Resistance

Seems the more I try to dig myself out the deeper I become or so I feel. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day. So funny you work part-time you have all day to do something but not enough money to do what you want. Full-time and you got the money but no time. But I like no time with a full-time job, I just have to learn how to use time wisely. 

I learned in my Applied Behavior Analysis class that when you try to change something's/someone's behavior at first you will see resistance, but you have to keep going. 

Life is resisting. Negativity is trying to surround me as I try to remain positive enough to get out of my house. Otherwise I would be like those you see on Hoarders Buried Alive or the people who ate themselves to 700LBS and are unable to get out of the house. 

With resisting I have to keep working hard so that eventually what resists realizes life, the one I want will happen. I maybe the "thing" or the "one" resisting simply because sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. But what am I supposed to do? I have to take care of my mom, the household, my brother, I have to go to work make sure  everyone there is in order, I have to make sure I am taking care of school and when I get to me, its time to go to bed. right now is not the best for me because clearly I hate myself at the moment. I can't seem to make myself happy. I feel angry but I put on a smile and I hide the inner disdain for this world and myself. 

I mean I have a trip planned that involves meeting my most favorite superhero ever! The most epic (based on time as a ranger and as a leader) I am so for sure that I will get to stand next to the man (I will probably touch him and that make me feel faintish) but I feel so miserable about something that almost seems invisible I haven't been able to wrap my mind around it. I have been talking about it almost everyday since I began to talk about the possibilities of going as it gets closer the more I feel drowned in my unfulfilled self that it almost doesn't matter. (Ok for JDF it matters the very idea that I will be meeting him makes me feel 75% better) 

And maybe I see others and i feel like they must be doing all the things that they want to be doing, but isn't that the front that facebook makes available to us all. 

OK ok  Ok ok ....writing all of this doesn't change the fact, it just let's me make a little room to breath. I can pull myself out of this. I did before (or did I) and I'll do it now.  Clearly I can do all things in Christ!! All I need to do is snap out of it and get it right. I need to pray my anger away because who am I mad at? Me? You? Them? Stress is the #1 thing I hate, anger causes is stress. I will not let anger and stress make me a bitch on top of being depressed. 

One thing I need to do before I go is accept myself for who I am. (very hard to tell just who I am) I don't fit into a category and maybe that is my problem but I need to get over it and handle my unique characteristics that make me...me. I have to be ok with the crazy mess that is Danielle because I can only be me. Anita birthed it and Donald gave his $0.05 so I look like them and sound like them, and occasionally my actions imitate them as well, but who I am the inner being, was created through my unique personal experience, decisions, and mistakes/lessons learned. I have to remember to be ok with that inner being and to keep my head up high and be confident in me. Almost like the saying: "Never let them see you sweat." I don't want to say something and then be countered then respond like I am unsure of myself, that shows a weakness. I don't people to walk away thinking I don't believe in my own believe. I don't want to appear to be on the fence. 

Anyway more nightly walk the dog prayers are needed as well as a little pep in my step...I must remember Rome wasn't built in one day (or so the say)....

I am comfortable enough to post me like this: 

(Side Note: Instagram makes everything look epic) 

It's Daniella the great again....back from Delaware the state again...

LOL...yeah that is a rap I made up back at Howard during my Dipset days. But I am back kind of sorta.... As the random chick in the store said: You don't look good until you get your hair done, you can be completely fixed up, but if your hair ain't done it don't matter." POINT: I got my herr did. I feel like I am BACK. 

Not only did I get it did but I knocked one of my End of 20's bucklist goals out. It wasn't featured on the list as seen on this blog but I have been thinking and talking about cutting my hair for a while and I did it!

WooHoo! Here it is: 

I got it cut...ok not too much but I mean my stylist layered it and did a bunch of stuff I never asked for before in all the years I have been going. The last time I got my haircut was in 2003 and it really wasn't my choice but my hair was so damaged from another situation that it had to be done. Today was my choice. The thought had been there for a while but last night and some of this morning lead me to the decision. I didn't tell my mom because I knew she would say stuff against as she would also say something like but do what you want. I did do what I wanted to do, so maybe I did a little bit of that YOLO stuff too....I would have gone shorter but I wasn't ready...I mean when I do the tighter curls it will look shorter anyway.... Wow I can't believe I YOLOed for myself.

So not only did I get my haircut I am so excited to say that I will be going to an Anime Convention and will hopefully meet Jason David Frank!!! My Power Ranger hero! This is another End of 20's bucket list. 

When I first made up the list with to go to a Con as they are known I never thought that it would happen this year. I worked hard trying to figure out how I was going to make to LA, Orlando, or Baltimore. I really thought we would be going to Anime Festival Orlando, but my mom had total knee replacement surgery and we figured she might not be good to go by then. So the trip was canceled before it was booked. Then a friend of mine from High School AND fellow Howard Alum was like "You know he'll be in Baltimore" and I was like yeah and it took off from there to know the hotel is book and the tickets are pur-chased.  I am stupid excited. I mean I would have loved to go to the Morphicon in Pasadena but not only does it cost too much to get there but JDF canceled his appearance (not that I wouldn't love to see Johnny Yong Bosch who was instance put in JDF's place as guest of honor).

I mean this is as big as the time that I was able to shake Marques Houston's hand back in DC. JDF is classic, legendary, EPIC and best of all, a regular dude aside from the 7th degree black belt and power ranger several times over. 

So let's see: 

1.) Hair

2.) AnimeCon

3.) Meeting JDF

4.) YOLOing

Next up I will need to get tatted, talked about it long enough, It probably won't be that big. What stops me is being unsure. I mean its so cool to get a tat then again tatted bodies are so prevalent why not be different and have untouched skin. Clearly JDF is not the one to look to as he is tatted damn near from head to toe. (he better not ever mess up that pretty face) And my EX from years ago always said: Why mess up a perfectly good...well never mind.  A butterfly with japanese text of some sort would be awesome, but that is still up in the air. Let see there was also flying and jumping out of an airplane takes lots of money (but I could do it with JDF if I had that money LOL) Singing in front of people was also on the list and what is funny is I was about to post a video of myself singing on YouTube for this contest from Eyeshine (the band I have been listening to), but it just wasn't working out, I was trying to get a professional sound from very unprofessional equipment smh. Getting professional pics done has been on my list of things to do for years, but now I am trying to figure out why? Overall I mean I am four things in so can only go up from there right? In the meantime I never did speak of 2012 accomplishments...I mean in one of my blogs I announced how I passed the Elementary Education Praxis. I also mentioned that I would have news about the Special Education Praxis and I passed it as well!!!!!!!! I have NO idea what other goals where on my 2012 list and it doesn't really matter I believe I am making progress in my life....overall I am having fun.

