Girl Next Door...She's not that bad....

I have been duped...by the media. I thought I wasn't one of those people but I am. They got me. I have been thinking that I am supposed to look like a M.A.C make up artist lives in my house to do my make up everyday and as if  my genes DON'T carry a belly fat trait. I also need long hair and also short hair, that is blonde or brown or black or pink; hazel, blue and sometimes purple eyes; perfectly round, plump lips, and behind. Also boobs, cleavage must perfect, they must be perky, nipples should be even, 34 D...etc.  And the images come at me from everywhere, its not just oh she's blonde and beautiful, actually now days the so beauty is someone who is racially ambiguous. We all seem to have the same skin tone lately.We all seem to be naturally thin as well.
 Oh the Months I spent staring at this one pic thinking, "If that is what he likes why is he into me, I am not her." And, "How can I attain what ever it is that she (Christina Milian) has?" And then look at Bad Girl RiRi... and of course BEY....she seems to be a- many a- man's dream.... Now I know what you are saying BUT Princess DD of DE, you are way involved in your "nerd" world and that can't be showing too much of the same things that the media shows.... I mean.....

 

Comic Cons/Anime Cons both have ridiculous amounts of skin and are sexual in nature as well. Apparently we like our female superheros showing skin and cosplayers probably cause many boners throughout the day at a con. LOL!!!

Well Princess DD you are way into KDrama and KPop it can't be the same overseas can it???

Its much worst actually as the Koreans are super into their skin care and skin products, the girls are gorgeous as they are "exotic" and WAY skinny... the boys are prettier than the girls. So now I am feeling intimidated as well...

Speaking of intimidation.... because for whatever reason men (and woman) are living in gyms and guys are looking like:

Leaving me to feel like with my flab I am so not worthy....

                             BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have two male friends who helped me realize that I am awesome as myself "Princess DD of DE" and that I don't have to be all of the above. First, the best compliment I have ever received in my life paraphrased: Independently I am happy/ able to be happy without the influence of another person. Something about that made me feel awesome, I guess because one of my fears is that the next time I am in a relationship I will lose myself in that person instead of having a balance of me and them. This same friend said that I was "one of a kind." I live to be unique so I guess I am doing something right.
 These were both comments made after only a brief time together, which is amazing because I have never really known what other people see in me upon meeting me. At least I gave this particular guy the right vibes. Well I do believe that I was COMPLETELY myself with this person, I was actually really comfortable with them...hmmm.... anyway (no time to day dream I spend way too much time doing that anyway) another friend of mine explained to me that I had the beauty (and I suppose personality) as the girl next door. It's kind of funny be he is the Sam to my Clarissa (wow that is a throwback but explains it so well) he said in so many words that he has gotten tired of all the girls that look "airbrushed" (for lack of a better word in an ironic twist). I was venting to him about how I've never understood my face. I have never understood why I look the way that I look. I don't think that I am ugly (at least not the way I did as a kid) but I know I am not Beyonce (even if people say so). He said that the appeal of my look is that I am like the girl next door...as in I am that "around the way girl". I am a type of beauty that although regular, a breath of fresh air in the world that gives us so many girls who are made up and over all fake. I guess I should take the fact that so many people say that I look anywhere between 16 and 22 years old into consideration LOL!! Too many times I have been confused by school faculty to be a student. I don't wear make-up as in foundation and the whole nine yards. (I wear eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow on special occasions, lipstick everyday) so when I am natural I look like: 

My friend said: Love the skin you're in.  That is a life long journey, but I am glad to have such encouraging friends to help me see my worth even though I am not like those mentioned above, over all there is something (legitimate) about me that is attractive and I need to remember to allow her to shine.

I Can't With #natural

7 months natural I look good

Fresh relaxer I look good

For about 7 months or so I was relaxer free. Now the last post I talked about how great it was going and it was...I was getting the results I wanted after washing my hair unfortunately the results didn't last and there were other factors I had to consider. 

 

1.) My Job- working with kids with disabilities requires me to get in an indoor heated pool. This is apart of their therapy. So even as a sub I swim every now and then with the kiddos. Even when I don't swim I still have to go in the pool room to help them change. When my hair gets in that room with all that hot humid air it coils up, and after straightening my hair with all that heat I don't want to have straighten it all over again.  

