The Hardest Christmas 2016 edition

The internet has been littered with memes of the cursed 2016. Its been like tragedy after tragedy, death after death...a horrible election/results. 2016 insists on continuing to cause destruction...we thought nothing more can happen after this election, but it has.... I could feel it coming.... I didn't know what it would be but I could feel it.

I usually try to stay positive and if I don't see a positive I stay quiet (unless it's about Trump or Kpop I can be very vocal). I like to have a positive message because if there are any ears listening or eyes watching then they will say... Dani said...Danielle said... Princess of DE said...that hope is not lost and we will make it. But as God would have it...

An unexpected death occurred and I can't really say unexcepted because you really don't know the time or place, but it was unexpected in a side swipe kind of way.

My Aunt became ill, took a turn for the worst and passed away on December 17, in this ill-fated year of 2016.  Dealing with death and the feelings that occur with it is a difficult process. It is like the phrase, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." Because I am me I have to be invincible. No breaking down, "God won't put you through what you can't handle." Happy laughing, Angry Yelling, Worried No sleep, Awake, exhausted. Crying...no tears...no tears...my face is wet...I said no tears. I could see it happening in my mom, her big sister died. She was grieving for real...but mine was inside. My mom took her time off...that was smart...I didn't that was dumb... but I carry a lot on my shoulders, my students me, my mom needs...and I can't break down...WHO AM I? I am Champion....

Thank GOD, my mind is flooded with good memories...mornings in the kitchen drinking coffee at age 6 (she gave all the kids their first taste of coffee), afternoon watching the stories (Soap Operas) drinking pepsi, walking the path to her house from grandma's house, she had Nintendo delivered I'd assume for my cousins, but she was so excited seemed like it was for herself, those Encyclopedias that I just enjoyed looking at (not the inside of them the outside...the numbers... yall know I am different books are pretty) her excitement about Luther Vandross, her excitement about my excitement about Michael Jackson, birthday calls ...growing up and still being "Strawberry Short Cake" who had "bad a$$" boots, that she was going to order for herself too and she did... and Christmas Days when my mom had to figure out which gift would be my aunt's Christmas gift and which would be her Birthday gift...which leads to my point...

The Hardest Christmas...Christmas Day is my Aunt's Birthday. This whole season has been hard on my family.... I have stayed quiet just because like I said I don't talk about my anger or sadness or worries because to harp on such is not for the greater good of any of us, but I have, to be honest with myself and say this has been a difficult time. I have held it together because I have responsibilities...time continues and my mom is mine...my strength is for her. This to shall pass... and as hard as it will be Christmas 2016 will be just like the Whoville Christmas in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." The devil can come in the night to try to steal our joy, but we will wake up with smiles on our faces singing the Mariah Carey version of "Joy To the World" totally undefeated pissing the devil all the way off.

My current image and hope for the spirit of my Aunt are to be hand in hand with my Grandma, my other Aunt while others we have lost are welcoming her to heaven. You think God is throwing a birthday celebration for Jesus the ultimate Christmas baby and all the other Christmas babies...

Please, people, all hope is not lost and we have almost made it to the end of 2016...God has given us grace and mercy, we may have lost a few but remember their suffering is no more... If God took them they have a greater purpose now...and our purpose is to live and praise God until it is our turn. PLEASE be a Whoville and if you feel like a Grinch has stolen your Christmas sing for joy anyway...don't give the devil the opportunity to think that you are down and out... God willing I will see you in the New Year!!!!

MARRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Pillar

Death is interesting to say the least...it seems to bring people to a lost for words. The last post I made was about a death, so I guess this is how I deal. Someone died and although you can his o-bit is on the internet for confidentiality reasons I won't say his name, but I'll note that he was a child, the littlest of our youngsters.

Death touches us all differently. Some of us grieve briefly and move on, some of us grieve for years and never truly recover. The first death I remember effecting me gravely was that of my maternal grandmother. But I guess there is something that my mother taught that makes me sort of brush off the hurt/pain and get back on the horse. I think when my paternal grandfather passed I worried more about my paternal grandmother. I was a few year wiser upon this death and I had a better understanding of how to hold it in. Although I actually cried for like a minute out loud at work, but no one was there other than my aunt and maybe one other co worker. Then I wiped my tears and got back to work.

(Michael Jackson's death is a sour note in my life that still makes me drop a tear due to the terrible situation surrounding his death, so they are not tears for death but more idolizing tears of the pop star that was...)

I allow others to grieve and I "suck it up." It's sort of like I am the pillar. People lean on me; I am the ear that listens, I cottle, I build back up. While I let you feel, I make sure I look like the brick people know me to be.

I guess I made the mistake of being a cry baby in front of the wrong people, plus I have found that people are paralyzed when I (or others) break down. Especially men (at least the ones I know) and there is nothing worst than crying and needing that pat on the back from someone who is awkwardly watching.

