She's cute, but are there anymore...

***This is a draft that has been sitting here unpublished and I decided to go ahead and publish it.****

So as you know usually in the evening when I walk my dog I have these thoughts that I hurry home and have blog about, and that happened but when I came to my blogger dashboard I started second guessing my idea. I returned to Facebook saw that not much had changes in the seconds I had just been on it and being that I had browse amazon all day after a mini Zyuranger (super sentai aka power rangers) marathon I'd long tired those options. So I went back to my blogger dashboard. I saw that this young man Jozen Cummings who had gone to Howard University's School of Communications graduating about...2004 had a relatively new post for his Until I Get Married blog. When he first started the blog I read like everyday, of course I worked in front of a computer at a library and had the time. Being all about the male perspective of dating and relationships it has been interesting and blew up sending many opportunities his way. (If only we all had of had the guts to start a blog not only for themselves just to vent, but to share with others back in the day when we were blogging on myspace) Anyway, nowadays I don't read often but being that we are friends on facebook I have watch his growth from the time Vibe magazine went under and he lost his job and he started the blog to now as he is a dating reporter for the New York Post. But enough about him he posted a blog a while ago called "How My Job Taught Me To Hate Guys and Why I Need More Nice Guys" and to sum it up it was about guys being choosy as far as women and looks. In so many words he was saying that for his job with "setting" up dates the guys are always asking for "hot" women or more attractive women. He also points out that he does hear such from women. You should read it to get more details as it is linked. But it helped me to finally talk about something I have had on my mind for years probably since before high school, probably since 5th and 6th grades when you have so called "boyfriends" but all you did was talk on the phone (of course now days it texting or chatting).  I have always wondered: 

Am I that girl who guys are like, she's cute, but not enough, or I could do better?"

Now I stopped myself from posting this on his blog as a comment because if I am asking this doesn't it appear that I lack confidence in myself and that is not a good look, but I mean hey at least I am honest. The truth is I am not very confident in my looks, never have been. I can remember living in base housing and feeling like I am not very attractive and I was probably 8 or 9. (It's terrible but hey the first step is getting it out, right). Of course it never gets better, how could it when I started getting the acne in 7th and 8th grade (btw that never went away) then glasses in 10th grade. The only thing I had going in high school is the fact that as time went on I became the upper class men and freshmen carried a torch for me (that sounds way over the top but I don't know how else to explain it). That has nothing to do with looks just admiration, just like I admired seniors when I was a freshmen. In college I didn't think about it much because I was with someone for the most part. Howard was an outer body experience. I mean I just felt confident in general. BUT I know I had issues in general stuff you don't figure out until you are away from home and around new people lol. I was in a relationship for the most and the sun rose and set in him so it didn't matter whether I was gorgeous or looked like a martian I was sustained in me. Well actually I wasn't I was very insecure not about normal girls but famous women, I mean to this day I can't look at Christiana Milian with a smile, but I think my blog for that is back on MySpace. 
So yeah I have always wondered am I a girl who a guy is like she is cute but that one over there is gorgeous. And at the sametime I am choosy but more so about "conditions" than looks. For instance, If a guy tries to talk to me randomly, he will get a friendly: "No thank you." Now if he is gorgeous then I will consider it, but when do the so- called gorgeous guys speak to me? When it does happen I get all flabbergasted. (April 1st 2010 will never forget it). I am guilty of talking randoms from the internet but I mean they seemed legit, but they are also the reason why I don't do it anymore. I prefer to build with people I actually already know so if someone from CMS, Dover High, or Howard, got at me I would entertain the idea, but not really cause I remember those guys and I sort of feel like I am in a "Look at me now" situation, where although I am still that geeky girl you remember in high school my curves are in all the right places and my hair is real.

And now with in my attempts to date outside of my race I am hit with a plethora of other insecurities about how to dance bachata, is it ok if my hair is kinky, or remembering to slurp my ramen as to not insult the cook.  

When it comes to looks I feel the same way I felt in elementary school when they pick teams for kickball, "Don't be last Don't be last." But you know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and to be honest I as I have grown up I don't date based on looks. I date based how do I feel when I am with this person? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated? (Really I am look to see if he makes any mistakes the last guy made so I can promptly give him the boot. SMH!)

Tables turn...