PS: I still need to take myself to dinner. Crab legs and Moscato!!!!   

Rut...

At some point between yesterday and today I realized I am in a RUT. It's one of those ruts that you don't realize you are in until you are neck deep in clothes and shoes.

I was going to write this blog about my current love life or lack thereof. I think this is the first time in my life that I don't have a crush on anybody. Like no man who I literally know is holding my attention at all. I have never been in such situation. (Had crushes since I was six, my first crush was on a third grader lmao) I have been single since 2/2010, which isn't that long and didn't feel that long considering I filled that year with two flings...College Boy and Mi Amor, which were both complicated situations that were entwined at times. Once I got over the latter, I have been crush free, but I did fill that void with what else? Ridiculousness...first Prince Royce, who helped me deal with after affects of having a latin love.
  Oh course he is young and untouchable. He became my latin Marques Houston. Luckily that fell off a little because although I liked his album "Phase II" I didn't like it as much as his first album which means he has lost my attention in so many ways.

s

Jason David Frank, MMA fighter and 7th degree black belt Karate Entrepenuer

I don't know what happened after I drifted away from Prince Royce, but some how 28 year old Dani, made her way back to 10 year old Dani, and I binged on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I told you this is not sex in the city. This is sex in  Angel Grove. It all went down hill when 1.) I found out Nicktoons had PR Dino Thunder in syndication (featuring Dr. O better known as Tommy the Green Ranger) and 2.) A free trial of Netflix which has all the Power Rangers. I have gone absolutely nuts, watching interviews, videos, massive crap on youtube of the power rangers lots of Jason David Frank (Green Ranger) Lots of Johnny Yong Bosch (2nd Black ranger) Love them! They have filled alot of free time. (Please look for future posts about meeting JDF...HYFR!!!)

Johnny Yong Bosch, voice actor for Ichigo of Bleach and live action actor

I have another love though, probably more than JDF, or JYB. My ultimate love and lover. I mean as long as I am Mama Warbucks, this thing loves me so much. I alone have helped the struggling economy....Shopping is my boo. I take care of shopping and shopping takes care of me. It almost doesn't even matter where I do the shopping, as long as I have money I will buy anything. (you mean like that Power Ranger bag with the Megazord on it or the monthly fee for both Netflix ANDClubfitness) Its clothes and shoes that ESPECIALLY make me happy. When I can't make it to a store, Amazon is ALWAYS there to fill that need that itch to pur-chase something. 

And this is what lead me to this particular blog entry. The rut. I am not a hoarder, but damn, I have bought soooooooo much crap between last summer and this summer that my room looks like a clothing store threw up in it. The rut comes from the fact that 1.) I clearly can't stop shopping (only when my bank account says stop) and 2.) I can't seem to be able to put any of it away. Its like I just go to my room sit on the bed, paralyzed then move my attention to MMPR or related movies. I will be going to an Anime Convention (JDF will be there) and so I have been trying to watch every Bleach episode. Aside from my extracurriculars I have been working and going to school. School started the whole situation (Putting the blame on something else) School work comes before everything (for the most part) Sick thing is I have had one full week of no classes, and I have only analyzed MMPR like the show wasn't made for elementary school students and watched all the videos I can on youtube. Did I mention Eyeshine? Oh yeah that is Johnny Yong Bosch's band. Also bought their music and have been listening everyday since June 1. My rut goes further...taken care of myself...not so much....yeah I was supposedly going on a no meat health kick, some how I got fatter, going to the gym, been there once since I signed up in May, and my hair??? My hair??? I have been faking with wet and wavy. I use water, oil and wrapping foam to  have that crinkle look and keep it moving. I probably haven't had my hair done since April or worst March. I don't even need to talk about other things that involve hair. BTW I will have a point in a moment.
My love life clearly doesn't matter to me. I don't work towards making any aspect of my life dateable, (as in "apartment" aka the garage my mom gave me) I don't make me available plus I look to be 15 years old (so not complaining at 28) I just appear to be jail bait.  I am not helping MYSELF....sure I am working hard at my job, and school, prosperous in that aspect, but I am totally whack in other aspects. I need help and that is what I realized...in all of my knowledge that I am clearly in a rut I have not stopped to get on my knees and say: "Hey God, help please." When we are prosperous in one or two areas, like with money, work, grades, it makes it seem like everything is great when really one can still be incomplete. To fill my incompleteness I filled it with what I have always filled it  with fantastical adventures via the Megazord. So tonight I need to bring it back with a good prayer...The line "Jesus Didn't Tap" can no longer be my bread and water, its not enough. Maybe I will get myself out of the ridiculousness save some money and move to a higher position in prosperity opposed to being stuck in one place becoming complacent.

PS: This blogger is called: "This is Not Sex in the City" and I wanted to talk about living in Dover and all that there is not to do here, but i get caught up on other things. It doesn't matter anyway. I will just say that I have been to Fraziers (The Lobby House) more in one month, than ever, because my first time was June.  Retirement Party, then Birthday Party, August will be my high school reunion and it will be there a well...there is my Dover girl moments.

PSS: If I decide to take myself to dinner, for crab legs and a glass of moscato, I'll get back to ya...smh!

