Resistance

Seems the more I try to dig myself out the deeper I become or so I feel. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day. So funny you work part-time you have all day to do something but not enough money to do what you want. Full-time and you got the money but no time. But I like no time with a full-time job, I just have to learn how to use time wisely. 

I learned in my Applied Behavior Analysis class that when you try to change something's/someone's behavior at first you will see resistance, but you have to keep going. 

Life is resisting. Negativity is trying to surround me as I try to remain positive enough to get out of my house. Otherwise I would be like those you see on Hoarders Buried Alive or the people who ate themselves to 700LBS and are unable to get out of the house. 

With resisting I have to keep working hard so that eventually what resists realizes life, the one I want will happen. I maybe the "thing" or the "one" resisting simply because sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. But what am I supposed to do? I have to take care of my mom, the household, my brother, I have to go to work make sure  everyone there is in order, I have to make sure I am taking care of school and when I get to me, its time to go to bed. right now is not the best for me because clearly I hate myself at the moment. I can't seem to make myself happy. I feel angry but I put on a smile and I hide the inner disdain for this world and myself. 

I mean I have a trip planned that involves meeting my most favorite superhero ever! The most epic (based on time as a ranger and as a leader) I am so for sure that I will get to stand next to the man (I will probably touch him and that make me feel faintish) but I feel so miserable about something that almost seems invisible I haven't been able to wrap my mind around it. I have been talking about it almost everyday since I began to talk about the possibilities of going as it gets closer the more I feel drowned in my unfulfilled self that it almost doesn't matter. (Ok for JDF it matters the very idea that I will be meeting him makes me feel 75% better) 

And maybe I see others and i feel like they must be doing all the things that they want to be doing, but isn't that the front that facebook makes available to us all. 

OK ok  Ok ok ....writing all of this doesn't change the fact, it just let's me make a little room to breath. I can pull myself out of this. I did before (or did I) and I'll do it now.  Clearly I can do all things in Christ!! All I need to do is snap out of it and get it right. I need to pray my anger away because who am I mad at? Me? You? Them? Stress is the #1 thing I hate, anger causes is stress. I will not let anger and stress make me a bitch on top of being depressed. 

One thing I need to do before I go is accept myself for who I am. (very hard to tell just who I am) I don't fit into a category and maybe that is my problem but I need to get over it and handle my unique characteristics that make me...me. I have to be ok with the crazy mess that is Danielle because I can only be me. Anita birthed it and Donald gave his $0.05 so I look like them and sound like them, and occasionally my actions imitate them as well, but who I am the inner being, was created through my unique personal experience, decisions, and mistakes/lessons learned. I have to remember to be ok with that inner being and to keep my head up high and be confident in me. Almost like the saying: "Never let them see you sweat." I don't want to say something and then be countered then respond like I am unsure of myself, that shows a weakness. I don't people to walk away thinking I don't believe in my own believe. I don't want to appear to be on the fence. 

Anyway more nightly walk the dog prayers are needed as well as a little pep in my step...I must remember Rome wasn't built in one day (or so the say)....

I am comfortable enough to post me like this: 

(Side Note: Instagram makes everything look epic) 

It's Daniella the great again....back from Delaware the state again...

LOL...yeah that is a rap I made up back at Howard during my Dipset days. But I am back kind of sorta.... As the random chick in the store said: You don't look good until you get your hair done, you can be completely fixed up, but if your hair ain't done it don't matter." POINT: I got my herr did. I feel like I am BACK. 

Not only did I get it did but I knocked one of my End of 20's bucklist goals out. It wasn't featured on the list as seen on this blog but I have been thinking and talking about cutting my hair for a while and I did it!

WooHoo! Here it is: 

I got it cut...ok not too much but I mean my stylist layered it and did a bunch of stuff I never asked for before in all the years I have been going. The last time I got my haircut was in 2003 and it really wasn't my choice but my hair was so damaged from another situation that it had to be done. Today was my choice. The thought had been there for a while but last night and some of this morning lead me to the decision. I didn't tell my mom because I knew she would say stuff against as she would also say something like but do what you want. I did do what I wanted to do, so maybe I did a little bit of that YOLO stuff too....I would have gone shorter but I wasn't ready...I mean when I do the tighter curls it will look shorter anyway.... Wow I can't believe I YOLOed for myself.

