Pillar

Death is interesting to say the least...it seems to bring people to a lost for words. The last post I made was about a death, so I guess this is how I deal. Someone died and although you can his o-bit is on the internet for confidentiality reasons I won't say his name, but I'll note that he was a child, the littlest of our youngsters.

Death touches us all differently. Some of us grieve briefly and move on, some of us grieve for years and never truly recover. The first death I remember effecting me gravely was that of my maternal grandmother. But I guess there is something that my mother taught that makes me sort of brush off the hurt/pain and get back on the horse. I think when my paternal grandfather passed I worried more about my paternal grandmother. I was a few year wiser upon this death and I had a better understanding of how to hold it in. Although I actually cried for like a minute out loud at work, but no one was there other than my aunt and maybe one other co worker. Then I wiped my tears and got back to work.

(Michael Jackson's death is a sour note in my life that still makes me drop a tear due to the terrible situation surrounding his death, so they are not tears for death but more idolizing tears of the pop star that was...)

I allow others to grieve and I "suck it up." It's sort of like I am the pillar. People lean on me; I am the ear that listens, I cottle, I build back up. While I let you feel, I make sure I look like the brick people know me to be.

I guess I made the mistake of being a cry baby in front of the wrong people, plus I have found that people are paralyzed when I (or others) break down. Especially men (at least the ones I know) and there is nothing worst than crying and needing that pat on the back from someone who is awkwardly watching.

My mother's text Monday was: "Hold it together about, little J--, sad thing." I did just that even as I remembered how on Friday he was sitting on my lap laughing and smiling as he practiced for the up coming Special Olympics. He was grabbing the modified small soft and squishy basketball, then dunking it like the next Michael Jordan. I held it together, when I remembered how that Saturday I found out this little guy knew how to play, "peek-a-boo."
 "I notice he was putting his hands up to his eyes then bringing them down, while I was changing him, I told my mom, I finally figured out he was playing "peek-a-boo."
I can see his face while he was on the changing table with the biggest smile on his face with his very quiet laugh. I even mentioned my favorite thing to do with this kiddo, which was when he would be sitting on my lap and I would let him hold my index finger with his tiny hands. Then I would make my legs sort of bounce and move his arms ever so gently as to mock driving a horse and buggy. And I would say to him: "Oh you must drive the buggy, do you drive the buggy?" He would smile and I would stop as I worried about too much movement or excitement. No matter how much the teacher/para would say he was a tough dude and not as fragile as he looked I would still always worry that I was doing to much. I am sure if he could have talked that he would have asked: "Why'd you stop?"
If you haven't figured it out he was Amish. So I also held it together as I told a co-worker about putting his little homemade Amish coat and bonnet on his little body before we went out to get on the bus at the end of the day. 

When I walked into the school this morning I knew that I had to continue being the pillar that I am, even as I saw wheelchairs moving and I knew he wouldn't be in them; even when I walked in the classroom and saw his little shirt lying on the desk along with his o-bit.

I don't think people would blame me if I broke down, but I think I would be mad at myself, but when being a pillar you're basically holding it all in, so then when you want to feel it won't come out or worst the original feeling turns into other emotions. Basically, after working in the classroom of the student who passed and holding everything in I went to my second job and wanted to get some of it out, but by this point it had been transformed into a different emotion. So now I am here typing these words as I think about Michael Jackson's song: Gone too Soon.

Now I don't know what the Amish believe, and although there are many ideas from the Christian perspective, I can see this little guy in heaven with the other children that leave us at an early age playing and laughing and singing. Maybe he is with other little Amish children, or maybe all children are together. I guess I can see this because that is the last image I saw of him before he died. Or maybe he is an angel. Either way I can't ask why, and I can't be angry. I can only accept that this happen and hope that if he was in pain that his suffering is over. I hope that he can sit on my Grandmother's lap and "drive his buggy."

   

He Could Be Me/ I Could Be Him

So I go onto facebook to announce that my Netflix account is back up and running after fraudulent activity but my joy was soon taken as an article about Lee Thompson Young  was posted on my newsfeed from TMZ. He was found dead from what appears to be an self inflicted gun shot. He was 29. 

