Greatest Success

Success???? What is it? How do you measure it? 
OMG that is such a teacher question. You can measure success IF you have created a goal. For example: “I will write a blog each day over the course of the month.” That means my outcome should be 30 (or 31) days of blogs. If I write 20/30 then I was only 66% successful. (This was really some teacher type stuff OMG why can’t I be regular). Unfortunately I don’t have a goal that I can measure like that. I mean the past decade I did earn my masters in special education, became a teacher, became an AKA and met practically all of the power rangers and there is a way to measure that, but how about I talk about something that other people can’t really see and some people have trouble handling...

People have trouble accepting who they are as a person. People have trouble accepting themselves because “society” says you are to be a certain way.  For many years I was called weird or different. I mean a few kids in school, even friends, some family always made comments like I was the different one. I talked about this in another blog. I am saying I have been successful in accepting my “different.”  When people friend or foe say: “you are different” or “You are so weird” or “why are you like that?” It makes you start to wonder too, like WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I think the biggest battle is the “your obsessed”  comment. I am sure I have blogged about this as well, because yeah I am obsessed. That word had such a negative connotation and literally to this everytime that I hear someone describe me with that word I cringe a little. I mean don’t we use obsessed when we are talking about people who stalk and kill people. There was a WHOLE movie called Obsessed that about a woman who had become Obsessed with a married man to the point of stalking and trying to kill. And also lying about the whole thing. And someone once told me the better word would be passionate, I find that word to be a little disturbing as well as it tied to lust and sexual feelings. (Not to say that...)

When I like something, well really I love it. I mean if you want to get technical I talk about work a lot. I like my profession, enough that I enjoy certain professional developments, I like team meetings, when something is offered I most usually accept it, I never fuss when A child of a different grade level is placed in my class, I for real enjoy the challenge of figuring kids out. I like learning about how to better myself as a teacher and I don’t care which principal says I am “highly effective” or plainly “effective” there is alway room for growth. I “obsess” about whether I am doing/making the right choices for my students as I love them as they are mine for 8hrs 5days a week (most weeks). I ponder about how I can improve the well-being of my students at odd times. I was just telling my mom I have to stop myself from messaging people at late hours because they are probably sleep and at home chilling. No one will call this weird I guess because its for a selfless situation. BUT...

Oh Sweet Baby Jesus...

 YOU LOVE AND TALK ABOUT THAT KOREAN STUFF TOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!!! 

Yeah man... I love Jun. K. Yeah man... I have written a few fanfics with him in it. Yeah man I can identify Jun. K by his eyes and teeth... like don’t you wish someone loved you that much??? No? And yeah maybe its a lot... but it is what it is... I didn’t say to myself, oh imma watch this video until I memorize his molars, I just happened to notice that he has some dental imperfections. Who doesn’t? But that is besides the point. I have my other infatuations... I have had them all my life and its not just like Jun. K and Power Rangers and Michael Jackson and Marques Houston, its small little things, like all music. I often surprise people because I know Perry Como and Cole Porter, and I went through a Dorothy Dandridge phase. When I was a kid I watched Beauty and the Beast so much I can recite the movie to this day. That’s my only Disney favorite.  I actually love clothes or maybe its the textures and the colors, when I was kid I use to hug dresses that were sequined, and I fantasized about the day I would be able to wear dresses like that and now I do. If I can’t figure something out I work on it until I do. I also know random trivia facts. Like at one point I thought trying out for Jeopardy, but I am more like Jeopardy Junior/College genius lol. There are other interests, I just happen to have several pictures and posters of Jun. K as well as his solo albums on display, I have all of 2pms albums also on display. I buy Jun. K merch and I have no Regrets because these things I speak about have brought way too much joy. 

 

So... I am cool with this person... because honestly I am not sure what I would do without these “Obsessions” I feel like I would be a dull person. AND yes I bring this particular topic up quite a bit and that is for two reasons. 

1.) It affected me deeply. I mean even my mom had a lot of trouble understanding me as a kid (And she really probably was just tired of hearing me talk all day about one particular subject especially one that means nothing to her like Michael Jackson).