My mother's text Monday was: "Hold it together about, little J--, sad thing." I did just that even as I remembered how on Friday he was sitting on my lap laughing and smiling as he practiced for the up coming Special Olympics. He was grabbing the modified small soft and squishy basketball, then dunking it like the next Michael Jordan. I held it together, when I remembered how that Saturday I found out this little guy knew how to play, "peek-a-boo."
 "I notice he was putting his hands up to his eyes then bringing them down, while I was changing him, I told my mom, I finally figured out he was playing "peek-a-boo."
I can see his face while he was on the changing table with the biggest smile on his face with his very quiet laugh. I even mentioned my favorite thing to do with this kiddo, which was when he would be sitting on my lap and I would let him hold my index finger with his tiny hands. Then I would make my legs sort of bounce and move his arms ever so gently as to mock driving a horse and buggy. And I would say to him: "Oh you must drive the buggy, do you drive the buggy?" He would smile and I would stop as I worried about too much movement or excitement. No matter how much the teacher/para would say he was a tough dude and not as fragile as he looked I would still always worry that I was doing to much. I am sure if he could have talked that he would have asked: "Why'd you stop?"
If you haven't figured it out he was Amish. So I also held it together as I told a co-worker about putting his little homemade Amish coat and bonnet on his little body before we went out to get on the bus at the end of the day. 

When I walked into the school this morning I knew that I had to continue being the pillar that I am, even as I saw wheelchairs moving and I knew he wouldn't be in them; even when I walked in the classroom and saw his little shirt lying on the desk along with his o-bit.

I don't think people would blame me if I broke down, but I think I would be mad at myself, but when being a pillar you're basically holding it all in, so then when you want to feel it won't come out or worst the original feeling turns into other emotions. Basically, after working in the classroom of the student who passed and holding everything in I went to my second job and wanted to get some of it out, but by this point it had been transformed into a different emotion. So now I am here typing these words as I think about Michael Jackson's song: Gone too Soon.

Now I don't know what the Amish believe, and although there are many ideas from the Christian perspective, I can see this little guy in heaven with the other children that leave us at an early age playing and laughing and singing. Maybe he is with other little Amish children, or maybe all children are together. I guess I can see this because that is the last image I saw of him before he died. Or maybe he is an angel. Either way I can't ask why, and I can't be angry. I can only accept that this happen and hope that if he was in pain that his suffering is over. I hope that he can sit on my Grandmother's lap and "drive his buggy."

   

He Could Be Me/ I Could Be Him

So I go onto facebook to announce that my Netflix account is back up and running after fraudulent activity but my joy was soon taken as an article about Lee Thompson Young  was posted on my newsfeed from TMZ. He was found dead from what appears to be an self inflicted gun shot. He was 29. 

For those of you who don't know Lee Thompson Young played Jett Jackson on the Disney Show:  "The Famous Jett Jackson." Now I wasn't a disney kid, I grew up on Nickelodeon, but I remember every now and then catching this show on Disney and thinking wow he is a black dude with those gorgeous eyes with his own show on Disney....WOW! He went on to do other things and quite honestly I went on to be a fangirl to others. 

The reason this story about his apparent suicide affects me is because it reminded me that no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter how successful you are or how unsuccessful you are, demons follow. It is up to you whether you want to live and fight them or give up. 

For about two weeks I have been weaving in and out of depression like symptoms. I don't like that word so instead of saying depression I will say I was having some good days and some bad days. Sleep deprivation played a role, and recognizing that I am at another new beginning. New beginnings are good, but because its new its also unknown at times.  I have two new beginnings, one I am currently looking for a position as a teacher; two I am dating someone. (Good times right? a time to be proud right? a time to be happy right?) Not sure where either will lead me, but I also don't like the unknown and fear arises. I have a lot of "I'm not good enough" thoughts. Not good enough to be anything that I desire to be.... That is my demon. And as I said, no matter what, demons follow. When you have gotten comfortable and have forgotten, oh cause you forget at times, that demon will be right on top of you choking you trying to take you out. The question is: will you let him win or will you fight? 

 I am not saying that this is what was going on with Lee Thompson Young. I don't really know his story, AND it has YET to be confirmed that this was indeed suicide, but he was 29. And that struck me because we are the same age. He was 5 days older than me. He would have been 30 on February 1st. Some of us have big problems with 30, I do. I feel like there are a lot of things I am not that I wanted to be by 30. I often feel like everyone's life is moving and mine is stuck. When I saw: "He was 29" all I kept thinking was he could be me or I could be him.

I am really sad about this brother's death, but my saying is that everything happens for a reason.  When I read it I was immediately sadden, but at the same time I heard a word in it. I don't want to lose. So I have to fight. I only know one way to fight....pleading the Blood of Jesus and praying. I gotta get into the scriptures and remember the word of God, cause that's how you fight in this situation. I have all the faith in the world, but need more in myself, self doubt is just fear....

I can only hope that his man is at peace. I hope that he has found solace in the place that he is now resting. I really hope that any others that have found themselves in a situation where they feel that all hope is lost are able to find help before falling into a place in which they can't return. 
 (again I am not saying that this was the situation that Lee Thompson Young was in)

The light at the end of this tunnel is that, often at funerals a preacher gives a word and offers to whomever is there who needs Jesus to come up and become born again. I feel like to a certain degree the break of this story was sort of like a personal alter call. 

RIP Lee Thompson Young