For those of you who don't know Lee Thompson Young played Jett Jackson on the Disney Show:  "The Famous Jett Jackson." Now I wasn't a disney kid, I grew up on Nickelodeon, but I remember every now and then catching this show on Disney and thinking wow he is a black dude with those gorgeous eyes with his own show on Disney....WOW! He went on to do other things and quite honestly I went on to be a fangirl to others. 

The reason this story about his apparent suicide affects me is because it reminded me that no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter how successful you are or how unsuccessful you are, demons follow. It is up to you whether you want to live and fight them or give up. 

For about two weeks I have been weaving in and out of depression like symptoms. I don't like that word so instead of saying depression I will say I was having some good days and some bad days. Sleep deprivation played a role, and recognizing that I am at another new beginning. New beginnings are good, but because its new its also unknown at times.  I have two new beginnings, one I am currently looking for a position as a teacher; two I am dating someone. (Good times right? a time to be proud right? a time to be happy right?) Not sure where either will lead me, but I also don't like the unknown and fear arises. I have a lot of "I'm not good enough" thoughts. Not good enough to be anything that I desire to be.... That is my demon. And as I said, no matter what, demons follow. When you have gotten comfortable and have forgotten, oh cause you forget at times, that demon will be right on top of you choking you trying to take you out. The question is: will you let him win or will you fight? 

 I am not saying that this is what was going on with Lee Thompson Young. I don't really know his story, AND it has YET to be confirmed that this was indeed suicide, but he was 29. And that struck me because we are the same age. He was 5 days older than me. He would have been 30 on February 1st. Some of us have big problems with 30, I do. I feel like there are a lot of things I am not that I wanted to be by 30. I often feel like everyone's life is moving and mine is stuck. When I saw: "He was 29" all I kept thinking was he could be me or I could be him.

I am really sad about this brother's death, but my saying is that everything happens for a reason.  When I read it I was immediately sadden, but at the same time I heard a word in it. I don't want to lose. So I have to fight. I only know one way to fight....pleading the Blood of Jesus and praying. I gotta get into the scriptures and remember the word of God, cause that's how you fight in this situation. I have all the faith in the world, but need more in myself, self doubt is just fear....

I can only hope that his man is at peace. I hope that he has found solace in the place that he is now resting. I really hope that any others that have found themselves in a situation where they feel that all hope is lost are able to find help before falling into a place in which they can't return. 
 (again I am not saying that this was the situation that Lee Thompson Young was in)

The light at the end of this tunnel is that, often at funerals a preacher gives a word and offers to whomever is there who needs Jesus to come up and become born again. I feel like to a certain degree the break of this story was sort of like a personal alter call. 

RIP Lee Thompson Young 

She's cute, but are there anymore...

***This is a draft that has been sitting here unpublished and I decided to go ahead and publish it.****

So as you know usually in the evening when I walk my dog I have these thoughts that I hurry home and have blog about, and that happened but when I came to my blogger dashboard I started second guessing my idea. I returned to Facebook saw that not much had changes in the seconds I had just been on it and being that I had browse amazon all day after a mini Zyuranger (super sentai aka power rangers) marathon I'd long tired those options. So I went back to my blogger dashboard. I saw that this young man Jozen Cummings who had gone to Howard University's School of Communications graduating about...2004 had a relatively new post for his Until I Get Married blog. When he first started the blog I read like everyday, of course I worked in front of a computer at a library and had the time. Being all about the male perspective of dating and relationships it has been interesting and blew up sending many opportunities his way. (If only we all had of had the guts to start a blog not only for themselves just to vent, but to share with others back in the day when we were blogging on myspace) Anyway, nowadays I don't read often but being that we are friends on facebook I have watch his growth from the time Vibe magazine went under and he lost his job and he started the blog to now as he is a dating reporter for the New York Post. But enough about him he posted a blog a while ago called "How My Job Taught Me To Hate Guys and Why I Need More Nice Guys" and to sum it up it was about guys being choosy as far as women and looks. In so many words he was saying that for his job with "setting" up dates the guys are always asking for "hot" women or more attractive women. He also points out that he does hear such from women. You should read it to get more details as it is linked. But it helped me to finally talk about something I have had on my mind for years probably since before high school, probably since 5th and 6th grades when you have so called "boyfriends" but all you did was talk on the phone (of course now days it texting or chatting).  I have always wondered: 

Am I that girl who guys are like, she's cute, but not enough, or I could do better?"