2.) The Summer- Even though we seem to be in a long winter, summer will emerge eventually and when it does, I will sweat and when I sweat my hair will coil up once again. Now nothing against afros or natural hair, its just that I wanted to do this and still wear my hair straightened. I like straightened hair. I also like wearing my hair crinkled or curly but as my hair started growing out I found that my edges had a different texture than what was in the middle. With that realization of the combination of sweat, heat and natural hair that summer will bring, I am sorry I can't. I am lazy. I am not going to want to do anything with hair that is thick and for me unmanageable. 

3.) Self Consciousness- Ok so since I was about 8 or 9 years old, I have gotten a relaxer. Its been so long since I have been in touch with my natural hair. Recently I really didn't know how to handle it. I missed the care free living I had with having a relaxer. 

Now many ladies who go natural are like you can do it, you can do it, just get some braids or get a full weave. One thing that I have loved about me is the fact that in my 30 years of life I have used weave about 5 times. Its not my thing. I can't pay $20-$220 for hair and then the labor of someone doing my hair in a hairstyle that I will want to get rid of in 2 weeks.  There are other scenarios I am not gonna mention I will just say that being "relaxed" is a positive in those situations.

Now please understand I am not hating on any person who chooses to have natural hair or weaves. As we use to say at Howard University, "Do you Boo." I encourage my mother to continue on her route on the natural road. Her hair and texture are nice. Her hair can handle natural. Her hair is so pretty as she gets it straightened or when she puts in the rods and comes out with curls. It works for her, but for me not so much. 

If my edges weren't such a hot mess I would embrace natural. I like the texture in the middle its wavy, it feels nice it looks night, my edges, they don't look nice, I don't look put together. 

ALSO!!!! PLEASE NO AND UNDERSTAND I AM IN NO WAY HATING ON MY AFROCENTRICITIES!!!! I am a black woman, I know it! But since Madame CJ Walker made chemicals to make my hair manageable and in a way that I prefer then Leggo!!!  

Just personal feeling. People who can handle the natural are beautiful keep it up your gorgeous, but I gotta do me! 

Why did I do this again? Natural Hair...That I don't wear natural....

I'm not sure what happened,  but this summer something must have hit me upside the head.

The truth is I must have gone through some sort of depression as I knew my time as a teacher of some of the best kids was just about over and I didn't know what, if any opportunity would come up in the future. I mean that's the only thing I can think caused me to be the person I was and could still be as I'm not sure if I'm truly out of it.

Anyway in the midst of all this I let my hair go. What do I mean??? I stopped getting a relaxer. I just started doing my own hair. Its been about 6 months. Now I didn't do the big chop (which is dangerous as the relaxed hair on the ends is weak and will break) but my roots are completely "natural". When I first wash my hair and see my edges curl up I'm just like: why??? My hair texture is amazing.... amazing in the fact that I don't understand how it can be the way it is sometimes. My edges can be compared to the Jackson 5's Afro. I mean straight up motherland type, but underneath it all waves. Waves and waves. I wish I had one texture preferably the waves as they are easier to manage. 

The reason I have continued without using a relaxer is because my hair still comes out looking like: 

The only thing that has troubled me was recently I found that humidity apparently causes my hair to um "re-coil". This could be a problem this summer, well it is already a problem because for my job I swim in a heated pool, heat and water equal humidity and re-coiling. 

Will I go back? I don't know. Maybe...Maybe not.... depends on if I want to keep having to take the time to work on my head. The thickness is difficult but I get through it.  I don't think it is any healthier than what it was with chemicals. 

I do know that I prefer my hair straight. I didn't do this because I wanted to be natural and sport a fro or locked hair. I did this to prove to myself that I could. Plus my mom was going though with her hair and I told her to stop getting a relaxer so it would only be right to do the same. 

Natural hair is just going to take a lot of extra time and effort...OH and good products...that is another problem in itself..... 

New Year, Let Him Help You!!!

Well it is a NEW YEAR and you know what that means!!! New Goals!!! Before you get it twisted I am SOOOO not saying, "New Year, New Me." Not at all because there can't be a new me, I am me no matter what BUT I can try and be a better me. Plus I think it is super important to have some goals for a new year. 

