Ironically I started a KDrama blog...

I have indulged in KDrama (Korean Soap Operas) . I was certain that it was the best thing since sliced bread and you know what I still think they are pretty cool, but...after watching the Mischievous Kiss: Love in Tokyo (Japanese Drama) I and feeling like I don't need to continue watching. Soap Operas/Romances/Romance Novels have the same on going theme, there is a girl who loves a boy, the boy doesn't give her the time of day and after a series of ridiculous situation the boy finds that he is madly in love with the girl and they marry. THE END (Or it can be a boy who is in love with the girl who is oblivious)
First lets understand me...I am not one for the Romance Genre, I think it is BULL, a load of crap! And that is quite hilarious since once upon a time I use to write romance. (what is now known as fan fiction) The problem I had with them is the emotion that comes with watching, the happiness, the anger, the sad the suspense. I really don't deal with suspense well at all. Oh you know when the evil mom has the girl kidnapped and we are waiting for the hero(s) to came and save her and its like the clock is ticking and just before it gets to 1 here they are to save the day. I just don't like suspense like that....
But then I found Korean Dramas, and I found Flower Boy Ramen Shop...a Romantic Comedy. I could relate to the character because she was becoming a school teacher, BUT she ends up having issues with one of the male students who also happens to be the son of the president of one of the biggest companies in Korea. Cha Chi Soo and his arrogance to go with his dramatic effect/charisma was sooo awesome!  I found myself watching and watching. Through a twists and turns the "student intern" and the rich Cha Chi Soo fall in love only to be told by the rich Cha enterprise president that they should be together, they didn't listen and the girl gets the boy and vice versa.
I needed MORE of Cha Chi Soo so I found another drama with Il Jung Woo and watched it, The Moon Embraces the Sun, and that one was awesome same theme, but historical romance drama with everything from a dead would be princess to a returned back to life would be princess, who was in love with the heir to the throne and long story short becomes wife to the king...happy ending. Then Answer Me 1997, this time I got away from Il Jung Woo, and watched from a suggestion. Then 49 Days, When a Man Loves, BOYS OVER FLOWERS (EPIC) and finally I just finished Mischievous Kiss and it is was at this point that I found myself to be over the Drama.
Maybe its because I didn't get a chance to watch it everyday, for hours at a time because they were being uploaded each week or maybe the ending was just too perfect I am not sure, but it made me a little upset.
Overall its probably my own wants and needs interfering with the fantasy aspect of the shows. Or maybe it is just the idea that nothing not even love comes easy. Because for 15 episodes homegirl loved dude even when dude was cold and about to marry someone else, and then on episode 16 all of a sudden like a bolt of lighting the boy admits to loving the girl and a marriage ensues.
The probablem I have is from experience I don't care how much you love a person if it doesn't happen it won't and if its not supposed to happen then it won't. In American Romance we would have made the girl who loves the one guy get with the the other guy while the guy she loves marries the other girl and then bring the two back together to have an affair. But then that is the difference between American Drama and K/J Drama. Our shows almost never stop after one season. Theirs stop at episode 16 or 20 and it ends. There is a plan clear cut ending and someone always gets what they wanted from the beginning.
As much as I love the Asian in me from a past life I don't want to lose my edge by watching dramas that are cookie cutter.   

I've Come Down with Bad Case of Yellow Fever...and its OK!

I love black men, I love white men, I love Spanish men, AND I love Asian men…

What’s wrong with loving our Asian brothers? Yea…. I’m not sure, but I do know that for whatever reason albeit discrimination, racism, or misconceptions; black and Asian love has been taboo.  Even with this taboo recently I have seen and used #yellowfever quite a bit recently.  

#yellowfever 

According to urban dictionary: “When non-Asian guys have a strong preference or fetish for women of Asian descent. These men exclusively date Asian women. They also learn an Asian language and travel to Asian countries, attempting to find a wife. Like the real disease, there is no cure.” 