 2.) There are people who struggle with serious issues, regarding sexuality and other thoughts and feeling that are very difficult to bring up and discuss because they were shot down everytime they tried to discuss it, and they never get to fully live the life they want because they are scared to expose their life. 

I want people to be free. I don’t want people to be tormented by there own thoughts and the opinions of others when people should just “live ya life.”  

Its a tough road because you have to de-program your brain from thinking you are bad to know that you are awesome. 

I now know I am awesome because I am weird, obsessed, passionate, intense, a nerd, a geek, and whatever else has been said so I am able to say I am successful in believing in my awesomeness (I have to be my own hype man)

PS: I know way too many fangirls who don’t tell their families don’t tell their friends, their fangirling is like living a double life all because people act like its crazy or something. Don’t hide girls (or boys) love your bias HARD (or soft)

 

30 Day Challenge: Day 22: Uniqua

UNIQUA

So I am supposed to discuss what makes me different from other people... I feel like I should have interviewed people and asked them. I don’t know how I am different but I know that I am. For a long time i thought  that different was also a negative. Different implied that I was weird or not normal like everyone else. Odd even. WHICH is the ULTIMATE insult because I love all things even. It took such a long time from me to fall in love the unique that I am. First I had to recognize that my mom didn’t actually think I was weird, but she had trouble understanding my different. We talk about it all, we talk about my obsessions or as I like to call them “passions”. She also gives me credit because my different has taken me far.  Like my comic con life. 

I also had to recognize that so many people that I thought we haters (and were actual haters) weren’t dissing me because I was actually “weird” but they were haters cause they want to have the same gall to do some of the things that I do. 

Finally, I had to learn that different doesn’t equal weird. I am me... I am me... Dani D. She can be the teacher, the koreaboo, cosplayer, singer, let the good times roll, never mind I’m gonna just stay home.  I think people just aren’t ready for how deep I can take certain topics. BUT I will NEVER forget what my friend said to me one night... 

I apologized to him for talking his ear off about Jun.K and his response was: “But that’s just you.” He almost seemed as if he was saying it just wouldn’t be me to be any other way and that he accepted me  for it. 

THATS a friend!!!  Shout out to NICO!!! 

So what makes me different? I love hard... MY passion is strong... If we are real friends I would give you my heart... if you pretend to be my friend I know you are pretending but I will still love you. My imagination is ridiculous, like Barney ridiculous without drugs or alcohol. Whatever I am involved in I put my heart into it... which is why I actually gave a damn about school, band and other extracurricular. I don’t like to be f***ed over which is why I haven’t “settled.” We could go 10 years without speaking but if/when I reach out its like time never passed. My love never changed. I care about people who wronged me and I care for people who have loved me. I ignore the terrible things in the world because it would send me to a depression because I once believe in Michael Jackson’s dream to heal the world. I try to always have well wishes for everyone. I work my ass off in whatever I do and don’t usually seek reward or expect recognition.  I often have to hold myself back from over helping. There are so many times I am thinking of something that relates to a problem a friend or co-worker might be dealing with and I have to stop myself from texting them at like 12 am. 

Is that the kind of different you expected? Do you believe it? Do you disagree? Have I been mean? Yes. I have a tendency to get pissed when I feel like I am repeating myself or giving the same advice to the same problem and eventually I will snap and tell you how I really feel no sugar coating. Now I am careful when speaking to others because some people need sugar coating. I LOVE Jun. K and I would tell him to his face that he is pitchy and that wasn’t the right note. I could say to him easily: “No I don’t like that hairstyle.” Or plainly stop acting like a little boy and stand up for yourself live your life Minjunnie!!!! 

BUT honestly I can’t take it. The same treatment in return. If someone gives me a back handed ass compliment or says they don’t like something about it me... it hurts I internalize it and try to fix it. I will withdraw and meditate on what I’ve done. I got a bad review as a teacher once... you might as well had killed me... but I bet YOU I have only had HIGHLY EFFECTIVE after that review even if the person wasn’t eh “qualified” to review me in such a way I can never be at the point again.  A friend read one of my stories and was super critical and it was like a wrecking ball to my ego. Like what do you mean. After pouting I re-read the story over and over, until I one realized it was my story and two I only had to take some of the criticism seriously and forget the rest. He was right about some technical stuff, but his thought would have changed the whole story. 