Now I stopped myself from posting this on his blog as a comment because if I am asking this doesn't it appear that I lack confidence in myself and that is not a good look, but I mean hey at least I am honest. The truth is I am not very confident in my looks, never have been. I can remember living in base housing and feeling like I am not very attractive and I was probably 8 or 9. (It's terrible but hey the first step is getting it out, right). Of course it never gets better, how could it when I started getting the acne in 7th and 8th grade (btw that never went away) then glasses in 10th grade. The only thing I had going in high school is the fact that as time went on I became the upper class men and freshmen carried a torch for me (that sounds way over the top but I don't know how else to explain it). That has nothing to do with looks just admiration, just like I admired seniors when I was a freshmen. In college I didn't think about it much because I was with someone for the most part. Howard was an outer body experience. I mean I just felt confident in general. BUT I know I had issues in general stuff you don't figure out until you are away from home and around new people lol. I was in a relationship for the most and the sun rose and set in him so it didn't matter whether I was gorgeous or looked like a martian I was sustained in me. Well actually I wasn't I was very insecure not about normal girls but famous women, I mean to this day I can't look at Christiana Milian with a smile, but I think my blog for that is back on MySpace. 
So yeah I have always wondered am I a girl who a guy is like she is cute but that one over there is gorgeous. And at the sametime I am choosy but more so about "conditions" than looks. For instance, If a guy tries to talk to me randomly, he will get a friendly: "No thank you." Now if he is gorgeous then I will consider it, but when do the so- called gorgeous guys speak to me? When it does happen I get all flabbergasted. (April 1st 2010 will never forget it). I am guilty of talking randoms from the internet but I mean they seemed legit, but they are also the reason why I don't do it anymore. I prefer to build with people I actually already know so if someone from CMS, Dover High, or Howard, got at me I would entertain the idea, but not really cause I remember those guys and I sort of feel like I am in a "Look at me now" situation, where although I am still that geeky girl you remember in high school my curves are in all the right places and my hair is real.

And now with in my attempts to date outside of my race I am hit with a plethora of other insecurities about how to dance bachata, is it ok if my hair is kinky, or remembering to slurp my ramen as to not insult the cook.  

When it comes to looks I feel the same way I felt in elementary school when they pick teams for kickball, "Don't be last Don't be last." But you know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and to be honest I as I have grown up I don't date based on looks. I date based how do I feel when I am with this person? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated? (Really I am look to see if he makes any mistakes the last guy made so I can promptly give him the boot. SMH!)

The Gym, My Disdain, and Why I will keep paying....

It was 5th grade....

We all stood in our rows for Volleyball during PE also know as GYM. Looking back I was incredibly awkward. All the kids in the class had grown up together at West Elementary, East Elementary, South Elementary, Hartly or Fairview. I was was from Arnold and Welch Elm. on the other side of town in the opposing district. I swear if I had of stayed in that district I would have become a cheerleader, voted most popular, and overall more out going. At William Henry I was not and in this district I would never be any of that...at the impressionable time of 5th and 6th grade I soon learned that I was the epitome of wack/geek/dork/nerd. Nothing about me was cool. And I didn't try to be anything, but wack/geek/dork/nerd...I loved two "things" Michael Jackson and Power Rangers although by the sixth grade I tried to put those things away to start seeing what the other kids liked...but I digress...back to the GYM...the other side was serving. They hit the ball... it came over...in my direction...and...bop! Hit me in the head. Laughter fell upon the group as I probably did something silly to get through the embarrassment. And that is what the Gym means to me...embarrassment.

It continues....

I am like 30 years and 2 months old and the Gym continues to mean this to me.  Even though in the adult gym there are like a zillion treadmills and bunch of other apparatus that the guys use and a little section for girls like me, I still feel like the Volleyball is hitting me. I still feel the urge to use comic relief to assist in my embarrassment even though no one is watching me. I feel like my body is quite odd, I am 5'1.5" in height. My arms length from my fingertips to my shoulder is at least 2'4" My legs from hip to feet are 2'11''. Those numbers sound small, but I look lanky and I am short so I just look weird. My mom is always saying you have really long arms, and a lady noticed my arms were long. I also have big feet for someone of my height. This is the things the folks on my dad's side are 5'9-5'10, the folks on my mom's side, 4'11'', 4'9''.  My great grand and my grandma were those heights. Put it to you like this...I am a petite who can't wear petite sizes because the length of the sleeves are "young" and the pants are always high waters.....