Back to Action

The right thing to do would be my homework, I clearly excel at the wrong thing. I wouldn't be able to do my homework anyway. I want to call this week the most horrible week ever but that would be lying. It's far from the worst and closer to the best. It started on a terrible note and I have been falling into a depression ever since. I killed my computer, oh you know the one it was practically BRAND NEW as I purchased it in February. And with the silliest decision I killed it in one DROP. If you haven't realized it yet I am a let's see, I called myself a "Morpher" once, I like to think of it as a Morphicon, but con stands for convention. In an analogy I am to Power Rangers as a trekkie is to Star Trek...get it...it's been stated in previous blogs as well as status updates on facebook. (Yes this ties in to the death of my computer and depression let me get to it). If you know me then you are aware of the fact that everything that I like/love I tend to get fantical about, I can't help it, if I could I would change because my fantasism has cause great pain in my life being that most people do not understand such fanatisim. Well I sort of took myself on a Power Ranger binge (yes I am adult but each of us has something we love to that degree, for some its alcohol) Like everything I took this binge to the next level as I have been finding the work of "EX" rangers (technically none of them are EX rangers because the motto is once a ranger always a ranger {not YOLO}). Getting back on track to the death of what was becoming my cuttie buddy (as I began sleeping with my computer, as in side by side) I found an awesome Thriller/Horror/Martial Arts film with Johnny Yong Bosch a.k.a Adam the second black ranger after  Zack and Karen Ashley a.k.a. Aisha the second yellow ranger after Trini. I found it on Amazon and it was not even a question I bought it and that was that. I watched loved it and wanted to share it with my mom. Not quite sure why I turn to my mother with my fanaticism she hates all that is Power Rangers due to my adoration as a 10 year old, but this was a movie that had nothing to do with such rangers sort of.... We watched the movie and she missed the ending as she falls asleep on most movies. But I kept her awake as I HAD to take it to the next level...next thing I know I am trying to show all these movie trailers and MMA fights with Tommy (green white red black ranger), all the con interviews....basically I started "morphin" or as the Power Rangers say: "Power Up" and a CLEAR poor choice was conceive and my computer fell from its pertch onto the floor cause the screen to do as they say crack. Now at first I was like no problem, it is still viewable on my tv with the HDMI cord. Got through the night with out Morphin, got through the morning without Morphin, took the computer to best buy where the proceeded to tell me that Dell would charge me more to fix the computer than I actually paid for the computer, I walked away with tears in my eyes to price another computer. All hope was not lost being that my pop pop knows many people with many different talents one being fixing computers for a decent price. In the meantime I have to wait, not just on the dude to fix it but also on the money for just in case have to buy a new one. This was all on Saturday....You don't know you are addicted to something until you are hunting for your remote control so that you can look on your DVR to watch a re-run of Power Rangers Dino Thunder, for a hit. At first I was like I can do this cold turkey and then I failed. Last Night I watched Might Morphin Power Rangers The Movie, and Power Rangers Turbo The Movie...AND the movie I showed my mom on that fateful night I killed my computer....

I said all of that to get to this next story:

I needed the computer to break, I realized today that I need to take sometime to pray. I think maybe during my childhood alot of my fanaticism was my way of coping or lack thereof to reality. What is reality? My reality is that I  tend to separate myself from others. My reality is that my main squeeze is my Dog. My reality is that people are mean and will try to hurt you. My reality is that this is literally not "sex in the city." My reality is I haven't been on a date in like two years maybe. My reality is that I'm not getting any younger. My reality is that it will be a few more years before my career is where it should be as far as me becoming a teacher. My reality is I often feel pathetic. My reality is that my mom is not getting any younger, and my old people are slimmer. I have my maternal pop pop and paternal grandma. My aunt and uncles are older. I am becoming the "matriarch" in my household (in so many ways). ETC ETC ETC.... On top of all of this I got my first bad grade of my WHOLE WILM U experience and my current class seems to have left me (I can't focus) and I haven't had the best experience in my first full-time job. So what did I do? The same thing I did when I felt alone when I was 10. As Tommy said to the Dragonzord as he was losing his powers, "One more time, old friend." With the help or should I say Thanks to netflix I watched ALL of ZEO, found out there had been Alien Rangers, and watched Turbo until the last of the Tommy era turned there powers over to a new group of "teenagers". It helped me forget about things or at least made me think of them less. It can be considered a stress reliever.

It was important for my computer to break because sometimes as you run away from what is deemed bad you lose sight of some important things like God. One thing I take away from my Power Ranger abuse is: "Jesus didn't tap." Jason David Frank best known as Tommy is a christian athelete. As a MMA fighter or Mixed Martial Artist, he created the Jesus Didn't Tap line of MMA clothing. In MMA when a fighter is pinned they tap out. In Jesus' fight he did NOT tap out. He continued and rose again.... In all of this I am so glad to have this in the back of my mind and every now and then as I abused the rangers I would say to myself Jesus Didn't Tap....Meaning that through all my struggles I can depend on him. Today in the clarity on my "sober" mind I knew that it was time to pray. I tried to deceive myself. I tried to hide under the covers. I turned my mind off and I put on a Poker Face or to keep with the ranger talk I put on my helmet and stopped paying attention to the fact that there are enemies all around trying to stop my success.

The silly thing is that just as Power Rangers helps me to chill out, it brings back old memories of the past, such as the number of people who think I am silly for liking such a show. The awkward-ness of adolescence and the awkward-ness that is ever so present in my life. It makes me rethink the person I am...it makes me wonder about the person I am becoming. So as many drugs it is just as much a demon as it is a savior.

It all makes me realize that I won't be able to get anywhere without accepting who I am first....a woman, who although smart likes the not so evident things, a woman who's not settling, a woman who has options, a woman who's great no matter what others try to say. I have to like me sometimes that is hard because sometimes I am not sure who me is.... I must trust God's will for my life after all he promise everything would be great.   

PS: Sometimes I forget about the resources closes to me like my little brother, I think that I don't think of him as someone to talk to because he is so much young and we have very separate interest but he and I had a chit chat. He always proves to me that he is fairly wise for his age.  I just hope that I can get a enough strength to get out of this funk.

What My Friend Danielle Taught Me Sophmore Year...

First...yes in college my best friend's name was Danielle. Yes my name is Danielle. Yes we had lots of Double D/twins nicknames.

