Focused on God’s Plan

In My Feelings... I don’t want to Feel No Ways...I have Trust Issues and this is just NOT God’s Plan. Eh, I have Draked way too much, but I have a reason for this... so lately I have noticed that I need to make a change. I feel like I am stagnate and I have felt that way for a little bit now.  I decided to write down some goals. To go along with those goals I decided I need to brainstorm and research so that I could write a prayer for each goal. I also found scripture to go with the prayer that focuses on the goal(s). How does this go with being in my feelings? Well at some point in my life a husband and a family would be cool, but it’s not necessarily the focus. Let’s just say I need to take that goal through the same process of  writing a prayer and finding the scripture, but in the meantime, my mentality is not there. When I think about what I am attracted to and what I like in a man and etc etc... I feel like most of those thoughts are shallow or I am just saying what my mom would want me to want in a man. Reality is I am very very very shielded when it comes to dating and its only getting worst as I get older and different insecurities come out that I have to learn to accept and deal with before I can allow someone to get to me. AND I am mad independent. I also can’t deal with bulls***. In other words dudes don’t know how to keep it real like just say what you mean and mean what you say... like if you like me bet if you don’t bet... like I am old people now like I am over childish garbage. For the most part I feel better with out the extra emotional feelings about having a boyfriend. I feel better without having to think about how I might have to uproot my life in order to make something work. I feel better knowing I only need to feed myself. BRUH I sound selfish af. LOL. But you know why??? Because I have changed my whole thought process for guys who were kind of stringing me along. It’s not their fault as Drake would say: When I good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world its just the end of a world that you have with... one boy.” I like single. I like making choices for myself. What’s the problem?

The temptation. Duh, I am human and I know what feels good. AND I am not even talking about sex.  I mean like rough days when you really wish your dude will just hold you. Nights when you want to cry on dudes shoulder and he won’t ask what’s wrong he just understands you need to get that out real quick. Kisses. Times when you really just need a hug or when you need someone who (so-called) for real likes you and will tell you that you are cute. Someone to twerk to even when you look like a praying mantis. Someone who will eat a whole cake with you. I actually have plenty of girls to do this with but um I like the opposite sex. And my last ex had some annoying habits, not gonna lie I miss those sort of things in moderation. What I am saying is the physical is missed... what appeals to the flesh is what is missed.  I am not here to say: That is wrong and that is condemnation to hell. NOPE... although pre-marital sex is fornication and even having the slightest sexual deviant thought is fornication I am not here to preach on that... you go ahead and pray on that for yourself if you feel convicted... I just recognize such a temptation might make your brain travel away from your focus. I am asking God to help me stay focused and now all of a sudden I miss as hug from a dude from 2-3 years ago... get out of here with that, you know who is trying to keep me from glory.... 

If I am saying literally saying: I DON’T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.  Then that is just not the way for me right now.  I am trying to be a girl boss. 

Although at one point Rihanna was dating some dude while building her Fenty Brand she also stayed focused and found herself single too. Someone might be saying we all grown you can get your swerve on and build your brand. I really can’t. I am trying to recognize that I have a purpose and I have a really big idea/goal. I need to hear from GOD about it and no one else so I DON’T need extra cause that will cause confusion. I am the type who would drop everything for someone else. I also recognize that everything will happen as it is supposed to in its proper time. It took a lot for me to admit that I would like a husband and family one day, because I was starting to be ok without that. It is ok to be alone...YES IT IS... Is is ok to want a family one day... YES IT IS. All in due time. All in God’s time... All in God’s Plan.... was 

Scriptures about staying focused: 

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV 

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Proverbs 16:3 ESV 

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

Philippians 4:13 ESV 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  

Everything is one step at a time. 

In the meantime a girl can daydream 😂 SEE: 

He Could Be Me/ I Could Be Him

So I go onto facebook to announce that my Netflix account is back up and running after fraudulent activity but my joy was soon taken as an article about Lee Thompson Young  was posted on my newsfeed from TMZ. He was found dead from what appears to be an self inflicted gun shot. He was 29. 

For those of you who don't know Lee Thompson Young played Jett Jackson on the Disney Show:  "The Famous Jett Jackson." Now I wasn't a disney kid, I grew up on Nickelodeon, but I remember every now and then catching this show on Disney and thinking wow he is a black dude with those gorgeous eyes with his own show on Disney....WOW! He went on to do other things and quite honestly I went on to be a fangirl to others. 

The reason this story about his apparent suicide affects me is because it reminded me that no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter how successful you are or how unsuccessful you are, demons follow. It is up to you whether you want to live and fight them or give up. 

For about two weeks I have been weaving in and out of depression like symptoms. I don't like that word so instead of saying depression I will say I was having some good days and some bad days. Sleep deprivation played a role, and recognizing that I am at another new beginning. New beginnings are good, but because its new its also unknown at times.  I have two new beginnings, one I am currently looking for a position as a teacher; two I am dating someone. (Good times right? a time to be proud right? a time to be happy right?) Not sure where either will lead me, but I also don't like the unknown and fear arises. I have a lot of "I'm not good enough" thoughts. Not good enough to be anything that I desire to be.... That is my demon. And as I said, no matter what, demons follow. When you have gotten comfortable and have forgotten, oh cause you forget at times, that demon will be right on top of you choking you trying to take you out. The question is: will you let him win or will you fight? 

 I am not saying that this is what was going on with Lee Thompson Young. I don't really know his story, AND it has YET to be confirmed that this was indeed suicide, but he was 29. And that struck me because we are the same age. He was 5 days older than me. He would have been 30 on February 1st. Some of us have big problems with 30, I do. I feel like there are a lot of things I am not that I wanted to be by 30. I often feel like everyone's life is moving and mine is stuck. When I saw: "He was 29" all I kept thinking was he could be me or I could be him.

I am really sad about this brother's death, but my saying is that everything happens for a reason.  When I read it I was immediately sadden, but at the same time I heard a word in it. I don't want to lose. So I have to fight. I only know one way to fight....pleading the Blood of Jesus and praying. I gotta get into the scriptures and remember the word of God, cause that's how you fight in this situation. I have all the faith in the world, but need more in myself, self doubt is just fear....

I can only hope that his man is at peace. I hope that he has found solace in the place that he is now resting. I really hope that any others that have found themselves in a situation where they feel that all hope is lost are able to find help before falling into a place in which they can't return. 
 (again I am not saying that this was the situation that Lee Thompson Young was in)

The light at the end of this tunnel is that, often at funerals a preacher gives a word and offers to whomever is there who needs Jesus to come up and become born again. I feel like to a certain degree the break of this story was sort of like a personal alter call. 

RIP Lee Thompson Young