Apparatus...

Then what do I know about a gym? Yeah I took weight training at Howard...that was cake walk, I just did what I normally do, Lucille Ball/ blonde. Its easier. I always feel like I am doing it wrong. Like what is the correct form for a push up, or a crunch or a sit up. Do you use this for arms? Which weight should I use and at the gym even though there are "workers" asking them would be too much like right? LOL!!!

 

 Partners...

My mom is always like we should go to the gym on base.  She always says it's better when you have someone to go with you and I'm like to myself saying "Whatever, I do everything SOLO DOLO!!!!" That

is me as a matter of fact my nickname should be Dans Solo (Star Wars Humor). I have gone to club solo dolo, I go shopping solo dolo, I talk to me...(I know that's cray) but you know what I don't have anybody and I find that when I do it is a freaking wreck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like shopping with a buddy can be terrible. If you are broke so you know you can't shop hard core, but you friend is ballin' you will find yourself in Neimans like I can't afford to look at these things. Vice-versa. BUT...aren't things a lot more fun when done with a pal? I really probably need to get a gym pal, but who? I walk my pals (dogs) everyday or at least try. Guess what they do? Stop in this really nice yard down the street and lays in their grass, like we aren't going for a walk....FAIL!

 Why is it all about WEIGHTS? 

At HU I got up to about 55-65 lbs on the bench press...yeah I am back to just the bar. What I look like lifting? A girl. That's how I look. Ok so they have yoga classes and aerobics...hello um Little Miss Awkward. WHY don't they have like volleyball class. I know this is hilarious, but ASIDE from the humiliation from middle school I love Volleyball, and GET THIS...I grew up playing tennis. Like I had lessons!! And I like to think that I was good at it. But that is what gym should be games of some sort of indoor sporting. You may be saying: "well there are leagues and city of Dover type things for that..." yeah I know I signed up for Tennis about a year or two ago and they mailed me my check back saying that they NO ONE ELSE SIGNED UP, just me. What a dork!!!

 

This is my sport right here!

I pay $10 bucks every month and I will keep paying....

I couldn't tell you the last time I was at the gym, but I keep paying like a dummy. But it seems like all 30 years old need a membership. Seriously "gyming" became a fad and I got my trendy membership so now I am trendy. I guess its adult me still trying to fit in.... Plus I am forever saying I need to go. The initiative/motivation is not there. It's actually really dumb because $120 plus that one time fee in January could by me alot of dresses and shoes....it is also a payment towards a bill, but I am an American I don't have number sense or smarts for money...I only understand capital capital capital....

I'll go...but today is not the day....

I still love Michael and Power Rangers...so I am pretty sure I am still that awkward little girl...and as I get older I am becoming more awkward. I am like where'd these boobs come from...why do I now need a REAL sports bras?  Everything thing jiggles, but hey if you don't go in the first place then of course it all jiggles. Sneakers? Reebok? Nike? Who are they? Ok I am over exaggerating but let's face it the last pair of sneakers I bought were wedge heels for style not running.

To tattoo or not to tattoo...THAT is the question?!?!?!?!

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4641352332948409936#editor/target=post;postID=2708228528244890616Nowadays er'body and their mom have tattoos. I don't. And that's ok. And I could die today and be completely satisfied with being tattoo-less, BUT...

I've always said I want a butterfly tattoo on my butt

 Now I am like maybe not on my butt, but somewhere. Is it sad that my thing for butterflies came about from the same album I talk about in the last blog...Mariah and Butterfly...but it wasn't the song that inspired me. 

It would actually happen later on in life when Mariah started flaunting her gold and silver butterfly rings. 

