This is not an average blog for me, considering my dad reads at times, as does other family members. Sometimes you have to be 28-yrs-old. I’ll go back to being 13 in just a moment. Honestly I am not sure what put this in my mind as I was walking to the corner store. Maybe it was because of all of my daily insecurities that I simply play off. Playing them off doesn’t help that much while getting your groove on though and can play a role in your mentality which can play a role in the physical, which can “rueen” libido. You know what they say it’s not what’s between your legs it’s what’s between your ears. Insecurities that can occur during that intimate moment are as follows:
Seriously can you? There are so many females that deal with this problem on a regular. Unless we are talking about one A-cup and one C-cup, I think you can stop thinking about this…he’s not noticing this…and once you get this off you mind your hormones can start their engines and maybe when blood starts to flow your boobies will become engorges and ending your problem in the moment.(If your boobs are drastically different seek advice from your Doc)
2.)Am I sexy enough?
If he doesn’t think this now then why are about to do the do with this dude? If you are questioning yourself about being sexy at that moment, you probably shouldn’t be having sex, especially if you are under 25 and virginal (the frontal lobe of the brain isn’t completely developed until 25 {which is way I can even write this right now}). If you are a part of the over 25 none virginal crowd, then we need to re-assess the value ourselves!!! (If you are a virgin God Bless you). First of all, no one and by no one I mean the dude, is not thinking about being sexy. Sex is not sexy. (It’s downright gross when you think of it biologically).Cut this out of your thinking , as a matter of fact you have to start thinking about how DAMN sexy you are and how Romeo Santos (please see video) , Channing Tatum, or whoever is your cup of tea are damn sexy….LOLZ
3.)Do I smell ok, i.e. down there?
Hey, I’m just saying….hopefully if you showered and you’ve got that, love spell, pure seduction, or strawberry champagne going then you should be good otherwise you need to see a doctor. For just in case situations carry summer’s eve cleansing cloths, they are packaged individually. To make it sexy why not put out the “hey let’s take a shower together” thing…it will work, because he probably stinks too (men have peculiar odors). He’s not going to say anything anyway until he gets with his boys, [I’ve heard the stories from the fellas] (unless he’s your husband and gives a damn he might want to make sure you are ok since he lives with you and that....).
4.)OMG I can’t believe I am doing this or why am I doing this?
If you are thinking this stop immediately, because you bursting in tears before or after is only going to freak him and cause for more anxiety. Work things out with yourself before partaking of sexual activity. BTW you don’t have to be a virgin to have such feelings….
5.)Does he like this?
Yes. Shut up!Sounds like you and your boo need some dialogue. Yeah I know they can be such d**ks but it is what it is.
Overall, I hope that the relationship that us women put ourselves though is worth all of the anxieties, if not let that be a learning experience and move on. Get right with yourself meaning fall in love with yourself (not with a vibrator that’s not the same thing) Know who you are and love that person. You have to be able to do this before you can move on to a relationship involving another person and especially before you can make it sexual. It’s difficult because a women can come up with a reason for why they are not up to par in a minute, but you have to let that “I’m so ugly, sh*t” go. Even if that hottie at the Sunglass, kiosk in the mall took a double take at you and the reaction was almost as if he wanted to say “never mind” and rueened your shopping experience for the night because you thought you was looking alright!” Oh wait I’m back. Overall let’s love us before we love them, because once you love them…SMH….
Drake's lyrics fit as a title but this song started the thoughts that created this post...
Prince Royce, Chris Brown, Bruno Mars, Romeo Santos, The-Dream, Robin Thicke and even Usher (and every now and then Drake turns me on, call a guilty pleasure) have all been helping to fill the void of being relationshipless.
So glad that's figuratively. (LOLZ)
What makes me even bring this up...well I have had some extra time to walk the dog (my bro has been doing it all winter and it caught up with me) meaning extra time with the music on my phone which includes the crooners mentioned above. “Our First Time” by Bruno Mars shuffled its way to my ear and sent me back to ghosts of boyfriends past. Just the good times on my mind, who wants to remember the bad, I actually try to block out the bad if any at all. I guess the bad is only the naivety of myself, thinking in terms of together forever, when in my logical sub conscious I knew it would be more like 6 months if that...(except that one in college I'm not sure what to say about that).
I have now been single for what like 1 year and 6 months-2years (technically LOLZ, I can also pretend like the summer of 2010 never happened but then I really wouldn't have anything to reminisce about now would I HA!) I am not sure if my single-ness is self -imposed or divinity at its best. I am almost blind to the opposite sex (No that does not mean I can see the same sex) My life has been work all day, class every other night, and the weekends; well more work and homework to boot. Off course every other Saturday I've been hitting up a Latino night at a local saloon.One of the "ghosts” told me in order to meet people I should go to the bar, where I would supposedly meet people. He didn’t specify that I should meet people who speak English. (LMAO!)
Overall all work and no play makes Dani a dull chica. I have so much on my brain a boyfriend wouldn’t fit. You know when I analyze my past “mistakes” one was that I happened to focus a lot of time and attention to my male counterpart.What do I have to show for it now? Let’s See: Kanye West’s “Late Registration” emblazon in my mind forwards and backwards, a lovely pink dress, a movie favorite “Demolition Man”, a recipe for Ro*tel, an appreciation for cooking, bats, and aroma warming oils, salt n pepper shakers, reggaeton, Boricua Pride (wait what?) cranberry and peach schnapps.Could be worst though like a few Jr.’s. I mean Brandolynn is not the best name for a girl. (LOLZ).