So not only did I get my haircut I am so excited to say that I will be going to an Anime Convention and will hopefully meet Jason David Frank!!! My Power Ranger hero! This is another End of 20's bucket list. 

When I first made up the list with to go to a Con as they are known I never thought that it would happen this year. I worked hard trying to figure out how I was going to make to LA, Orlando, or Baltimore. I really thought we would be going to Anime Festival Orlando, but my mom had total knee replacement surgery and we figured she might not be good to go by then. So the trip was canceled before it was booked. Then a friend of mine from High School AND fellow Howard Alum was like "You know he'll be in Baltimore" and I was like yeah and it took off from there to know the hotel is book and the tickets are pur-chased.  I am stupid excited. I mean I would have loved to go to the Morphicon in Pasadena but not only does it cost too much to get there but JDF canceled his appearance (not that I wouldn't love to see Johnny Yong Bosch who was instance put in JDF's place as guest of honor).

I mean this is as big as the time that I was able to shake Marques Houston's hand back in DC. JDF is classic, legendary, EPIC and best of all, a regular dude aside from the 7th degree black belt and power ranger several times over. 

So let's see: 

1.) Hair

2.) AnimeCon

3.) Meeting JDF

4.) YOLOing

Next up I will need to get tatted, talked about it long enough, It probably won't be that big. What stops me is being unsure. I mean its so cool to get a tat then again tatted bodies are so prevalent why not be different and have untouched skin. Clearly JDF is not the one to look to as he is tatted damn near from head to toe. (he better not ever mess up that pretty face) And my EX from years ago always said: Why mess up a perfectly good...well never mind.  A butterfly with japanese text of some sort would be awesome, but that is still up in the air. Let see there was also flying and jumping out of an airplane takes lots of money (but I could do it with JDF if I had that money LOL) Singing in front of people was also on the list and what is funny is I was about to post a video of myself singing on YouTube for this contest from Eyeshine (the band I have been listening to), but it just wasn't working out, I was trying to get a professional sound from very unprofessional equipment smh. Getting professional pics done has been on my list of things to do for years, but now I am trying to figure out why? Overall I mean I am four things in so can only go up from there right? In the meantime I never did speak of 2012 accomplishments...I mean in one of my blogs I announced how I passed the Elementary Education Praxis. I also mentioned that I would have news about the Special Education Praxis and I passed it as well!!!!!!!! I have NO idea what other goals where on my 2012 list and it doesn't really matter I believe I am making progress in my life....overall I am having fun.

PS: I still need to take myself to dinner. Crab legs and Moscato!!!!   

Rut...

At some point between yesterday and today I realized I am in a RUT. It's one of those ruts that you don't realize you are in until you are neck deep in clothes and shoes.

I was going to write this blog about my current love life or lack thereof. I think this is the first time in my life that I don't have a crush on anybody. Like no man who I literally know is holding my attention at all. I have never been in such situation. (Had crushes since I was six, my first crush was on a third grader lmao) I have been single since 2/2010, which isn't that long and didn't feel that long considering I filled that year with two flings...College Boy and Mi Amor, which were both complicated situations that were entwined at times. Once I got over the latter, I have been crush free, but I did fill that void with what else? Ridiculousness...first Prince Royce, who helped me deal with after affects of having a latin love.
  Oh course he is young and untouchable. He became my latin Marques Houston. Luckily that fell off a little because although I liked his album "Phase II" I didn't like it as much as his first album which means he has lost my attention in so many ways.

s

Jason David Frank, MMA fighter and 7th degree black belt Karate Entrepenuer

I don't know what happened after I drifted away from Prince Royce, but some how 28 year old Dani, made her way back to 10 year old Dani, and I binged on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I told you this is not sex in the city. This is sex in  Angel Grove. It all went down hill when 1.) I found out Nicktoons had PR Dino Thunder in syndication (featuring Dr. O better known as Tommy the Green Ranger) and 2.) A free trial of Netflix which has all the Power Rangers. I have gone absolutely nuts, watching interviews, videos, massive crap on youtube of the power rangers lots of Jason David Frank (Green Ranger) Lots of Johnny Yong Bosch (2nd Black ranger) Love them! They have filled alot of free time. (Please look for future posts about meeting JDF...HYFR!!!)

