The Gym, My Disdain, and Why I will keep paying....

It was 5th grade....

We all stood in our rows for Volleyball during PE also know as GYM. Looking back I was incredibly awkward. All the kids in the class had grown up together at West Elementary, East Elementary, South Elementary, Hartly or Fairview. I was was from Arnold and Welch Elm. on the other side of town in the opposing district. I swear if I had of stayed in that district I would have become a cheerleader, voted most popular, and overall more out going. At William Henry I was not and in this district I would never be any of that...at the impressionable time of 5th and 6th grade I soon learned that I was the epitome of wack/geek/dork/nerd. Nothing about me was cool. And I didn't try to be anything, but wack/geek/dork/nerd...I loved two "things" Michael Jackson and Power Rangers although by the sixth grade I tried to put those things away to start seeing what the other kids liked...but I digress...back to the GYM...the other side was serving. They hit the ball... it came over...in my direction...and...bop! Hit me in the head. Laughter fell upon the group as I probably did something silly to get through the embarrassment. And that is what the Gym means to me...embarrassment.

It continues....

I am like 30 years and 2 months old and the Gym continues to mean this to me.  Even though in the adult gym there are like a zillion treadmills and bunch of other apparatus that the guys use and a little section for girls like me, I still feel like the Volleyball is hitting me. I still feel the urge to use comic relief to assist in my embarrassment even though no one is watching me. I feel like my body is quite odd, I am 5'1.5" in height. My arms length from my fingertips to my shoulder is at least 2'4" My legs from hip to feet are 2'11''. Those numbers sound small, but I look lanky and I am short so I just look weird. My mom is always saying you have really long arms, and a lady noticed my arms were long. I also have big feet for someone of my height. This is the things the folks on my dad's side are 5'9-5'10, the folks on my mom's side, 4'11'', 4'9''.  My great grand and my grandma were those heights. Put it to you like this...I am a petite who can't wear petite sizes because the length of the sleeves are "young" and the pants are always high waters.....

Apparatus...

Then what do I know about a gym? Yeah I took weight training at Howard...that was cake walk, I just did what I normally do, Lucille Ball/ blonde. Its easier. I always feel like I am doing it wrong. Like what is the correct form for a push up, or a crunch or a sit up. Do you use this for arms? Which weight should I use and at the gym even though there are "workers" asking them would be too much like right? LOL!!!

 

 Partners...

My mom is always like we should go to the gym on base.  She always says it's better when you have someone to go with you and I'm like to myself saying "Whatever, I do everything SOLO DOLO!!!!" That

is me as a matter of fact my nickname should be Dans Solo (Star Wars Humor). I have gone to club solo dolo, I go shopping solo dolo, I talk to me...(I know that's cray) but you know what I don't have anybody and I find that when I do it is a freaking wreck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like shopping with a buddy can be terrible. If you are broke so you know you can't shop hard core, but you friend is ballin' you will find yourself in Neimans like I can't afford to look at these things. Vice-versa. BUT...aren't things a lot more fun when done with a pal? I really probably need to get a gym pal, but who? I walk my pals (dogs) everyday or at least try. Guess what they do? Stop in this really nice yard down the street and lays in their grass, like we aren't going for a walk....FAIL!

 Why is it all about WEIGHTS? 

At HU I got up to about 55-65 lbs on the bench press...yeah I am back to just the bar. What I look like lifting? A girl. That's how I look. Ok so they have yoga classes and aerobics...hello um Little Miss Awkward. WHY don't they have like volleyball class. I know this is hilarious, but ASIDE from the humiliation from middle school I love Volleyball, and GET THIS...I grew up playing tennis. Like I had lessons!! And I like to think that I was good at it. But that is what gym should be games of some sort of indoor sporting. You may be saying: "well there are leagues and city of Dover type things for that..." yeah I know I signed up for Tennis about a year or two ago and they mailed me my check back saying that they NO ONE ELSE SIGNED UP, just me. What a dork!!!

 

This is my sport right here!

I pay $10 bucks every month and I will keep paying....

I couldn't tell you the last time I was at the gym, but I keep paying like a dummy. But it seems like all 30 years old need a membership. Seriously "gyming" became a fad and I got my trendy membership so now I am trendy. I guess its adult me still trying to fit in.... Plus I am forever saying I need to go. The initiative/motivation is not there. It's actually really dumb because $120 plus that one time fee in January could by me alot of dresses and shoes....it is also a payment towards a bill, but I am an American I don't have number sense or smarts for money...I only understand capital capital capital....

I'll go...but today is not the day....

