Take Em To Church...

So today its Sunday. My mom asked me if I was going to church and I was like no. I decided I had a some other ideas for my day.
She was like: Doesn’t that make 3 weeks. (Of missing church) Did you quit?
Me:

Here is the deal, I don’t keep count of that. That is something that she is convicted of. When she misses a Sunday she will say:  Ain’t been in 2 Sundays, Ain’t been in 3 Sundays. I admire her though because the times that she doesn’t physically go she actually livestreams it.

Today I had to say something, because it’s one thing for you to say to yourself I haven’t been in 3 sundays because that is your conviction its another thing to throw that at me as if I am bad because I haven’t been and then to say: “Did you quit?” 🤦‍♀️ Eh mom come on. 🤦‍♀️  And what was really a blower when I thought about it was; can you really fault me for missing it last Sunday when I was out of town. Please understand that I am not upset or angry at my mom, although she may have thought I was, I get it cause as I have stated that is her conviction. We often for lack of a better word, “judge” others from our own guilts/ convictions.
I am NOT RIGHT for NOT going. I am NOT WRONG for NOT going. I made a choice for myself.  So far I think I used my time wisely. I did some skin care (I had gotten lax since I came home from my trip). I decided to make a cup of tea (I found one last pack of my Rose Hibiscus Skin Detox Yogi tea). I took my dogs for a nice long walk, took a few selfies and listened to music. Very self caring. Something I needed. I also REFLECTED. I thought over the situation. I thought about the fact that although I don’t worry so much about time I miss from being in church, I did consider the blessings missed from NOT going to church. Not going to lie my prayer life is lax. I carry my prayer in my heart and hope that God knows my heart.  NOT EVEN GOING TO LIE a few setbacks in life has made it difficult for me to gather the best words for a prayer. We learn “ask and you shall receive”, but what we also are taught “God’s WILL be done.” I have figured out that I OBVIOUSLY have no idea what I really NEED and that what I WANT must not be for me or must be rather outrageous. So me not going to church is me missing good prayer, and the opportunity to hear others pray and to use/accept their words over me. I also miss the opportunity to be amongst a huge group of people who are all praying which is most powerful.

Essentially, I miss the blessings that I would have likely received in church than just being out here in life all Willy- nilly. BUT understand that THAT is what I received as insight to the matter. True, God spoke to me outside of church because remember YOU are the church not the structure, BUT it is still important to make it to the structure every once in a while for fellowship and joining with others in prayer, and also to hear the word. How many times have I been in church and been struck with an idea or felt motivated to do certain things? That is what I (ME) need to consider when I deciding if I am going or not going to church.
Reasons to go to church 

Bad Investments and Wrong People

I had several “you’re kidding me” moments involving ”friends”. I was discussing this with my friend Jazmin (please see my post about Jaz) and she said: “You are just investing time into the wrong people. They aren’t necessarily the people who are going to be able to make you feel your best.”

That statement really helped me out.

I took it as: “STOP INVESTING YOUR TIME INTO THE WRONG PEOPLE.”

AND I KNOW THIS!!!!!

It is important to have a good support system in place because everyone doesn’t always have the best intentions for you in your endeavors.

I learned many years ago that everyone isn’t a friend and even those who are nice to you, can’t always be trusted.

I often shield myself from such toxicity and insincerity.

I realize I need to do two things:
 -Develop thicker skin

 -Recognize when I should retreat

And by retreat I don’t mean run away from a battle, I mean knowing how to pick and choose a battle, as in when do I need to just do me and when do I need to explain myself. As I am an adult I really don’t need to explain myself and if I am ok with whatever actions I take or way that I feel or decision I make I don’t have to explain because I am happy with myself.

I am very happy with who I am and what I do and the only time I question that is when others question me about it, because there is a difference of opinion.

Let me add that aside from thicker skin I need to recognize what advice or opinion I should consider and what is just fluff that I shouldn’t receive. AGAIN... People don’t always have the best intentions when giving you advice.