First things first!!!! Being a better person. Seriously I think in 2013 I was sort of snarly. I think there was an icebox where my heart use to be and I am not even sure why I was like that. I may need to humble myself even though I don't believe I had become arrogant or anything but humility may help me in my future. Also taming the tongue and watching my tone. I feel like I tend to say things in a very nasty tone especially in my household and that doesn't help anyone. I feel like to my students I have all the patience in the world and at home if a pin drops I am irate. I need to just think positive and walk away from the petty. 

Secondly, humbling yourself and walking positively keeping your mouth from getting nasty all needs the help of Jesus. When I first began this blog I felt like I was in a fight with myself to become a teacher. I had reasonable goals that I set and met. I did all of that God, but this past year I am feeling like I walked less with God and more on my own, which on my own I can only get to destruction and that is pretty much where I was headed. The last five months of 2013 were NOT cool. I am really going to have to slow my roll and make sometime with Jesus. That way when I feel attacks from an adversary the blows won't be as hard as they were during 2013. 

Third...Speaking of God, I really, really, really, really really REALLY NEVER wanted to go here BUT... I really need to possibly become a wife. One thing that I really have never done is prayed for a husband, I think its dumb. I've always had the patience and when I met guys who were cool but clearly not the one I also knew to fall back, knowing that the guy wasn't for me. But I am about to be 30. I think one of the biggest reasons I was ok with not being married is because I didn't want to be that girl someone has to save because she hasn't gotten herself together. Then I realize I was being just like those guys who are like, "I like you, but I really need to get myself right." Know full well you can't get right. Now I am not saying I would like to get married in 2014, I am not even saying I want to be engaged in 2014, it would be nice to just meet that person. Maybe we've already met. Who knows? I have always let God handle this aspect with asking him of anything but this time I am asking. 

At the end of the Day God really runs everything so with that being said for the fourth thing I would really like to hear from Him about my career. I know what I want, but what does God want for me? Where should I be or where is God sending me? What should I do? Like I said I know what I want, but its really not about me. 

On the personal side, I would really like to write a publish worthy novel, I need to have more confidence in myself and my writing. I need to allow my imagination to run wild. 

SO really in 2014 I need do less talking and more listening to God. He made a promise to me and I will never forget that he said not to worry because everything would be alright and that I would be happy and I am counting on it. 

2014 I am so ready! 

Pillar

Death is interesting to say the least...it seems to bring people to a lost for words. The last post I made was about a death, so I guess this is how I deal. Someone died and although you can his o-bit is on the internet for confidentiality reasons I won't say his name, but I'll note that he was a child, the littlest of our youngsters.

Death touches us all differently. Some of us grieve briefly and move on, some of us grieve for years and never truly recover. The first death I remember effecting me gravely was that of my maternal grandmother. But I guess there is something that my mother taught that makes me sort of brush off the hurt/pain and get back on the horse. I think when my paternal grandfather passed I worried more about my paternal grandmother. I was a few year wiser upon this death and I had a better understanding of how to hold it in. Although I actually cried for like a minute out loud at work, but no one was there other than my aunt and maybe one other co worker. Then I wiped my tears and got back to work.

(Michael Jackson's death is a sour note in my life that still makes me drop a tear due to the terrible situation surrounding his death, so they are not tears for death but more idolizing tears of the pop star that was...)

I allow others to grieve and I "suck it up." It's sort of like I am the pillar. People lean on me; I am the ear that listens, I cottle, I build back up. While I let you feel, I make sure I look like the brick people know me to be.

I guess I made the mistake of being a cry baby in front of the wrong people, plus I have found that people are paralyzed when I (or others) break down. Especially men (at least the ones I know) and there is nothing worst than crying and needing that pat on the back from someone who is awkwardly watching.