I think I said something like this before but I could go for a little love in life, I mean I think I just want those first 3 months of awesome “If this isn’t love, then what it is” feelings. After that you can have it. I can be over it. I mean I really can’t believe this. No love in high school- sure no one had any idea of my full potential; college single- sure I was never one to put myself out there like that to be seen and noticed for attention I mean I have but not to that extent, but N.O. L.O.V.E. for me now?
I guess, well I tell you what I have to look forward to….Prince Royce’s new album in April (Pre-ordered) Chris Brown’s new album (about to pre-order) out in May ( I like his bad boy ignorant “bully” image too much), The Dream’s new album and in the mean- time Romeo Santos, es muy sexy, hablo espanol para tu papi.
Overall, I will let the sweet words written by some of the best artist to help me be in love all by myself. I never really needed a counterpart anyway. I have been alone even when I was surrounded by many because I play my own tune. I have never been on the same path as others anyway. I spent 8 years without a little brother and then we were so far apart in age and in personality I was still an only child. But if I ever met one of the mention singers then I would drop everything LOLZ!!!!
PS: Probably really not ready for any of the such… I put so much effort in everything else it’s hard to imagine a relationship and that is the truth.
PSS: waiting to see if I accomplished the next goal.
1996-2002: many years of not understanding myself, and unable to fit in because I didn't see the world as my peers did or should I say my peers didn't see the world as I did...
2006: graduated from HU (real) unable to find a job/landing a part-time for 5years. (still holding the position though)
2007-2008: Hospital Sick, Diagnosis, Emergency Surgery (or die), reveresal surgery
2011-2012: found myself among people with negative energy
And out of all of that the last thing is one of the HARDEST things I have dealt with because I am not a fan of negative energy as a matter of fact I am allergic to it. I struggle to get through my weeks sometimes but I am doing it and I am proud of myself. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and my strength has been building since I was born. I am supposed to be here doing what I am doing right now. Getting my goals crossed off one by one, in order, on/in time...patience has become my best friend. And the flip side of the above is...
1984: Born (I AM HERE)
1985-1995: Lived a wonder life of a child (Who can forget the summers in base housing???)
1996-2002: Privileged, spoiled, Band Geek, Black American Princess, Debutante, Howard bound, Teachers Pet, Honors/AP (being smart is cute TRUST!)
2003-2006: Howard Life (who can forget nights on the Yard!) Learned alot about myself and started falling in love with who I was becoming
2007-2010: Hey I'm Alright! I think I love me and no one will ever make me rethink or re-evaluate myself again. I will be doing me from now on and I don't care who doesn't like it. I think teaching will be an ok profession...went back for Master ED. (Found Prince Royce and Bachata hey it makes me happy)
2011: PRAXIS I (completed and PASSED), Summer school position, Fall full-time position
2012: PRAXIS II Elem Edu COMPLETED AND PASSED!
Now my point of all this is not to brag or boast, my message is that even if you go through some awful stuff in life you can get through it and grow and become stronger than before, which will make you unstoppable and totally resistant to BULL SHYTZER! By resistant I mean you will be able to determine that it is BULLS*** and you will be able to make the very important decision to walk away from it making you resistant....(for the most part LOL) I am coming into myself and more than likely will be there by the time I am 30. The overall point is that I am happy and as much as others would like to see me fail...that will never happen because I know who is on my side ^ (My Father who art in heaven YA HEARD!) I am going to celebrate for my accomplishments!
Goals Accomplished for 2012: 1.) PRAXIS elem. edu PASSED 2.) 3.) ETC... more on the way
Next I will be taking on the SPEC ED PRAXIS! (SO CLOSE)
So as I'm driving home the song Addicted by mi favorito Prince Royce starts and I get to thinking about my current love life or lack thereof. The song rouses something because of the lyrics starting with: sleeping in /Sunday morning /body's intertwined p/playing fake/ we're awake /but we don't want to rise.... I remember the feeling. And maybe that's missing but don't know. I've been working hard almost non-stop. I'm actually getting nervous because i'll be done fairly soon and although that means more responsibility as a teacher I will have just that. Teaching. But as I accomplish my goals and get closer to the future ahead of me I've harden my heart in my time of being single I've made myself indifferent to my feelings. Like I can't imagine being in love let alone going on a date. I've taken myself to my comfort level of having another celebrity crush that helps me get over being lonely as well as using my dog to fill the void of companionship. I'm numb. I've never been this completely numb but then I guess I'm not completely numb because I'm writing this. Part of me is still mourning El amor que perdimos. The love we lost and really love had NOTHING to do with it. I think the truth is I'm scared of love. It has hurt for the most part and I don't trust it because they love you one moment and have moved on the next. Tu eres Linda is just the same a you are sexy as far as I'm concerned and can be said just as easily. Unnecessary tears drop and I quickly wipe them away to quickly forget...to forget the statistics of black relationships...to forget racism/discrimination that keeps us broken even if the world is turning cream. To forget you and I were ever one to forget that there is such an emotion to
forget the humanistic need for it...but its been mean to me and my beliefs that may be slightly naive but are my beliefs regardless and have kept me going to this point. I'm not doing enough t ignore it or maybe I haven't been ignoring it at all which is why I'm here now. Maybe a year and a half Of lovelessness has been enough. I'm not ready to get back in there only because I wont have the time to be theirs but isn't that the very excuse I hate to hear from a dude isn't that the last excuse that I heard so where do I get off. Maybe I'm just as afraid of what the commitment means as he/they are and I don't know. Not sure I've spent a lot of time fighting to get away from whatever love is that I've closed myself and some of that is OK and some of it is grossly wrong but i'll see in due time.right now I'm sort of blind to it and until my eyes are and heart are opened I guess I should continue to deal with my indifference.