I am 36 years old today. My path is my path, has it been the traditional path... not exactly ... am I still GREAT... YUP! Do I have a few hardships deal with and wild ideas about how to accomplish goals...YUP!!!

DON’T GET ME WRONG... I am hoping to meet and get to know other people in the future. I know that more positive energy and good hearts are on the way into my life because that is what I ask God for and also I ask to continue to have the discernment to recognize negative energy.

Am I excited about the rest of my life... YES!! I am excited. I do big things and I don’t give myself enough credit. So let’s review....

Things to do:
-Develop thicker skin
-Pick and Choose my battles wisely
-Pick and Choose the best advice/opinion (people don’t alway have the best intentions)
-Stay on my path
-Start appreciating myself for all the great things I do
AND
-Show love to the people who I KNOW got my back
AND!!!!!
-Praise God for all the talent and strength that he gave me to make it through this LIFE.

           

                         

Greatest Success

Success???? What is it? How do you measure it? 
OMG that is such a teacher question. You can measure success IF you have created a goal. For example: “I will write a blog each day over the course of the month.” That means my outcome should be 30 (or 31) days of blogs. If I write 20/30 then I was only 66% successful. (This was really some teacher type stuff OMG why can’t I be regular). Unfortunately I don’t have a goal that I can measure like that. I mean the past decade I did earn my masters in special education, became a teacher, became an AKA and met practically all of the power rangers and there is a way to measure that, but how about I talk about something that other people can’t really see and some people have trouble handling...

People have trouble accepting who they are as a person. People have trouble accepting themselves because “society” says you are to be a certain way.  For many years I was called weird or different. I mean a few kids in school, even friends, some family always made comments like I was the different one. I talked about this in another blog. I am saying I have been successful in accepting my “different.”  When people friend or foe say: “you are different” or “You are so weird” or “why are you like that?” It makes you start to wonder too, like WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I think the biggest battle is the “your obsessed”  comment. I am sure I have blogged about this as well, because yeah I am obsessed. That word had such a negative connotation and literally to this everytime that I hear someone describe me with that word I cringe a little. I mean don’t we use obsessed when we are talking about people who stalk and kill people. There was a WHOLE movie called Obsessed that about a woman who had become Obsessed with a married man to the point of stalking and trying to kill. And also lying about the whole thing. And someone once told me the better word would be passionate, I find that word to be a little disturbing as well as it tied to lust and sexual feelings. (Not to say that...)

When I like something, well really I love it. I mean if you want to get technical I talk about work a lot. I like my profession, enough that I enjoy certain professional developments, I like team meetings, when something is offered I most usually accept it, I never fuss when A child of a different grade level is placed in my class, I for real enjoy the challenge of figuring kids out. I like learning about how to better myself as a teacher and I don’t care which principal says I am “highly effective” or plainly “effective” there is alway room for growth. I “obsess” about whether I am doing/making the right choices for my students as I love them as they are mine for 8hrs 5days a week (most weeks). I ponder about how I can improve the well-being of my students at odd times. I was just telling my mom I have to stop myself from messaging people at late hours because they are probably sleep and at home chilling. No one will call this weird I guess because its for a selfless situation. BUT...

Oh Sweet Baby Jesus...

 YOU LOVE AND TALK ABOUT THAT KOREAN STUFF TOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!!! 