My mother's text Monday was: "Hold it together about, little J--, sad thing." I did just that even as I remembered how on Friday he was sitting on my lap laughing and smiling as he practiced for the up coming Special Olympics. He was grabbing the modified small soft and squishy basketball, then dunking it like the next Michael Jordan. I held it together, when I remembered how that Saturday I found out this little guy knew how to play, "peek-a-boo."
 "I notice he was putting his hands up to his eyes then bringing them down, while I was changing him, I told my mom, I finally figured out he was playing "peek-a-boo."
I can see his face while he was on the changing table with the biggest smile on his face with his very quiet laugh. I even mentioned my favorite thing to do with this kiddo, which was when he would be sitting on my lap and I would let him hold my index finger with his tiny hands. Then I would make my legs sort of bounce and move his arms ever so gently as to mock driving a horse and buggy. And I would say to him: "Oh you must drive the buggy, do you drive the buggy?" He would smile and I would stop as I worried about too much movement or excitement. No matter how much the teacher/para would say he was a tough dude and not as fragile as he looked I would still always worry that I was doing to much. I am sure if he could have talked that he would have asked: "Why'd you stop?"
If you haven't figured it out he was Amish. So I also held it together as I told a co-worker about putting his little homemade Amish coat and bonnet on his little body before we went out to get on the bus at the end of the day. 

When I walked into the school this morning I knew that I had to continue being the pillar that I am, even as I saw wheelchairs moving and I knew he wouldn't be in them; even when I walked in the classroom and saw his little shirt lying on the desk along with his o-bit.

I don't think people would blame me if I broke down, but I think I would be mad at myself, but when being a pillar you're basically holding it all in, so then when you want to feel it won't come out or worst the original feeling turns into other emotions. Basically, after working in the classroom of the student who passed and holding everything in I went to my second job and wanted to get some of it out, but by this point it had been transformed into a different emotion. So now I am here typing these words as I think about Michael Jackson's song: Gone too Soon.

Now I don't know what the Amish believe, and although there are many ideas from the Christian perspective, I can see this little guy in heaven with the other children that leave us at an early age playing and laughing and singing. Maybe he is with other little Amish children, or maybe all children are together. I guess I can see this because that is the last image I saw of him before he died. Or maybe he is an angel. Either way I can't ask why, and I can't be angry. I can only accept that this happen and hope that if he was in pain that his suffering is over. I hope that he can sit on my Grandmother's lap and "drive his buggy."

   

He Could Be Me/ I Could Be Him

So I go onto facebook to announce that my Netflix account is back up and running after fraudulent activity but my joy was soon taken as an article about Lee Thompson Young  was posted on my newsfeed from TMZ. He was found dead from what appears to be an self inflicted gun shot. He was 29. 

For those of you who don't know Lee Thompson Young played Jett Jackson on the Disney Show:  "The Famous Jett Jackson." Now I wasn't a disney kid, I grew up on Nickelodeon, but I remember every now and then catching this show on Disney and thinking wow he is a black dude with those gorgeous eyes with his own show on Disney....WOW! He went on to do other things and quite honestly I went on to be a fangirl to others. 

The reason this story about his apparent suicide affects me is because it reminded me that no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter how successful you are or how unsuccessful you are, demons follow. It is up to you whether you want to live and fight them or give up. 

For about two weeks I have been weaving in and out of depression like symptoms. I don't like that word so instead of saying depression I will say I was having some good days and some bad days. Sleep deprivation played a role, and recognizing that I am at another new beginning. New beginnings are good, but because its new its also unknown at times.  I have two new beginnings, one I am currently looking for a position as a teacher; two I am dating someone. (Good times right? a time to be proud right? a time to be happy right?) Not sure where either will lead me, but I also don't like the unknown and fear arises. I have a lot of "I'm not good enough" thoughts. Not good enough to be anything that I desire to be.... That is my demon. And as I said, no matter what, demons follow. When you have gotten comfortable and have forgotten, oh cause you forget at times, that demon will be right on top of you choking you trying to take you out. The question is: will you let him win or will you fight? 

 I am not saying that this is what was going on with Lee Thompson Young. I don't really know his story, AND it has YET to be confirmed that this was indeed suicide, but he was 29. And that struck me because we are the same age. He was 5 days older than me. He would have been 30 on February 1st. Some of us have big problems with 30, I do. I feel like there are a lot of things I am not that I wanted to be by 30. I often feel like everyone's life is moving and mine is stuck. When I saw: "He was 29" all I kept thinking was he could be me or I could be him.

I am really sad about this brother's death, but my saying is that everything happens for a reason.  When I read it I was immediately sadden, but at the same time I heard a word in it. I don't want to lose. So I have to fight. I only know one way to fight....pleading the Blood of Jesus and praying. I gotta get into the scriptures and remember the word of God, cause that's how you fight in this situation. I have all the faith in the world, but need more in myself, self doubt is just fear....