Its a struggle because for so many years I was made to feel like I needed to stop being me to appease the world, but do you know how hard it is to be half of yourself. Its like you aren’t even living. I am so glad that’s all over. I mean I tone it down for people who can’t handle me, but I don’t turn Dani off anymore.     

PS: I blame everything on being an AQUARIUS...every part of me is JUST like an AQUARIUS.

Girl Next Door...She's not that bad....

I have been duped...by the media. I thought I wasn't one of those people but I am. They got me. I have been thinking that I am supposed to look like a M.A.C make up artist lives in my house to do my make up everyday and as if  my genes DON'T carry a belly fat trait. I also need long hair and also short hair, that is blonde or brown or black or pink; hazel, blue and sometimes purple eyes; perfectly round, plump lips, and behind. Also boobs, cleavage must perfect, they must be perky, nipples should be even, 34 D...etc.  And the images come at me from everywhere, its not just oh she's blonde and beautiful, actually now days the so beauty is someone who is racially ambiguous. We all seem to have the same skin tone lately.We all seem to be naturally thin as well.
 Oh the Months I spent staring at this one pic thinking, "If that is what he likes why is he into me, I am not her." And, "How can I attain what ever it is that she (Christina Milian) has?" And then look at Bad Girl RiRi... and of course BEY....she seems to be a- many a- man's dream.... Now I know what you are saying BUT Princess DD of DE, you are way involved in your "nerd" world and that can't be showing too much of the same things that the media shows.... I mean.....

 

Comic Cons/Anime Cons both have ridiculous amounts of skin and are sexual in nature as well. Apparently we like our female superheros showing skin and cosplayers probably cause many boners throughout the day at a con. LOL!!!

Well Princess DD you are way into KDrama and KPop it can't be the same overseas can it???

Its much worst actually as the Koreans are super into their skin care and skin products, the girls are gorgeous as they are "exotic" and WAY skinny... the boys are prettier than the girls. So now I am feeling intimidated as well...

Speaking of intimidation.... because for whatever reason men (and woman) are living in gyms and guys are looking like:

Leaving me to feel like with my flab I am so not worthy....

                             BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have two male friends who helped me realize that I am awesome as myself "Princess DD of DE" and that I don't have to be all of the above. First, the best compliment I have ever received in my life paraphrased: Independently I am happy/ able to be happy without the influence of another person. Something about that made me feel awesome, I guess because one of my fears is that the next time I am in a relationship I will lose myself in that person instead of having a balance of me and them. This same friend said that I was "one of a kind." I live to be unique so I guess I am doing something right.
 These were both comments made after only a brief time together, which is amazing because I have never really known what other people see in me upon meeting me. At least I gave this particular guy the right vibes. Well I do believe that I was COMPLETELY myself with this person, I was actually really comfortable with them...hmmm.... anyway (no time to day dream I spend way too much time doing that anyway) another friend of mine explained to me that I had the beauty (and I suppose personality) as the girl next door. It's kind of funny be he is the Sam to my Clarissa (wow that is a throwback but explains it so well) he said in so many words that he has gotten tired of all the girls that look "airbrushed" (for lack of a better word in an ironic twist). I was venting to him about how I've never understood my face. I have never understood why I look the way that I look. I don't think that I am ugly (at least not the way I did as a kid) but I know I am not Beyonce (even if people say so). He said that the appeal of my look is that I am like the girl next door...as in I am that "around the way girl". I am a type of beauty that although regular, a breath of fresh air in the world that gives us so many girls who are made up and over all fake. I guess I should take the fact that so many people say that I look anywhere between 16 and 22 years old into consideration LOL!! Too many times I have been confused by school faculty to be a student. I don't wear make-up as in foundation and the whole nine yards. (I wear eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow on special occasions, lipstick everyday) so when I am natural I look like: 

My friend said: Love the skin you're in.  That is a life long journey, but I am glad to have such encouraging friends to help me see my worth even though I am not like those mentioned above, over all there is something (legitimate) about me that is attractive and I need to remember to allow her to shine.