me is.... I must trust God's will for my life after all he promise everything would be great.   

PS: Sometimes I forget about the resources closes to me like my little brother, I think that I don't think of him as someone to talk to because he is so much young and we have very separate interest but he and I had a chit chat. He always proves to me that he is fairly wise for his age.  I just hope that I can get a enough strength to get out of this funk.

What My Friend Danielle Taught Me Sophmore Year...

First...yes in college my best friend's name was Danielle. Yes my name is Danielle. Yes we had lots of Double D/twins nicknames.

Now that we understand that I am not talking about being bestfriends with myself (which is a totally different blog in itself) I was just feeling despair. In my last blog I noted somethings that I wanted to do before I turned 30. The number one thing was to go to an anime convention or a power ranger convention. (Hey we all have interesting tidbits in our closets.) So I was looking into a couple on the east coast, one at Baltimore and one in Florida. I looked up prices and hotels and it seems like I either can't afford to go or really its a lack in courage. I don't have a travel partner; that is going on a trip no-no number 1. (Power Rangers should have taught me that, i.e putty attacks on lone ranger in the park more importantly real life should have taught me that i.e. Natalie Hollaway) I also don't have a clue about the Baltimore Surroundings or Olando Surroundings either. If I were to go to Florida it would be my first time on an airplane, which would also take care of another before I am 30 goal.  But as I said before I started to look at prices and directions and hotels, and guests or lack thereof and transportation...etc and I fell into the pit of despair finding that not only has my courage to go fallen, but my positive optimism has also fallen. That's when I thought of a valuable lesson Danielle taught me.
I like to think of it as: Where there's a will there's a way, subtitled: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.
Freshmen year at HU, I expressed my fanaticism for Marques Houston, IMX, and B2K. Danielle has some fanaticism for Omarion, the following year led to her plan: Operation get us to the Baltimore Show. She planned it out all the way, First we would take the metro to the last stop on greenline of the Greenbelt direction which was, Greenbelt, then we would take the BWI bus to BWI, then we would take the MARC train to the Mariner Arena, see the concert, then walk a short distance to Baltimore Greyhound to be dropped off at DC greyhound in which we took a cab back to HU. Me being who I am thought well sounds good to me lets go...go we did, we made it there and back together. It left me feeling like traveling could be easy. Going to a place finding the transportation system and going wherever was possible.
I was proud of Danielle for that day, that experience, she made it happen. My personality doesn't always call for such attitude of "By any means necessary," if it did I certainly would not be sitting her in the bedroom I grew up in writing a blog about going to a convention because I would be the convention. Another secret in my closet is I have always had an interest in voice over work (and acting), but it is not a career highly promoted and being that the introvert of me is pratical, I never think of such. The person that I want to be gets lost in the person who is the introvert, by the way introvert's name is fear. Fear is always a handicap.... Dover, the close knit bubble of a city hasn't helped and my extroverted self displays herself in small pieces that I keep hidden in my the closed space of my bedroom. Even the very thing that I really do love and want to share with the world, what I am doing right now, my words, my writing, my stories, I hold close rarely sharing, only with those who I think I trust in the moment, have the privledge of reading my material. Fear is crippling, fear of failure, fear of mistakes, fear of people who will hurt, fear of actual success....Locked in my own personal jail...I have the key to get out but comfort and fear of the unknown keep me from walking out....

If only I could go back to Fall 2003, and get a little bit of the spirit that led Danielle to finding a way to get us to the show...maybe I would get futher than an Anime Convention, further than the Morphincon, further than flying on an airplane for the first time...maybe I could get to published author, acclaimed voice over actress, and be a teacher (lots of nerves as I near completion of Master's program)

 When will I start living? Or should I accept myself as I have been? We all can't be the beyonce's or in my case the Jason David Frank's (ranger)  or the Johnny Yong Bosch's (ranger/voice over), we all can't be the J.K Rowling's (harry potter fame) or Hellen Keller's Teacher's (special education teacher he taught hellen keller who was blind deaf and mute how to communicate) of the world. Some of us have to be peasants who watch in awe of those who do by any mean's necessary...right?

