Back to Action

The right thing to do would be my homework, I clearly excel at the wrong thing. I wouldn't be able to do my homework anyway. I want to call this week the most horrible week ever but that would be lying. It's far from the worst and closer to the best. It started on a terrible note and I have been falling into a depression ever since. I killed my computer, oh you know the one it was practically BRAND NEW as I purchased it in February. And with the silliest decision I killed it in one DROP. If you haven't realized it yet I am a let's see, I called myself a "Morpher" once, I like to think of it as a Morphicon, but con stands for convention. In an analogy I am to Power Rangers as a trekkie is to Star Trek...get it...it's been stated in previous blogs as well as status updates on facebook. (Yes this ties in to the death of my computer and depression let me get to it). If you know me then you are aware of the fact that everything that I like/love I tend to get fantical about, I can't help it, if I could I would change because my fantasism has cause great pain in my life being that most people do not understand such fanatisim. Well I sort of took myself on a Power Ranger binge (yes I am adult but each of us has something we love to that degree, for some its alcohol) Like everything I took this binge to the next level as I have been finding the work of "EX" rangers (technically none of them are EX rangers because the motto is once a ranger always a ranger {not YOLO}). Getting back on track to the death of what was becoming my cuttie buddy (as I began sleeping with my computer, as in side by side) I found an awesome Thriller/Horror/Martial Arts film with Johnny Yong Bosch a.k.a Adam the second black ranger after  Zack and Karen Ashley a.k.a. Aisha the second yellow ranger after Trini. I found it on Amazon and it was not even a question I bought it and that was that. I watched loved it and wanted to share it with my mom. Not quite sure why I turn to my mother with my fanaticism she hates all that is Power Rangers due to my adoration as a 10 year old, but this was a movie that had nothing to do with such rangers sort of.... We watched the movie and she missed the ending as she falls asleep on most movies. But I kept her awake as I HAD to take it to the next level...next thing I know I am trying to show all these movie trailers and MMA fights with Tommy (green white red black ranger), all the con interviews....basically I started "morphin" or as the Power Rangers say: "Power Up" and a CLEAR poor choice was conceive and my computer fell from its pertch onto the floor cause the screen to do as they say crack. Now at first I was like no problem, it is still viewable on my tv with the HDMI cord. Got through the night with out Morphin, got through the morning without Morphin, took the computer to best buy where the proceeded to tell me that Dell would charge me more to fix the computer than I actually paid for the computer, I walked away with tears in my eyes to price another computer. All hope was not lost being that my pop pop knows many people with many different talents one being fixing computers for a decent price. In the meantime I have to wait, not just on the dude to fix it but also on the money for just in case have to buy a new one. This was all on Saturday....You don't know you are addicted to something until you are hunting for your remote control so that you can look on your DVR to watch a re-run of Power Rangers Dino Thunder, for a hit. At first I was like I can do this cold turkey and then I failed. Last Night I watched Might Morphin Power Rangers The Movie, and Power Rangers Turbo The Movie...AND the movie I showed my mom on that fateful night I killed my computer....

I said all of that to get to this next story:

I needed the computer to break, I realized today that I need to take sometime to pray. I think maybe during my childhood alot of my fanaticism was my way of coping or lack thereof to reality. What is reality? My reality is that I  tend to separate myself from others. My reality is that my main squeeze is my Dog. My reality is that people are mean and will try to hurt you. My reality is that this is literally not "sex in the city." My reality is I haven't been on a date in like two years maybe. My reality is that I'm not getting any younger. My reality is that it will be a few more years before my career is where it should be as far as me becoming a teacher. My reality is I often feel pathetic. My reality is that my mom is not getting any younger, and my old people are slimmer. I have my maternal pop pop and paternal grandma. My aunt and uncles are older. I am becoming the "matriarch" in my household (in so many ways). ETC ETC ETC.... On top of all of this I got my first bad grade of my WHOLE WILM U experience and my current class seems to have left me (I can't focus) and I haven't had the best experience in my first full-time job. So what did I do? The same thing I did when I felt alone when I was 10. As Tommy said to the Dragonzord as he was losing his powers, "One more time, old friend." With the help or should I say Thanks to netflix I watched ALL of ZEO, found out there had been Alien Rangers, and watched Turbo until the last of the Tommy era turned there powers over to a new group of "teenagers". It helped me forget about things or at least made me think of them less. It can be considered a stress reliever.