I still love Michael and Power Rangers...so I am pretty sure I am still that awkward little girl...and as I get older I am becoming more awkward. I am like where'd these boobs come from...why do I now need a REAL sports bras?  Everything thing jiggles, but hey if you don't go in the first place then of course it all jiggles. Sneakers? Reebok? Nike? Who are they? Ok I am over exaggerating but let's face it the last pair of sneakers I bought were wedge heels for style not running.

To tattoo or not to tattoo...THAT is the question?!?!?!?!

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4641352332948409936#editor/target=post;postID=2708228528244890616Nowadays er'body and their mom have tattoos. I don't. And that's ok. And I could die today and be completely satisfied with being tattoo-less, BUT...

I've always said I want a butterfly tattoo on my butt

 Now I am like maybe not on my butt, but somewhere. Is it sad that my thing for butterflies came about from the same album I talk about in the last blog...Mariah and Butterfly...but it wasn't the song that inspired me. 

It would actually happen later on in life when Mariah started flaunting her gold and silver butterfly rings. 

 

Those rings were glamorous and shinny. From there I was all about butterflies...and for me it started with just rings and grew to necklaces and then earrings and now most people identify the butterfly with me too. LOL!!! Moving on...the point is I don't think the butterfly will be leaving my life...and if I had one tatted on me I wouldn't look at it 20 years from now and be like: Damn, WHY!!!! Plus I am already almost 30...my frontal lobe should be fully developed and I should be able to handle a decision. So then the problem? Permanency. Tattoos are pretty much forever and one thing about me I am not a forever person. (I guess in marriage but I am not married now so...go figure). I don't get weaves or braids now because 2 weeks to 3 months is too long for my hair to stay the same. My nail polish color changes almost every two days...a week if I'm slippin' so how will i feel when I can't wash the tat away? 

The next problem is, the tattoo artist. Obviously this is someone you trust. In a shop that is clean cause Hepatitis spreads with tats my friend. Not to mention the other STDs/Is that are passed through blood. I think this was my mom's biggest concern. I am more concerned about the person in charge to do the tat. I know a place but I still hesitate. 

Money and Pain are not a concern. Money I am starting to make a little here and there to spare, and $50 to $100 on something would just mean I don't have $50 to $100 to spend on more shoes and clothes. Pain...hahaha...what pain...when it comes to pain I am a G...because I have been through pain....

I think this is pretty.

Now the question is where can it go?  When I told my ex about having a butterfly tat on the boo-tae he was too thrilled more like annoyed with the thought. Problem with tats are the fact to a small portion of people they are still slightly unprofessional. I am a teacher and no one thinks of their teacher to have tats, at least I don't. To be honest my idea of a tat is for it to be in a place where only my boyfriend/husband can enjoy it. Hence the photo seen here.... 

So legs, arms, hands, feet, shoulders, upper back, and ankles all out of the question. That leaves the tummy, thighs, and the lower back aka the tramp stamp...OUT of the question as well!!! Once again hence the pic, I love it, but to have a tattoo artist that close to my lil princess is not so cool. There has to be a good medium here. Over I am really thinking about it like really thinking, not just saying: "Oh I want a tat." Like really thinking! To decide. It a big decision, for me at least. But when I look at the butterfly I feel it could happen....

How Mariah Carey ruined my 4th of July

Fourth of July

By: Mariah Carey 
Trembling 
starry eyed 
As you put your hand in mine
 
It was twilight  
On the fourth of July 
Sparkling colors were Strewn across the sky 
 And we sat close enough 
 That we just barely touched
  While Roman candles
  Went soaring above us and baby
Then you put your hand in mine 
And we wandered away
  I was trembling inside  
But I wanted to stay, stay  
Pressed against you there 
And leave the world behind 
On that fourth of July

This song is featured on one of Mariah's best albums "Butterfly," which came out when I was an impressionable 14 going on 15 year old. I was awkward and wished that I could be "hot" but was NOT! I dreamed of  boys and boyfriends, but it was a different time and 14 years old weren't so damn grown, ok really I wasn't "grown" and I really wasn't that visible in school. Regardless of my popularity or lack thereof I had this album in heavy rotation. One reason was for the fact that a friend I lost to a move loved MC and the other reason being that this just a damn good record. My fascination with all things mariah began here. Fourth of July is a song not to be released as a single, a hidden secret if you will; being that if you weren't a fan and didn't listen to the album you would have missed out. After hearing this song and envisioning two young people together (me and Marques Houston) on the 4th of July, I thought about being in love, holding hands, watching fireworks, eating cotton candy or icecream together, embraced in each other's arms on the green in Dover...etc etc....lovely right...yeah....