So as I'm driving home the song Addicted by mi favorito Prince Royce starts and I get to thinking about my current love life or lack thereof. The song rouses something because of the lyrics starting with: sleeping in /Sunday morning /body's intertwined p/playing fake/ we're awake /but we don't want to rise.... I remember the feeling. And maybe that's missing but don't know. I've been working hard almost non-stop. I'm actually getting nervous because i'll be done fairly soon and although that means more responsibility as a teacher I will have just that. Teaching. But as I accomplish my goals and get closer to the future ahead of me I've harden my heart in my time of being single I've made myself indifferent to my feelings. Like I can't imagine being in love let alone going on a date. I've taken myself to my comfort level of having another celebrity crush that helps me get over being lonely as well as using my dog to fill the void of companionship. I'm numb. I've never been this completely numb but then I guess I'm not completely numb because I'm writing this. Part of me is still mourning El amor que perdimos. The love we lost and really love had NOTHING to do with it. I think the truth is I'm scared of love. It has hurt for the most part and I don't trust it because they love you one moment and have moved on the next. Tu eres Linda is just the same a you are sexy as far as I'm concerned and can be said just as easily. Unnecessary tears drop and I quickly wipe them away to quickly forget...to forget the statistics of black relationships...to forget racism/discrimination that keeps us broken even if the world is turning cream. To forget you and I were ever one to forget that there is such an emotion to
forget the humanistic need for it...but its been mean to me and my beliefs that may be slightly naive but are my beliefs regardless and have kept me going to this point. I'm not doing enough t ignore it or maybe I haven't been ignoring it at all which is why I'm here now. Maybe a year and a half Of lovelessness has been enough. I'm not ready to get back in there only because I wont have the time to be theirs but isn't that the very excuse I hate to hear from a dude isn't that the last excuse that I heard so where do I get off. Maybe I'm just as afraid of what the commitment means as he/they are and I don't know. Not sure I've spent a lot of time fighting to get away from whatever love is that I've closed myself and some of that is OK and some of it is grossly wrong but i'll see in due time.right now I'm sort of blind to it and until my eyes are and heart are opened I guess I should continue to deal with my indifference.

“You melted like butter…”

...I sure did. When I like someone I like them and that is just the way it is…and it is a long road to me not liking them.

I mean it is like a gradual reality;  I am a woman and I do have an intuition and sometimes it comes to me, but when it does sometimes I just don’t want to listen, because I’m a sucka for love, but not a fool. What I am saying is although I fall hard or think I have fallen hard, and I always usually have a special song to go along with that “love,” I don’t allow myself to be completely blind. I was lucky to have already gone through some things in life, not too bad, but bad enough that I learned and now I know to sleep with one eye open for lack of a better phrase.

A friend of mind told me in college:

“Don’t put all you eggs in one basket.”

And although I heard this over five years ago I didn’t get it until probably last year, or should I say I didn’t put it into play until about a year ago.

I just think it is so funny that when girls love, they feel their hearts surrounded by warmth, and fuzzy wuzzies, and when guys love they feel their penis surrounded by warmth, and fuzzy wuzzies. I know it’s the same ol’ conversation, but it is a reality in many cases.

For instance my mom and I were watching a "play" on DVD, there was an old couple that was like “nowadays girls don’t leave anything to the imagination and they don’t understand that when you act like a lady, men will treat you like one.” This statement is true and bogus at the same time.



It is very true that guys want to take a lady home to mother. I have heard this right from the horse’s mouth several times. Guys will treat a lady like a lady and treat the one who is not so much a lady like a…what she portrays, but in my experience with being a lady, some guys are still disrespectful, and looking at us like sex objects too, no matter how much you cover; as a matter of fact I think it entices a guy MORE when you are covered. Maybe it doesn’t help that I work in a library and that comes with its own cliché, but I know I am still a sex object. The difference is that I feel like I get more respect, not just because of my ladylike qualities, but also because of my age (since I work in a college where most guys are 17-23), and because most of them ask if I attend the school (where I work) and the answer is always “no I graduated from Howard in 2006” so then they think I am smart and also “uptight”. (ARGH, to the stereotypes of my life.)



But overall, guys have major mental disabilities. (I say mental disabilities because many times a guy leaves me utterly confused as I deal with them and I see as mental.) Mental disabilities because sometimes it is hard (no pun intended) for them to get their penises uninvolved in their train of thought in many situations. Some men, because they are men just think different in general.

I am not bashing, actually I think this is a reality that women have to face. Just like the instability of a female’s emotions is a reality that men have to face. Not that a woman should accept or settle for the mental disabilities of a man, (nor should a man accept or settle for some female issues) but when someone with little mental disabilities comes into your life you have to understand that there will be some issues; just like when he is sitting there with you after you curse him out for some miniscule thing he did that you don’t even understand your reasoning for being angry.

Or don’t be ignorant to his issues. If you see them (the issues) and chose (choose) to deal with it then that is what you better do because you are not going to make him change and it is not going to get better it is only going to get worst, in most cases, especially those where you are not married.

So the ending to the above statement was,

“…and I was hard as an axe.” 

A very unromantic statement that holds so many truths to our reality.