Fear can run/ruin your life. It ruined my flute career. The thing is in order to be good at something like an instrument you have to play and practice. 5th grade when I started playing I practiced here and there, but soon practicing ended for me. Why? Fear Logic.
Fear Logic is reasoning that is irrational and keeps you from doing something because of this logic. So called Logic from fear. I just made that up by the way. There are these "girl logic" internet memes where it shows the irrational thinking females can have sometimes and the reality is some of it is true. That is where my "fear logic" comes from.
So my logic from fear said that me playing the flute sounded horrible, so to keep family from hearing it, thinking I was horrible I just didn't practice. I would practice my flute whenever my mom or dad wasn't home. (I can play in front of my brother tho... weird) But when they got home I would put the flute aside. Now how much time do you think my parents spent away from home, leaving me home alone? Better yet how many times do you think I was home alone and not with my mom? Exactly, so I practiced what... 5 times a year...smh. BUT I was playing WAY more in school at that time...until High School. SMH...at my high school flute career. It was sad. Why? I was in Band Front for 3 of the 4 years I was in High school, I marched with the flag for the most part until concert season, and then again at graduation. I was always in concert band (which to those who don't know it is kind of like remedial for band, ok that is ignorant, ok it is like college prep and symphonic is like honors or AP band) The music we played in Concert wasn't hard in other words. I was very proud to be in concert band though. Very proud even as 2nd to last seat. But I digress, I was 2nd to last because I didn't practice (and that really huge fear of auditioning even in front of Mr. Rinker the band director who I truely loved like a father from 7th-12th grade and to this day. ) It didn't matter. I could not make sound come out in front of him. It was like my anxiety went through the roof probably because like any daughter I wanted him to be proud of me. But there was something I always knew and that was I was no Jesse S. (she was like first seat Symphonic). One year I did practice hard, I wanted to be in symphonic, bad, even if I was last seat, but I got fourth seat concert. Seriously I saw that practice could pay off, and I tried hard the next time but fell further down so whatever. The sound that comes out of my flute is like the squawking that is a seagull.
But this blog is not to glamorize the fact that I suck at the flute, it is to show that fear gets you NO WHERE. I watched others work their way up to symphonic. It could be because they were good, it could be that auditions where a bunch of bull...either way I know a couple of people who worked VERY hard to get symphonic band, I mean they were practicing all the time. They took fear and nipped in the bud with practice to overcome and I allowed it [fear] to overcome me. I was always playing the second flute part and never first flute. I let that be enough for me. (Flags well that is a different story I can out do a- many at flags, I was very confident in band fronts, I remember auditioning not being nervous at all and I remember watching auditions as a captain helping to choose a co-captain)
I guess many of my blogs have been about fear because I have learned in my old age that fear can no longer keep me from doing things and living my life and making decisions. Fear logic kept me mediocre in band, when I wanted to be better than that. Fear keeps me in Dover, fear keeps me from relationships, fear kept me from driving for about 10 years, fear keeps me from acting, fears keeps me from posting a video of me singing (fear kept me from auditioning for chorus) Fear can't keep doing this to me...fear was about to keep me from writing this post. I was about to be like I am not blogging anything, but I watched Eyeshine
I am sure I have had to of mention them before but if not click the link visit their page. They are apart of that bucket list of mine, because the lead singer was a ranger. And for all you anime fans he was Ichigo in Bleach and Vash on another anime; his anime and game voice actor list is EXTENDED. Anyway his band sends a POWERFUL message. Never give up. Many of their songs follow this mantra. So I watched the video (you can watch 0-10 on their youtube chanel) immediately after I came up with the definition of Fear Logic but decided not to discuss this idea. Afterwards I was like no I need to blog about fear for the umpteenth time and you know maybe no one is reading. Oh well getting over fear is something that I have to get over ever day. There is a constant battle between my rational logic and my fear logic. Rational logic says: "Dani you can do it, you can be a teacher and you can be a good one"; Fear Logic says: "You should probably take a year off and figure it out." (what is there to figure?)
According to my definition, Fear Logic would cause this band to quit. They refuse, and it is inspiring. To see everything they have been through, band members come and go, constant rejection, and many road blocks, they push on. Their audience, usually the kids who are cosplaying anime fans, comic con goers, or Power Ranger Morphiconics (me), the kids who many call weird, strange, nerds and geeks; the kid with Aspergers, the kid with cerebral palsy, the quiet kid, the kid that society has deemed different, the group of kids (and adults) who are just like me, not living because of fear getting them no where; being that their music sends messages heard in songs such as "Cry Call Shout", "Never Gonna Fake it" and "Let's Play Our Way" I am 100% sure that someone of the "different class" has decided to try again, try harder, keep going, and more importantly, acceptance of self and staying true to that self.
Maybe I am not supposed to be good at the flute, because if I was good this wouldn't be a lesson learned to share, but there are other things in my life that need me to practice the skills learned from the lesson...fear can't keep me being the "black quiet different weird geek nerd girl" I am going to be the best "black quiet different weird geek nerd girl" that I can be!!!!
PS: I love Eyeshine!!!! They are an independent band, they have NO label, they practice and record in garage like so- called regular people. Johnny, Maurice, and Polo put there heart and soul into it and I love them for it!
Check them out!!!
http://eyeshine.net/News.html
http://www.youtube.com/user/theeyeshineband?feature=CAQQwRs%3D
http://www.facebook.com/eyeshinemusic?ref=ts&fref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/eyeshinefreaks?ref=ts&fref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Yong-Bosch/150406464998582?ref=ts&fref=ts
http://theeyeshineband.tumblr.com/
Beautifully written! I myself have experienced fear logic. I had it drilled into me as a kid (bullying). I'm learning to get past it and start doing what I really want to do (well, when I figure it out, anyway!). Eyeshine has been a big part of that. ♥
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