Well...IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I understand the years that I was a "little girl" not allowed to "date" for most of those years, but from 18 until now...the 4th of July has usually been on of the most depressing days for me EVER!!!!!! More than freaking Valentines Day, I guess cause I have gotten a Valentine from my mom since I was a little girl and now as an adult I really try to do as much for my mom and bro not any "love".... I don't know Valentines Day takes a step back cause my BDay is the week before. I think Christmas is my next fave that would be a tad better with a "love" but I do so much for myself and my fam once again the lack of a love interest is no biggie. The 4th of July is nothing more that Fireworks and a moment that the USA acts like we really love our country and the independence that we have here. BUT because of this song, I built it up to be more, I built it up to be a romantic date. I built it into a night where you are with someone and that's the night you know you love them, I built it into so much more...the 4th of July is my Valentines Day. The 4th in my mind is like the night "he proposed". All from one song (which doesn't discuss proposing as it seems to be about two young people on the verge of a first love experience)...but imagination is a "helluva drug."  

 

 So starry eyed   

On the flowery hillside   

Breathless and fervid  

Amid the dandelions  

As it swept over me  

Like the wind trough the trees  

I felt you sigh with a   

Sweet intensity and baby

Then you put your hand in mine 

And we floated away 

Delicately lay entwined  

In an intimate daze 

A crescent moon began to shine 

And I wanted to stay  

Tangled up with you among the fireflies 

On that fourth of July

 

With my imagination taking off and my love life lacking the fourth of july is more like bubbles bursting and not fireworks.  Last year was an argument with the fam, because they don't need fireworks to celebrate. They don't need to be on the green...I need all of that...so I found myself on the green alone, so not only was I without a BF I was without those I care about....I will never forget the 4th I was with a boyfriend in tears because we didn't share the same enthusiasm for the 4th. I wanted to be in his arms he wanted to be home. Ok so what about when there was a new boyfriend...oh it was everything I wanted minus the "love" we had a great time but our relationship was more like being buddies...(no not FBs either!!!!) 

Thunder clouds

       Hung around  

          So threateningly 

              Ominously hovering 

                     And the sky 

                       Opened wide 

                           Showering
                              Then you put your hand in mine 

                                 And we ran from the rain 

                                    Tentatively kissed goodnight

                                       And went our separate ways

                                              And I've never truly felt the way that I Felt the fourth of July

 

So today is the 4th again...I haven't talked to my fam about plans...looks like it will be any other normal day...I am really trying to fake myself into believing such...its just a regular day with fireworks...yeah real regular. I guess I really need to grow out of the idea....I  believe it can happen, but it won't be today....part of me wants to boycott fireworks (just don't go), but the other part of me know how depressed I will be if i don't go....I thought of going on my own...without anyone, but the time between the parade and the "show" and the fireworks is LONG alone OMG!!! I want to have a better outlook and I want to try to keep from having issues this year. SO maybe I will go and take a notebook and write a story about Danielle and Marques (Houston) for old time sakes. BWAHAHAHA! 

 

Take a listen:::: 

 

 

 

Been Putting This Off...

You would think that I would have finished a blog by now discussing all the exciting things that have occur since February, but I can up with excuse after excuse and I don't know why.... This blog was started to go over the situations or fulfilling journeys I learn from or my achievements...I really just didn't know what to say, but since its been a while I can do a time line of events starting with....

1.) Student Teaching
     -In the last blog I was saying something about student teaching killing me...but it was my excitement for Lexington Toy and Comic Con (we will get to that) but student teaching was an awesome experience. First of all I was working under the advisement of the Teacher of the Year for the school. Second with as many doubts that I had about myself as I began and as I continued in student teaching everytime my advisor came to observe my teaching I received positive feedback and scores that said I was doing above average as a beginning. Student teaching was an excellent time for me! Very positive!! 

2.) Lexington Toy and Comic Con YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Such an amazing convention. I am really meeting my goal, I have met Tommy, Zack, Billy of the original 6 MMPR cast. Of the second sort of original MMPR cast, I met: Aiesha and Kat. But then I met other rangers and it was amazing. My Power Ranger goal isn't quite complete and it has become quite addicting. I need to meet Adam (Johnny Yong Bosch) like BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to go to the next morphicon as well!!!!

3.) Temporary Sub...
Yeah that happened, I finished student teaching and they place me in a classroom where a teacher had an accident causing her to be out for the rest of the school year. You know everything happens for a reason. Another very positive getting my feet wet experience. I actually wrote and helped to write Official IEPs. Great stuff I can add to the resume. 

4.) Graduation, Master's  of Special Education...get 'em!!!