Yeah man... I love Jun. K. Yeah man... I have written a few fanfics with him in it. Yeah man I can identify Jun. K by his eyes and teeth... like don’t you wish someone loved you that much??? No? And yeah maybe its a lot... but it is what it is... I didn’t say to myself, oh imma watch this video until I memorize his molars, I just happened to notice that he has some dental imperfections. Who doesn’t? But that is besides the point. I have my other infatuations... I have had them all my life and its not just like Jun. K and Power Rangers and Michael Jackson and Marques Houston, its small little things, like all music. I often surprise people because I know Perry Como and Cole Porter, and I went through a Dorothy Dandridge phase. When I was a kid I watched Beauty and the Beast so much I can recite the movie to this day. That’s my only Disney favorite.  I actually love clothes or maybe its the textures and the colors, when I was kid I use to hug dresses that were sequined, and I fantasized about the day I would be able to wear dresses like that and now I do. If I can’t figure something out I work on it until I do. I also know random trivia facts. Like at one point I thought trying out for Jeopardy, but I am more like Jeopardy Junior/College genius lol. There are other interests, I just happen to have several pictures and posters of Jun. K as well as his solo albums on display, I have all of 2pms albums also on display. I buy Jun. K merch and I have no Regrets because these things I speak about have brought way too much joy. 

 

So... I am cool with this person... because honestly I am not sure what I would do without these “Obsessions” I feel like I would be a dull person. AND yes I bring this particular topic up quite a bit and that is for two reasons. 

1.) It affected me deeply. I mean even my mom had a lot of trouble understanding me as a kid (And she really probably was just tired of hearing me talk all day about one particular subject especially one that means nothing to her like Michael Jackson).

 2.) There are people who struggle with serious issues, regarding sexuality and other thoughts and feeling that are very difficult to bring up and discuss because they were shot down everytime they tried to discuss it, and they never get to fully live the life they want because they are scared to expose their life. 

I want people to be free. I don’t want people to be tormented by there own thoughts and the opinions of others when people should just “live ya life.”  

Its a tough road because you have to de-program your brain from thinking you are bad to know that you are awesome. 

I now know I am awesome because I am weird, obsessed, passionate, intense, a nerd, a geek, and whatever else has been said so I am able to say I am successful in believing in my awesomeness (I have to be my own hype man)

PS: I know way too many fangirls who don’t tell their families don’t tell their friends, their fangirling is like living a double life all because people act like its crazy or something. Don’t hide girls (or boys) love your bias HARD (or soft)

 

30 Day Challenge: Day 10: Favorite Songs for Different Moods

How do I even do this LOL!! Music is life. And sometimes a WHOLE album is a mood. Drake’s Take Care is that kind of album. But you know if I am sad I usually don’t feed into that emotion with more sadness. This challenge literally said: “Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad.” But I usually listen to songs to feel a way and not because I am already feeling a way. It more of a mood thing... If I am in a mood I might put on Etta James or Teena Marie. For Etta I will either sing (yes sing): “I would rather go blind” or “All I could was cry” and with Teena it’s “Casanova Brown”


Now I am really weird because I can go from listening to the fluffiest of Jpop to well Drake LOL my mornings could be:
Jun. K: Good Morning

Or Drake: Nonstop

When my inner bad girl wants to shine my go to is Rihanna.

The song that wakes me up every morning:

When I want to be in that big band/American standard time period I love Judy Garland, Dinah Washington, Ella Fitzgerald.

Wait let me not forget about MARIAH!!!! 

Mariah really has too many to add... I will just say: Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel is a WHOLE MOOD!! 

 Now my ALL TIME FAVE is Michael Jackson but I don’t listen to him often because since he has passed listening to his music is instant sadness. Now I will listen every now and then and I have attended Michael Jackson events, but eventually my emotions get the best of me. BUT WHOLE MOODS: 

 

This is just a little bit, so many other groups and songs.... 

I wrote a fanfic and I have a “soundtrack.”

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-uUZpy1hvXkaCnomEhpqcNjavs6irion

I am old people and I still have these even tho I stream like most people... 

