Focused on God’s Plan

In My Feelings... I don’t want to Feel No Ways...I have Trust Issues and this is just NOT God’s Plan. Eh, I have Draked way too much, but I have a reason for this... so lately I have noticed that I need to make a change. I feel like I am stagnate and I have felt that way for a little bit now.  I decided to write down some goals. To go along with those goals I decided I need to brainstorm and research so that I could write a prayer for each goal. I also found scripture to go with the prayer that focuses on the goal(s). How does this go with being in my feelings? Well at some point in my life a husband and a family would be cool, but it’s not necessarily the focus. Let’s just say I need to take that goal through the same process of  writing a prayer and finding the scripture, but in the meantime, my mentality is not there. When I think about what I am attracted to and what I like in a man and etc etc... I feel like most of those thoughts are shallow or I am just saying what my mom would want me to want in a man. Reality is I am very very very shielded when it comes to dating and its only getting worst as I get older and different insecurities come out that I have to learn to accept and deal with before I can allow someone to get to me. AND I am mad independent. I also can’t deal with bulls***. In other words dudes don’t know how to keep it real like just say what you mean and mean what you say... like if you like me bet if you don’t bet... like I am old people now like I am over childish garbage. For the most part I feel better with out the extra emotional feelings about having a boyfriend. I feel better without having to think about how I might have to uproot my life in order to make something work. I feel better knowing I only need to feed myself. BRUH I sound selfish af. LOL. But you know why??? Because I have changed my whole thought process for guys who were kind of stringing me along. It’s not their fault as Drake would say: When I good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world its just the end of a world that you have with... one boy.” I like single. I like making choices for myself. What’s the problem?

The temptation. Duh, I am human and I know what feels good. AND I am not even talking about sex.  I mean like rough days when you really wish your dude will just hold you. Nights when you want to cry on dudes shoulder and he won’t ask what’s wrong he just understands you need to get that out real quick. Kisses. Times when you really just need a hug or when you need someone who (so-called) for real likes you and will tell you that you are cute. Someone to twerk to even when you look like a praying mantis. Someone who will eat a whole cake with you. I actually have plenty of girls to do this with but um I like the opposite sex. And my last ex had some annoying habits, not gonna lie I miss those sort of things in moderation. What I am saying is the physical is missed... what appeals to the flesh is what is missed.  I am not here to say: That is wrong and that is condemnation to hell. NOPE... although pre-marital sex is fornication and even having the slightest sexual deviant thought is fornication I am not here to preach on that... you go ahead and pray on that for yourself if you feel convicted... I just recognize such a temptation might make your brain travel away from your focus. I am asking God to help me stay focused and now all of a sudden I miss as hug from a dude from 2-3 years ago... get out of here with that, you know who is trying to keep me from glory.... 

If I am saying literally saying: I DON’T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.  Then that is just not the way for me right now.  I am trying to be a girl boss. 

Although at one point Rihanna was dating some dude while building her Fenty Brand she also stayed focused and found herself single too. Someone might be saying we all grown you can get your swerve on and build your brand. I really can’t. I am trying to recognize that I have a purpose and I have a really big idea/goal. I need to hear from GOD about it and no one else so I DON’T need extra cause that will cause confusion. I am the type who would drop everything for someone else. I also recognize that everything will happen as it is supposed to in its proper time. It took a lot for me to admit that I would like a husband and family one day, because I was starting to be ok without that. It is ok to be alone...YES IT IS... Is is ok to want a family one day... YES IT IS. All in due time. All in God’s time... All in God’s Plan.... was 

Scriptures about staying focused: 

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV 

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Proverbs 16:3 ESV 

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

Philippians 4:13 ESV 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  

Everything is one step at a time. 

In the meantime a girl can daydream 😂 SEE: 

Greatest Success

Success???? What is it? How do you measure it? 
OMG that is such a teacher question. You can measure success IF you have created a goal. For example: “I will write a blog each day over the course of the month.” That means my outcome should be 30 (or 31) days of blogs. If I write 20/30 then I was only 66% successful. (This was really some teacher type stuff OMG why can’t I be regular). Unfortunately I don’t have a goal that I can measure like that. I mean the past decade I did earn my masters in special education, became a teacher, became an AKA and met practically all of the power rangers and there is a way to measure that, but how about I talk about something that other people can’t really see and some people have trouble handling...