5.) Summer School
   Yes I got a  position as a teacher!!!! Doing the teacher thing is slightly difficult but that's just because of stuff like what I am doing right now...staying up late bull jiving...I mean blogging, other nights its KDrama. I love it though! I am sorry it took me so long to find teaching. 


Now you know what the next huddle is...mmmhmmm getting that position for the school year....everything has already fallen into place so I will continue to have faith and believe that everything will continue to fall into place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the beginning...

Earn my master's of special education.... I DID IT!!!! 

Sleepless nights....

Ugh...student teaching is ruining my life...so is Lexington Comic and Toy Con. SMH! 

Ok so those things really aren't but I am still awake for two reasons, I really really really should be reviewing and printing my lesson plans for tomorrows sort of random a$$ informal observation. Obviously I am not doing that. And my mind is so like crazy about Lexington which is like coming up and my facebook friend who are going are talking all about it and the panels and rangers etc etc etc. I am like OMG, system over load over load over load...and it is just a matter of time and I am going to shut down....BUT I can't!!! I can't let my excitement ruin me. AND not only is getting closer to LEX BUT umm yeah LEX is right in the middle of getting closer and closer to the end of Student Teaching.... Graduation in May how about that!!! LOL!!! WOW!!! That is crazy!!! The difference between this graduation and Howard's graduation is I am actually READY to graduated. I was not ready when I graduated from HU. OMG!!! But now I am!!!! VERY MUCH SO!!!! Can you tell I am hype??  EXCITED anxiety is like the worst. I never know how this observations are gonna go...I just thank God that he has be with me through all of this, because I couldn't be doing it on my own. Because I have excelled everytime. Anyway this is just a short not to get some of this stuff off my mind. I need to get this stuff printed and make sure that I have it all together!!! 

IT'S CRUNCH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Repressed Memories: 4th Grade

I have terrible audition fright. No, I don't mean stage fright. I literally me audition fright because once I am on stage I am like Beyonce and that whole Sasha Fierce alter ego thing only I don't hide behind an alter ego, I am Dani D. the Princess of Delaware, Daniella the Pink Ranger, Danielita Valasquez or Yaki Keiko Sayuri. (Damn seems like Multi-personality disorder smh) BUT I DIGRESS...I don't audition, when in my heart of hearts, I would love to sing in public because my dog is not the best audience and I would love to act on stage maybe a small role you know, I ain't trying to be the star I just want a little taste of it, but one needs the audition right?

So I am sitting in my room singing I think Etta James and a memory popped in my head. It was the 4th grade talent show, and what I remembered was two boys on stage with Michael Jackson's Remember the Time playing and they were lip syncing and I mean like they weren't singing at all they were literally lip syncing and in my head I saw myself as that fourth grader saying to myself well I wouldn't have lip synced. I also remember some class mates saying it should have been me on stage, but it wasn't and its not because I didn't audition, but obviously because I wasn't chosen. And then it all came back. I remember bringing in my cassette tape player in and I am sure MJJ's Black or White. I was very confident, let us remember for about 9 years as in from birth to that point MJJ was all that I did listen to and all I danced to and I could do all the Michael Jackson dance moves. I was not scared or worried. I might have been a tad nervous, but over all I was like: "I got this!" I got up in front of the class and EVERYONE was like OMG it's Danielle, we KNOW she is doing MICHAEL so this will be GREAT!! I did everything including the moonwalk. But when it was all said and done, the twerp with the magic kit got to do the talent show and I got to sit in the audience. And if that wasn't bad enough it was like a total slap in my face when another teacher chose these two nerd a$$ idiots to be in the show and they looked ridiculous. The one boy lipped the song and the other did uncordinated 1990's dance moves NOT relating to MJJ at all. As I remembered all this I was like:

WAIT A MINUTE!?!?! Is this the audition that would forever keep me from other auditions? Like was it repressed and all this time I have had issues with auditions because my little 4th grade mind couldn't process what had happened? I mean it makes so much sense. I mean it is like that episode of Family Guy when they get Lois' Brother out of the home and Peter says: "Pow right in the kisser" and because of an image from his youth and that very line the dude goes ape S*** killing fat people.  I mean I really hadn't thought of that like in ever. SMH... I wondered is this the rejection that ruined my future. I mean look at the rest of my life. I always wanted to showcase myself never took the spot light. And remember that one time that I wrote that poem. I know YOU don't but I do! I wrote a poem that my class thought was awesome and the English teacher though it was garbage and pretty much told me it was crap and what did I do I stopped writing poetry, well I didn't stop completely but I keep it hidden and I don't call myself a poet, I call myself an expressionist. It wasn't until recently that I considered myself to be a Haikuist and I am not confident in it, because that teacher told me my poem sucked. (It was about the red ranger and the NEW thunderzord DAMN you my teacher must have been Rita Repulsa) I didn't repress that though, wish I had of cause damn if I wasn't really jacked (and still am) from that comment. But that 4th grade audition. WOW! I didn't think of it until now.