End of Twenties bucket list...

So if you're my facebook friend then you might have  noticed I have been on a Mighty Morphin Adventure. Some people get it others not so much and that's ok. I am who I am and I can't be anyone that I am not...(always writing poetry).  One thing that I always wanted to do was go to a Morphicon, which is essentially a power ranger convention, geek much? On a recent trip to the bathroom A.K.A the thinking room, I started thinking about this wish and other things I want to do. Bucket list, but I don't plan on dying anytime soon, BUT I will be 30 SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON, so how about an End of Twenty something bucket list. Unfortunately I have what's left of this year and next year to try to complete everything now I better think of things to do....

1.) MMPR/Anime Convention-
I HAVE to go to one....I know, I know, you liked the power rangers when you were like 12 and never looked back, you didn't even know Tommy the green/white ranger was also the red zeo/turbo ranger and came back as Dr. Tommy Oliver in 2004 to work on Power Rangers Dino Thunder as the black ranger, but I did look back and I also found out that there is a whole underworld of MMPR fans, who still adore MMPR like being 12 was just yesterday. This is something I could push away, push out of my mind and ignore, but everytime Haim Saban creates another set of rangers I would feel it I would hear it in my mind. And whenever Jason David Frank's (Tommy) powers fade for good as in death, I would be heartbroken in the fact that I never got to see him in person. (the way I felt when Dick Clark died and I never experienced a Clark New Year in NY)

2.) Singing for real, in front of real people-
Someone: "Do you sing?"
Me: "uh, i try."
My brain: "Yes, sing sing sing."
My stage fright: "don't you might mess up."

The inner struggles of myself. You know it only takes one tramatic experience to ruin all future endeavours. One moment when you didn't know the lyrics to the song Weak, by SWV and was once again dubbed as a non-african american...smh. I am not going to sit here and be like oh yeah I can sing, but I think I have an ok voice. Ok enough that I would sing in front of an audience, why do I continue to say I would do it but I haven't...scaredy cat...duh....as a matter of fact what I would LOVE to do is go to an open mic night, with my flute, play something and sing. I am definitely bad at the flute, but i could practice and sound decent enough. Although my fear of playing that thing in front of people is worst than that of singing in front of people.

3.) Tatted
This one is a hard one to pull off, because I don't know if I want to be so permanant. Eventually chicas without tats will be hard to come by, I would be one of those chicas, yet I feel like a tat is one of those coming to age things that we all must go through. I may be wrong. All I know is I have wanted a tat for at least 4 years now and there is no real reason why I should not get one.

4.) Fly in an airplane-
Yes I am being so sincere when I say I have never been in an airplane...wait I take that back I have been in the back of a C5 on DAFB during an air show or something, but I have never been an in airplane as it is in the sky. Of course if I accomplish number one then I would accomplish #4 as well.

5.) Get professional pictures of myself-
I am not talking about a passport photo...I have always wanted to have pics taken of me either on the beach or against a brick wall somewhere, something where I am looking fierce, something where the lighting is right and the the outfit is right and the hair is right and someone other than myself is taking the picture.

Yeah this list is weak so maybe:

6.) YOLO...lol haha, meaning you only live once so I should live, I should do things. The sad thing is this is the reason I started this blog and I have not YOLOed outside of the freaking mall....smh. YOLOing in the mall is when you buy something over budget and your excuse is YOLO. Other ideas:

               *audition for a play
               *bungee jump
               * move out on my own
Anything else???

SMH at the highlight of this list being to meet MMPR.... I told you This is not sex in the city.....

Meatless week...

So it’s been about a week of being meat free and soda free...

And I am fine…the experience I had a child with the no meat eating thing has helped. I happen to love fish and that is allowed. I did have to make and executive decision to eat turkey, because I was cutting the birds out too, but if I am in a crisis turkey is alright to eat…chicken well I don’t like chick like that….