  LOL!!!!!! Urban Dictionary is hilarious and even though it only refers to men let me just say I know how to say Hello in Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Thai,  and Tagalog (Filipino). I am teaching myself Korean including Hangul to the best of my ability.
 

Taboo, K Drama and Admitting the Problem (Is it really a problem though?)

"Look mom Chinese people." Yeah I've said that a few times as a child. But in Dover, Delaware back in the late 80's early 90's you just didn't see Asian people like that around here. Or maybe I was just sheltered. I remember there was a little Filipino boy that lived down the street, but at the time he was just Jon. Then my first crush looked like:

Needless to say he was black and Asian. From there I put my love for the "chinky" eye aside. Not just because there weren't many to choose from, but from what we get taught as we get older, like the main assumption: "Asians don't like blacks." The movie Menace II Society took that to a crazy level.
 Then there are all the other assumptions that fall into place in misguided people like: "Asians are nerds." "Asian men have small penises." Then there are the ones I have come up with on my own like: "Asian dude doesn't like black girls." "Ok he does like black girls but I am not "black enough."" Or maybe: "Since he was the top of his Doctoral class and is now an engineer, doctor, scientist, professor of some smart people stuff why would he be interested in me." The worst one is: "They are communist." (Damn communist tho?)

THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET...(even tho I also found the crazy mess smh)

...which has taught me most of our (and my) assumptions are wrong. Its not that Asians don't like blacks it just that like any other race they are fed the same stereotypical/generalized BULL that others are fed and have come up with their own assumptions. PLUS traditions from the "motherland." Its also a matter of differences. Just as I did as a child there had to have been an Asian kid who said: "Look mom, black people." ( Please read ridiculousness here Why do Asian People Love White People but hate Black People?) Also: http://www.brittneyhood.com/kenneth-eng-why-i-hate-blacks/
http://askakorean.blogspot.com/2007/03/cant-we-all-just-get-along.html
Believe it or not, all Asians are not nerds. Well... it seems that basically they are pushed to be the best academically and they are into some things that one can identify as nerd -ish, but lately the "nerd" aspect slowly goes away as they grow (just as we all grow) once they go out and see the world and learn more about themselves. Like I said we all make that pilgrimage.
Small Pee Pee's huh? Who started this rumor? I want to know who started the small penis thing. I feel like this rumor alone has cockblocked a- many -a Asian man. Ok so I averaged it out between 5 different Asian countries and scientifically/mathematically this could be true. SMH... The average of the five different countries was 4.2 inches and I don't know if this is while flacid or erect. If while erect than...all I can say is the average size in the USA is 5.1 so I mean.... BUT at any rate the internet/instagram taught me that the penis stuff is all a myth and you may be pleasantly surprised.... just like I was surprised to find a Chinese dude in Kentucky who was ok with dating black, white... ETC...(I happen to believe Chinese are the most "conservative" so this was new to me).
Regardless of any race I date, I worry that I am not "black enough" and that includes skin pigmentation and let's face it, an Asian dude recently told me he thought I was Asian and lets not forget all the Spanish guys who think that I am Spanish. SMH.... In those cases... Hola...Nihao! LOL!!! I also worry about things like hair differences and some cultural differences. (Like remember to take off my shoes)
  The last two scenarios, well one is from my own insecurities (of not being smart enough even though I work really hard to try to learn alot all the time, just not to be a doctor) and the other is from reading books based on the 1930's-1960's. I really shouldn't worry about communism but its one of the scary words the government has taught Americans to be afraid of....

 Like I said the internet has helped with all my misconceptions, but I wouldn't have even done the research if it hadn't of been for K. Drama. Yes Korean Drama. It got me. Like all the way. (and kpop) 

And with it I was finally able to say: "Hey he's hot!" And not feel "a way". 

Jonathan Stanton like YASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

 Then I found out there were others just like me, as in other black girls who loved Asian guys. That really made me feel like, oh wow I am not alone!