I can only hope that his man is at peace. I hope that he has found solace in the place that he is now resting. I really hope that any others that have found themselves in a situation where they feel that all hope is lost are able to find help before falling into a place in which they can't return. 
 (again I am not saying that this was the situation that Lee Thompson Young was in)

The light at the end of this tunnel is that, often at funerals a preacher gives a word and offers to whomever is there who needs Jesus to come up and become born again. I feel like to a certain degree the break of this story was sort of like a personal alter call. 

RIP Lee Thompson Young 

She's cute, but are there anymore...

***This is a draft that has been sitting here unpublished and I decided to go ahead and publish it.****

So as you know usually in the evening when I walk my dog I have these thoughts that I hurry home and have blog about, and that happened but when I came to my blogger dashboard I started second guessing my idea. I returned to Facebook saw that not much had changes in the seconds I had just been on it and being that I had browse amazon all day after a mini Zyuranger (super sentai aka power rangers) marathon I'd long tired those options. So I went back to my blogger dashboard. I saw that this young man Jozen Cummings who had gone to Howard University's School of Communications graduating about...2004 had a relatively new post for his Until I Get Married blog. When he first started the blog I read like everyday, of course I worked in front of a computer at a library and had the time. Being all about the male perspective of dating and relationships it has been interesting and blew up sending many opportunities his way. (If only we all had of had the guts to start a blog not only for themselves just to vent, but to share with others back in the day when we were blogging on myspace) Anyway, nowadays I don't read often but being that we are friends on facebook I have watch his growth from the time Vibe magazine went under and he lost his job and he started the blog to now as he is a dating reporter for the New York Post. But enough about him he posted a blog a while ago called "How My Job Taught Me To Hate Guys and Why I Need More Nice Guys" and to sum it up it was about guys being choosy as far as women and looks. In so many words he was saying that for his job with "setting" up dates the guys are always asking for "hot" women or more attractive women. He also points out that he does hear such from women. You should read it to get more details as it is linked. But it helped me to finally talk about something I have had on my mind for years probably since before high school, probably since 5th and 6th grades when you have so called "boyfriends" but all you did was talk on the phone (of course now days it texting or chatting).  I have always wondered: 

Am I that girl who guys are like, she's cute, but not enough, or I could do better?"

Now I stopped myself from posting this on his blog as a comment because if I am asking this doesn't it appear that I lack confidence in myself and that is not a good look, but I mean hey at least I am honest. The truth is I am not very confident in my looks, never have been. I can remember living in base housing and feeling like I am not very attractive and I was probably 8 or 9. (It's terrible but hey the first step is getting it out, right). Of course it never gets better, how could it when I started getting the acne in 7th and 8th grade (btw that never went away) then glasses in 10th grade. The only thing I had going in high school is the fact that as time went on I became the upper class men and freshmen carried a torch for me (that sounds way over the top but I don't know how else to explain it). That has nothing to do with looks just admiration, just like I admired seniors when I was a freshmen. In college I didn't think about it much because I was with someone for the most part. Howard was an outer body experience. I mean I just felt confident in general. BUT I know I had issues in general stuff you don't figure out until you are away from home and around new people lol. I was in a relationship for the most and the sun rose and set in him so it didn't matter whether I was gorgeous or looked like a martian I was sustained in me. Well actually I wasn't I was very insecure not about normal girls but famous women, I mean to this day I can't look at Christiana Milian with a smile, but I think my blog for that is back on MySpace. 
So yeah I have always wondered am I a girl who a guy is like she is cute but that one over there is gorgeous. And at the sametime I am choosy but more so about "conditions" than looks. For instance, If a guy tries to talk to me randomly, he will get a friendly: "No thank you." Now if he is gorgeous then I will consider it, but when do the so- called gorgeous guys speak to me? When it does happen I get all flabbergasted. (April 1st 2010 will never forget it). I am guilty of talking randoms from the internet but I mean they seemed legit, but they are also the reason why I don't do it anymore. I prefer to build with people I actually already know so if someone from CMS, Dover High, or Howard, got at me I would entertain the idea, but not really cause I remember those guys and I sort of feel like I am in a "Look at me now" situation, where although I am still that geeky girl you remember in high school my curves are in all the right places and my hair is real.