 

Those rings were glamorous and shinny. From there I was all about butterflies...and for me it started with just rings and grew to necklaces and then earrings and now most people identify the butterfly with me too. LOL!!! Moving on...the point is I don't think the butterfly will be leaving my life...and if I had one tatted on me I wouldn't look at it 20 years from now and be like: Damn, WHY!!!! Plus I am already almost 30...my frontal lobe should be fully developed and I should be able to handle a decision. So then the problem? Permanency. Tattoos are pretty much forever and one thing about me I am not a forever person. (I guess in marriage but I am not married now so...go figure). I don't get weaves or braids now because 2 weeks to 3 months is too long for my hair to stay the same. My nail polish color changes almost every two days...a week if I'm slippin' so how will i feel when I can't wash the tat away? 

The next problem is, the tattoo artist. Obviously this is someone you trust. In a shop that is clean cause Hepatitis spreads with tats my friend. Not to mention the other STDs/Is that are passed through blood. I think this was my mom's biggest concern. I am more concerned about the person in charge to do the tat. I know a place but I still hesitate. 

Money and Pain are not a concern. Money I am starting to make a little here and there to spare, and $50 to $100 on something would just mean I don't have $50 to $100 to spend on more shoes and clothes. Pain...hahaha...what pain...when it comes to pain I am a G...because I have been through pain....

I think this is pretty.

Now the question is where can it go?  When I told my ex about having a butterfly tat on the boo-tae he was too thrilled more like annoyed with the thought. Problem with tats are the fact to a small portion of people they are still slightly unprofessional. I am a teacher and no one thinks of their teacher to have tats, at least I don't. To be honest my idea of a tat is for it to be in a place where only my boyfriend/husband can enjoy it. Hence the photo seen here.... 

So legs, arms, hands, feet, shoulders, upper back, and ankles all out of the question. That leaves the tummy, thighs, and the lower back aka the tramp stamp...OUT of the question as well!!! Once again hence the pic, I love it, but to have a tattoo artist that close to my lil princess is not so cool. There has to be a good medium here. Over I am really thinking about it like really thinking, not just saying: "Oh I want a tat." Like really thinking! To decide. It a big decision, for me at least. But when I look at the butterfly I feel it could happen....

How Mariah Carey ruined my 4th of July

Fourth of July

By: Mariah Carey 
Trembling 
starry eyed 
As you put your hand in mine
 
It was twilight  
On the fourth of July 
Sparkling colors were Strewn across the sky 
 And we sat close enough 
 That we just barely touched
  While Roman candles
  Went soaring above us and baby
Then you put your hand in mine 
And we wandered away
  I was trembling inside  
But I wanted to stay, stay  
Pressed against you there 
And leave the world behind 
On that fourth of July

This song is featured on one of Mariah's best albums "Butterfly," which came out when I was an impressionable 14 going on 15 year old. I was awkward and wished that I could be "hot" but was NOT! I dreamed of  boys and boyfriends, but it was a different time and 14 years old weren't so damn grown, ok really I wasn't "grown" and I really wasn't that visible in school. Regardless of my popularity or lack thereof I had this album in heavy rotation. One reason was for the fact that a friend I lost to a move loved MC and the other reason being that this just a damn good record. My fascination with all things mariah began here. Fourth of July is a song not to be released as a single, a hidden secret if you will; being that if you weren't a fan and didn't listen to the album you would have missed out. After hearing this song and envisioning two young people together (me and Marques Houston) on the 4th of July, I thought about being in love, holding hands, watching fireworks, eating cotton candy or icecream together, embraced in each other's arms on the green in Dover...etc etc....lovely right...yeah....

Well...IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I understand the years that I was a "little girl" not allowed to "date" for most of those years, but from 18 until now...the 4th of July has usually been on of the most depressing days for me EVER!!!!!! More than freaking Valentines Day, I guess cause I have gotten a Valentine from my mom since I was a little girl and now as an adult I really try to do as much for my mom and bro not any "love".... I don't know Valentines Day takes a step back cause my BDay is the week before. I think Christmas is my next fave that would be a tad better with a "love" but I do so much for myself and my fam once again the lack of a love interest is no biggie. The 4th of July is nothing more that Fireworks and a moment that the USA acts like we really love our country and the independence that we have here. BUT because of this song, I built it up to be more, I built it up to be a romantic date. I built it into a night where you are with someone and that's the night you know you love them, I built it into so much more...the 4th of July is my Valentines Day. The 4th in my mind is like the night "he proposed". All from one song (which doesn't discuss proposing as it seems to be about two young people on the verge of a first love experience)...but imagination is a "helluva drug."  