AND LET ME BE REAL:

Let's not front and act like black folks don't have a position on this situation because in all honesty as the Black girl in the situation I am the one getting the flack about it from my peers. Like when I showed a friend a pic of an Asian dude I found attractive; her response: "How do you find that attractive?" or others turning their nose up. Even though black men seem to love Asian women, I find some black dudes  jeer a little about black girls and Asian guys like: "why would you be with him, what can he do for you?" I actually had a guy act as if he had nothing to worry about when it came to an Asian guy and him because he thought HE was so much more good looking than the an Asian guy. HA! SMH... as if the Asian guy was not or could not be attractive to me. (That was just dumb.)

"We are all people, why limit yourself?"

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
And can we not look at these couples like there is something wrong... I thought that most of us were over the interracial dating thing. As many cream babies that are in the schools I really thought interracial dating wasn't such a big deal and the way people LOVE "blasian" babies, BUT the memes on Instagram tell me other wise...there is a whole, as I like to call it "underworld" of Black girls who love Asian men AND Asian men who LOVE black girls...
One day maybe we will stop being caught up on dumb stuff, maybe one day we will have open hearts, maybe one day we will open ourselves to learning about one another and maybe I am just a dreamer. At the end of the day whether a black man sweeps me off my feet or a polka dotted man I just KNOW he better treat me like I ought to be treated and love me as I should be loved and in return I'll love him in the way he needs to be loved.... (another blog for another day).... 

PS: It seems that "yellow fever" is a term really frowned upon. I don't agree with fetishizing a race or any other things. I don't fetishize Asians I simply find Asian men attractive. 

Girl Next Door...She's not that bad....

I have been duped...by the media. I thought I wasn't one of those people but I am. They got me. I have been thinking that I am supposed to look like a M.A.C make up artist lives in my house to do my make up everyday and as if  my genes DON'T carry a belly fat trait. I also need long hair and also short hair, that is blonde or brown or black or pink; hazel, blue and sometimes purple eyes; perfectly round, plump lips, and behind. Also boobs, cleavage must perfect, they must be perky, nipples should be even, 34 D...etc.  And the images come at me from everywhere, its not just oh she's blonde and beautiful, actually now days the so beauty is someone who is racially ambiguous. We all seem to have the same skin tone lately.We all seem to be naturally thin as well.
 Oh the Months I spent staring at this one pic thinking, "If that is what he likes why is he into me, I am not her." And, "How can I attain what ever it is that she (Christina Milian) has?" And then look at Bad Girl RiRi... and of course BEY....she seems to be a- many a- man's dream.... Now I know what you are saying BUT Princess DD of DE, you are way involved in your "nerd" world and that can't be showing too much of the same things that the media shows.... I mean.....

 

Comic Cons/Anime Cons both have ridiculous amounts of skin and are sexual in nature as well. Apparently we like our female superheros showing skin and cosplayers probably cause many boners throughout the day at a con. LOL!!!

Well Princess DD you are way into KDrama and KPop it can't be the same overseas can it???

Its much worst actually as the Koreans are super into their skin care and skin products, the girls are gorgeous as they are "exotic" and WAY skinny... the boys are prettier than the girls. So now I am feeling intimidated as well...

Speaking of intimidation.... because for whatever reason men (and woman) are living in gyms and guys are looking like:

Leaving me to feel like with my flab I am so not worthy....