Now that we understand that I am not talking about being bestfriends with myself (which is a totally different blog in itself) I was just feeling despair. In my last blog I noted somethings that I wanted to do before I turned 30. The number one thing was to go to an anime convention or a power ranger convention. (Hey we all have interesting tidbits in our closets.) So I was looking into a couple on the east coast, one at Baltimore and one in Florida. I looked up prices and hotels and it seems like I either can't afford to go or really its a lack in courage. I don't have a travel partner; that is going on a trip no-no number 1. (Power Rangers should have taught me that, i.e putty attacks on lone ranger in the park more importantly real life should have taught me that i.e. Natalie Hollaway) I also don't have a clue about the Baltimore Surroundings or Olando Surroundings either. If I were to go to Florida it would be my first time on an airplane, which would also take care of another before I am 30 goal.  But as I said before I started to look at prices and directions and hotels, and guests or lack thereof and transportation...etc and I fell into the pit of despair finding that not only has my courage to go fallen, but my positive optimism has also fallen. That's when I thought of a valuable lesson Danielle taught me.
I like to think of it as: Where there's a will there's a way, subtitled: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.
Freshmen year at HU, I expressed my fanaticism for Marques Houston, IMX, and B2K. Danielle has some fanaticism for Omarion, the following year led to her plan: Operation get us to the Baltimore Show. She planned it out all the way, First we would take the metro to the last stop on greenline of the Greenbelt direction which was, Greenbelt, then we would take the BWI bus to BWI, then we would take the MARC train to the Mariner Arena, see the concert, then walk a short distance to Baltimore Greyhound to be dropped off at DC greyhound in which we took a cab back to HU. Me being who I am thought well sounds good to me lets go...go we did, we made it there and back together. It left me feeling like traveling could be easy. Going to a place finding the transportation system and going wherever was possible.
I was proud of Danielle for that day, that experience, she made it happen. My personality doesn't always call for such attitude of "By any means necessary," if it did I certainly would not be sitting her in the bedroom I grew up in writing a blog about going to a convention because I would be the convention. Another secret in my closet is I have always had an interest in voice over work (and acting), but it is not a career highly promoted and being that the introvert of me is pratical, I never think of such. The person that I want to be gets lost in the person who is the introvert, by the way introvert's name is fear. Fear is always a handicap.... Dover, the close knit bubble of a city hasn't helped and my extroverted self displays herself in small pieces that I keep hidden in my the closed space of my bedroom. Even the very thing that I really do love and want to share with the world, what I am doing right now, my words, my writing, my stories, I hold close rarely sharing, only with those who I think I trust in the moment, have the privledge of reading my material. Fear is crippling, fear of failure, fear of mistakes, fear of people who will hurt, fear of actual success....Locked in my own personal jail...I have the key to get out but comfort and fear of the unknown keep me from walking out....

If only I could go back to Fall 2003, and get a little bit of the spirit that led Danielle to finding a way to get us to the show...maybe I would get futher than an Anime Convention, further than the Morphincon, further than flying on an airplane for the first time...maybe I could get to published author, acclaimed voice over actress, and be a teacher (lots of nerves as I near completion of Master's program)

 When will I start living? Or should I accept myself as I have been? We all can't be the beyonce's or in my case the Jason David Frank's (ranger)  or the Johnny Yong Bosch's (ranger/voice over), we all can't be the J.K Rowling's (harry potter fame) or Hellen Keller's Teacher's (special education teacher he taught hellen keller who was blind deaf and mute how to communicate) of the world. Some of us have to be peasants who watch in awe of those who do by any mean's necessary...right?

End of Twenties bucket list...

So if you're my facebook friend then you might have  noticed I have been on a Mighty Morphin Adventure. Some people get it others not so much and that's ok. I am who I am and I can't be anyone that I am not...(always writing poetry).  One thing that I always wanted to do was go to a Morphicon, which is essentially a power ranger convention, geek much? On a recent trip to the bathroom A.K.A the thinking room, I started thinking about this wish and other things I want to do. Bucket list, but I don't plan on dying anytime soon, BUT I will be 30 SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON, so how about an End of Twenty something bucket list. Unfortunately I have what's left of this year and next year to try to complete everything now I better think of things to do....

1.) MMPR/Anime Convention-
I HAVE to go to one....I know, I know, you liked the power rangers when you were like 12 and never looked back, you didn't even know Tommy the green/white ranger was also the red zeo/turbo ranger and came back as Dr. Tommy Oliver in 2004 to work on Power Rangers Dino Thunder as the black ranger, but I did look back and I also found out that there is a whole underworld of MMPR fans, who still adore MMPR like being 12 was just yesterday. This is something I could push away, push out of my mind and ignore, but everytime Haim Saban creates another set of rangers I would feel it I would hear it in my mind. And whenever Jason David Frank's (Tommy) powers fade for good as in death, I would be heartbroken in the fact that I never got to see him in person. (the way I felt when Dick Clark died and I never experienced a Clark New Year in NY)

2.) Singing for real, in front of real people-
Someone: "Do you sing?"
Me: "uh, i try."
My brain: "Yes, sing sing sing."
My stage fright: "don't you might mess up."

The inner struggles of myself. You know it only takes one tramatic experience to ruin all future endeavours. One moment when you didn't know the lyrics to the song Weak, by SWV and was once again dubbed as a non-african american...smh. I am not going to sit here and be like oh yeah I can sing, but I think I have an ok voice. Ok enough that I would sing in front of an audience, why do I continue to say I would do it but I haven't...scaredy cat...duh....as a matter of fact what I would LOVE to do is go to an open mic night, with my flute, play something and sing. I am definitely bad at the flute, but i could practice and sound decent enough. Although my fear of playing that thing in front of people is worst than that of singing in front of people.

3.) Tatted
This one is a hard one to pull off, because I don't know if I want to be so permanant. Eventually chicas without tats will be hard to come by, I would be one of those chicas, yet I feel like a tat is one of those coming to age things that we all must go through. I may be wrong. All I know is I have wanted a tat for at least 4 years now and there is no real reason why I should not get one.

4.) Fly in an airplane-
Yes I am being so sincere when I say I have never been in an airplane...wait I take that back I have been in the back of a C5 on DAFB during an air show or something, but I have never been an in airplane as it is in the sky. Of course if I accomplish number one then I would accomplish #4 as well.

5.) Get professional pictures of myself-
I am not talking about a passport photo...I have always wanted to have pics taken of me either on the beach or against a brick wall somewhere, something where I am looking fierce, something where the lighting is right and the the outfit is right and the hair is right and someone other than myself is taking the picture.

Yeah this list is weak so maybe:

6.) YOLO...lol haha, meaning you only live once so I should live, I should do things. The sad thing is this is the reason I started this blog and I have not YOLOed outside of the freaking mall....smh. YOLOing in the mall is when you buy something over budget and your excuse is YOLO. Other ideas:

               *audition for a play
               *bungee jump
               * move out on my own
Anything else???