 

 So starry eyed   

On the flowery hillside   

Breathless and fervid  

Amid the dandelions  

As it swept over me  

Like the wind trough the trees  

I felt you sigh with a   

Sweet intensity and baby

Then you put your hand in mine 

And we floated away 

Delicately lay entwined  

In an intimate daze 

A crescent moon began to shine 

And I wanted to stay  

Tangled up with you among the fireflies 

On that fourth of July

 

With my imagination taking off and my love life lacking the fourth of july is more like bubbles bursting and not fireworks.  Last year was an argument with the fam, because they don't need fireworks to celebrate. They don't need to be on the green...I need all of that...so I found myself on the green alone, so not only was I without a BF I was without those I care about....I will never forget the 4th I was with a boyfriend in tears because we didn't share the same enthusiasm for the 4th. I wanted to be in his arms he wanted to be home. Ok so what about when there was a new boyfriend...oh it was everything I wanted minus the "love" we had a great time but our relationship was more like being buddies...(no not FBs either!!!!) 

Thunder clouds

       Hung around  

          So threateningly 

              Ominously hovering 

                     And the sky 

                       Opened wide 

                           Showering
                              Then you put your hand in mine 

                                 And we ran from the rain 

                                    Tentatively kissed goodnight

                                       And went our separate ways

                                              And I've never truly felt the way that I Felt the fourth of July

 

So today is the 4th again...I haven't talked to my fam about plans...looks like it will be any other normal day...I am really trying to fake myself into believing such...its just a regular day with fireworks...yeah real regular. I guess I really need to grow out of the idea....I  believe it can happen, but it won't be today....part of me wants to boycott fireworks (just don't go), but the other part of me know how depressed I will be if i don't go....I thought of going on my own...without anyone, but the time between the parade and the "show" and the fireworks is LONG alone OMG!!! I want to have a better outlook and I want to try to keep from having issues this year. SO maybe I will go and take a notebook and write a story about Danielle and Marques (Houston) for old time sakes. BWAHAHAHA! 

 

Take a listen:::: 

 

 

 

Been Putting This Off...

You would think that I would have finished a blog by now discussing all the exciting things that have occur since February, but I can up with excuse after excuse and I don't know why.... This blog was started to go over the situations or fulfilling journeys I learn from or my achievements...I really just didn't know what to say, but since its been a while I can do a time line of events starting with....

1.) Student Teaching
     -In the last blog I was saying something about student teaching killing me...but it was my excitement for Lexington Toy and Comic Con (we will get to that) but student teaching was an awesome experience. First of all I was working under the advisement of the Teacher of the Year for the school. Second with as many doubts that I had about myself as I began and as I continued in student teaching everytime my advisor came to observe my teaching I received positive feedback and scores that said I was doing above average as a beginning. Student teaching was an excellent time for me! Very positive!! 

2.) Lexington Toy and Comic Con YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Such an amazing convention. I am really meeting my goal, I have met Tommy, Zack, Billy of the original 6 MMPR cast. Of the second sort of original MMPR cast, I met: Aiesha and Kat. But then I met other rangers and it was amazing. My Power Ranger goal isn't quite complete and it has become quite addicting. I need to meet Adam (Johnny Yong Bosch) like BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to go to the next morphicon as well!!!!

3.) Temporary Sub...
Yeah that happened, I finished student teaching and they place me in a classroom where a teacher had an accident causing her to be out for the rest of the school year. You know everything happens for a reason. Another very positive getting my feet wet experience. I actually wrote and helped to write Official IEPs. Great stuff I can add to the resume. 

4.) Graduation, Master's  of Special Education...get 'em!!!

5.) Summer School
   Yes I got a  position as a teacher!!!! Doing the teacher thing is slightly difficult but that's just because of stuff like what I am doing right now...staying up late bull jiving...I mean blogging, other nights its KDrama. I love it though! I am sorry it took me so long to find teaching. 