As I watch the movie 2012 we are now about 22 hours (and counting considering this will be posted way after the mentioned) into the year 2012. There is a lot of speculation about this year and the end and as I watch I just don’t think I would be one of those people who would fight to stay alive (spoiler alert for those who have not seen the film) I think I would stay in my home like the president did in the film and chill. In the meantime I don’t believe in such an ending anyway, when the Lord is ready he’ll do his thing in the meantime I know that He has some promises for me. 2012 is a new beginning but not new. Not new start, not new me, not new life, just new things. I have never been more excited about a new year and my life. Usually I have tears in my eyes scared to death of the future and even now I am a little scared because change is always scary but I have so much faith that there will be prosperity. 2011 was the year of many accomplishments. I enrolled in Grad school, passed the PRAXIS I in one try, fell in love with students/teaching and applied/and was hired as a para for the summer and this school year. 2012 takes me in to the second half as a full time para…I have some big time plans for this summer and next fall. I have a few more PRAXIS II tests to take which is another thing I am excited about hoping for another first time's the charm. (currently studying). Of course those are career goals. I do have some romantic goals….
I caught myself saying some mess like 2012 I’ll be meeting my husband. Now I’m not knocking that thought, it is good to speak some things in to existence, but that is not how I roll. It is average girl talk but not MY philosophy. I can’t say a date on or a year, but I do believe that my love life will spark up sometime soon. I mean I have been really blocking that out. Oh yeah I flirt, I chat, I think about that type of thing a lot, but most of the time deep down I know that it’s not time. I am not ready, he is not ready (whoever he is)….so I let it go…honestly I’ve had no other choice…yeah 2011 was the driest I mean it was like prohibition up in here. No love…N-O, L-O-V-E for me….Nada! Ok so there was the flirtations in North Carolina, but come on…. I am starting to get myself ready to open up. I mean I think that I was blinded for a while anyway as I pursue my degree. I tend to get a little preoccupied with the other in the relationship, which leads to losing site of important stuff. Overall love may not happen in 2012, but I will definitely be a little closer….
Ok now enough with the career and love predictions lets talk money…. I need to learn how to manage/budget, I may need to get one of those bill calendar things because I spend money like its water (sometimes) and I don’t have that many bills. I have got to start doing something to start as savings because number one I am going to be taking a trip, I don’t know if I will be able to do it 2012 or if I have to wait for 2013, but there is a friend and a place I want to visit. I have some other financial ideas for this year but I need to sit down and work them out. I am addicted to shopping and I am clearly trying to bury my self in clothes and shoes. All work and no play makes dani need a few outfits. And if its not the clothes, shoes, purses, jeans, dresses its anything for our house, food, oil, electric…some essentials that are important anyway…and somethings that aren’t essentials like chocolate and dvds.
I managed to accomplish all my goals in 2011 except one and I actually held myself back with it in fear of rejection, which was dumb because everything I accomplished I did because God gave me the ok…really I gave him the OK…meaning I finally let go and let God, but I couldn’t seem to see the last one through and that was wrong…. I feel that I need to get on with it…when it is accomplished many will know, but I can only give so much away. I have been trying to make it a habit that I keep such things to myself, that is until it is accomplished of course. This year I made the list longer that five goals I made it ten. I don’t know if I will accomplish them all but I will be giving it my all in 2012.
PS: 2011 has given me some things that I never thought I would have made it through. I have grown up/matured a lot (even though I think I have that eternally 16 thing like Mariah (hers is 13) I got through and I learned much about myself and I am about to embark on another journey that will definitely be riddled with enemies and obstacles, but I've got the victory and will be victorious this time next year....
Somtimes you don't know
You have potential
Until someone tells you
Then you either
take a step out
Or push that person away
Ignoring the encouragement
because fear paralyzes you
Disabling you from making moves
Such a shame
You can't see the
Good in you
They are only better than you
Because you won't
Be you....
I feel so wack So lonely at times I start to want to cry and I just don't know why I tell myself "get over it, move on from that shit" Sometimes I get lonely Sometimes I get scared Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it here The only time I'm happy Is when I see those smiling faces get off the buses in the morning so glad to be in school Or when I'm behind the desk helping those silly college fools Or I'm in the mall Shopping til I drop Spending money fills my closets but I'm still without And I hate to be that girl who needs a boyfriend But I was thinking marriage and a set of twins But I will be patient I may not be ready for that Plus I am more poetic when my heart is under attack....
So I am watching TV and I see some commercials that are of people dating or on dates and I was like I am going to be single again…
…again as if for the past 4 years I have actually been single, maybe not but its felt like it, probably because the relationships I was in weren’t the ones I should have been in and therefore failures, such as…
…the relationship that was over by October anyway and never really official ANYWAY or…
…the one that was official, even though he really wanted to break up with me in November, but decided February over Yahoo! Messenger was better or…
…the one who was torn between me and another chica and only went with me because her heart was not over her EX again over before it could begin with the wonderful world of Orders over Seas from Uncle Sam or…
the one who, wasn’t there do to certain circumstances that I can’t complain about, but overall it wasn’t the “ideal” situation to be it no matter how great the gifts were that helped to make up for other bullshyte situations…
For so ODD reason the Fall/Winter season is NOT my time for romance and I don’t get it, because the saying has always been “You get bunned up in the winter (to keep warm) and drop it cause it’s hot in the summer.” You don’t bring sand to the beach. But I have been sand FOR SURE.