I really just wish I had the confidence in myself, then I would be just a tad bit more happier. I don't need to be Beyonce, I am Danielita Valasquez (well here lately I have been Sayuri) but I no one knows. They just read the blog (or not) ppl from DHS probably think of me a quiet, studious, and SERIOUS. My Howard folks probably got a better taste of the real me, loud, fun-loving, and ridiculous.

Missed chances...

My Korean Baby Daddy

This crossed my mind as I think about the moment I had at WilmU tonight. I'll just say it involved an Asian male in uniform and myself feeling like I was 12 all over again. I made eyes, he made eyes, returned to class and then my brother was finished with class and that was the end. Although in hindsight I know diddly squat about this dude and my infatuation stems from an attraction I have for Asians (since Kindergarten BTW) and overall he could have "noticed" me because I had worked myself up into a school girl frenzy straight out of a Korean Drama. "Oppa!"
  MY POINT IS, if there was more too it we will never know. Let's be hypothetical. What if he was someone I could have started something with now we never know and it reminds me of this other time that I didn't see what could have happened. "Bjong". Yeah I don't know if that his name at all, but that is what it sounded like he said, but he will forever be known as the Filipino from Durham, NC. That was also a situation where he probably was drunk and I was actually cognitive (enough to know that we were dancing in a circle) and overall meeting someone in a club is a no-no for me, but still we never know and now whenever I think about Durham or the Philippines I am like "Bjong" smh. 

I am like Yang Eun-bi (the woman) in so many ways

Ok so let's say that instead of acting like a 12 year old in the food quart of the mall, I actually acted as an adult and introduced myself or vice-versa and it led to something what could that have been? (I guess that is what I asking above) But what I am saying is what could come of it? Chances taken in the past have taught me that taking chances is ignorant and should never take place. Every chance, I don't care if it led to a 4 year relationship or a summer fling, obviously being that I am single now seems to me taking chances have led to "808s and Heartbreak." ( and the saga continues I just haven't commented about it :-/) 

What eases my mind about the "Bjong's" of the world is that I am a BIG believer of "if it is meant to be it will be" and therefore if one day I just so happen to run into the "Bjong" of Durham or the "Bjong" of Wilmington University, Dover Campus Building B then it was meant to be, but being "a little bit more seriouser" obviously nothing was meant to be.... as a matter of fact "Bjong" is not a part of my goal for this year anyway. I am not quite sure when I will be ready for that to be honest. THE CRAZY thing is I be buggin' so much about having a family, getting married, trying to get it done before I turn 40 because now yeah if that happens in the next 10 years I will be lucky. I don't want to become a "Jamona" which is Puerto Rican Slang for a women who never marries. (Yeah that is the one thing I took away from reading a memoir about a Puerto Rican writer, smh.) 

What I have learned in my 29 years(really about 11-12 years being from 18y/o- now) is that relationships are serious business especially if you are going to take them to that ultimate level and so many people either rush into such or think that because she got preggo that marriage has to occur and it jacks up a lot of people and creates a lot of problems. So overall I get sad when I think about failed relationships, more so about the time and actual care put into them, but I quickly get over it simply because I know that with every ounce of me that is ready to settle, be someone's wife and mother, there's a lot of me that's not ready. A lot of me understands some of the consequences of marriage or serious adult relationships that involve money, power and respect for lack of better terms. If I had of understood such ideas a few years ago then I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. And if I had of gotten married back, long ago, before Bey married J, before Kim Kardashian and Ray J called it quits than, I wouldn't be who I am/ about to be today and I like me now a HELLUVA lot better than the me from then.... And although I do love the person I am I still deal with confidence issues as far as being a good woman for a man, but I guess that is called baggage...smh.

What the picture of the cat in a frame tells me...

She needs the Django and the "jango" is silent. SMH.... Someone recently found their way into my life. She and I share some commonalities like being self-proclaimed nerds. Anime, Comics,(Power Rangers) Bookworms...etc. But recently I was told that this person is basically neurotic. In other words this chick has her panties in a bunch, but no one has given her anything to be all razzle dazzled yet. In my pressence I did see some ADD behavior and some comments made me think that she either takes a pill or is in need of one, but one thing helped me realize that what she really needed was the D. A framed picture of a pet cat....smh. Now I don't know the background story for this picture, maybe it was a beloved cat that died. But if its a current pet then it leads me to this post. 

