Stop the Madness... God's Answers

Lately I've been dealing with alot of feelings that can't/couldn't decipher, or like fix. Usually I am really good at hearing myself hear dumb stuff in my head and be like yeah right shut up satan. And maybe it's been the lack of self care... oddly enough I've been trying to keep up with self care and even at work we talked about self care every month and I thought I had it going on but by March I was jacked up caught in stress... not even fully work related. Crazy thing I always talk about kids not being able to process their feelings because their brains aren't fully developed. But just now I realize I haven't been able to process my feelings either. I feel everything all at once, I get mad at myself, I get self doubt, view myself as "not good enough," silly, and ugly. I swear I felt like I was in middle school again. And I don't even want to talk about the love life thing like... You start to feel like maybe you don't deserve love, or kids.... I try to look at my students as mine, but it's hard giving them away at the end of the year (sometimes 😂). I had this grand idea to prepare for single motherhood on my own terms and this is where I think God came to the rescue cause I I'm sorry as many mom's are out here doing the single motherhood thing like a boss I just don't really want to do that. Not that I can't cause I can, I know I can but I don't want to and I honestly don't think it's of God. It's funny ppl were ok with it when I said I might have to borrow someone's seed. They agreed like sometimes that what you gotta do... and the Danielle inside was like WHAT????
Now I hate like talking about my "issues" cause I feel like I sound like a whiny brat. Like  girl stop.... listen your kpop and get over it. But hell even my kpop was leading me to feelings I couldn't process....
Sometimes a message can be given and it's like you've kind of heard it before but this time it's received. Like the constant message given is God's grace, redemption and forgiveness. I think it was the fact that the speaker Dr. Gregory Cruell brought up Robin Williams and his suicide... it reminded me of how much satan really doesn't like me and really wishes I'd murk myself....(it's an evil devilish satanic demonic spirit that messes with us like that) I realized a few years ago I'm here for a reason... I looked over my life... when I was to be born my mom was sent home told she wasnt in labor... that only could have left me brain damaged or I could have been born with Cerebral palsy. Instead I ingested fecal matter (not funny) and since that's basically body poison I could have died.
Then honestly self hate is nothing knew to me... I'm not sure if I was a sensitive kid but I was the kid that took everything other ppl said about me to heart... I don't understand my complexion, I'm short but not petite, I have big feet that are odd looking, I grow a unibrow I have dark features on light skin, AND I have a pot belly, but im skinny...  I wish I looked like the girls in music videos, honestly I wish I was cool like the girls in high school. I also hate the brain wave in me that says: here's a thing now obsess about it.... (i have easily acquired over $2000 (if not more) in 2pm (please see kpop blog) and power ranger stuff.... should I say I don't hate it until someone looks at me with that "you're So pitiful" look and says: "you're obsessed"  wtf is wrong with me liking Kim Min Jun to the point that I wrote him a letter while he was in basic??? (Please see kpop blog) what's wrong with me loving Michael Jackson so much his death still hurts??? Do I go to work? Have I paid my bills? So when I buy myself another Kim Min Jun t-shirt who did it hurt? You? Do you know how many kpop fans /power ranger fans and or power rangers I could gather and have a party and call them my friends because we really are friends?? Ok ok... moving on... I've discussed this before there was that other time I almost died... abscess bursting inside of your gut really hurts btw, a doc telling you, you're gonna die takes a second to process. I'm still here tho... so the devil has been defeated so many times in trying to kill me. Today I was reminded that that is satan's plan.... now really the preachers message was about validation and affirmation.... in other words if someone in Robin Williams' camp had of gotten to him first and re-affirmed his awesomeness maybe he wouldn't have taken himself.... there were some other things I heard like remembering God's Plan.... I'm a planner, it's like school career marriage baby only my plans fell through lol. That's also been a major downer for me... my idea, my plan I had for myself... after a 2 year relationship I'm like ok whatever... but then I realized a year later I didn't know which way to go... that didn't work so do I go back to school??? Lol I was thinking I need to get back on the path.... but where's the path??? Yeah I need to find the path God has for me.... a friend recently said... "God doesn't make mistakes" (dont even know what were talking about but it stuck with me) which takes me back to another sermon where the preacher talked how we are always saying... "I'm not good enough or tall enough or skinny enough etc etc... bunch of stuff I don't like about myself, but "God doesn't makes mistakes" if I could keep these lessons in my head, but I've got to practice what is preached..... the great thing is I heard God loud and clear today... "stop all that over thinking and follow my word for answers, trust Me (God) for answers." (Cause I don't listen to others anyway I'm always trying to decipher life with my answers, but I've got all the answers to the old tests not the new ones 😂) AND it's obvious I'm here for a reason... I have a purpose, I have touched lives (I've been a big sister to so many) I will be a part of more....
Also I need to finish what the other preacher said... he said write a list of 20 things you like about yourself... I got to 8 things and some of the things on the list are things I don't always like 😂
1. I'm 5'1.5 (shortie)
2. Passionate for specific persons or things (That so called obsession)
3. In my mind I'm as much a star as Beyonce
4. Caring
5. I'm soft and squishy ( not toned)
6. Quirky
7. Geek
8. I need and wear glasses/contacts
9. Stylish/ style of my own
10. I can flirt/be polite in English, Spanish, and Korean
11. More outgoing than I like to admit
12. Children stare at me like I'm an alien, adults stare at me cause I'm exotic? (I haven't figured it out)
13. I'm a good teacher
14. I nurture (I'm sorry but I will be motherly/big sisterly to everyone)
15. I fall in love too easily (I will always love you, better yet I will always see the good in you, this is in all relationships)
16. I can sing (not always good, but only Kim Min Jun sings perfectly 😂 lies sometimes he is flat or pitchy)
17. I'm super imaginative (with structure tho)
18. I love sugar
19. I'm more rational than I'd like to be
20. I'm 34 years old... I feel 14 forever lol #youngforever
By the way... it's going to be super hard to stop making my own plans like I'm a very structured person so I hope God shows me this path clearly, because much like my students I'm not so good with change or transitions out of my control.....