And now with in my attempts to date outside of my race I am hit with a plethora of other insecurities about how to dance bachata, is it ok if my hair is kinky, or remembering to slurp my ramen as to not insult the cook.  

When it comes to looks I feel the same way I felt in elementary school when they pick teams for kickball, "Don't be last Don't be last." But you know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and to be honest I as I have grown up I don't date based on looks. I date based how do I feel when I am with this person? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated? (Really I am look to see if he makes any mistakes the last guy made so I can promptly give him the boot. SMH!)

The Gym, My Disdain, and Why I will keep paying....

It was 5th grade....

We all stood in our rows for Volleyball during PE also know as GYM. Looking back I was incredibly awkward. All the kids in the class had grown up together at West Elementary, East Elementary, South Elementary, Hartly or Fairview. I was was from Arnold and Welch Elm. on the other side of town in the opposing district. I swear if I had of stayed in that district I would have become a cheerleader, voted most popular, and overall more out going. At William Henry I was not and in this district I would never be any of that...at the impressionable time of 5th and 6th grade I soon learned that I was the epitome of wack/geek/dork/nerd. Nothing about me was cool. And I didn't try to be anything, but wack/geek/dork/nerd...I loved two "things" Michael Jackson and Power Rangers although by the sixth grade I tried to put those things away to start seeing what the other kids liked...but I digress...back to the GYM...the other side was serving. They hit the ball... it came over...in my direction...and...bop! Hit me in the head. Laughter fell upon the group as I probably did something silly to get through the embarrassment. And that is what the Gym means to me...embarrassment.

It continues....

I am like 30 years and 2 months old and the Gym continues to mean this to me.  Even though in the adult gym there are like a zillion treadmills and bunch of other apparatus that the guys use and a little section for girls like me, I still feel like the Volleyball is hitting me. I still feel the urge to use comic relief to assist in my embarrassment even though no one is watching me. I feel like my body is quite odd, I am 5'1.5" in height. My arms length from my fingertips to my shoulder is at least 2'4" My legs from hip to feet are 2'11''. Those numbers sound small, but I look lanky and I am short so I just look weird. My mom is always saying you have really long arms, and a lady noticed my arms were long. I also have big feet for someone of my height. This is the things the folks on my dad's side are 5'9-5'10, the folks on my mom's side, 4'11'', 4'9''.  My great grand and my grandma were those heights. Put it to you like this...I am a petite who can't wear petite sizes because the length of the sleeves are "young" and the pants are always high waters.....

Apparatus...

Then what do I know about a gym? Yeah I took weight training at Howard...that was cake walk, I just did what I normally do, Lucille Ball/ blonde. Its easier. I always feel like I am doing it wrong. Like what is the correct form for a push up, or a crunch or a sit up. Do you use this for arms? Which weight should I use and at the gym even though there are "workers" asking them would be too much like right? LOL!!!

 

 Partners...

My mom is always like we should go to the gym on base.  She always says it's better when you have someone to go with you and I'm like to myself saying "Whatever, I do everything SOLO DOLO!!!!" That

is me as a matter of fact my nickname should be Dans Solo (Star Wars Humor). I have gone to club solo dolo, I go shopping solo dolo, I talk to me...(I know that's cray) but you know what I don't have anybody and I find that when I do it is a freaking wreck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like shopping with a buddy can be terrible. If you are broke so you know you can't shop hard core, but you friend is ballin' you will find yourself in Neimans like I can't afford to look at these things. Vice-versa. BUT...aren't things a lot more fun when done with a pal? I really probably need to get a gym pal, but who? I walk my pals (dogs) everyday or at least try. Guess what they do? Stop in this really nice yard down the street and lays in their grass, like we aren't going for a walk....FAIL!

 Why is it all about WEIGHTS? 

At HU I got up to about 55-65 lbs on the bench press...yeah I am back to just the bar. What I look like lifting? A girl. That's how I look. Ok so they have yoga classes and aerobics...hello um Little Miss Awkward. WHY don't they have like volleyball class. I know this is hilarious, but ASIDE from the humiliation from middle school I love Volleyball, and GET THIS...I grew up playing tennis. Like I had lessons!! And I like to think that I was good at it. But that is what gym should be games of some sort of indoor sporting. You may be saying: "well there are leagues and city of Dover type things for that..." yeah I know I signed up for Tennis about a year or two ago and they mailed me my check back saying that they NO ONE ELSE SIGNED UP, just me. What a dork!!!