Now you know what the next huddle is...mmmhmmm getting that position for the school year....everything has already fallen into place so I will continue to have faith and believe that everything will continue to fall into place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the beginning...

Earn my master's of special education.... I DID IT!!!! 

Sleepless nights....

Ugh...student teaching is ruining my life...so is Lexington Comic and Toy Con. SMH! 

Ok so those things really aren't but I am still awake for two reasons, I really really really should be reviewing and printing my lesson plans for tomorrows sort of random a$$ informal observation. Obviously I am not doing that. And my mind is so like crazy about Lexington which is like coming up and my facebook friend who are going are talking all about it and the panels and rangers etc etc etc. I am like OMG, system over load over load over load...and it is just a matter of time and I am going to shut down....BUT I can't!!! I can't let my excitement ruin me. AND not only is getting closer to LEX BUT umm yeah LEX is right in the middle of getting closer and closer to the end of Student Teaching.... Graduation in May how about that!!! LOL!!! WOW!!! That is crazy!!! The difference between this graduation and Howard's graduation is I am actually READY to graduated. I was not ready when I graduated from HU. OMG!!! But now I am!!!! VERY MUCH SO!!!! Can you tell I am hype??  EXCITED anxiety is like the worst. I never know how this observations are gonna go...I just thank God that he has be with me through all of this, because I couldn't be doing it on my own. Because I have excelled everytime. Anyway this is just a short not to get some of this stuff off my mind. I need to get this stuff printed and make sure that I have it all together!!! 

IT'S CRUNCH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Repressed Memories: 4th Grade

I have terrible audition fright. No, I don't mean stage fright. I literally me audition fright because once I am on stage I am like Beyonce and that whole Sasha Fierce alter ego thing only I don't hide behind an alter ego, I am Dani D. the Princess of Delaware, Daniella the Pink Ranger, Danielita Valasquez or Yaki Keiko Sayuri. (Damn seems like Multi-personality disorder smh) BUT I DIGRESS...I don't audition, when in my heart of hearts, I would love to sing in public because my dog is not the best audience and I would love to act on stage maybe a small role you know, I ain't trying to be the star I just want a little taste of it, but one needs the audition right?

So I am sitting in my room singing I think Etta James and a memory popped in my head. It was the 4th grade talent show, and what I remembered was two boys on stage with Michael Jackson's Remember the Time playing and they were lip syncing and I mean like they weren't singing at all they were literally lip syncing and in my head I saw myself as that fourth grader saying to myself well I wouldn't have lip synced. I also remember some class mates saying it should have been me on stage, but it wasn't and its not because I didn't audition, but obviously because I wasn't chosen. And then it all came back. I remember bringing in my cassette tape player in and I am sure MJJ's Black or White. I was very confident, let us remember for about 9 years as in from birth to that point MJJ was all that I did listen to and all I danced to and I could do all the Michael Jackson dance moves. I was not scared or worried. I might have been a tad nervous, but over all I was like: "I got this!" I got up in front of the class and EVERYONE was like OMG it's Danielle, we KNOW she is doing MICHAEL so this will be GREAT!! I did everything including the moonwalk. But when it was all said and done, the twerp with the magic kit got to do the talent show and I got to sit in the audience. And if that wasn't bad enough it was like a total slap in my face when another teacher chose these two nerd a$$ idiots to be in the show and they looked ridiculous. The one boy lipped the song and the other did uncordinated 1990's dance moves NOT relating to MJJ at all. As I remembered all this I was like:

WAIT A MINUTE!?!?! Is this the audition that would forever keep me from other auditions? Like was it repressed and all this time I have had issues with auditions because my little 4th grade mind couldn't process what had happened? I mean it makes so much sense. I mean it is like that episode of Family Guy when they get Lois' Brother out of the home and Peter says: "Pow right in the kisser" and because of an image from his youth and that very line the dude goes ape S*** killing fat people.  I mean I really hadn't thought of that like in ever. SMH... I wondered is this the rejection that ruined my future. I mean look at the rest of my life. I always wanted to showcase myself never took the spot light. And remember that one time that I wrote that poem. I know YOU don't but I do! I wrote a poem that my class thought was awesome and the English teacher though it was garbage and pretty much told me it was crap and what did I do I stopped writing poetry, well I didn't stop completely but I keep it hidden and I don't call myself a poet, I call myself an expressionist. It wasn't until recently that I considered myself to be a Haikuist and I am not confident in it, because that teacher told me my poem sucked. (It was about the red ranger and the NEW thunderzord DAMN you my teacher must have been Rita Repulsa) I didn't repress that though, wish I had of cause damn if I wasn't really jacked (and still am) from that comment. But that 4th grade audition. WOW! I didn't think of it until now.