SMH at the highlight of this list being to meet MMPR.... I told you This is not sex in the city.....

Meatless week...

So it’s been about a week of being meat free and soda free...

And I am fine…the experience I had a child with the no meat eating thing has helped. I happen to love fish and that is allowed. I did have to make and executive decision to eat turkey, because I was cutting the birds out too, but if I am in a crisis turkey is alright to eat…chicken well I don’t like chick like that….

Some questions have come up, let us remember I love tacos…I mean I FREAKING LOVE TACOS…. My most favorite memories involve tacos…so what do I do about this? Well I found fake ground beef in the fake frozen meat isle…. So I will purchasing some of that soon so I can fill my taco fix…and if that turns out to suck I will have to have chicken in a can…yeah I know I hate chicken but when it comes from a can it’s not so bad, I use to do that too….ah Taco Night the best night….

Other problems that will occur in the future:

Cooking for the fam, I will have to cook separate meals now. They like meat, the worst part is that I like it too but for flavoring like take spaghetti, I have never liked sausage but the flavor in spaghetti and other things is great. So I guess I have to eat around…speaking of sausage what about my beloved Scrapple? As I like to say **** the bulls***… Imma eat scrapple every now and then…it’s not meat anyway its hair and toenails LMAO!!!!

Luckily and Honestly

Soda hasn’t been a problem either, I had stopped drinking root beer for lent anyway so that’s out of my mind, but I do have to literally tell myself do not buy soda when I go to a store for a drink. I was so use to buying a soda, and soda companies makes it hard too because soda is everywhere and there aren’t many options for others. I mean its like: “We serve all coke products, unsweetened tea and we have a special on Absolut vodka.” Like what?? YOU BEST BELIEVE I refuse to drink water from the faucets of Delaware…(my bathroom faucet yes don’t ask I just like it) so the drinks will be tricky and costly, especially since I love slurpees and they are just frozen sodas and lime-aide which are also sodas…smh….

Winning

So this week no meat no soda and I feel great! It’s probably the subtraction of soda that is helping the most….

As for the Gym…I plan on joining but homework has been more important….I have one more week to get through with class and then I can get into the gym, I will only have one class coming up so I will have time to actually go to the gym.

Is this life...the road to healthier living...

I just bought a Gatorade.  A GATORADE!  Seriously, Gatorade is one of those things that I can’t do….its right before water. But I am trying to do better. I am going to revitalize my whole food life. Well almost cause damn if imma give up cakes, anyway I have decided that I will (drum roll please) stop drinking soda!!! OMG SAY WHAT:

 Yeah they are no good, well actually ROOT BEER is great, but it is no good to my body so I am going to let them go. Not like entirely but for the most part wherever  I can substitute one for juice I will. Which is why I ended up with a Grape Gatorade, there were sodas and Snapple and knowing tea could cause a tremendous riot in my stomach I opted for Gatorade thinking it will give me energy or something …it would be almost as good as water for my body.

WAIT not finished on the changes:

I think I am going back to the vegetarian lifestyle. As a kid I never ate meat. I didn’t start getting into meat until I was in college (That’s what she said) But as a kid I had some strange food policies, which was no meat, wiping tomato sauce off pizza and skinning hotdogs.  I think I am going to stop eating red meat, slow my chicken intake which is limited anyway, and my pig intake and replace with fish fish fish. I may even switch my bread to gluten free bread or at least honey wheat.

Still more…

I think im going to join a gym…now this is the one thing that might get shut down. I don’t like the exercise thing, I do like lifting or weight training I did that once and was pleased with the results. Joining a gym would mean I am being serious(er) about this.  

Why?

I have a large stomach for a girl my age without kids. At times  can look preggers and I don’t think it is just fat, I think the foods especially soda and breads leave my stomach distended I feel like 48 instead of 28 sometimes.  I am 112 lbs (estimate) so why do I feel like there is fat around my heart? Why do I feel like there is fat surrounding my lungs? Because I am an obese person living in a skinny person’s body.  The obese person is winning.

This is a good Idea

I wanna feel good, make sure I have a healthy body for the future, and need a flat tummy and a toned body.  Sounds like I will have to spend time on a treadmill for the cardio to get my pulse rate up and my heart and lungs stronger.  I have to do something because I don’t want to be 48 one day, on oxygen. 

Why women suck at sex Old Lady edition

So I just did a post “Why women suck at sex”  and then I realized I am old, my doubts are totally different.

1.)    Will care that the milks’ gone bad?

So forget the size of the boobies, how about the fact that them jawns have decided to sag a little?

2.)    I didn’t wax, nair, shave and I don’t mean legs, will he care?

When you get old you just don’t give a…..

3.)    Um love handles, is that a deal breaker?

Fat, metabolism is a little slow, got a gut, you got a problem?

4.)    Wrinkles.

I worry about wrinkles, they say black don’t crack but he I am light skinned and I afraid I will be looking like the cript keeper soon.

5.)    I just don’t feel like it!

When this happens…IDK!!!

Of course as an older woman you just don’t give a bleep! It is what it is…

What you'll be dealing with anyway....

Why women suck at sex….

This is not an average blog for me, considering my dad reads at times, as does other family members. Sometimes you have to be 28-yrs-old. I’ll go back to being 13 in just a moment. Honestly I am not sure what put this in my mind as I was walking to the corner store. Maybe it was because of all of my daily insecurities that I simply play off. Playing them off doesn’t help that much while getting your groove on though and can play a role in your mentality which can play a role in the physical, which can “rueen” libido. You know what they say it’s not what’s between your legs it’s what’s between your ears.   Insecurities that can occur during that intimate moment are as follows:

1.)    Can he tell one boob is bigger than the other?

Seriously can you? There are so many females that deal with this problem on a regular.  Unless we are talking about one A-cup and one C-cup, I think you can stop thinking about this…he’s not noticing this…and once you get this off you mind your hormones can start their engines and maybe when blood starts to flow your boobies will become engorges and ending your problem in the moment.  (If your boobs are drastically different seek advice from your Doc)

2.)    Am I sexy enough?