As much as I say that I am ok with being single is as much as that on the inside I am saying the complete opposite the difference allow though I see this as something I want I don’t have an urgency for it. When would we have time to do anything ESPECIALLY if he has a job and his hours are anywhere between because we would be together exactly never…with my hours being and class on certain nights oh and those hours at the Library. (Life!!! Life!!! Where art thou? LOL!) But that is who likes me…no matter the position…from Wal-Mart associate, Human Resource Shift Manager, or the damn Po po…. But that is beside the point….I have a plan…and it means that I have to step out a little.
#1.) Read the Dover Post for local events.
Why is this hard? Because when the Dover Post comes on Wednesday it stays in the driveway until the next Wednesday. FOR SHAME!!! Yeah I know but I haven’t been all that impressed with them since they ignored my resume. Anyway Local Events are a great way for me to get out and do the things I like to do oppose to the other stuff offered, such as a free or cheap ticket price for a museum thing, or something like the Wine thing they had at Dover Downs.
#2.) Look on other event calendars for other Galas.
WilmingtonUniversity had a ball of some sort. Now I didn’t attend because sometimes I feel like an old woman trying to play with the teens. But other campus (ESPECIALLY DOVER campus) stuff I should try to go to.
#3.) Pick, Choose, Plan.
I need to check out such events and plan for them. I have sooooooooo many nice dresses and outfits, for ANY occasion.
#4.) Go!
I hold myself back from such things. I always have an excuse not to go…EVEN if I ALREADY BOUGHT THE TICKET HELLO! Cold weather will be my biggest excuse, driving second biggest, but overall problem will be pure lazy I don’t feel like doing a damn thing.
#5.) I need to just go wherever anyway! I mean why not just go to BBW like what’s good and sit at the bar like what? Or any other bar for that matter? I mean why not? Someone told me to do this like a year ago, but you know people don’t like to listen plus it wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the time.
Okay so all of this sounds pathetic, but I don’t want to be in a relationship so much as I just want a little out about time, meeting and greeting people I don’t know. Sounds dumb but its more about getting my face out there than anything else, how else will any one know the chick that drives that Green Ru and dresses like a Rock Star ok a low budget Beyonce/Mariah Carey and sometimes Michael Jackson LMAO!!!
Usually I am regret free. I live free, do what I do, and live with the consequences. I just don't usually do anything. I don't make bad decisions so I don't usually have regrets. When I do, do something that could leave me with regrets I recognize my mistake and move on... I don't think I will be able to move on from this....
Please don't laugh at me after reading this...
So I spent a weekend with my college bestie in Raleigh, NC. The last night I was there we went out "cause we like to party." While at the party I danced with this guy. I had noticed him notice me long before we danced and hoped he would "holla." He got his chance and we danced for a while. He kept telling me how damn beautiful I was and we chatted through our dance. I noted it was my last night. He noted I should go back to his place. I noted I was leaving in the morning. (my polite way of saying HELL NAW). In all of this I found out he was Filipino and that he liked black girls and some where in there I was kissed on the neck and then kissed a complete stranger (which I am not proud of considering all the grossnesses in the world today but I don't regret it because I never kissed a Filipino before and it was a life long dream LOL {true in so many ways}) It wasn't a french kiss or deep kiss anyway now that would have been effin gross just a peck. (and not the only peck of the weekend, cause we/I like to party) anyway we soon drifted away but still watched each other in the club and then somehow I lost sight of him. Him and his Asian brothers(it was a whole gang in there and all I could think about was America's Best Dance Crew), were no longer in sight. I kind of let it go, danced with my friend and her friends a little more than we turned to leave. I kept looking around but I didn't see the guy, ( I do know his name by the way at least what I think I heard in the club) Just before I walked out I turned back and saw a dude that had been with my dude and everything in my mind and body wanted to go to that dude and ask him where his friend was but my feet wouldn't move,(college Dani would have done, but then again college Dani was young and dumb) I just kept moving. And now I wonder. Not like you know something could come of it, per se, but this guy and I had a stupid crazy attraction. I mean from the time he looked at me and I looked at him I wanted him and I know he wanted me and even if it was sexual (which it wasn't so much that way for me more than likely it was for him) it was deep because it felt like that stuff that they show in movies. You know like that silly scene in Glitter when Mariah was in the crowd and dj dice walks over to her and like he goes in slow motion, thats what it was like. I mean like if I had of had another day in NC, SMH I dunno what would have happened. It just seemed like a lost cause in the moment. Now he may not remember what happened that night; he could very well left the club and never thought of me again but that hasn't helped my mind. I mean I use that to make myself not think of that moment but I haven't stopped thinking of that moment since I came home. As a matter of fact it is the premise to my next story. I mean I am a big believer in Faith and God so then everything took place for a reason right. I mean maybe the reason is just to have the story idea and it is about to be the best story every and sell a million copies. Or maybe there will be a reuniting (wishful thinking) or maybe I am to simply look at this and recognize my mistake so that I don't let it happen again. If that is so I wish that I could move on like I have in other situations. I can see his face clearly and I feel like there is unfinished business. My friend basically felt like it wasn't that serious and the fact that I was out of town made it even better. You know what happens in, name of town, stays in, name of town. I guess. That would work for any other person but I am not the average.... well I already have the story plotted out for the most part so it will be hard to forget as I write something that will be my wishful imagination at its best and its very very fictional. I don't usually write stories that I feel are like completely irrational but this is an irrational situation so...my regret can become a success...that is if I can write and do the story justice. The moment was such an outer body experience that I don't know if I can write it because I am not sure if this Dani was even their when it happened. Maybe that is because when I relive it I am seeing it instead of being it anyway...if there was mistake made it was not having enough time to probably pimp while out of town.