People have trouble accepting who they are as a person. People have trouble accepting themselves because “society” says you are to be a certain way.  For many years I was called weird or different. I mean a few kids in school, even friends, some family always made comments like I was the different one. I talked about this in another blog. I am saying I have been successful in accepting my “different.”  When people friend or foe say: “you are different” or “You are so weird” or “why are you like that?” It makes you start to wonder too, like WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I think the biggest battle is the “your obsessed”  comment. I am sure I have blogged about this as well, because yeah I am obsessed. That word had such a negative connotation and literally to this everytime that I hear someone describe me with that word I cringe a little. I mean don’t we use obsessed when we are talking about people who stalk and kill people. There was a WHOLE movie called Obsessed that about a woman who had become Obsessed with a married man to the point of stalking and trying to kill. And also lying about the whole thing. And someone once told me the better word would be passionate, I find that word to be a little disturbing as well as it tied to lust and sexual feelings. (Not to say that...)

When I like something, well really I love it. I mean if you want to get technical I talk about work a lot. I like my profession, enough that I enjoy certain professional developments, I like team meetings, when something is offered I most usually accept it, I never fuss when A child of a different grade level is placed in my class, I for real enjoy the challenge of figuring kids out. I like learning about how to better myself as a teacher and I don’t care which principal says I am “highly effective” or plainly “effective” there is alway room for growth. I “obsess” about whether I am doing/making the right choices for my students as I love them as they are mine for 8hrs 5days a week (most weeks). I ponder about how I can improve the well-being of my students at odd times. I was just telling my mom I have to stop myself from messaging people at late hours because they are probably sleep and at home chilling. No one will call this weird I guess because its for a selfless situation. BUT...

Oh Sweet Baby Jesus...

 YOU LOVE AND TALK ABOUT THAT KOREAN STUFF TOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!!! 

Yeah man... I love Jun. K. Yeah man... I have written a few fanfics with him in it. Yeah man I can identify Jun. K by his eyes and teeth... like don’t you wish someone loved you that much??? No? And yeah maybe its a lot... but it is what it is... I didn’t say to myself, oh imma watch this video until I memorize his molars, I just happened to notice that he has some dental imperfections. Who doesn’t? But that is besides the point. I have my other infatuations... I have had them all my life and its not just like Jun. K and Power Rangers and Michael Jackson and Marques Houston, its small little things, like all music. I often surprise people because I know Perry Como and Cole Porter, and I went through a Dorothy Dandridge phase. When I was a kid I watched Beauty and the Beast so much I can recite the movie to this day. That’s my only Disney favorite.  I actually love clothes or maybe its the textures and the colors, when I was kid I use to hug dresses that were sequined, and I fantasized about the day I would be able to wear dresses like that and now I do. If I can’t figure something out I work on it until I do. I also know random trivia facts. Like at one point I thought trying out for Jeopardy, but I am more like Jeopardy Junior/College genius lol. There are other interests, I just happen to have several pictures and posters of Jun. K as well as his solo albums on display, I have all of 2pms albums also on display. I buy Jun. K merch and I have no Regrets because these things I speak about have brought way too much joy. 

 

So... I am cool with this person... because honestly I am not sure what I would do without these “Obsessions” I feel like I would be a dull person. AND yes I bring this particular topic up quite a bit and that is for two reasons. 

1.) It affected me deeply. I mean even my mom had a lot of trouble understanding me as a kid (And she really probably was just tired of hearing me talk all day about one particular subject especially one that means nothing to her like Michael Jackson).

 2.) There are people who struggle with serious issues, regarding sexuality and other thoughts and feeling that are very difficult to bring up and discuss because they were shot down everytime they tried to discuss it, and they never get to fully live the life they want because they are scared to expose their life. 

I want people to be free. I don’t want people to be tormented by there own thoughts and the opinions of others when people should just “live ya life.”  

Its a tough road because you have to de-program your brain from thinking you are bad to know that you are awesome. 

I now know I am awesome because I am weird, obsessed, passionate, intense, a nerd, a geek, and whatever else has been said so I am able to say I am successful in believing in my awesomeness (I have to be my own hype man)

PS: I know way too many fangirls who don’t tell their families don’t tell their friends, their fangirling is like living a double life all because people act like its crazy or something. Don’t hide girls (or boys) love your bias HARD (or soft)