                             BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have two male friends who helped me realize that I am awesome as myself "Princess DD of DE" and that I don't have to be all of the above. First, the best compliment I have ever received in my life paraphrased: Independently I am happy/ able to be happy without the influence of another person. Something about that made me feel awesome, I guess because one of my fears is that the next time I am in a relationship I will lose myself in that person instead of having a balance of me and them. This same friend said that I was "one of a kind." I live to be unique so I guess I am doing something right.
 These were both comments made after only a brief time together, which is amazing because I have never really known what other people see in me upon meeting me. At least I gave this particular guy the right vibes. Well I do believe that I was COMPLETELY myself with this person, I was actually really comfortable with them...hmmm.... anyway (no time to day dream I spend way too much time doing that anyway) another friend of mine explained to me that I had the beauty (and I suppose personality) as the girl next door. It's kind of funny be he is the Sam to my Clarissa (wow that is a throwback but explains it so well) he said in so many words that he has gotten tired of all the girls that look "airbrushed" (for lack of a better word in an ironic twist). I was venting to him about how I've never understood my face. I have never understood why I look the way that I look. I don't think that I am ugly (at least not the way I did as a kid) but I know I am not Beyonce (even if people say so). He said that the appeal of my look is that I am like the girl next door...as in I am that "around the way girl". I am a type of beauty that although regular, a breath of fresh air in the world that gives us so many girls who are made up and over all fake. I guess I should take the fact that so many people say that I look anywhere between 16 and 22 years old into consideration LOL!! Too many times I have been confused by school faculty to be a student. I don't wear make-up as in foundation and the whole nine yards. (I wear eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow on special occasions, lipstick everyday) so when I am natural I look like: 

My friend said: Love the skin you're in.  That is a life long journey, but I am glad to have such encouraging friends to help me see my worth even though I am not like those mentioned above, over all there is something (legitimate) about me that is attractive and I need to remember to allow her to shine.

I Can't With #natural

7 months natural I look good

Fresh relaxer I look good

For about 7 months or so I was relaxer free. Now the last post I talked about how great it was going and it was...I was getting the results I wanted after washing my hair unfortunately the results didn't last and there were other factors I had to consider. 

 

1.) My Job- working with kids with disabilities requires me to get in an indoor heated pool. This is apart of their therapy. So even as a sub I swim every now and then with the kiddos. Even when I don't swim I still have to go in the pool room to help them change. When my hair gets in that room with all that hot humid air it coils up, and after straightening my hair with all that heat I don't want to have straighten it all over again.  

2.) The Summer- Even though we seem to be in a long winter, summer will emerge eventually and when it does, I will sweat and when I sweat my hair will coil up once again. Now nothing against afros or natural hair, its just that I wanted to do this and still wear my hair straightened. I like straightened hair. I also like wearing my hair crinkled or curly but as my hair started growing out I found that my edges had a different texture than what was in the middle. With that realization of the combination of sweat, heat and natural hair that summer will bring, I am sorry I can't. I am lazy. I am not going to want to do anything with hair that is thick and for me unmanageable. 

3.) Self Consciousness- Ok so since I was about 8 or 9 years old, I have gotten a relaxer. Its been so long since I have been in touch with my natural hair. Recently I really didn't know how to handle it. I missed the care free living I had with having a relaxer. 

Now many ladies who go natural are like you can do it, you can do it, just get some braids or get a full weave. One thing that I have loved about me is the fact that in my 30 years of life I have used weave about 5 times. Its not my thing. I can't pay $20-$220 for hair and then the labor of someone doing my hair in a hairstyle that I will want to get rid of in 2 weeks.  There are other scenarios I am not gonna mention I will just say that being "relaxed" is a positive in those situations.

Now please understand I am not hating on any person who chooses to have natural hair or weaves. As we use to say at Howard University, "Do you Boo." I encourage my mother to continue on her route on the natural road. Her hair and texture are nice. Her hair can handle natural. Her hair is so pretty as she gets it straightened or when she puts in the rods and comes out with curls. It works for her, but for me not so much. 

If my edges weren't such a hot mess I would embrace natural. I like the texture in the middle its wavy, it feels nice it looks night, my edges, they don't look nice, I don't look put together. 

ALSO!!!! PLEASE NO AND UNDERSTAND I AM IN NO WAY HATING ON MY AFROCENTRICITIES!!!! I am a black woman, I know it! But since Madame CJ Walker made chemicals to make my hair manageable and in a way that I prefer then Leggo!!!  