And I wasn't drunk during any of this...most people know my drinking style is slim to none....
“Satan may try and bombard you with negative thoughts, and if he does, realize that those thoughts aren’t you thoughts.” Jesse Duplantis Voice of the Covenant July 2008
I found out that someone talked about me behind my back and I didn’t give it a second thought. I knew that what they said about was wrong and untrue. This betrayal did not cause me to lose sleep or become depressed at all. As a matter of fact rarely am I bothered by what others think of me…its what I think of me that can get me down.
I can be my OWN worst enemy. 2011 has been a big year for me. I have been prosperous…from going for my masters to now getting a position with the capital school district as a full time para…2011 has been my year. All A’s one B, and more money. I just told a college buddy that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Happy not content, HAPPY…. But sometimes it only takes a slight ignorant thought to come to mind to ruin your peace of mind.
It started last night I bought a really nice dress a few weeks ago with the intention to wear it to church only to conclude it’s a little too short. For me it was too short. I said (and the next morning my mom said) that it would be great for a date; you know if a young man asked me to dinner. NOW of course I was like yeah right “who, when, where?” That was disheartening, than I tried another dress and just felt like it over powered my small frame. SO then I was sad because my size and body type is so odd, I have hips and a butt like a black girl, my boobs haven’t been right since 2007. I need an XS/2 in Misses sizes, but how oftern do you see that? So I struggle but I wouldn’t want to be any bigger of course who would??? That will happen as time moves on…so I was in tears because I felt ugly, and because I feel like I don’t dress for my age. I gave up and went to bed. Well as soon as I tried to close my eyes I could only see one face. As soon as I saw this face I thought of how dumb I could be to love this face. This mad me angry at myself for having a heart to love, love can make you so dumb and although I have heard you do have a choice in who you love I am feeling like sometimes I didn’t choice this at all but I guess I did. And maybe LOVE is too strong of a word, regardless the point is I was PISSED at myself and decide to drown myself in the most depressing music I could fine on my phone. Until I fell asleep. The bad feelings I had of myself went into the morning and I found myself lying across the couch saying: “I’m ugly and gross.” This continued to church and it is so crazy that the first person to say anything was talking about this exact thing. Which lifted my spirits a bit. Church always lifts my spirit. The message that the Pastor had was that we were about to move into some of our BEST days. Now I already knew this of my near future but the reminder helped me out of my self loathing. I think that God saw my struggle last night because after church I came home and I have this magazines from Jesse Duplantis and they have been in the floor near my things and I have been meaning to read them so I look at the first article and that is where I found the quote above and:
“So if your mind re-plays negative thoughts about yourself over, and over, recognize that those aren’t your thoughts. That’s a tactic of the devil to get you to speak doubt and give up on your destiny.”Jesse Duplantis
If I stayed in a funk that is exactly what would happen next I would give up on myself.
And that seems so silly I mean. My ego is well fed on a daily basis. I mean an old man complemented me on my eyebrows, and friend told me my Wesley babies are asking for me. I am redeeming myself from my average grades at Howard with my awesome grades at Wilmington University and the teacher I am working with as well as others are impressed by how hard working I am…so I have no reason to really hate myself, except for my heart that tends to hold on to things for longer than necessary. That I do hate myself for but what I need to do about this my heart maybe speak to my hearts future.
When it comes to matters of the heart I tend to just say oh it will happen when it happens. I just don’t want to be some girl who prays for a man that’s not me and I DEF will NOT be praying for a SPECIFIC person to be my man. It’s funny because of ALL things I really felt that I gave matters of love to God but every now and then that bug hits me as I notice young guys who are married, engaged, or booed up. I think what the deuce is wrong with me that no one of equals would like to date me. When I say no one I mean no one black, white, latino, Chinese, (well that Filipino wanted to take me home but that’s not date. LOL!!!) I think that I can only see the surface and that is why this of all things I know I have given God, because I can’t see it all. God has shown me a lot of my future and it is good, but my love life is still vague to me. I won’t see this coming and this is clearly how God wants it. I trust it.
Overall my point is that I MUST remember the way that Satan will try to attack me and I have to speak the word of God over him to make him flee….I am just glad that God is with me and put all the things in my path today so that I would get out of my funk. The magazine that I picked up today I thought was the one that came in the mail recently and that is why I had plans to read it. When I was taking notes I took a look at the date and saw that it was from 2008. I can only THANK GOD for pulling me out before I fell into that mess….but that is what Psalm 91 is for….
Goals achieved for 2011
1.) Enrolled in a Master of Spec. ED. progam
2.) Position Acquired as Summer School Para Professional!
I didn’t watch the VMAs but got word on the street from Facebook and immediately noticed the Beyonce preggo statuses and you know what happened to me that shocked even me…
…I got sick to my stomach. Literally and was on the verge of vomiting. Being that I had eaten tuna fish I really didn’t want to bring that up so I took my dog for a walk and got some air. Of course walking my dog is when I become aware of myself and the answers to my universe. I came to the realization that I was jealous. Jealous…of a celebrity. It seemed idiotic and of ALL things. After I came in for the walk I took time to put my outfit together for work and let that feeling subside. The next morning my mom was telling me that The Today Show was going to be talking about Beyonce’s MTV announcement and I saw the clip and felt ok. Then while at lunch I youtubed the video of the performance was happy for her.