I really just wish I had the confidence in myself, then I would be just a tad bit more happier. I don't need to be Beyonce, I am Danielita Valasquez (well here lately I have been Sayuri) but I no one knows. They just read the blog (or not) ppl from DHS probably think of me a quiet, studious, and SERIOUS. My Howard folks probably got a better taste of the real me, loud, fun-loving, and ridiculous.

Missed chances...

My Korean Baby Daddy

This crossed my mind as I think about the moment I had at WilmU tonight. I'll just say it involved an Asian male in uniform and myself feeling like I was 12 all over again. I made eyes, he made eyes, returned to class and then my brother was finished with class and that was the end. Although in hindsight I know diddly squat about this dude and my infatuation stems from an attraction I have for Asians (since Kindergarten BTW) and overall he could have "noticed" me because I had worked myself up into a school girl frenzy straight out of a Korean Drama. "Oppa!"
  MY POINT IS, if there was more too it we will never know. Let's be hypothetical. What if he was someone I could have started something with now we never know and it reminds me of this other time that I didn't see what could have happened. "Bjong". Yeah I don't know if that his name at all, but that is what it sounded like he said, but he will forever be known as the Filipino from Durham, NC. That was also a situation where he probably was drunk and I was actually cognitive (enough to know that we were dancing in a circle) and overall meeting someone in a club is a no-no for me, but still we never know and now whenever I think about Durham or the Philippines I am like "Bjong" smh. 

I am like Yang Eun-bi (the woman) in so many ways

Ok so let's say that instead of acting like a 12 year old in the food quart of the mall, I actually acted as an adult and introduced myself or vice-versa and it led to something what could that have been? (I guess that is what I asking above) But what I am saying is what could come of it? Chances taken in the past have taught me that taking chances is ignorant and should never take place. Every chance, I don't care if it led to a 4 year relationship or a summer fling, obviously being that I am single now seems to me taking chances have led to "808s and Heartbreak." ( and the saga continues I just haven't commented about it :-/) 

What eases my mind about the "Bjong's" of the world is that I am a BIG believer of "if it is meant to be it will be" and therefore if one day I just so happen to run into the "Bjong" of Durham or the "Bjong" of Wilmington University, Dover Campus Building B then it was meant to be, but being "a little bit more seriouser" obviously nothing was meant to be.... as a matter of fact "Bjong" is not a part of my goal for this year anyway. I am not quite sure when I will be ready for that to be honest. THE CRAZY thing is I be buggin' so much about having a family, getting married, trying to get it done before I turn 40 because now yeah if that happens in the next 10 years I will be lucky. I don't want to become a "Jamona" which is Puerto Rican Slang for a women who never marries. (Yeah that is the one thing I took away from reading a memoir about a Puerto Rican writer, smh.) 

What I have learned in my 29 years(really about 11-12 years being from 18y/o- now) is that relationships are serious business especially if you are going to take them to that ultimate level and so many people either rush into such or think that because she got preggo that marriage has to occur and it jacks up a lot of people and creates a lot of problems. So overall I get sad when I think about failed relationships, more so about the time and actual care put into them, but I quickly get over it simply because I know that with every ounce of me that is ready to settle, be someone's wife and mother, there's a lot of me that's not ready. A lot of me understands some of the consequences of marriage or serious adult relationships that involve money, power and respect for lack of better terms. If I had of understood such ideas a few years ago then I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. And if I had of gotten married back, long ago, before Bey married J, before Kim Kardashian and Ray J called it quits than, I wouldn't be who I am/ about to be today and I like me now a HELLUVA lot better than the me from then.... And although I do love the person I am I still deal with confidence issues as far as being a good woman for a man, but I guess that is called baggage...smh.