Just personal feeling. People who can handle the natural are beautiful keep it up your gorgeous, but I gotta do me! 

Why did I do this again? Natural Hair...That I don't wear natural....

I'm not sure what happened,  but this summer something must have hit me upside the head.

The truth is I must have gone through some sort of depression as I knew my time as a teacher of some of the best kids was just about over and I didn't know what, if any opportunity would come up in the future. I mean that's the only thing I can think caused me to be the person I was and could still be as I'm not sure if I'm truly out of it.

Anyway in the midst of all this I let my hair go. What do I mean??? I stopped getting a relaxer. I just started doing my own hair. Its been about 6 months. Now I didn't do the big chop (which is dangerous as the relaxed hair on the ends is weak and will break) but my roots are completely "natural". When I first wash my hair and see my edges curl up I'm just like: why??? My hair texture is amazing.... amazing in the fact that I don't understand how it can be the way it is sometimes. My edges can be compared to the Jackson 5's Afro. I mean straight up motherland type, but underneath it all waves. Waves and waves. I wish I had one texture preferably the waves as they are easier to manage. 

The reason I have continued without using a relaxer is because my hair still comes out looking like: 

The only thing that has troubled me was recently I found that humidity apparently causes my hair to um "re-coil". This could be a problem this summer, well it is already a problem because for my job I swim in a heated pool, heat and water equal humidity and re-coiling. 

Will I go back? I don't know. Maybe...Maybe not.... depends on if I want to keep having to take the time to work on my head. The thickness is difficult but I get through it.  I don't think it is any healthier than what it was with chemicals. 

I do know that I prefer my hair straight. I didn't do this because I wanted to be natural and sport a fro or locked hair. I did this to prove to myself that I could. Plus my mom was going though with her hair and I told her to stop getting a relaxer so it would only be right to do the same. 

Natural hair is just going to take a lot of extra time and effort...OH and good products...that is another problem in itself..... 

New Year, Let Him Help You!!!

Well it is a NEW YEAR and you know what that means!!! New Goals!!! Before you get it twisted I am SOOOO not saying, "New Year, New Me." Not at all because there can't be a new me, I am me no matter what BUT I can try and be a better me. Plus I think it is super important to have some goals for a new year. 

First things first!!!! Being a better person. Seriously I think in 2013 I was sort of snarly. I think there was an icebox where my heart use to be and I am not even sure why I was like that. I may need to humble myself even though I don't believe I had become arrogant or anything but humility may help me in my future. Also taming the tongue and watching my tone. I feel like I tend to say things in a very nasty tone especially in my household and that doesn't help anyone. I feel like to my students I have all the patience in the world and at home if a pin drops I am irate. I need to just think positive and walk away from the petty. 

Secondly, humbling yourself and walking positively keeping your mouth from getting nasty all needs the help of Jesus. When I first began this blog I felt like I was in a fight with myself to become a teacher. I had reasonable goals that I set and met. I did all of that God, but this past year I am feeling like I walked less with God and more on my own, which on my own I can only get to destruction and that is pretty much where I was headed. The last five months of 2013 were NOT cool. I am really going to have to slow my roll and make sometime with Jesus. That way when I feel attacks from an adversary the blows won't be as hard as they were during 2013. 

Third...Speaking of God, I really, really, really, really really REALLY NEVER wanted to go here BUT... I really need to possibly become a wife. One thing that I really have never done is prayed for a husband, I think its dumb. I've always had the patience and when I met guys who were cool but clearly not the one I also knew to fall back, knowing that the guy wasn't for me. But I am about to be 30. I think one of the biggest reasons I was ok with not being married is because I didn't want to be that girl someone has to save because she hasn't gotten herself together. Then I realize I was being just like those guys who are like, "I like you, but I really need to get myself right." Know full well you can't get right. Now I am not saying I would like to get married in 2014, I am not even saying I want to be engaged in 2014, it would be nice to just meet that person. Maybe we've already met. Who knows? I have always let God handle this aspect with asking him of anything but this time I am asking. 