It was important for my computer to break because sometimes as you run away from what is deemed bad you lose sight of some important things like God. One thing I take away from my Power Ranger abuse is: "Jesus didn't tap." Jason David Frank best known as Tommy is a christian athelete. As a MMA fighter or Mixed Martial Artist, he created the Jesus Didn't Tap line of MMA clothing. In MMA when a fighter is pinned they tap out. In Jesus' fight he did NOT tap out. He continued and rose again.... In all of this I am so glad to have this in the back of my mind and every now and then as I abused the rangers I would say to myself Jesus Didn't Tap....Meaning that through all my struggles I can depend on him. Today in the clarity on my "sober" mind I knew that it was time to pray. I tried to deceive myself. I tried to hide under the covers. I turned my mind off and I put on a Poker Face or to keep with the ranger talk I put on my helmet and stopped paying attention to the fact that there are enemies all around trying to stop my success.

The silly thing is that just as Power Rangers helps me to chill out, it brings back old memories of the past, such as the number of people who think I am silly for liking such a show. The awkward-ness of adolescence and the awkward-ness that is ever so present in my life. It makes me rethink the person I am...it makes me wonder about the person I am becoming. So as many drugs it is just as much a demon as it is a savior.

It all makes me realize that I won't be able to get anywhere without accepting who I am first....a woman, who although smart likes the not so evident things, a woman who's not settling, a woman who has options, a woman who's great no matter what others try to say. I have to like me sometimes that is hard because sometimes I am not sure who me is.... I must trust God's will for my life after all he promise everything would be great.   

PS: Sometimes I forget about the resources closes to me like my little brother, I think that I don't think of him as someone to talk to because he is so much young and we have very separate interest but he and I had a chit chat. He always proves to me that he is fairly wise for his age.  I just hope that I can get a enough strength to get out of this funk.

What My Friend Danielle Taught Me Sophmore Year...

First...yes in college my best friend's name was Danielle. Yes my name is Danielle. Yes we had lots of Double D/twins nicknames.

Now that we understand that I am not talking about being bestfriends with myself (which is a totally different blog in itself) I was just feeling despair. In my last blog I noted somethings that I wanted to do before I turned 30. The number one thing was to go to an anime convention or a power ranger convention. (Hey we all have interesting tidbits in our closets.) So I was looking into a couple on the east coast, one at Baltimore and one in Florida. I looked up prices and hotels and it seems like I either can't afford to go or really its a lack in courage. I don't have a travel partner; that is going on a trip no-no number 1. (Power Rangers should have taught me that, i.e putty attacks on lone ranger in the park more importantly real life should have taught me that i.e. Natalie Hollaway) I also don't have a clue about the Baltimore Surroundings or Olando Surroundings either. If I were to go to Florida it would be my first time on an airplane, which would also take care of another before I am 30 goal.  But as I said before I started to look at prices and directions and hotels, and guests or lack thereof and transportation...etc and I fell into the pit of despair finding that not only has my courage to go fallen, but my positive optimism has also fallen. That's when I thought of a valuable lesson Danielle taught me.
I like to think of it as: Where there's a will there's a way, subtitled: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.
Freshmen year at HU, I expressed my fanaticism for Marques Houston, IMX, and B2K. Danielle has some fanaticism for Omarion, the following year led to her plan: Operation get us to the Baltimore Show. She planned it out all the way, First we would take the metro to the last stop on greenline of the Greenbelt direction which was, Greenbelt, then we would take the BWI bus to BWI, then we would take the MARC train to the Mariner Arena, see the concert, then walk a short distance to Baltimore Greyhound to be dropped off at DC greyhound in which we took a cab back to HU. Me being who I am thought well sounds good to me lets go...go we did, we made it there and back together. It left me feeling like traveling could be easy. Going to a place finding the transportation system and going wherever was possible.
I was proud of Danielle for that day, that experience, she made it happen. My personality doesn't always call for such attitude of "By any means necessary," if it did I certainly would not be sitting her in the bedroom I grew up in writing a blog about going to a convention because I would be the convention. Another secret in my closet is I have always had an interest in voice over work (and acting), but it is not a career highly promoted and being that the introvert of me is pratical, I never think of such. The person that I want to be gets lost in the person who is the introvert, by the way introvert's name is fear. Fear is always a handicap.... Dover, the close knit bubble of a city hasn't helped and my extroverted self displays herself in small pieces that I keep hidden in my the closed space of my bedroom. Even the very thing that I really do love and want to share with the world, what I am doing right now, my words, my writing, my stories, I hold close rarely sharing, only with those who I think I trust in the moment, have the privledge of reading my material. Fear is crippling, fear of failure, fear of mistakes, fear of people who will hurt, fear of actual success....Locked in my own personal jail...I have the key to get out but comfort and fear of the unknown keep me from walking out....