I was really disappointed in my moment of jealousy and in my walk in so many ways confessed my sin, but this type of jealousy has been in my heart before. It’s not my biological clock and it's not a need to be motherly. When I was sick back in 2007 dealing with crohn’s I was really scared that I was going to have to be on meds my whole life and these meds caused miscarriages I would never be able to have a baby. I am no longer on these meds and haven’t been since like 2007, but that stays in my mind and heart. I just don’t take the whole carrying a baby thing for granted. It is something that I know that I am not ready for financially and I have been really focused on making sure I am on the right path for my own life/career, not to mention the fact that I am not married and that is what I want for my life before becoming preggo.
Since that moment I have been feeling pretty happy for Beyonce and when I hear Love on Top I get a little misty eyed because that song will forever be tied to her announcement. At least Bey Bey did it the old fashioned traditional way…she courted, she made her own fortune, she married, continued to be a ride or die chick for her boo, and then got preggo. I think that I am going down that road, just not dating…oh well…I mean men don’t like to ask women on dates they like to ask women to come over and “chill,” which is unacceptable, but that is another blog for another day….
PS: She'll be 30 September 4th....I only wish I could be married and Preggo before 30 but the way it's looking...hmph....I can only hope that if I look 18 now and I am almost 30 than maybe my body is 18 on the inside...NOT!
PSS: I have to trust in God that whatever happens in the years to come that He will be the driving force that helps me through marriage, preggos, staying married and raising the kids.
I may have mentioned this before, but you I have never been out of like for someone. I mean I have always liked someone, you know maybe like a crush. When I don't like someone I probably love someone and I would probably in a relationship. Well I haven't been in an OFFICIAL relationship in like a year and a half or so, but that honestly has felt as such, considering my unofficial encounter. Regardless I haven't and right now I am feeling like I don't want to either and it is weird to me a little. I was walking my dog and the thought crossed my mind, well actually it was my imagination working over time.
First it began with me thinking about this fellow who lives near and I was thinking about how attractive he is and how interesting it would be if he tried to holla (is holla like wack to say nowadays?) and what my response would be and how others would respond and...until I thought about who he is and what he does and if he is at my level (mentally not like money and education, that stuff doesn't make someone better) and if he has thoughts of growth that don't sound like some "gangstas paradise of a get rich scam"...that's when I thought about my feelings of actually wanting a boyfriend. It is so much work. Meeting, talking, getting to know, building a trust, growing in "love", etc etc....I guess if it was with someone you might actually stay with and marry maybe that wouldn't be so freaking tedious. After meeting, falling in then out of love a few times I am like blown and at times feel like I could care less and sometimes I feel like maybe I just have pinned up feelings for that "once upon a time fella" that:
"rocked my world you know you did And everything I own I give The rarest love, who'd think I find Someone like you to call mine"
Of course I just cursed him by saying:
"All that Bullsh*t is for the birds you ain't nothing but a vulture."
But of course you know that an ounce of love stays in my heart because that is the type of person that I am overall, my point is that I haven't been in need of a relationship. Not to say that I haven't seen some prospects, I have been trying to get to the Sunglass Hut cause I seen a cutie, but knowing me he is probably like 18. (Cougar like...).
My overall point is I am actually glad that I am into my own thing right now as a single lady cause the truth is this is like the first time. Before as a young girl in college I was just going through the motions of going to school, my head in the clouds and anything was possible. Then I met someone and my focused changed. My focused changed for damn near 4 years. After that I was lost not because of the break up but because of my encounter with being sick and surgery. Finally now I am refocused with lots of energy going towards my wants, education, and career. Not to say that every now and then I am not thinking about a boo, clearly that's what I talk about in my blogs, but I am doing for me. Now I do worry about once I have everything completely on track that I will truely be on that career woman thing that men tend to be afraid of but as I have stated in a previous blog, I am believing that once everything is on track for me everything will be on track for him whoever he maybe and then by chance as another blog states we shall meet until then....
Songs mentions in this week's episode:
I need a boy friend is actually a play on B2K's Girlfriend
You Rock My World by Michael Jackson
Deuces by Chris Brown
So I was talking with my mom and I said: “I wonder if people wonder why I am single? People think that I am so pretty and cute, I wonder about that…” (When I said people I was not including the jerks on the internet who like to ask: “Why are you single?”)
She said that I shouldn’t worry about that, but if they ask I should tell them I am not trying to settle for anything.
This is the truth….
I really can’t imagine living and loving someone who otherwise makes me miserable. I know what its like and it sucks and I refuse to be in that condition. Settling puts you in that position. No one is perfect sure, but damn, a jobless louse is not the right route I am sure. Even a working louse is still not the one.
I met someone who I feel would be a great candidate for a future, he works, he’s very caring, we share similar opinions and similar interests, he READS BOOKS,and most of all I liked him, but unfortunately there are too many stipulations surrounding him that keeps him from me both physically and mentally. I think I had his heart, but if you didn’t know love is NOT all you need to make, and now you know. So because of the stipulations its on to the next one for me. It sucks, it hearts. I’ve drops a few tears, I reached out, I gave it time, I’ve gotten fed up, I’ve given it to God, but overall I have had to move on, which difficult when you are thinking that someone. I just can’t settle for anything. I refuse.
You know I have tried to lower my, not standards, but expectations, and look at what I ended up with, a break up like a month after he was sent over seas. His problem too young for him to settle (HA!).
Plenty of guys try to talk to me but it doesn’t take too long for idiotic sounding things to come out and jibber jabber that fills me in on the fact that I won’t be able to go with it.