If he doesn’t think this now then why are about to do the do with this dude? If you are questioning yourself about being sexy at that moment, you probably shouldn’t be having sex, especially if you are under 25 and virginal (the frontal lobe of the brain isn’t completely developed until 25 {which is way I can even write this right now}). If you are a part of the over 25 none virginal crowd, then we need to re-assess the value ourselves!!! (If you are a virgin God Bless you).  First of all, no one and by no one I mean the dude, is not thinking about being sexy. Sex is not sexy. (It’s downright gross when you think of it biologically).  Cut this out of your thinking , as a matter of fact you have to start thinking about how DAMN sexy you are and how Romeo Santos (please see video) , Channing Tatum, or whoever is your cup of tea are damn sexy….LOLZ

3.)    Do I smell ok, i.e. down there?

Hey, I’m just saying….hopefully if you showered and you’ve got that, love spell, pure seduction, or strawberry champagne going then you should be good otherwise you need to see a doctor. For just in case situations carry summer’s eve cleansing cloths, they are packaged individually. To make it sexy why not put out the “hey let’s take a shower together” thing…it will work, because he probably stinks too (men have peculiar odors). He’s not going to say anything anyway until he gets with his boys, [I’ve heard the stories from the fellas] (unless he’s your husband and gives a damn he might want to make sure you are ok since he lives with you and that....).

4.)     OMG I can’t believe I am doing this or why am I doing this?

If you are thinking this stop immediately, because you bursting in tears before or after is only going to freak him and cause for more anxiety. Work things out with yourself before partaking of sexual activity. BTW you don’t have to be a virgin to have such feelings….

5.)    Does he like this?

Yes. Shut up!  Sounds like you and your boo need some dialogue. Yeah I know they can be such d**ks but it is what it is.  

Overall, I hope that the relationship that us women put ourselves though is worth all of the anxieties, if not let that be a learning experience and move on. Get right with yourself meaning fall in love with yourself (not with a vibrator that’s not the same thing) Know who you are and love that person. You have to be able to do this before you can move on to a relationship involving another person and especially before you can make it sexual. It’s difficult because a women can come up with a reason for why they are not up to par in a minute, but you have to let that “I’m so ugly, sh*t” go. Even if that hottie at the Sunglass, kiosk in the mall took a double take at you and the reaction was almost as if he wanted to say “never mind” and rueened your shopping experience for the night because you thought you was looking alright!” Oh wait I’m back. Overall let’s love us before we love them, because once you love them…SMH….

I'm so I'm so I'm so Proud of You....

Drake's lyrics fit as a title but this song started the thoughts that created this post...

Prince Royce, Chris Brown, Bruno Mars, Romeo Santos, The-Dream,  Robin Thicke and even Usher (and every now and then Drake turns me on, call a guilty pleasure)  have all been helping to fill the void of being relationshipless.

So glad that's figuratively. (LOLZ)

What makes me even bring this up...well I have had some extra time to walk the dog (my bro has been doing it all winter and it caught up with me) meaning extra time with the music on my phone which includes the crooners mentioned above. “Our First Time” by Bruno Mars shuffled its way to my ear and sent me back to ghosts of boyfriends past. Just the good times on my mind, who wants to remember the bad, I actually try to block out the bad if any at all. I guess the bad is only the naivety of myself, thinking in terms of together forever, when in my logical sub conscious I knew it would be more like 6 months if that...(except that one in college I'm not sure what to say about that).

I have now been single for what like 1 year and 6 months-2years (technically LOLZ, I can also pretend like the summer of 2010 never happened but then I really wouldn't have anything to reminisce about now would I HA!) I am not sure if my single-ness is self -imposed or divinity at its best. I am almost blind to the opposite sex (No that does not mean I can see the same sex) My life has been work all day, class every other night, and the weekends; well more work and homework to boot. Off course every other Saturday I've been hitting up a Latino night at a local saloon.  One of the "ghosts” told me in order to meet people I should go to the bar, where I would supposedly meet people. He didn’t specify that I should meet people who speak English. (LMAO!)

Overall all work and no play makes Dani a dull chica. I have so much on my brain a boyfriend wouldn’t fit. You know when I analyze my past “mistakes” one was that I happened to focus a lot of time and attention to my male counterpart.  What do I have to show for it now? Let’s See: Kanye West’s “Late Registration” emblazon in my mind forwards and backwards, a lovely pink dress, a movie favorite “Demolition Man”, a recipe for Ro*tel, an appreciation for cooking, bats, and aroma warming oils, salt n pepper shakers, reggaeton, Boricua Pride (wait what?) cranberry and peach schnapps.  Could be worst though like a few Jr.’s. I mean Brandolynn is not the best name for a girl. (LOLZ).

 I think I said something like this before but I could go for a little love in life,  I mean I think I just want those first 3 months of awesome “If this isn’t love, then what it is” feelings. After that you can have it. I can be over it. I mean I really can’t believe this. No love in high school- sure no one had any idea of my full potential; college single- sure I was never one to put myself out there like that to be seen and noticed for attention I mean I have but not to that extent, but N.O. L.O.V.E. for me now?

I guess, well I tell you what I have to look forward to….Prince Royce’s new album in April (Pre-ordered) Chris Brown’s new album (about to pre-order) out in May ( I like his bad boy ignorant “bully” image too much), The Dream’s new album and in the mean- time Romeo Santos, es muy sexy, hablo espanol para tu papi.

Overall, I will let the sweet words written by some of the best artist to help me be in love all by myself. I never really needed a counterpart anyway. I have been alone even when I was surrounded by many because I play my own tune. I have never been on the same path as others anyway.  I spent 8 years without a little brother and then we were so far apart in age and in personality I was still an only child.   But if I ever met one of the mention singers then I would drop everything LOLZ!!!!

PS: Probably really not ready for any of the such… I put so much effort in everything else it’s hard to imagine a relationship and that is the truth.

PSS: waiting to see if I accomplished the next goal.      

Stronger....

Dani D Timeline:
1984: Born and transported to Andrews Hospital because:

"Sometimes however a baby will pass his first meconium while still in the womb, before the mother-to-be’s water breaks. If this happens the amniotic fluid will be tinted green. In many cases of hospital births where the baby has passed meconium before birth, a special NICU team will be called when the baby is delivered in case there was ingestion of the meconium into the baby’s lungs."