 

This is my sport right here!

I pay $10 bucks every month and I will keep paying....

I couldn't tell you the last time I was at the gym, but I keep paying like a dummy. But it seems like all 30 years old need a membership. Seriously "gyming" became a fad and I got my trendy membership so now I am trendy. I guess its adult me still trying to fit in.... Plus I am forever saying I need to go. The initiative/motivation is not there. It's actually really dumb because $120 plus that one time fee in January could by me alot of dresses and shoes....it is also a payment towards a bill, but I am an American I don't have number sense or smarts for money...I only understand capital capital capital....

I'll go...but today is not the day....

I still love Michael and Power Rangers...so I am pretty sure I am still that awkward little girl...and as I get older I am becoming more awkward. I am like where'd these boobs come from...why do I now need a REAL sports bras?  Everything thing jiggles, but hey if you don't go in the first place then of course it all jiggles. Sneakers? Reebok? Nike? Who are they? Ok I am over exaggerating but let's face it the last pair of sneakers I bought were wedge heels for style not running.

To tattoo or not to tattoo...THAT is the question?!?!?!?!

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4641352332948409936#editor/target=post;postID=2708228528244890616Nowadays er'body and their mom have tattoos. I don't. And that's ok. And I could die today and be completely satisfied with being tattoo-less, BUT...

I've always said I want a butterfly tattoo on my butt

 Now I am like maybe not on my butt, but somewhere. Is it sad that my thing for butterflies came about from the same album I talk about in the last blog...Mariah and Butterfly...but it wasn't the song that inspired me. 

It would actually happen later on in life when Mariah started flaunting her gold and silver butterfly rings. 

 

Those rings were glamorous and shinny. From there I was all about butterflies...and for me it started with just rings and grew to necklaces and then earrings and now most people identify the butterfly with me too. LOL!!! Moving on...the point is I don't think the butterfly will be leaving my life...and if I had one tatted on me I wouldn't look at it 20 years from now and be like: Damn, WHY!!!! Plus I am already almost 30...my frontal lobe should be fully developed and I should be able to handle a decision. So then the problem? Permanency. Tattoos are pretty much forever and one thing about me I am not a forever person. (I guess in marriage but I am not married now so...go figure). I don't get weaves or braids now because 2 weeks to 3 months is too long for my hair to stay the same. My nail polish color changes almost every two days...a week if I'm slippin' so how will i feel when I can't wash the tat away? 

The next problem is, the tattoo artist. Obviously this is someone you trust. In a shop that is clean cause Hepatitis spreads with tats my friend. Not to mention the other STDs/Is that are passed through blood. I think this was my mom's biggest concern. I am more concerned about the person in charge to do the tat. I know a place but I still hesitate. 

Money and Pain are not a concern. Money I am starting to make a little here and there to spare, and $50 to $100 on something would just mean I don't have $50 to $100 to spend on more shoes and clothes. Pain...hahaha...what pain...when it comes to pain I am a G...because I have been through pain....

I think this is pretty.

Now the question is where can it go?  When I told my ex about having a butterfly tat on the boo-tae he was too thrilled more like annoyed with the thought. Problem with tats are the fact to a small portion of people they are still slightly unprofessional. I am a teacher and no one thinks of their teacher to have tats, at least I don't. To be honest my idea of a tat is for it to be in a place where only my boyfriend/husband can enjoy it. Hence the photo seen here.... 

So legs, arms, hands, feet, shoulders, upper back, and ankles all out of the question. That leaves the tummy, thighs, and the lower back aka the tramp stamp...OUT of the question as well!!! Once again hence the pic, I love it, but to have a tattoo artist that close to my lil princess is not so cool. There has to be a good medium here. Over I am really thinking about it like really thinking, not just saying: "Oh I want a tat." Like really thinking! To decide. It a big decision, for me at least. But when I look at the butterfly I feel it could happen....