If only I could go back to Fall 2003, and get a little bit of the spirit that led Danielle to finding a way to get us to the show...maybe I would get futher than an Anime Convention, further than the Morphincon, further than flying on an airplane for the first time...maybe I could get to published author, acclaimed voice over actress, and be a teacher (lots of nerves as I near completion of Master's program)

 When will I start living? Or should I accept myself as I have been? We all can't be the beyonce's or in my case the Jason David Frank's (ranger)  or the Johnny Yong Bosch's (ranger/voice over), we all can't be the J.K Rowling's (harry potter fame) or Hellen Keller's Teacher's (special education teacher he taught hellen keller who was blind deaf and mute how to communicate) of the world. Some of us have to be peasants who watch in awe of those who do by any mean's necessary...right?

End of Twenties bucket list...

So if you're my facebook friend then you might have  noticed I have been on a Mighty Morphin Adventure. Some people get it others not so much and that's ok. I am who I am and I can't be anyone that I am not...(always writing poetry).  One thing that I always wanted to do was go to a Morphicon, which is essentially a power ranger convention, geek much? On a recent trip to the bathroom A.K.A the thinking room, I started thinking about this wish and other things I want to do. Bucket list, but I don't plan on dying anytime soon, BUT I will be 30 SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON, so how about an End of Twenty something bucket list. Unfortunately I have what's left of this year and next year to try to complete everything now I better think of things to do....

1.) MMPR/Anime Convention-
I HAVE to go to one....I know, I know, you liked the power rangers when you were like 12 and never looked back, you didn't even know Tommy the green/white ranger was also the red zeo/turbo ranger and came back as Dr. Tommy Oliver in 2004 to work on Power Rangers Dino Thunder as the black ranger, but I did look back and I also found out that there is a whole underworld of MMPR fans, who still adore MMPR like being 12 was just yesterday. This is something I could push away, push out of my mind and ignore, but everytime Haim Saban creates another set of rangers I would feel it I would hear it in my mind. And whenever Jason David Frank's (Tommy) powers fade for good as in death, I would be heartbroken in the fact that I never got to see him in person. (the way I felt when Dick Clark died and I never experienced a Clark New Year in NY)

2.) Singing for real, in front of real people-
Someone: "Do you sing?"
Me: "uh, i try."
My brain: "Yes, sing sing sing."
My stage fright: "don't you might mess up."

The inner struggles of myself. You know it only takes one tramatic experience to ruin all future endeavours. One moment when you didn't know the lyrics to the song Weak, by SWV and was once again dubbed as a non-african american...smh. I am not going to sit here and be like oh yeah I can sing, but I think I have an ok voice. Ok enough that I would sing in front of an audience, why do I continue to say I would do it but I haven't...scaredy cat...duh....as a matter of fact what I would LOVE to do is go to an open mic night, with my flute, play something and sing. I am definitely bad at the flute, but i could practice and sound decent enough. Although my fear of playing that thing in front of people is worst than that of singing in front of people.

3.) Tatted
This one is a hard one to pull off, because I don't know if I want to be so permanant. Eventually chicas without tats will be hard to come by, I would be one of those chicas, yet I feel like a tat is one of those coming to age things that we all must go through. I may be wrong. All I know is I have wanted a tat for at least 4 years now and there is no real reason why I should not get one.

4.) Fly in an airplane-
Yes I am being so sincere when I say I have never been in an airplane...wait I take that back I have been in the back of a C5 on DAFB during an air show or something, but I have never been an in airplane as it is in the sky. Of course if I accomplish number one then I would accomplish #4 as well.

5.) Get professional pictures of myself-
I am not talking about a passport photo...I have always wanted to have pics taken of me either on the beach or against a brick wall somewhere, something where I am looking fierce, something where the lighting is right and the the outfit is right and the hair is right and someone other than myself is taking the picture.

Yeah this list is weak so maybe:

6.) YOLO...lol haha, meaning you only live once so I should live, I should do things. The sad thing is this is the reason I started this blog and I have not YOLOed outside of the freaking mall....smh. YOLOing in the mall is when you buy something over budget and your excuse is YOLO. Other ideas:

               *audition for a play
               *bungee jump
               * move out on my own
Anything else???

SMH at the highlight of this list being to meet MMPR.... I told you This is not sex in the city.....