Johnny Yong Bosch, voice actor for Ichigo of Bleach and live action actor

I have another love though, probably more than JDF, or JYB. My ultimate love and lover. I mean as long as I am Mama Warbucks, this thing loves me so much. I alone have helped the struggling economy....Shopping is my boo. I take care of shopping and shopping takes care of me. It almost doesn't even matter where I do the shopping, as long as I have money I will buy anything. (you mean like that Power Ranger bag with the Megazord on it or the monthly fee for both Netflix ANDClubfitness) Its clothes and shoes that ESPECIALLY make me happy. When I can't make it to a store, Amazon is ALWAYS there to fill that need that itch to pur-chase something. 

And this is what lead me to this particular blog entry. The rut. I am not a hoarder, but damn, I have bought soooooooo much crap between last summer and this summer that my room looks like a clothing store threw up in it. The rut comes from the fact that 1.) I clearly can't stop shopping (only when my bank account says stop) and 2.) I can't seem to be able to put any of it away. Its like I just go to my room sit on the bed, paralyzed then move my attention to MMPR or related movies. I will be going to an Anime Convention (JDF will be there) and so I have been trying to watch every Bleach episode. Aside from my extracurriculars I have been working and going to school. School started the whole situation (Putting the blame on something else) School work comes before everything (for the most part) Sick thing is I have had one full week of no classes, and I have only analyzed MMPR like the show wasn't made for elementary school students and watched all the videos I can on youtube. Did I mention Eyeshine? Oh yeah that is Johnny Yong Bosch's band. Also bought their music and have been listening everyday since June 1. My rut goes further...taken care of myself...not so much....yeah I was supposedly going on a no meat health kick, some how I got fatter, going to the gym, been there once since I signed up in May, and my hair??? My hair??? I have been faking with wet and wavy. I use water, oil and wrapping foam to  have that crinkle look and keep it moving. I probably haven't had my hair done since April or worst March. I don't even need to talk about other things that involve hair. BTW I will have a point in a moment.
My love life clearly doesn't matter to me. I don't work towards making any aspect of my life dateable, (as in "apartment" aka the garage my mom gave me) I don't make me available plus I look to be 15 years old (so not complaining at 28) I just appear to be jail bait.  I am not helping MYSELF....sure I am working hard at my job, and school, prosperous in that aspect, but I am totally whack in other aspects. I need help and that is what I realized...in all of my knowledge that I am clearly in a rut I have not stopped to get on my knees and say: "Hey God, help please." When we are prosperous in one or two areas, like with money, work, grades, it makes it seem like everything is great when really one can still be incomplete. To fill my incompleteness I filled it with what I have always filled it  with fantastical adventures via the Megazord. So tonight I need to bring it back with a good prayer...The line "Jesus Didn't Tap" can no longer be my bread and water, its not enough. Maybe I will get myself out of the ridiculousness save some money and move to a higher position in prosperity opposed to being stuck in one place becoming complacent.

PS: This blogger is called: "This is Not Sex in the City" and I wanted to talk about living in Dover and all that there is not to do here, but i get caught up on other things. It doesn't matter anyway. I will just say that I have been to Fraziers (The Lobby House) more in one month, than ever, because my first time was June.  Retirement Party, then Birthday Party, August will be my high school reunion and it will be there a well...there is my Dover girl moments.

PSS: If I decide to take myself to dinner, for crab legs and a glass of moscato, I'll get back to ya...smh!