At the end of the Day God really runs everything so with that being said for the fourth thing I would really like to hear from Him about my career. I know what I want, but what does God want for me? Where should I be or where is God sending me? What should I do? Like I said I know what I want, but its really not about me. 

On the personal side, I would really like to write a publish worthy novel, I need to have more confidence in myself and my writing. I need to allow my imagination to run wild. 

SO really in 2014 I need do less talking and more listening to God. He made a promise to me and I will never forget that he said not to worry because everything would be alright and that I would be happy and I am counting on it. 

2014 I am so ready! 

Pillar

Death is interesting to say the least...it seems to bring people to a lost for words. The last post I made was about a death, so I guess this is how I deal. Someone died and although you can his o-bit is on the internet for confidentiality reasons I won't say his name, but I'll note that he was a child, the littlest of our youngsters.

Death touches us all differently. Some of us grieve briefly and move on, some of us grieve for years and never truly recover. The first death I remember effecting me gravely was that of my maternal grandmother. But I guess there is something that my mother taught that makes me sort of brush off the hurt/pain and get back on the horse. I think when my paternal grandfather passed I worried more about my paternal grandmother. I was a few year wiser upon this death and I had a better understanding of how to hold it in. Although I actually cried for like a minute out loud at work, but no one was there other than my aunt and maybe one other co worker. Then I wiped my tears and got back to work.

(Michael Jackson's death is a sour note in my life that still makes me drop a tear due to the terrible situation surrounding his death, so they are not tears for death but more idolizing tears of the pop star that was...)

I allow others to grieve and I "suck it up." It's sort of like I am the pillar. People lean on me; I am the ear that listens, I cottle, I build back up. While I let you feel, I make sure I look like the brick people know me to be.

I guess I made the mistake of being a cry baby in front of the wrong people, plus I have found that people are paralyzed when I (or others) break down. Especially men (at least the ones I know) and there is nothing worst than crying and needing that pat on the back from someone who is awkwardly watching.

My mother's text Monday was: "Hold it together about, little J--, sad thing." I did just that even as I remembered how on Friday he was sitting on my lap laughing and smiling as he practiced for the up coming Special Olympics. He was grabbing the modified small soft and squishy basketball, then dunking it like the next Michael Jordan. I held it together, when I remembered how that Saturday I found out this little guy knew how to play, "peek-a-boo."
 "I notice he was putting his hands up to his eyes then bringing them down, while I was changing him, I told my mom, I finally figured out he was playing "peek-a-boo."
I can see his face while he was on the changing table with the biggest smile on his face with his very quiet laugh. I even mentioned my favorite thing to do with this kiddo, which was when he would be sitting on my lap and I would let him hold my index finger with his tiny hands. Then I would make my legs sort of bounce and move his arms ever so gently as to mock driving a horse and buggy. And I would say to him: "Oh you must drive the buggy, do you drive the buggy?" He would smile and I would stop as I worried about too much movement or excitement. No matter how much the teacher/para would say he was a tough dude and not as fragile as he looked I would still always worry that I was doing to much. I am sure if he could have talked that he would have asked: "Why'd you stop?"
If you haven't figured it out he was Amish. So I also held it together as I told a co-worker about putting his little homemade Amish coat and bonnet on his little body before we went out to get on the bus at the end of the day. 

When I walked into the school this morning I knew that I had to continue being the pillar that I am, even as I saw wheelchairs moving and I knew he wouldn't be in them; even when I walked in the classroom and saw his little shirt lying on the desk along with his o-bit.

I don't think people would blame me if I broke down, but I think I would be mad at myself, but when being a pillar you're basically holding it all in, so then when you want to feel it won't come out or worst the original feeling turns into other emotions. Basically, after working in the classroom of the student who passed and holding everything in I went to my second job and wanted to get some of it out, but by this point it had been transformed into a different emotion. So now I am here typing these words as I think about Michael Jackson's song: Gone too Soon.