One thing I remember as a kid in 7th through 12th grades are those jokes about teachers/substitutes, oh you know the joke. When the teacher or substitute comes in and is really b*tchy or mean for what seems like no reason. It could be heard whispered throughout the class, "she needs to get a man, She needs to get laid." It's hilarious because I remember being a substitute in a 6th grade class and when I "let them know who's boss" I heard a few, "She must not have a boyfriend." All I could do was laugh and think how wrong we were for saying such things, because I was so not in need of any Django (well I was, but  that wasn't why I was get loud; it was important for the kids to understand that I wasn't a push over). Even though I learned to really dislike the whole, "she's mean, she must not have a man," or "She's not getting any that is why she acts like that," I can say that in my analysis of the situation, this poor lady really probably could use a little Django and if she is a lesbian she may need the... Django (LMAO).  For some people the D is like a cup of tea or taking time to smell the roses. And I just felt a twinge of guilt for making such a post, but damn I am 29,  I am grown, I understand this subject area.  If you are a female and you like boys then you get this subject. (It also has to be good Django otherwise you are still gonna be in a F***ed up mood). And sometimes it really does make a difference in your attitude and the way you treat others. I think it is worst on women ages 25-50. (My mom has accused me of such a problem from time to time and encouraged visits to the BF at that time, I don't think that was the issue at the time because I was in my early 20's, I think I was still trying to find/create myself, of course at the time in my head I was like "How dare she", but I went along with it since she was cosigning such trips). The person in the situation is 39+1, child-less, and husband-less. Us ladies of today's day and age try to act like we are ok with being boyfriend-less, child-less and husband-less when on the inside our heart dies a little everytime one of our friends gets married or pregnant. 

Everytime I see a facebook status that says: "We get to learn the sex of the baby today" or I see a sonagram pic I am like: 

The problem is I am eating cake and crying. (But I have come to realize even though my body is very ready for all of the above it can only handle cake right now). What becomes the issue is deeper than needing the "D."   The issues become, "What if I never meet that someone?" "Today I am 29, I will be 40 in no time." Having babies at 40 is the new trend, and so is autism. (Not to say that age of mothers is what causes autism, but the older you are the greatest chance for having a child with disablities. AND not to say that there is something wrong with disabilities because if you didn't know Spec ED is my thing and I am probably going to adopt a child with disabilites one day.) BTW how did this become about me. I was talking about a nerdy cat lady who is probably going to have a mid life crisis soon if that is not the current issue, because she is so not getting the "D".  The "D" is not my problem. (Even though I am the nerdy dog lady). There is plenty of D to go around, I just prefer to have the "D" in a commited relationship. AND THERE is the REAL problem...smh.... The problem with the "D" is the D***head that comes with it. (Then again maybe its just me, a blog post for another day).



LOL the best meme ever!



I have a problem with this image but it works in this situation

 I guess my point is that if I ever encounter some of this neurotic behavior I will just look at the pic and remember why she is acting the way that she is acting.

PS: As I read this back, where it says Django, I read it as Jango (which is the right way) so its like she needs the Jango LOL funny! PSS: Nerd Love is the best love BTW!

It's A Different Dream...

It’s probably the bummed out feelings I have been having lately, but I had interesting dreams last night.  It started with just me thinking about the tv show “A Different World”…oh DeWayne…he and Whitley had such a back and forth crazy relationship, in which, both of them had to grow up and think about how they felt and not just what they thought was the right thing.

 Everything Whitley had been taught growing up was to be with and marry someone who had money and would always have money. DeWayne... rich…not so much. They gave up a lot to be with each other. That was that beautiful  only on TV back in the day kind of  love. 