30 Day Challenge: Day 8 Short Term Goal for the Month

It's the end of November and I have no idea what a goal could be... at first I thought should I just make one for December, but as I started this I thought about the SELF CARE that I need. The utterly "selfish" self-care that I need 🤣

We have 2 days left and then it's going to be Thanksgiving Break. I am thinking that I need to have a Historical Chinese/Korean movie fest ALONE. So maybe every night (and morning) while I am on break I can watch one or two of these films each day. OR I can binge a Kdrama or maybe even a Chinese Historical Drama... I really want to watch one where someone is like a witch or goblin or something.  Whichever I really need it to be a historical movie or drama. I just need a king or queen or concubine or a king's special general... Someone needs forbidden love. And this a perfect goal for my mind and spirit while I am eating Mac n Cheese, sweet potatoes, and greens for the 3rd day in a row.

WHY??? I don't know I just have been in the mood for historical drama... even if I know everyone dies in the end. I have watched House of Flying Daggers like 50 times and I plan to watch this again, but I really need something like Mirror of the Witch that includes some sort of magic. I will find something awesome to watch!!! Now I am excited about Thanksgiving!!! 

        

30 Days of Me: Day 7: Something That Made The Biggest Impact On Me

At first thought my mom came to mind as far as biggest impact on my life, as far as the way I was raised, but I have to say something that had a huge impact was....

The above pic is after an extended stay in the hospital in May of 2007. I was dressed to leave, but still laying in the bed that I had been in for a month. I was probably 80 lbs give or take. Later in December on the 17th it was revealed that I needed an emergency surgery called an “ileostomy” or I would died. 

The above picture isn’t me but, this is how I had to live for 3 months. Luckily my ostomy was able to be reversed. 

If you look close at this picture on the left, you can see where the stoma is on my belly. When I heard the doctor say ileostomy, I thought my life was over. When I came out of surgery he told me it would be reversed, but in those 3 months I found out how strong and amazing I could be. You have to remember in 2007-2008 I was 23-24 years old. I was fresh out of undergrad and hadn’t really figure life out, but I continued and I lived. This was definitely a turning point in my life and I realized life is too short. I had to live. It took another 2 years to really focus in and figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but I am not sure if my life would have gone this way had I never experienced getting as sick as I got. I appreciate this experience. Sometimes it takes something like this to move you out of the situation you are in and into a better situation. I have some amazing scars and I love them because they represent where I’ve been and that I lived through it. My mom says the scars are not as noticeable, but I see them and I am ok with that and embrace them. 

  

30 Days of Me: Day 5: Where Have You Been?

I have to share my most recent and best trips I have taken in the past 2 years.
Power Morphicon... August 2018
Best Trip EVER!!!
LIVED my BEST LIFE!!!
I was in Anaheim and as much as I don’t like Disney I went to Disney Land cause why not?


 
Always gorgeous in California. 

 

 

In 2019 I decided to go to Nashville for a Leadership conference and it was also a GREAT trip. I learned a lot and also relaxed a bit!
 

Both trips I went by myself and met up with friends/sisters. Honestly being alone like that is the type of Self Care that I need. Like I spent the day with people and friends and then I would go to my room and relax. That is what I enjoy. 

30 Days of Me: Day 4: Bad Habits

Lately, I have developed a really bad habit of falling asleep around 8-10 pm and waking up around 12-3 am, trying to figure out what happened.

So, I will get home a little before 4pm and discuss dinner.  Depending on the day and how my life is set up I will eat Dinner ASAP. I am always super hungry after work. Then I try to stay downstairs to seem like a good family member until 6 or 7pm. Once in my bedroom sleepiness starts to happen. I don’t know if this is from staying active all day or if this is a new “you’re turning old” situation. 

ALL of my YEARS of being a Para or Teacher I would stay up until about 2am. Then I would wake up at 6 something and go about my day. People thought I was nuts but it was how my body rolled.  It wasn’t every night. I would crash Wednesday. So Sunday-Tuesday I would be up until 2am, Wednesday I would fall asleep at 10pm and then I was back at it for the rest of the week. 

Now I am falling asleep early, but this is problematic because after so many years of night owling my body is like: “Wait, Stop... you fell asleep at 9pm, you must need to wake up at 3am.” Which is WAY too early. I am not like one of those early rise people. I want to wake up when the alarm is set to go off, which is about 6:20am. 