1996-2002: many years of not understanding myself, and unable to fit in because I didn't see the world as my peers did or should I say my peers didn't see the world as I did...

2006: graduated from HU (real) unable to find a job/landing a part-time for 5years. (still holding the position though)

2007-2008: Hospital Sick, Diagnosis, Emergency Surgery (or die), reveresal surgery

2011-2012: found myself among people with negative energy

And out of all of that the last thing is one of the HARDEST things I have dealt with because I am not a fan of negative energy as a matter of fact I am allergic to it. I struggle to get through my weeks sometimes but I am doing it and I am proud of myself. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and my strength has been building since I was born. I am supposed to be here doing what I am doing right now. Getting my goals crossed off one by one, in order, on/in time...patience has become my best friend.
And the flip side of the above is...

1984: Born (I AM HERE)

1985-1995: Lived a wonder life of a child (Who can forget the summers in base housing???)

1996-2002: Privileged, spoiled, Band Geek, Black American Princess, Debutante, Howard bound, Teachers Pet, Honors/AP (being smart is cute TRUST!)

2003-2006: Howard Life (who can forget nights on the Yard!) Learned alot about myself and started falling in love with who I was becoming

2007-2010: Hey I'm Alright! I think I love me and no one will ever make me rethink or re-evaluate myself again. I will be doing me from now on and I don't care who doesn't like it.  I think teaching will be an ok profession...went back for Master ED. (Found Prince Royce and Bachata hey it makes me happy)

2011: PRAXIS I (completed and PASSED), Summer school position, Fall full-time position

2012: PRAXIS II Elem Edu COMPLETED AND PASSED!

Now my point of all this is not to brag or boast, my message is that even if you go through some awful stuff in life you can get through it and grow and become stronger than before, which will make you unstoppable and totally resistant to BULL SHYTZER! By resistant I mean you will be able to determine that it is BULLS*** and you will be able to make the very important decision to walk away from it making you resistant....(for the most part LOL) I am coming into myself and more than likely will be there by the time I am 30. The overall point is that I am happy and as much as others would like to see me fail...that will never happen because I know who is on my side ^ (My Father who art in heaven YA HEARD!) I am going to celebrate for my accomplishments!

Goals Accomplished for 2012:
1.) PRAXIS elem. edu PASSED
2.)
3.)
ETC... more on the way

Next I will be taking on the SPEC ED PRAXIS! (SO CLOSE)

Tables turn...

So as I'm driving home the song Addicted by mi favorito Prince Royce starts and I get to thinking about my current love life or lack thereof. The song rouses something because of the lyrics starting with: sleeping in /Sunday morning /body's intertwined p/playing fake/ we're awake /but we don't want to rise.... I remember the feeling. And maybe that's missing but don't know. I've been working hard almost non-stop. I'm actually getting nervous because i'll be done fairly soon and although that means more responsibility as a teacher I will have just that. Teaching. But as I accomplish my goals and get closer to the future ahead of me I've harden my heart in my time of being single I've made myself indifferent to my feelings. Like I can't imagine being in love let alone going on a date. I've taken myself to my comfort level of having another celebrity crush that helps me get over being lonely as well as using my dog to fill the void of companionship. I'm numb. I've never been this completely numb but then I guess I'm not completely numb because I'm writing this. Part of me is still mourning El amor que perdimos. The love we lost and really love had NOTHING to do with it. I think the truth is I'm scared of love. It has hurt for the most part and I don't trust it because they love you one moment and have moved on the next. Tu eres Linda is just the same a you are sexy as far as I'm concerned and can be said just as easily. Unnecessary tears drop and I quickly wipe them away to quickly forget...to forget the statistics of black relationships...to forget racism/discrimination that keeps us broken even if the world is turning cream. To forget you and I were ever one to forget that there is such an emotion to
forget the humanistic need for it...but its been mean to me and my beliefs that may be slightly naive but are my beliefs regardless and have kept me going to this point. I'm not doing enough t ignore it or maybe I haven't been ignoring it at all which is why I'm here now. Maybe a year and a half Of lovelessness has been enough. I'm not ready to get back in there only because I wont have the time to be theirs but isn't that the very excuse I hate to hear from a dude isn't that the last excuse that I heard so where do I get off. Maybe I'm just as afraid of what the commitment means as he/they are and I don't know. Not sure I've spent a lot of time fighting to get away from whatever love is that I've closed myself and some of that is OK and some of it is grossly wrong but i'll see in due time.right now I'm sort of blind to it and until my eyes are and heart are opened I guess I should continue to deal with my indifference.

Hello 2012 I'm ready, I been ready!!!

As I watch the movie 2012 we are now about 22 hours (and counting considering this will be posted way after the mentioned) into the year 2012. There is a lot of speculation about this year and the end and as I watch I just don’t think I would be one of those people who would fight to stay alive (spoiler alert for those who have not seen the film) I think I would stay in my home like the president did in the film and chill. In the meantime I don’t believe in such an ending anyway, when the Lord is ready he’ll do his thing in the meantime I know that He has some promises for me. 2012 is a new beginning but not new. Not new start, not new me, not new life, just new things. I have never been more excited about a new year and my life. Usually I have tears in my eyes scared to death of the future and even now I am a little scared because change is always scary but I have so much faith that there will be prosperity. 2011 was the year of many accomplishments. I enrolled in Grad school, passed the PRAXIS I in one try, fell in love with students/teaching and applied/and was hired as a para for the summer and this school year. 2012 takes me in to the second half as a full time para…I have some big time plans for this summer and next fall. I have a few more PRAXIS II tests to take which is another thing I am excited about hoping for another first time's the charm. (currently studying). Of course those are career goals. I do have some romantic goals….

I caught myself saying some mess like 2012 I’ll be meeting my husband. Now I’m not knocking that thought, it is good to speak some things in to existence, but that is not how I roll. It is average girl talk but not MY philosophy. I can’t say a date on or a year, but I do believe that my love life will spark up sometime soon. I mean I have been really blocking that out. Oh yeah I flirt, I chat, I think about that type of thing a lot, but most of the time deep down I know that it’s not time. I am not ready, he is not ready (whoever he is)….so I let it go…honestly I’ve had no other choice…yeah 2011 was the driest I mean it was like prohibition up in here. No love…N-O, L-O-V-E for me….Nada! Ok so there was the flirtations in North Carolina, but come on…. I am starting to get myself ready to open up. I mean I think that I was blinded for a while anyway as I pursue my degree. I tend to get a little preoccupied with the other in the relationship, which leads to losing site of important stuff. Overall love may not happen in 2012, but I will definitely be a little closer….