Now I don't know what the Amish believe, and although there are many ideas from the Christian perspective, I can see this little guy in heaven with the other children that leave us at an early age playing and laughing and singing. Maybe he is with other little Amish children, or maybe all children are together. I guess I can see this because that is the last image I saw of him before he died. Or maybe he is an angel. Either way I can't ask why, and I can't be angry. I can only accept that this happen and hope that if he was in pain that his suffering is over. I hope that he can sit on my Grandmother's lap and "drive his buggy."

   

He Could Be Me/ I Could Be Him

So I go onto facebook to announce that my Netflix account is back up and running after fraudulent activity but my joy was soon taken as an article about Lee Thompson Young  was posted on my newsfeed from TMZ. He was found dead from what appears to be an self inflicted gun shot. He was 29. 

For those of you who don't know Lee Thompson Young played Jett Jackson on the Disney Show:  "The Famous Jett Jackson." Now I wasn't a disney kid, I grew up on Nickelodeon, but I remember every now and then catching this show on Disney and thinking wow he is a black dude with those gorgeous eyes with his own show on Disney....WOW! He went on to do other things and quite honestly I went on to be a fangirl to others. 

The reason this story about his apparent suicide affects me is because it reminded me that no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter how successful you are or how unsuccessful you are, demons follow. It is up to you whether you want to live and fight them or give up. 

For about two weeks I have been weaving in and out of depression like symptoms. I don't like that word so instead of saying depression I will say I was having some good days and some bad days. Sleep deprivation played a role, and recognizing that I am at another new beginning. New beginnings are good, but because its new its also unknown at times.  I have two new beginnings, one I am currently looking for a position as a teacher; two I am dating someone. (Good times right? a time to be proud right? a time to be happy right?) Not sure where either will lead me, but I also don't like the unknown and fear arises. I have a lot of "I'm not good enough" thoughts. Not good enough to be anything that I desire to be.... That is my demon. And as I said, no matter what, demons follow. When you have gotten comfortable and have forgotten, oh cause you forget at times, that demon will be right on top of you choking you trying to take you out. The question is: will you let him win or will you fight? 

 I am not saying that this is what was going on with Lee Thompson Young. I don't really know his story, AND it has YET to be confirmed that this was indeed suicide, but he was 29. And that struck me because we are the same age. He was 5 days older than me. He would have been 30 on February 1st. Some of us have big problems with 30, I do. I feel like there are a lot of things I am not that I wanted to be by 30. I often feel like everyone's life is moving and mine is stuck. When I saw: "He was 29" all I kept thinking was he could be me or I could be him.

I am really sad about this brother's death, but my saying is that everything happens for a reason.  When I read it I was immediately sadden, but at the same time I heard a word in it. I don't want to lose. So I have to fight. I only know one way to fight....pleading the Blood of Jesus and praying. I gotta get into the scriptures and remember the word of God, cause that's how you fight in this situation. I have all the faith in the world, but need more in myself, self doubt is just fear....

I can only hope that his man is at peace. I hope that he has found solace in the place that he is now resting. I really hope that any others that have found themselves in a situation where they feel that all hope is lost are able to find help before falling into a place in which they can't return. 
 (again I am not saying that this was the situation that Lee Thompson Young was in)

The light at the end of this tunnel is that, often at funerals a preacher gives a word and offers to whomever is there who needs Jesus to come up and become born again. I feel like to a certain degree the break of this story was sort of like a personal alter call. 

RIP Lee Thompson Young 

She's cute, but are there anymore...

