The right thing to do would be my homework, I clearly excel at the wrong thing. I wouldn't be able to do my homework anyway. I want to call this week the most horrible week ever but that would be lying. It's far from the worst and closer to the best. It started on a terrible note and I have been falling into a depression ever since. I killed my computer, oh you know the one it was practically BRAND NEW as I purchased it in February. And with the silliest decision I killed it in one DROP. If you haven't realized it yet I am a let's see, I called myself a "Morpher" once, I like to think of it as a Morphicon, but con stands for convention. In an analogy I am to Power Rangers as a trekkie is to Star Trek...get it...it's been stated in previous blogs as well as status updates on facebook. (Yes this ties in to the death of my computer and depression let me get to it). If you know me then you are aware of the fact that everything that I like/love I tend to get fantical about, I can't help it, if I could I would change because my fantasism has cause great pain in my life being that most people do not understand such fanatisim. Well I sort of took myself on a Power Ranger binge (yes I am adult but each of us has something we love to that degree, for some its alcohol) Like everything I took this binge to the next level as I have been finding the work of "EX" rangers (technically none of them are EX rangers because the motto is once a ranger always a ranger {not YOLO}). Getting back on track to the death of what was becoming my cuttie buddy (as I began sleeping with my computer, as in side by side) I found an awesome Thriller/Horror/Martial Arts film with Johnny Yong Bosch a.k.a Adam the second black ranger after Zack and Karen Ashley a.k.a. Aisha the second yellow ranger after Trini. I found it on Amazon and it was not even a question I bought it and that was that. I watched loved it and wanted to share it with my mom. Not quite sure why I turn to my mother with my fanaticism she hates all that is Power Rangers due to my adoration as a 10 year old, but this was a movie that had nothing to do with such rangers sort of.... We watched the movie and she missed the ending as she falls asleep on most movies. But I kept her awake as I HAD to take it to the next level...next thing I know I am trying to show all these movie trailers and MMA fights with Tommy (green white red black ranger), all the con interviews....basically I started "morphin" or as the Power Rangers say: "Power Up" and a CLEAR poor choice was conceive and my computer fell from its pertch onto the floor cause the screen to do as they say crack. Now at first I was like no problem, it is still viewable on my tv with the HDMI cord. Got through the night with out Morphin, got through the morning without Morphin, took the computer to best buy where the proceeded to tell me that Dell would charge me more to fix the computer than I actually paid for the computer, I walked away with tears in my eyes to price another computer. All hope was not lost being that my pop pop knows many people with many different talents one being fixing computers for a decent price. In the meantime I have to wait, not just on the dude to fix it but also on the money for just in case have to buy a new one. This was all on Saturday....You don't know you are addicted to something until you are hunting for your remote control so that you can look on your DVR to watch a re-run of Power Rangers Dino Thunder, for a hit. At first I was like I can do this cold turkey and then I failed. Last Night I watched Might Morphin Power Rangers The Movie, and Power Rangers Turbo The Movie...AND the movie I showed my mom on that fateful night I killed my computer....
I said all of that to get to this next story:
I needed the computer to break, I realized today that I need to take sometime to pray. I think maybe during my childhood alot of my fanaticism was my way of coping or lack thereof to reality. What is reality? My reality is that I tend to separate myself from others. My reality is that my main squeeze is my Dog. My reality is that people are mean and will try to hurt you. My reality is that this is literally not "sex in the city." My reality is I haven't been on a date in like two years maybe. My reality is that I'm not getting any younger. My reality is that it will be a few more years before my career is where it should be as far as me becoming a teacher. My reality is I often feel pathetic. My reality is that my mom is not getting any younger, and my old people are slimmer. I have my maternal pop pop and paternal grandma. My aunt and uncles are older. I am becoming the "matriarch" in my household (in so many ways). ETC ETC ETC.... On top of all of this I got my first bad grade of my WHOLE WILM U experience and my current class seems to have left me (I can't focus) and I haven't had the best experience in my first full-time job. So what did I do? The same thing I did when I felt alone when I was 10. As Tommy said to the Dragonzord as he was losing his powers, "One more time, old friend." With the help or should I say Thanks to netflix I watched ALL of ZEO, found out there had been Alien Rangers, and watched Turbo until the last of the Tommy era turned there powers over to a new group of "teenagers". It helped me forget about things or at least made me think of them less. It can be considered a stress reliever.
It was important for my computer to break because sometimes as you run away from what is deemed bad you lose sight of some important things like God. One thing I take away from my Power Ranger abuse is: "Jesus didn't tap." Jason David Frank best known as Tommy is a christian athelete. As a MMA fighter or Mixed Martial Artist, he created the Jesus Didn't Tap line of MMA clothing. In MMA when a fighter is pinned they tap out. In Jesus' fight he did NOT tap out. He continued and rose again.... In all of this I am so glad to have this in the back of my mind and every now and then as I abused the rangers I would say to myself Jesus Didn't Tap....Meaning that through all my struggles I can depend on him. Today in the clarity on my "sober" mind I knew that it was time to pray. I tried to deceive myself. I tried to hide under the covers. I turned my mind off and I put on a Poker Face or to keep with the ranger talk I put on my helmet and stopped paying attention to the fact that there are enemies all around trying to stop my success.
The silly thing is that just as Power Rangers helps me to chill out, it brings back old memories of the past, such as the number of people who think I am silly for liking such a show. The awkward-ness of adolescence and the awkward-ness that is ever so present in my life. It makes me rethink the person I am...it makes me wonder about the person I am becoming. So as many drugs it is just as much a demon as it is a savior.
It all makes me realize that I won't be able to get anywhere without accepting who I am first....a woman, who although smart likes the not so evident things, a woman who's not settling, a woman who has options, a woman who's great no matter what others try to say. I have to like me sometimes that is hard because sometimes I am not sure who me is.... I must trust God's will for my life after all he promise everything would be great.
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