Ok now enough with the career and love predictions lets talk money…. I need to learn how to manage/budget, I may need to get one of those bill calendar things because I spend money like its water (sometimes) and I don’t have that many bills. I have got to start doing something to start as savings because number one I am going to be taking a trip, I don’t know if I will be able to do it 2012 or if I have to wait for 2013, but there is a friend and a place I want to visit. I have some other financial ideas for this year but I need to sit down and work them out. I am addicted to shopping and I am clearly trying to bury my self in clothes and shoes. All work and no play makes dani need a few outfits. And if its not the clothes, shoes, purses, jeans, dresses its anything for our house, food, oil, electric…some essentials that are important anyway…and somethings that aren’t essentials like chocolate and dvds.

I managed to accomplish all my goals in 2011 except one and I actually held myself back with it in fear of rejection, which was dumb because everything I accomplished I did because God gave me the ok…really I gave him the OK…meaning I finally let go and let God, but I couldn’t seem to see the last one through and that was wrong…. I feel that I need to get on with it…when it is accomplished many will know, but I can only give so much away. I have been trying to make it a habit that I keep such things to myself, that is until it is accomplished of course. This year I made the list longer that five goals I made it ten. I don’t know if I will accomplish them all but I will be giving it my all in 2012.

Goals for 2012
1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.)

Let’s see what happens….

PS: 2011 has given me some things that I never thought I would have made it through. I have grown up/matured a lot (even though I think I have that eternally 16 thing like Mariah (hers is 13) I got through and I learned much about myself and I am about to embark on another journey that will definitely be riddled with enemies and obstacles, but I've got the victory and will be victorious this time next year....

can't

Somtimes you don't know
You have potential
Until someone tells you
Then you either
take a step out
Or push that person away
Ignoring the encouragement
because fear paralyzes you
Disabling you from making moves
Such a shame
You can't see the
Good in you
They are only better than you
Because you won't
Be you....

Unfinished...Untitled...take as is...

I feel so wack
So lonely at times
I start to want to cry
and I just don't know why
I tell myself "get over it,
move on from that shit"
Sometimes I get lonely
Sometimes I get scared
Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it here
The only time I'm happy
Is when I see those smiling faces
get off the buses in the morning
so glad to be in school
Or when I'm behind the desk
helping those silly college fools
Or I'm in the mall
Shopping til I drop
Spending money fills my closets
but I'm still without
And I hate to be that girl
who needs a boyfriend
But I was thinking marriage
and a set of twins
But I will be patient
I may not be ready for that
Plus I am more poetic
when my heart is under attack....

It's the most wonderful time of the year.....

So I am watching TV and I see some commercials that are of people dating or on dates and I was like I am going to be single again…

…again as if for the past 4 years I have actually been single, maybe not but its felt like it, probably because the relationships I was in weren’t the ones I should have been in and therefore failures, such as…

…the relationship that was over by October anyway and never really official ANYWAY or…

…the one that was official, even though he really wanted to break up with me in November, but decided February over Yahoo! Messenger was better or…

…the one who was torn between me and another chica and only went with me because her heart was not over her EX again over before it could begin with the wonderful world of Orders over Seas from Uncle Sam or…

the one who, wasn’t there do to certain circumstances that I can’t complain about, but overall it wasn’t the “ideal” situation to be it no matter how great the gifts were that helped to make up for other bullshyte situations…

For so ODD reason the Fall/Winter season is NOT my time for romance and I don’t get it, because the saying has always been “You get bunned up in the winter (to keep warm) and drop it cause it’s hot in the summer.” You don’t bring sand to the beach. But I have been sand FOR SURE.

As much as I say that I am ok with being single is as much as that on the inside I am saying the complete opposite the difference allow though I see this as something I want I don’t have an urgency for it. When would we have time to do anything ESPECIALLY if he has a job and his hours are anywhere between 3pm- 8:00am because we would be together exactly never…with my hours being 8:00am-3:30pm and class on certain nights oh and those hours at the Library. (Life!!! Life!!! Where art thou? LOL!) But that is who likes me…no matter the position…from Wal-Mart associate, Human Resource Shift Manager, or the damn Po po…. But that is beside the point….I have a plan…and it means that I have to step out a little.

#1.) Read the Dover Post for local events.

            Why is this hard? Because when the Dover Post comes on Wednesday it stays in the driveway until the next Wednesday. FOR SHAME!!! Yeah I know but I haven’t been all that impressed with them since they ignored my resume. Anyway Local Events are a great way for me to get out and do the things I like to do oppose to the other stuff offered, such as a free or cheap ticket price for a museum thing, or something like the Wine thing they had at Dover Downs.

#2.) Look on other event calendars for other Galas.

Wilmington University had a ball of some sort. Now I didn’t attend because sometimes I feel like an old woman trying to play with the teens. But other campus (ESPECIALLY DOVER campus) stuff I should try to go to.

#3.) Pick, Choose, Plan.

            I need to check out such events and plan for them. I have sooooooooo many nice dresses and outfits, for ANY occasion.

#4.) Go!

            I hold myself back from such things. I always have an excuse not to go…EVEN if I ALREADY BOUGHT THE TICKET HELLO! Cold weather will be my biggest excuse, driving second biggest, but overall problem will be pure lazy I don’t feel like doing a damn thing.

#5.) I need to just go wherever anyway!
            I mean why not just go to BBW like what’s good and sit at the bar like what? Or any other bar for that matter? I mean why not?  Someone told me to do this like a year ago, but you know people don’t like to listen plus it wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the time.

Okay so all of this sounds pathetic, but I don’t want to be in a relationship so much as I just want a little out about time, meeting and greeting people I don’t know. Sounds dumb but its more about getting my face out there than anything else, how else will any one know the chick that drives that Green Ru and dresses like a Rock Star ok a low budget Beyonce/Mariah Carey and sometimes Michael Jackson LMAO!!!