He Could Be Me/ I Could Be Him

So I go onto facebook to announce that my Netflix account is back up and running after fraudulent activity but my joy was soon taken as an article about Lee Thompson Young  was posted on my newsfeed from TMZ. He was found dead from what appears to be an self inflicted gun shot. He was 29. 

For those of you who don't know Lee Thompson Young played Jett Jackson on the Disney Show:  "The Famous Jett Jackson." Now I wasn't a disney kid, I grew up on Nickelodeon, but I remember every now and then catching this show on Disney and thinking wow he is a black dude with those gorgeous eyes with his own show on Disney....WOW! He went on to do other things and quite honestly I went on to be a fangirl to others. 

The reason this story about his apparent suicide affects me is because it reminded me that no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter how successful you are or how unsuccessful you are, demons follow. It is up to you whether you want to live and fight them or give up. 

For about two weeks I have been weaving in and out of depression like symptoms. I don't like that word so instead of saying depression I will say I was having some good days and some bad days. Sleep deprivation played a role, and recognizing that I am at another new beginning. New beginnings are good, but because its new its also unknown at times.  I have two new beginnings, one I am currently looking for a position as a teacher; two I am dating someone. (Good times right? a time to be proud right? a time to be happy right?) Not sure where either will lead me, but I also don't like the unknown and fear arises. I have a lot of "I'm not good enough" thoughts. Not good enough to be anything that I desire to be.... That is my demon. And as I said, no matter what, demons follow. When you have gotten comfortable and have forgotten, oh cause you forget at times, that demon will be right on top of you choking you trying to take you out. The question is: will you let him win or will you fight? 

 I am not saying that this is what was going on with Lee Thompson Young. I don't really know his story, AND it has YET to be confirmed that this was indeed suicide, but he was 29. And that struck me because we are the same age. He was 5 days older than me. He would have been 30 on February 1st. Some of us have big problems with 30, I do. I feel like there are a lot of things I am not that I wanted to be by 30. I often feel like everyone's life is moving and mine is stuck. When I saw: "He was 29" all I kept thinking was he could be me or I could be him.

I am really sad about this brother's death, but my saying is that everything happens for a reason.  When I read it I was immediately sadden, but at the same time I heard a word in it. I don't want to lose. So I have to fight. I only know one way to fight....pleading the Blood of Jesus and praying. I gotta get into the scriptures and remember the word of God, cause that's how you fight in this situation. I have all the faith in the world, but need more in myself, self doubt is just fear....

I can only hope that his man is at peace. I hope that he has found solace in the place that he is now resting. I really hope that any others that have found themselves in a situation where they feel that all hope is lost are able to find help before falling into a place in which they can't return. 
 (again I am not saying that this was the situation that Lee Thompson Young was in)

The light at the end of this tunnel is that, often at funerals a preacher gives a word and offers to whomever is there who needs Jesus to come up and become born again. I feel like to a certain degree the break of this story was sort of like a personal alter call. 

RIP Lee Thompson Young