So as my mind went from careless thoughts of my favorite show to dreams of my favorite show somehow I was Whitley. I mean it was still Jasmine Guy’s face but I felt like I was watching me going through the back n forth’s with  DeWayne.  Seeing myself with other guys but always wanting him and seeing him wanting me…etc etc etc….but why or better yet WTF? What in my current state of somewhat broken heartedness has made my subconscious meet with my fantasy? Or was I dreaming about myself dreaming about myself being Whitley? I already know I do want to be like Whitley and a lot of times if facebook has that doppelganger  week or whatever I use a picture of her not that I look like her but our ideas in life and love are the same at least Whitley’s are (not necessarily Jasmine Guy’s). I am not from the south, but I still hold on to a similar values. I was a debutante, a daddy’s girl, I like money, I like things, I love clothes/shoes, I am fashionable, everything has to be perfect, I suck at math, (which is why I need a DeWayne [he was a math major btw]) I thought I knew what I wanted to be and then I became a teacher instead, and I felt sexual harassed once (a professional  spoke to me on a subject that I felt like wtf are you talking to me about this for and we were alone).  We have all that in common except DeWayne, but I did love him as a child lol. OMG seriously back in the day as a kid watching “A different world” I was into DeWayne Wayne and those dumb a$$ flip glasses.  Now I am not quite sure why and find his sidekick Ron Johnson more attractive, but that is beside the point.  I hate my emotions playing with my head. Everytime I go through  a little something- something my subconscious plays with me. But I guess so, I repress all my feelings. The blog from the other night is not a norm for me. The truth is I want to be seen as a positive person. I also know how important it is to look at the bright side, find the silver- lining and see the light at the end of the tunnel and I did see all the good stuff, which is why the last thing I said to a certain someone was I thought cheery, but we all take things differently…. Anyway, my point is that in being positive sometimes that means I could be ignoring the hurt or pushing the hurt aside, not allowing myself to feel the hurt so then I guess my subconscious is left to fight the hurt.  I guess this is how it does that…. I remember  I was dreaming that I was in this situation:

Now why would I dream about myself being in  that situation when I don't have one man pining over me let alone two...smh...what is more strange is why wasn't I dreaming about the show I last watched which was VERY lovey dovey The Sun Embracing the Moon? Maybe it's because I am not Korean....lol so my subconscious can't dream in Korean...doesn't speak the language lol! And this too shall pass...I really don't mind such dreams though.... :/

전하 (jeonha)- Your Majesty

The Moon Embracing the Sun....OMG! This was one of the best programs I have watched in like ever! A prince to become King and brother denied of his right, they both fall in love with the same girl all the while they are thought to be pawns of unjust political leaders who try to change the order of fate. It was great, but of course it leaves me with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head as I hope for such a happy ending to myself. Is it possible? Sometimes the biological/hormonal/ feminine ways of a woman make us the weakest link. The nurturers that we are make us yearn for a chance at love and a chance to create love. We can grow other humans from love. In this day an age it appears to be difficult to acquire the old school, courting and proposals. It is quite easy to create humans in what we think is love but is really just a moment of heat. As I go through life, a life that has been mostly single or in a situation in which I usually know from the start will lead to a lost of friendship I fear the most nurturing I will do will be in a classroom to my students or the adoption of a child when I am financially stable to do so, but with the same love that came to create me, even though it didn't last is it wrong for me to long for such love, is it wrong of me to believe in love. Most of these recent years as I begin the road to 30 has been spent cursing love, trying to harden my heart to the dangers of love, and when I open up to it I am usually fully aware of its instability.  Dare I have a faith in love. Dare I believe in happy endings...Dare I believe a prince can have his princess or the beauty can love the beast...I am at a place in the middle; my generation boast of divorce, the generations before me boast of heart ache, and the generation coming up is too busy YOLOing to see past the present hour. Which way should I go? I tried to give up, I tried YOLOing and I have tried pretending to be ok with what I presumed to be fate, but just when I think I am done, and image comes into my head...an image of a King, myself as a Queen, sunshine, butterflies, and a beautiful aura surrounding us....Could it be a reality or is my wild imagination? The only way I can find out is to press on through life...and maybe my 전하  (jeonha) the 왕자님(wangjanim) will find me....In the meantime go to www.dramafever.com and watch this show with english subtitles...great show!!! There is super drama in this one geesh! Jeonha  or your majesty is the only korean word I picked up while watching smh...

Wow and I had an answer just like that...

I questioned myself...I have been questioning this one aspect about myself that totally don't really understand. 
If a guy tries to say something to me whether he is tall, short, fat, skinny, cute, ugly, rich, poor, educated or not, I do not give him the time of day, especially if they live in or near Dover. But a guy who is about 570 miles away can steal my heart. Why? Long distance isn't fun. Its not what we want. No one likes being away from someone they like so why choose such a situation. And it finally came to me....

Because a guy in Dover could steal my heart and break it and the chances of seeing him everyday and dealing with the pain are very/extremely high; the guy who is far away can steal it and break it but it doesn't hurt as much because in the back of your mind he wasn't all of yours to begin with so and in his mind you weren't his so overall it is easier to move on/get over. 

Well at least that is the answer I received...maybe I am wrong about this too. I mean if you are in a committed relationship maybe it would be different. Maybe overall I am way to detached from everyone to be heart...maybe it is all superficial....