Some questions have come up, let us remember I love tacos…I mean I FREAKING LOVE TACOS…. My most favorite memories involve tacos…so what do I do about this? Well I found fake ground beef in the fake frozen meat isle…. So I will purchasing some of that soon so I can fill my taco fix…and if that turns out to suck I will have to have chicken in a can…yeah I know I hate chicken but when it comes from a can it’s not so bad, I use to do that too….ah Taco Night the best night….

Other problems that will occur in the future:

Cooking for the fam, I will have to cook separate meals now. They like meat, the worst part is that I like it too but for flavoring like take spaghetti, I have never liked sausage but the flavor in spaghetti and other things is great. So I guess I have to eat around…speaking of sausage what about my beloved Scrapple? As I like to say **** the bulls***… Imma eat scrapple every now and then…it’s not meat anyway its hair and toenails LMAO!!!!

Luckily and Honestly

Soda hasn’t been a problem either, I had stopped drinking root beer for lent anyway so that’s out of my mind, but I do have to literally tell myself do not buy soda when I go to a store for a drink. I was so use to buying a soda, and soda companies makes it hard too because soda is everywhere and there aren’t many options for others. I mean its like: “We serve all coke products, unsweetened tea and we have a special on Absolut vodka.” Like what?? YOU BEST BELIEVE I refuse to drink water from the faucets of Delaware…(my bathroom faucet yes don’t ask I just like it) so the drinks will be tricky and costly, especially since I love slurpees and they are just frozen sodas and lime-aide which are also sodas…smh….

Winning

So this week no meat no soda and I feel great! It’s probably the subtraction of soda that is helping the most….

As for the Gym…I plan on joining but homework has been more important….I have one more week to get through with class and then I can get into the gym, I will only have one class coming up so I will have time to actually go to the gym.

Is this life...the road to healthier living...

I just bought a Gatorade.  A GATORADE!  Seriously, Gatorade is one of those things that I can’t do….its right before water. But I am trying to do better. I am going to revitalize my whole food life. Well almost cause damn if imma give up cakes, anyway I have decided that I will (drum roll please) stop drinking soda!!! OMG SAY WHAT:

 Yeah they are no good, well actually ROOT BEER is great, but it is no good to my body so I am going to let them go. Not like entirely but for the most part wherever  I can substitute one for juice I will. Which is why I ended up with a Grape Gatorade, there were sodas and Snapple and knowing tea could cause a tremendous riot in my stomach I opted for Gatorade thinking it will give me energy or something …it would be almost as good as water for my body.

WAIT not finished on the changes:

I think I am going back to the vegetarian lifestyle. As a kid I never ate meat. I didn’t start getting into meat until I was in college (That’s what she said) But as a kid I had some strange food policies, which was no meat, wiping tomato sauce off pizza and skinning hotdogs.  I think I am going to stop eating red meat, slow my chicken intake which is limited anyway, and my pig intake and replace with fish fish fish. I may even switch my bread to gluten free bread or at least honey wheat.

Still more…

I think im going to join a gym…now this is the one thing that might get shut down. I don’t like the exercise thing, I do like lifting or weight training I did that once and was pleased with the results. Joining a gym would mean I am being serious(er) about this.  

Why?

I have a large stomach for a girl my age without kids. At times  can look preggers and I don’t think it is just fat, I think the foods especially soda and breads leave my stomach distended I feel like 48 instead of 28 sometimes.  I am 112 lbs (estimate) so why do I feel like there is fat around my heart? Why do I feel like there is fat surrounding my lungs? Because I am an obese person living in a skinny person’s body.  The obese person is winning.

This is a good Idea

I wanna feel good, make sure I have a healthy body for the future, and need a flat tummy and a toned body.  Sounds like I will have to spend time on a treadmill for the cardio to get my pulse rate up and my heart and lungs stronger.  I have to do something because I don’t want to be 48 one day, on oxygen.