Now I am 27 and that’s not bad. I am ok with being single. First of all I lose too much of my self in a relationship. I focus a lot of time and energy on that person and I don’t have the time right now with school and trying to work hard. Secondly I still have time.
Personally I try to believe that God is working on it and will show it all in due time. I like to think that my dude is still being worked on by God, well I guess we are always being tweeked but what I mean is that my guy is going through a transformationright now and as soon as God takes care of this transformation/enlightenment my guy will be revealed to me and from there….
Clearly I am being worked on for someone in particular too…
I wish my guy was Shia Labeouf…LOL!
It could happen, I’ve have so recently in my own experience learned that God works very very very very mysteriously and works miracles that leave people dumbfounded so who’s to say Shia and I won’t meet and make little Transformer/Indian Jones babies. I’m just saying don’t try to predict God and never say never. (A lil piece of me still loves Marques Houston as well.)
Fourth of July is probably my favorite holiday basically for the fireworks. Sure I have the American spirit and I also support our troops, but overall fireworks are the most fun. Even though this is my favorite I usually find myself a little depressed at this time ESPECIALLY with being single. Valentine’s Day and all the gooshy lovey dovey stuff is nothing to me. I mean I wish that I would get a valentine or have a secret admirer but I get over it and show my mom and brother love instead. For some reason Independence Day is the worst day to be alone.(Second to New Year’s and a the Kiss) I blame Mariah Carey. (Funny how I can fit her into like every blog) On her Butterfly album she has a song called Fourth of July. (FYI the reason I like Mariah has to do with a friend of mine back in the 6th grade who moved away and I just took on that "fandum" and Butterfly came out right around this time) This song talks about young love on the Fourth of July, young innocent, virgin love, that is so sweet and tender enjoying America’s Independence Day. After experiencing this song I have wanted a night like this…I am not so young or innocent, but I still hope for this type of 4th and in all the “love” that I have ever had this day has yet to occur.
Going back I remember one 4th crying while I watched the fireworks with someone who I like to think of as insensitive. Really the problem was that I was expecting my Mariah Carey 4th of July with him instead of realizing he was not that kind of guy. One has to understand the holidays, not just Christmas, my birthday and Valentine’s Day, all holidays, are important to me and my family, so someone who comes from a family where holidays aren’t so important well that can be a strain. The last time I wasn’t single on the Fourth of July was back in 2009, but it wasn’t a Mariah Carey Fourth although it was young and dumb with silly on the side. I had fun but it didn’t have that magic that MC was talking about. 2010 comes along and I was single again…sorta…I am still floating on that “affair” to this day, but we didn’t have a Fourth of July, we had a sweet summer evening complete with wine and a black n mild (did I mention it doesn’t take much to make me happy, I usually allow my imagination to do the rest HA!)
Now it is 2011 and I am along again…no Mariah Carey Fourth of July for me. I mean maybe this is a good thing. FOR ONE I refuse to give up on love, even if I have to be 35 when love finds me. (Yeah love has to find me because I am like standing here waiting HA! and I hope it is before 35 because after 35 I am just going to allow my body to dry and dissolve) SECONDLY, I hope to have a wonderful July 4th with someone I will have the rest of my July 4ths with one day. THIRDLY…I could do without a MC 4th considering in the song it rains on them in the end.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. Corinthians 13:11 KJV
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Corinthians 13:11 NIV
I think finally after a few years I feel like I am putting away childish things. Ok not so much BUT my life is rolling and it appears its the right path. I am doing things that I doubted I would have been able to do years ago. I feel like I must have put away childish things, in a since because my adult world is growing although I am still me. When I say "still me" I mean I am totally a goofball, but I guess maturity isn't the subtraction of that is fun. I think that is something I never fully understood. I speak like a child sometimes, I have child-like thoughts at times, but over all I am doing adult things and achieving my goals...one by one...and the childish things are falling behind as I come into what I am to be....
Goals achieved for 2011
1.) Enrolled in a Master of Spec. ED. progam
2.) Position Aquired as Summer School Para Professional!
Have you ever heard of the “fourth wall”? If you are an actor or work in theatre than you probably know that the “fourth wall" is an imaginary wall between the audience and the actors on stage.Even though I am fully aware of stage rules, I didn’t know about this wall. I mean I didn’t know there was a term for it. My brother informed me about it when he was technically forced against his will to listen to The- Dream and in the song Sex Intelligent, The -Dream sings : Know this song is over….and my brother was like he just broke the 4th wall and I was like what…so my brother began to ramble as he does in the voice that came from our father and tells me all about this wall… so I say oh yeah Marques Houston does that in another song called Mattress Music and he sings: First I want to thank you for buying this cd, I promise when you hear it, you’ll be thanking me….Any way I didn’t think about this wall much until last night!
I have been chatting with a facebook friend for about 3 days now and this person is pretty cool, technically he’s local and because he sort of grew up in Dover/Camden, and went to school around here he is in my safety zone.(Everyone is assumed to be a murderer regardless of the safety zone creditals) So he has my number and wanted to upgrade our convo to a phone call and even though there is nothing wrong with this I am really trying to do these relationship things centimeter by centimeter, not that it’s that serious, I just feel like other situations moved too fast and ended in the same speed…slow motion might make things last longer, or end quicker… I just feel a way about these things now so taking time is best.During our convoI told him his profile pic reminded me of an example internet pic, you know how you like go to a site and it teaches you how to use the site and in the example they have a picture of whomever doing whatever or like you google pictures of something and all the pics are like set up professionally like an ad…that’s what his profile pic looks like. So I said that he might not even be a real person.