Tonight is one of those “I fell asleep at like 9pm” nights only this time I woke up at 12am. This was actually a good thing because I was about to mess up and forget about posting for Day 4. 

I just need my body to get itself together. It has nothing to do with the time change because this started in September. 

I think it’s link to other things like turning into old people/personal turning old issues. I don’t think it is school anxiety, but it could be work related as I seem to be focusing so much of my time and energy on work....

I’m a SCHOOL MARM!!!!! I might as well live at the school. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 

BLEH...  

30 Days of Me: DAY 3: My Animals

MY ANIMALS!!!!! 

MY FUR BABIES!!!!! 

This is my first fur baby.  (Back story my brother went to college my mom felt away, bought a dog and then told me to take care of him) At first, I called him Mr. Cheeseburger, but that changed due to the fact that when my mom would come home she would yell out: BABY!!! So, Baby, he became. He is a Weshi (Westie/Shih Tzu) and he is like 10 years old. As he gets older I worry more and more about how I will someday have to lose my best friend. I mean it is what it is dogs don’t have the life expectancy of a human and maybe just maybe I have 10 more years. My tears have poured on this dog. He treats me terribly just as an old man treats his wife. I still love his mean ass!

  

My second fur baby is...

Bennie. So technically Bennie was my grandfather’s dog. Ben lived with my grandfather, so he was unofficially my fur baby... Bennie is an 8-year-old Pomeranian, that I believe my cousin bought to my grandfather not long after a previous dog had passed. He came with the name Ben and we left it at that, although he comes to us if we say: Benjamin, Bennifer, Bennieboy, sometimes Benford. Ben has anxiety smh... and barks a lot. He was a great companion for my grandfather and probably helped him live longer as well.

 

In my household, my official second fur baby was my little flower boy 차 치 수 (Cha Chi Soo).  Chi   Soo is sickly looking Yorkie. He is super skittish. This dog will jump away from a pile of leaves. His ears weren’t trained so they flop instead of standing straight up. I like to call him my “toddler-infant” as he loves to be held as you hold an infant child.  Ok, I guess I should explain the name. When he came to us his name was supposedly Prince, but he wouldn’t respond to that at all so we decided to rename him. At the time I had gotten my mom into Korean Drama and we both love a character who’s name was Cha Chi Soo. This guy is what they call a “flower boy” and since Chi Soo was supposed to be our Boujie Prince we went with Cha Chi Soo. It’s cute until you are chasing him down the street yelling CHA CHI SOO in a Korean accent.  

   

Back to Bennie. So my Grandfather passed away and we had to take the dog in... well due to the circumstances my brother had grown super attached. So Ben became our third dog in our household. I don’t think my mom is very happy about that at all... BUT we are making it work the best we can!! 

 

I love having them and they make me happy! It’s been hard on Ben considering he was use to a different house and a different schedule. Honestly, I think his story is heartbreaking as his master left home one day and never returned. That breaks my heart every time I think of it and I try to block it out. He went from being an only dog to having to compete with two other dog brothers. Both he has tried to mate with inappropriately. Luckily as mean as Baby is, Baby was able to accept Ben to the house and fam. Chi Soo is much more laid back, but initially Ben wanted to mate badly with him and it took a while to get them together without Ben want to “sex him up.”  Finally Ben got over it, although the urge to have Chi Soo as his partner comes back from time to time. As it does with Baby as well. The funniest thing to me is that there is no rhyme or reason for the three. Like most people in my neighborhood with multiple dogs have two of the same breed. Here we are the dog version of the Rainbow tribe. Ben is attached to my brother and stays in the room with him. Actually, Ben hates being stuck in the room and relaxes with my mom in the evening. He goes upstairs when it is time for bed. Baby and Cha Chi Soo stay glued to me.