***This is a draft that has been sitting here unpublished and I decided to go ahead and publish it.****

So as you know usually in the evening when I walk my dog I have these thoughts that I hurry home and have blog about, and that happened but when I came to my blogger dashboard I started second guessing my idea. I returned to Facebook saw that not much had changes in the seconds I had just been on it and being that I had browse amazon all day after a mini Zyuranger (super sentai aka power rangers) marathon I'd long tired those options. So I went back to my blogger dashboard. I saw that this young man Jozen Cummings who had gone to Howard University's School of Communications graduating about...2004 had a relatively new post for his Until I Get Married blog. When he first started the blog I read like everyday, of course I worked in front of a computer at a library and had the time. Being all about the male perspective of dating and relationships it has been interesting and blew up sending many opportunities his way. (If only we all had of had the guts to start a blog not only for themselves just to vent, but to share with others back in the day when we were blogging on myspace) Anyway, nowadays I don't read often but being that we are friends on facebook I have watch his growth from the time Vibe magazine went under and he lost his job and he started the blog to now as he is a dating reporter for the New York Post. But enough about him he posted a blog a while ago called "How My Job Taught Me To Hate Guys and Why I Need More Nice Guys" and to sum it up it was about guys being choosy as far as women and looks. In so many words he was saying that for his job with "setting" up dates the guys are always asking for "hot" women or more attractive women. He also points out that he does hear such from women. You should read it to get more details as it is linked. But it helped me to finally talk about something I have had on my mind for years probably since before high school, probably since 5th and 6th grades when you have so called "boyfriends" but all you did was talk on the phone (of course now days it texting or chatting).  I have always wondered: 

Am I that girl who guys are like, she's cute, but not enough, or I could do better?"

Now I stopped myself from posting this on his blog as a comment because if I am asking this doesn't it appear that I lack confidence in myself and that is not a good look, but I mean hey at least I am honest. The truth is I am not very confident in my looks, never have been. I can remember living in base housing and feeling like I am not very attractive and I was probably 8 or 9. (It's terrible but hey the first step is getting it out, right). Of course it never gets better, how could it when I started getting the acne in 7th and 8th grade (btw that never went away) then glasses in 10th grade. The only thing I had going in high school is the fact that as time went on I became the upper class men and freshmen carried a torch for me (that sounds way over the top but I don't know how else to explain it). That has nothing to do with looks just admiration, just like I admired seniors when I was a freshmen. In college I didn't think about it much because I was with someone for the most part. Howard was an outer body experience. I mean I just felt confident in general. BUT I know I had issues in general stuff you don't figure out until you are away from home and around new people lol. I was in a relationship for the most and the sun rose and set in him so it didn't matter whether I was gorgeous or looked like a martian I was sustained in me. Well actually I wasn't I was very insecure not about normal girls but famous women, I mean to this day I can't look at Christiana Milian with a smile, but I think my blog for that is back on MySpace. 
So yeah I have always wondered am I a girl who a guy is like she is cute but that one over there is gorgeous. And at the sametime I am choosy but more so about "conditions" than looks. For instance, If a guy tries to talk to me randomly, he will get a friendly: "No thank you." Now if he is gorgeous then I will consider it, but when do the so- called gorgeous guys speak to me? When it does happen I get all flabbergasted. (April 1st 2010 will never forget it). I am guilty of talking randoms from the internet but I mean they seemed legit, but they are also the reason why I don't do it anymore. I prefer to build with people I actually already know so if someone from CMS, Dover High, or Howard, got at me I would entertain the idea, but not really cause I remember those guys and I sort of feel like I am in a "Look at me now" situation, where although I am still that geeky girl you remember in high school my curves are in all the right places and my hair is real.

And now with in my attempts to date outside of my race I am hit with a plethora of other insecurities about how to dance bachata, is it ok if my hair is kinky, or remembering to slurp my ramen as to not insult the cook.  

When it comes to looks I feel the same way I felt in elementary school when they pick teams for kickball, "Don't be last Don't be last." But you know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and to be honest I as I have grown up I don't date based on looks. I date based how do I feel when I am with this person? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated? (Really I am look to see if he makes any mistakes the last guy made so I can promptly give him the boot. SMH!)