And then again...I am hurt at times about different things about the distance relationship...I still find myself losing sleep if my chat didn't go so well with my long distance guy, I am still saddened if my long distance guy is not himself...I feel terrible if my long distance guy is sick. And it I get a tad jealous at times....so maybe I don't have the answer yet...but this was a good attempt at figuring it out...smh...

FML...yeah it's like that today!!!!

If someone seems mad or upset them wouldn't you wonder what it wrong? If they are a friend or family member wouldn't say: Hey, what going on you seem upset? 

NO of course not. In life we general attack the ones we love the most. So when one party is being mean or seem short tempered then those closest are probably getting the brunt of it and then in return instead of trying to help those closest to them just make it worst saying things that just as hurtful. 

Its a circle that just keeps going on and on and NO one takes ownership of their actions. 

Its like I can't trust people in the street to be a true friend and care for me the way I would care for them and I can't trust family to care about my feelings so I just retreat and continue to feel alone. 

Sometimes I feel like overall people don't see me. And I have always felt that no one could see me. I really try to hard to be a good to person to love everyone, enemies, frienemies, family, friends, strangers, I try to love all...

I am very tired of loving and caring only for others to see only the negative....I can't keep doing it....I give me and I lose me... nothing is reciprocated I just get brokenhearted or torn down. 

There isn't really solution, I either retreat to myself more or I harden my heart more....

Several things I don't understand about life: 
1.) why do we need others? 
- you may think you don't but you will drive yourself crazy if you separate yourself from other humans
2.) why do we need love?
-you may think you don't especially when you've never been in love or when love hurts you but people eventually yearn for a companion who loves you and you love them

I mean they have done studies about how people are less depressed when they are in love and when they are social. So clearly we need it, but I don't know if I want it, because I am tired of being hurt. 

I never say FML but I am saying it today...

And I apologize because I always try to be positive I always try to end positively at the end but I don't know what to say, only, I continue to have faith in God, but his so-called children are making me sick!!!

Clearing up the birthday blues before it even starts

So someone says: "few weeks until our birthdays," "DAMN my birthday I forgot!"
And I really wish I had not of been reminded. 29... and I don't have much to show for it...ok Bachelors and Masters great nice sheets of paper to put on my wall...and who can I blame? No one... Its my fault I am not a go getter and have a touch of gutlessness...
BUT HOPEFULLY...
I will meet more of the former power rangers (I mean YES its what I live for at the moment Rangers and Cake you got any???) which will strike a few more goals off the the list....AND HERE...

 ...another thing I wanted to do and although it is short and sweet and probably a verse from a song that anybody can sing, but at least I posted it randomly, I mean I attempted to post it on Facebook, but it didn't work so just when I was about to be like ok never mind I remembered the End of 20's/Before I'm 30 goal list. Posting a video of me singing was one of the goals...maybe I will show more of my vocals later and maybe I won't.... 

 In the HOURS it is taking me to compose this blog (because I was trying to upload the video the "easy way" through Google + but turns out the easy was to plug my phone into the computer and upload it from the computer smh) I came up with what I have to show for it aside from my papers that say this person is smart enough to go through college twice...
all my crap and this is just one closet...shoes in boxes, but what you don't see is the shoe rack on the left and the five other boxes of boots on the right and four pair in the floor...and you can see the left side that is filled with pants...my crap makes me happy (and sad when it is all over the place) and my ties, there are more downstairs in which I was sharing with my brother...I know its an odd thing for a girl to collect and wear but look at how awesome it looks: 

 Also there is this one this mentioned in the Bible, Jesus actually says it: (Get ready cause Jesus had a lot to say about this)

Matthew 6:25-34Amplified Bible (AMP)

²⁵ Therefore I tell you, stop being ^[a]perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?²⁷ And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life?²⁸ And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.²⁹ Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these.³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?³¹ Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?³² For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.³³ But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.³⁴ So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.
^{And the reason I mention this is because I will be kind of broke and I haven't been broke since 2009....in 2010 financially I started doing better than before, I was subbing and library, full-time and library, then even part-time and library, but now I am back to library, because of student teaching. And even though I know I will be alright sometimes it is difficult to keep yourself from worrying about things like lunch for everyday, monthly bills, gas, food expense, etc. The thing is when I was only doing the library gig I was still making it as far the above, and my closet looks like it can carry me through the rest of my time student teaching. (GEESH like the $100 I awe the school so they can give my my piece of paper that says masters) But I will survive as I have survived throughout my life since I was born from "Meconium aspiration syndrome" at birth to an ileostomy to now....and this in 2009:} 

^{Who says I'm not going to have crab legs and a Glass of Moscato this year for 29? You know how I do...Party by my lonesome! SMH!}

^{PS: If this blog doesn't do anything, by the end of it I always end feeling positive....}