Resistance

Seems the more I try to dig myself out the deeper I become or so I feel. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day. So funny you work part-time you have all day to do something but not enough money to do what you want. Full-time and you got the money but no time. But I like no time with a full-time job, I just have to learn how to use time wisely. 

I learned in my Applied Behavior Analysis class that when you try to change something's/someone's behavior at first you will see resistance, but you have to keep going. 

Life is resisting. Negativity is trying to surround me as I try to remain positive enough to get out of my house. Otherwise I would be like those you see on Hoarders Buried Alive or the people who ate themselves to 700LBS and are unable to get out of the house. 

With resisting I have to keep working hard so that eventually what resists realizes life, the one I want will happen. I maybe the "thing" or the "one" resisting simply because sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. But what am I supposed to do? I have to take care of my mom, the household, my brother, I have to go to work make sure  everyone there is in order, I have to make sure I am taking care of school and when I get to me, its time to go to bed. right now is not the best for me because clearly I hate myself at the moment. I can't seem to make myself happy. I feel angry but I put on a smile and I hide the inner disdain for this world and myself. 

I mean I have a trip planned that involves meeting my most favorite superhero ever! The most epic (based on time as a ranger and as a leader) I am so for sure that I will get to stand next to the man (I will probably touch him and that make me feel faintish) but I feel so miserable about something that almost seems invisible I haven't been able to wrap my mind around it. I have been talking about it almost everyday since I began to talk about the possibilities of going as it gets closer the more I feel drowned in my unfulfilled self that it almost doesn't matter. (Ok for JDF it matters the very idea that I will be meeting him makes me feel 75% better) 

And maybe I see others and i feel like they must be doing all the things that they want to be doing, but isn't that the front that facebook makes available to us all. 

OK ok  Ok ok ....writing all of this doesn't change the fact, it just let's me make a little room to breath. I can pull myself out of this. I did before (or did I) and I'll do it now.  Clearly I can do all things in Christ!! All I need to do is snap out of it and get it right. I need to pray my anger away because who am I mad at? Me? You? Them? Stress is the #1 thing I hate, anger causes is stress. I will not let anger and stress make me a bitch on top of being depressed. 

One thing I need to do before I go is accept myself for who I am. (very hard to tell just who I am) I don't fit into a category and maybe that is my problem but I need to get over it and handle my unique characteristics that make me...me. I have to be ok with the crazy mess that is Danielle because I can only be me. Anita birthed it and Donald gave his $0.05 so I look like them and sound like them, and occasionally my actions imitate them as well, but who I am the inner being, was created through my unique personal experience, decisions, and mistakes/lessons learned. I have to remember to be ok with that inner being and to keep my head up high and be confident in me. Almost like the saying: "Never let them see you sweat." I don't want to say something and then be countered then respond like I am unsure of myself, that shows a weakness. I don't people to walk away thinking I don't believe in my own believe. I don't want to appear to be on the fence. 

Anyway more nightly walk the dog prayers are needed as well as a little pep in my step...I must remember Rome wasn't built in one day (or so the say)....

I am comfortable enough to post me like this: 

(Side Note: Instagram makes everything look epic)