One of those internet
not real ppl pics
We both thought that this stuff I was saying at probably 12am or 1 am was hilarious and I guess the idea of him being an imaginary person made him want to call or maybe it was the inconvenience of typing I dunno but I didn’t want him to call me so I told him it would break the fourth wall and it all snow balled in to the most hilarious bunch of jokes ever.
Now I get to the point of this blog…unfortunately I was serious about this fourth wall and I made up excuses so he wouldn’t call but the truth is…fear.I guess I’ve been down this road before…I meet someone virtually or in real life, we chit chat, it’s the best convos in the longest, so much in common, he’s attractive or his personally overrides something that is unattractive, we decide to meet, we date, we crash, and then we burn and I am left to think about how dumb I was for allowing them in my life to begin with.I felt that if he had of called me, he WOULD have broken the fourth wall and the show would plummeted from there. Jinx…a phone call would have been a jinx. Like I was joking saying a phone call would have been like the movie the Adjustment Bureau because he broke the fourth wall and the earth would shatter, something would have shattered.
I know this all seems silly, but sometimes insecurities and emotional wounds create another realm of problems.You get caught up in trying to make sure that you aren’t hurt again. If it stays at a lower friendship level you shouldn’t get hurt right? (Apparently this is called undermining) I think at times my mind is clouded with so much and that is the big reason I decided to try and work on my goals…I tend to get lost while in relationships because I forget my role is GIRLFRIEND not WIFE not even COMMON LAW WIFE. It took me a minute to understand that this is what my mom’s point has been all this time. I just want to make sure at the end of the day I’ve got all that I need for me regardless of who is at my side and if I decide to share it with them or not you know.
The fourth wall maybe imaginary and it is easily broken but try to keep it up for a while, make sure you have a strong foundation in yourself, and then break the barrier. That’s what I’ll be working on.
I had an appointment in which my outfit had to be so so…ok it was an interview…. Now everyone knows that the official interview outfit is a black suit, slacks or a skirt, or blue suit of the same. I absolutely hate this…I mean if there was something I could do away with, it would be the black suit, and at times the LBD, Little Black Dress…sure both are sexy, but at times absolutely boring. (I also don't care for the color black because it is so dreary and slims me in which I don't really need to look any slimer since I have been slimming down anyway and that is pissing off, but that is another blog for another day.)
I thoughtthis interview was going to be a bit more relaxed, so I asked my mom what she thought I should wear hoping she would say kahkis or something…and her response was: "well everyone has been wearing black suits"…(the interviews were in the building she currently works in) so immediately I became disgruntled, and these are the words that came out of my mouth that were etched into my head: “I hate black suits, they don’t show personality.” And as I walked out to walk my dog, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I am too dependent on my clothes.
I thought about that as I walked down the street with the pup. It became clear to me why the basic black/blue suit is used…they want to see you the person…not you the cute outfit. Like if I had of worn the outfit I wanted to wear (which I wore to substitute a 6th grade class and one young lady said: you can dress!) they would have seen the cute outfit, but not me the person. I mean some people use that to their advantage…a woman can use her sex appeal with men…for me that was unnecessary (all women panel).
Overall I felt some kind of way about myself. I felt like a clotheswhore. I thought about my daily activities with clothes and how lately I've been feeling like if I think something is missing from my outfit I need to buy it…like ASAP…like I wanted to wear a particular dress that's brown and cafe with a few spots of fushia and I wanted to highlight the fushia. I have fushia sandals and a fushia purse, but I needed like a fushia jacket because I always need something for my arms, I wanted to go somewhere right then at that moment and buy the piece that I needed, but I couldn't so I had to put something else on. This happens on a regular basis and I by clothes, shoes, purses and accesories anytime I am paid...and that is a problem.
A nice outfit makes me feel good, then if people compliment me it is instant gratification so clothes go a long way, but I should be confident in sweats...and I mean those "I am on my period sweats," LOL! But I don't. I have felt like crying when my outfits weren't coming out as planned. I spend time and money to find items I need to make complete outfits. I guess this really isn't as big of a problem as one might think, but overall I do feel like at times I let clothes speak for me, they say look: isn't this printed dress cute and don't I seem a little bit more personable in it? When really I have to speak real words to be personable.
See this is a learned behavior, my mother taught me LOL!
It is important for me to look good, and when it comes to my look I am also a perfectionist and it bugs the hell out of me if just one piece of hair is out of place ( I have taught myself to realize we can't be perfect so relax) and I also dress for MYSELF. Let's be really people make assumptions everyday based off of how someone looks...I would prefer someone think that I am classy, rich, and a nice person than to think that I am a floosey because I have on some high heels and a short skirt, (not that I wouldn't where this in the appropriate atmosphere) People notice; girls and guys, some people say they like it, some don't and others I KNOW hate (which is another reason for my dressing) but overall I dress the way I dress because I represent myself and I want someone to see a professional sometimes, spunky, or classy, or girlie, most of all womanly. Not trashy or as Destiny's Child described a Nasty Girl. So even though at times my dressing is a lil OCD with colors, matching, accesories, and shoes there is an overall reason. I just need to know how to ensure how to show my personality with or with out the pretty clothes.
By the way I got the job even if it is just over the summer it is a door opening opportunity, which means my goals are so coming along!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Goals achieved for 2011
1.) Enrolled in a Master of Spec. ED. progam
2.) Position Aquired as Summer School Para Professional!
I worry about wrinkles, they say black don’t crack but he I am light skinned and I afraid I will be looking like the cript keeper soon. 
