I need a boyfriend...um not so much........

I may have mentioned this before, but you I have never been out of like for someone. I mean I have always liked someone, you know maybe like a crush. When I don't like someone I probably love someone and I would probably in a relationship. Well I haven't been in an OFFICIAL relationship in like a year and a half or so, but that honestly has felt as such, considering my unofficial encounter. Regardless I haven't and right now I am feeling like I don't want to either and it is weird to me a little. I was walking my dog and the thought crossed my mind, well actually it was my imagination working over time.

First it began with me thinking about this fellow who lives near and I was thinking about how attractive he is and how interesting it would be if he tried to holla (is holla like wack to say nowadays?) and what my response would be and how others would respond and...until I thought about who he is and what he does and if he is at my level (mentally not like money and education, that stuff doesn't make someone better) and if he has thoughts of growth that don't sound like some "gangstas paradise of a get rich scam"...that's when I thought about my feelings of actually wanting a boyfriend. It is so much work. Meeting, talking, getting to know, building a trust, growing in "love", etc etc....I guess if it was with someone you might actually stay with and marry maybe that wouldn't be so freaking tedious. After meeting, falling in then out of love a few times I am like blown and at times feel like I could care less and sometimes I feel like maybe I just have pinned up feelings for that "once upon a time fella" that:

"rocked my world you know you did
And everything I own I give
The rarest love, who'd think I find
Someone like you to call mine"

Of course I just cursed him by saying:

"All that Bullsh*t is for the birds you ain't nothing but a vulture."

But of course you know that an ounce of love stays in my heart because that is the type of person that I am overall, my point is that I haven't been in need of a relationship. Not to say that I haven't seen some prospects, I have been trying to get to the Sunglass Hut cause I seen a cutie, but knowing me he is probably like 18. (Cougar like...).


My overall point is I am actually glad that I am into my own thing right now as a single lady cause the truth is this is like the first time. Before as a young girl in college I was just going through the motions of going to school, my head in the clouds and anything was possible. Then I met someone and my focused changed. My focused changed for damn near 4 years. After that I was lost not because of the break up but because of my encounter with being sick and surgery. Finally now I am refocused with lots of energy going towards my wants, education, and career. Not to say that every now and then I am not thinking about a boo, clearly that's what I talk about in my blogs, but I am doing for me. Now I do worry about once I have everything completely on track that I will truely be on that career woman thing that men tend to be afraid of but as I have stated in a previous blog, I am believing that once everything is on track for me everything will be on track for him whoever he maybe and then by chance as another blog states we shall meet until then....

Songs mentions in this week's episode:
I need a boy friend is actually a play on B2K's Girlfriend
You Rock My World by Michael Jackson
Deuces by Chris Brown

A work in process is out there....

So I was talking with my mom and I said: “I wonder if people wonder why I am single? People think that I am so pretty and cute, I wonder about that…”  (When I said people I was not including the jerks on the internet who like to ask: “Why are you single?”)

She said that I shouldn’t worry about that, but if they ask I should tell them I am not trying to settle for anything.

This is the truth….

I really can’t imagine living and loving someone who otherwise makes me miserable. I know what its like and it sucks and I refuse to be in that condition. Settling puts you in that position. No one is perfect sure, but damn, a jobless louse is not the right route I am sure. Even a working louse is still not the one.

I met someone who I feel would be a great candidate for a future, he works, he’s very caring, we share similar opinions and similar interests, he READS BOOKS,  and most of all I liked him, but unfortunately there are too many stipulations surrounding him that keeps him from me both physically and mentally. I think I had his heart, but if you didn’t know love is NOT all you need to make, and now you know. So because of the stipulations its on to the next one for me. It sucks, it hearts. I’ve drops a few tears, I reached out, I gave it time, I’ve gotten fed up, I’ve given it to God, but overall I have had to move on, which difficult when you are thinking that someone. I just can’t settle for anything. I refuse.

You know I have tried to lower my, not standards, but expectations, and look at what I ended up with, a break up like a month after he was sent over seas. His problem too young for him to settle (HA!).

Plenty of guys try to talk to me but it doesn’t take too long for idiotic sounding things to come out and jibber jabber that fills me in on the fact that I won’t be able to go with it.

Now I am 27 and that’s not bad. I am ok with being single. First of all I lose too much of my self in a relationship. I focus a lot of time and energy on that person and I don’t have the time right now with school and trying to work hard. Secondly I still have time.

Personally I try to believe that God is working on it and will show it all in due time. I like to think that my dude is still being worked on by God, well I guess we are always being tweeked but what I mean is that my guy is going through a transformation  right now and as soon as God takes care of this transformation/enlightenment my guy will be revealed to me and from there….

Clearly I am being worked on for someone in particular too…

I wish my guy was Shia Labeouf…LOL! 

It could happen, I’ve have so recently in my own experience learned that God works very very very very mysteriously and works miracles that leave people dumbfounded so who’s to say Shia and I won’t meet and make little Transformer/Indian Jones babies. I’m just saying don’t try to predict God and never say never. (A lil piece of me still loves Marques Houston as well.)   

"On That Fourth Of July"

Fourth of July is probably my favorite holiday basically for the fireworks. Sure I have the American spirit and I also support our troops, but overall fireworks are the most fun. Even though this is my favorite I usually find myself a little depressed at this time ESPECIALLY with being single. Valentine’s Day and all the gooshy lovey dovey stuff is nothing to me. I mean I wish that I would get a valentine or have a secret admirer but I get over it and show my mom and brother love instead. For some reason Independence Day is the worst day to be alone.(Second to New Year’s and a the Kiss) I blame Mariah Carey. (Funny how I can fit her into like every blog) On her Butterfly album she has a song called Fourth of July. (FYI  the reason I like Mariah has to do with a friend of mine back in the 6^th grade who moved away and I just took on that "fandum" and Butterfly came out right around this time) This song talks about young love on the Fourth of July, young innocent, virgin love, that is so sweet and tender enjoying America’s Independence Day. After experiencing this song I have wanted a night like this…I am not so young or innocent, but I still hope for this type of 4^th and in all the “love” that I have ever had this day has yet to occur.

Going back I remember one 4^th crying while I watched the fireworks with someone who I like to think of as insensitive. Really the problem was that I was expecting my Mariah Carey 4^th of July with him instead of realizing he was not that kind of guy. One has to understand the holidays, not just Christmas, my birthday and Valentine’s Day, all holidays, are important to me and my family, so someone who comes from a family where holidays aren’t so important well that can be a strain. The last time I wasn’t single on the Fourth of July was back in 2009, but it wasn’t a Mariah Carey Fourth although it was young and dumb with silly on the side. I had fun but it didn’t have that magic that MC was talking about. 2010 comes along and I was single again…sorta…I am still floating on that “affair” to this day, but we didn’t have a Fourth of July,  we had a sweet summer evening complete with wine and a black n mild (did I mention it doesn’t take much to make me happy, I usually allow my imagination to do the rest HA!)

Now it is 2011 and I am along again…no Mariah Carey Fourth of July for me. I mean maybe this is a good thing. FOR ONE I refuse to give up on love, even if I have to be 35 when love finds me. (Yeah love has to find me because I am like standing here waiting HA! and I hope it is before 35 because after 35 I am just going to allow my body to dry and dissolve) SECONDLY, I hope to have a wonderful July 4^th with someone I will have the rest of my July 4ths with one day. THIRDLY…I could do without a MC 4^th considering in the song it rains on them in the end.