How Mariah Carey ruined my 4th of July

Fourth of July

By: Mariah Carey 
Trembling 
starry eyed 
As you put your hand in mine
 
It was twilight  
On the fourth of July 
Sparkling colors were Strewn across the sky 
 And we sat close enough 
 That we just barely touched
  While Roman candles
  Went soaring above us and baby
Then you put your hand in mine 
And we wandered away
  I was trembling inside  
But I wanted to stay, stay  
Pressed against you there 
And leave the world behind 
On that fourth of July

This song is featured on one of Mariah's best albums "Butterfly," which came out when I was an impressionable 14 going on 15 year old. I was awkward and wished that I could be "hot" but was NOT! I dreamed of  boys and boyfriends, but it was a different time and 14 years old weren't so damn grown, ok really I wasn't "grown" and I really wasn't that visible in school. Regardless of my popularity or lack thereof I had this album in heavy rotation. One reason was for the fact that a friend I lost to a move loved MC and the other reason being that this just a damn good record. My fascination with all things mariah began here. Fourth of July is a song not to be released as a single, a hidden secret if you will; being that if you weren't a fan and didn't listen to the album you would have missed out. After hearing this song and envisioning two young people together (me and Marques Houston) on the 4th of July, I thought about being in love, holding hands, watching fireworks, eating cotton candy or icecream together, embraced in each other's arms on the green in Dover...etc etc....lovely right...yeah....

Well...IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I understand the years that I was a "little girl" not allowed to "date" for most of those years, but from 18 until now...the 4th of July has usually been on of the most depressing days for me EVER!!!!!! More than freaking Valentines Day, I guess cause I have gotten a Valentine from my mom since I was a little girl and now as an adult I really try to do as much for my mom and bro not any "love".... I don't know Valentines Day takes a step back cause my BDay is the week before. I think Christmas is my next fave that would be a tad better with a "love" but I do so much for myself and my fam once again the lack of a love interest is no biggie. The 4th of July is nothing more that Fireworks and a moment that the USA acts like we really love our country and the independence that we have here. BUT because of this song, I built it up to be more, I built it up to be a romantic date. I built it into a night where you are with someone and that's the night you know you love them, I built it into so much more...the 4th of July is my Valentines Day. The 4th in my mind is like the night "he proposed". All from one song (which doesn't discuss proposing as it seems to be about two young people on the verge of a first love experience)...but imagination is a "helluva drug."  

 

 So starry eyed   

On the flowery hillside   

Breathless and fervid  

Amid the dandelions  

As it swept over me  

Like the wind trough the trees  

I felt you sigh with a   

Sweet intensity and baby

Then you put your hand in mine 

And we floated away 

Delicately lay entwined  

In an intimate daze 

A crescent moon began to shine 

And I wanted to stay  

Tangled up with you among the fireflies 

On that fourth of July

 

With my imagination taking off and my love life lacking the fourth of july is more like bubbles bursting and not fireworks.  Last year was an argument with the fam, because they don't need fireworks to celebrate. They don't need to be on the green...I need all of that...so I found myself on the green alone, so not only was I without a BF I was without those I care about....I will never forget the 4th I was with a boyfriend in tears because we didn't share the same enthusiasm for the 4th. I wanted to be in his arms he wanted to be home. Ok so what about when there was a new boyfriend...oh it was everything I wanted minus the "love" we had a great time but our relationship was more like being buddies...(no not FBs either!!!!) 

Thunder clouds

       Hung around  

          So threateningly 

              Ominously hovering 

                     And the sky 

                       Opened wide 

                           Showering
                              Then you put your hand in mine 

                                 And we ran from the rain 

                                    Tentatively kissed goodnight

                                       And went our separate ways

                                              And I've never truly felt the way that I Felt the fourth of July

 

So today is the 4th again...I haven't talked to my fam about plans...looks like it will be any other normal day...I am really trying to fake myself into believing such...its just a regular day with fireworks...yeah real regular. I guess I really need to grow out of the idea....I  believe it can happen, but it won't be today....part of me wants to boycott fireworks (just don't go), but the other part of me know how depressed I will be if i don't go....I thought of going on my own...without anyone, but the time between the parade and the "show" and the fireworks is LONG alone OMG!!! I want to have a better outlook and I want to try to keep from having issues this year. SO maybe I will go and take a notebook and write a story about Danielle and Marques (Houston) for old time sakes. BWAHAHAHA! 

 

Take a listen::::