FML...yeah it's like that today!!!!

If someone seems mad or upset them wouldn't you wonder what it wrong? If they are a friend or family member wouldn't say: Hey, what going on you seem upset? 

NO of course not. In life we general attack the ones we love the most. So when one party is being mean or seem short tempered then those closest are probably getting the brunt of it and then in return instead of trying to help those closest to them just make it worst saying things that just as hurtful. 

Its a circle that just keeps going on and on and NO one takes ownership of their actions. 

Its like I can't trust people in the street to be a true friend and care for me the way I would care for them and I can't trust family to care about my feelings so I just retreat and continue to feel alone. 

Sometimes I feel like overall people don't see me. And I have always felt that no one could see me. I really try to hard to be a good to person to love everyone, enemies, frienemies, family, friends, strangers, I try to love all...

I am very tired of loving and caring only for others to see only the negative....I can't keep doing it....I give me and I lose me... nothing is reciprocated I just get brokenhearted or torn down. 

There isn't really solution, I either retreat to myself more or I harden my heart more....

Several things I don't understand about life: 
1.) why do we need others? 
- you may think you don't but you will drive yourself crazy if you separate yourself from other humans
2.) why do we need love?
-you may think you don't especially when you've never been in love or when love hurts you but people eventually yearn for a companion who loves you and you love them

I mean they have done studies about how people are less depressed when they are in love and when they are social. So clearly we need it, but I don't know if I want it, because I am tired of being hurt. 

I never say FML but I am saying it today...

And I apologize because I always try to be positive I always try to end positively at the end but I don't know what to say, only, I continue to have faith in God, but his so-called children are making me sick!!!

Clearing up the birthday blues before it even starts

So someone says: "few weeks until our birthdays," "DAMN my birthday I forgot!"
And I really wish I had not of been reminded. 29... and I don't have much to show for it...ok Bachelors and Masters great nice sheets of paper to put on my wall...and who can I blame? No one... Its my fault I am not a go getter and have a touch of gutlessness...
BUT HOPEFULLY...
I will meet more of the former power rangers (I mean YES its what I live for at the moment Rangers and Cake you got any???) which will strike a few more goals off the the list....AND HERE...

 ...another thing I wanted to do and although it is short and sweet and probably a verse from a song that anybody can sing, but at least I posted it randomly, I mean I attempted to post it on Facebook, but it didn't work so just when I was about to be like ok never mind I remembered the End of 20's/Before I'm 30 goal list. Posting a video of me singing was one of the goals...maybe I will show more of my vocals later and maybe I won't.... 

 In the HOURS it is taking me to compose this blog (because I was trying to upload the video the "easy way" through Google + but turns out the easy was to plug my phone into the computer and upload it from the computer smh) I came up with what I have to show for it aside from my papers that say this person is smart enough to go through college twice...
all my crap and this is just one closet...shoes in boxes, but what you don't see is the shoe rack on the left and the five other boxes of boots on the right and four pair in the floor...and you can see the left side that is filled with pants...my crap makes me happy (and sad when it is all over the place) and my ties, there are more downstairs in which I was sharing with my brother...I know its an odd thing for a girl to collect and wear but look at how awesome it looks: 

 Also there is this one this mentioned in the Bible, Jesus actually says it: (Get ready cause Jesus had a lot to say about this)

Matthew 6:25-34Amplified Bible (AMP)

²⁵ Therefore I tell you, stop being ^[a]perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?²⁷ And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life?²⁸ And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.²⁹ Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these.³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?³¹ Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?³² For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.³³ But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.³⁴ So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.
^{And the reason I mention this is because I will be kind of broke and I haven't been broke since 2009....in 2010 financially I started doing better than before, I was subbing and library, full-time and library, then even part-time and library, but now I am back to library, because of student teaching. And even though I know I will be alright sometimes it is difficult to keep yourself from worrying about things like lunch for everyday, monthly bills, gas, food expense, etc. The thing is when I was only doing the library gig I was still making it as far the above, and my closet looks like it can carry me through the rest of my time student teaching. (GEESH like the $100 I awe the school so they can give my my piece of paper that says masters) But I will survive as I have survived throughout my life since I was born from "Meconium aspiration syndrome" at birth to an ileostomy to now....and this in 2009:} 

^{Who says I'm not going to have crab legs and a Glass of Moscato this year for 29? You know how I do...Party by my lonesome! SMH!}

^{PS: If this blog doesn't do anything, by the end of it I always end feeling positive....} 

Good Luck Dani While drinking your juice in times square,for colored girls and the last airbender....

So I was thinking about it and I feel like I am just like the character Chuck in Good Luck Chuck, I mean not that I am sleeping with bachelors wanting to be married all willy nilly, but I have noticed that some of the guys I have talked to are now in relationships, and maybe its not an instant gratification as they portray in the movie, but still seems the same, AND there is no telling who the guys may have talked to after me prior to getting a girlfriend, but like I said it still seems the same. But I have seen it happen with just about every guy I have talked to like you know in the developing stages of a relationship then for whatever reason, deployment, college/football, lives 50+ miles away; nothing significant happens, than so many months down the line people are moving in with each other, having babies, taking trips...etc; with the one who wasn't me. What's crazy is I am a very optimistic person so when all these troubling situations occur I am like it can still work, oh you can be in London while I am in the States and it can work or yeah you can work from 3pm-12am and I can work 8am- 3:30 pm and it can work, yeah you can be in Kuwait and it can work, or yeah you can live in random state not close to Delaware and it can work or the best one of all, sure you can be just turning 21still in undergrad when I am already 25 looking at you like "been there done that," it can work out. 
I must be illogical not optimistic, plain old dumb not optimistic. Which is why I haven't talked to anyone for over 2 years, until recently. And it is one of the above situations, and yeah I feel like I am right back at the drawing board, only I am the one saying "It's not you it's me," this time because it is me feeling like I am going down the same road and why? how? Maybe through no fault of my own but through some sort of sub-conscious thing I go after guys/accept guys in my life, who are unavailable, not because they are seeing someone, but because they are involved with life. Hmmm....I do feel that I tend to lose myself in relationships and being in a relationship that's closer than a text or phone call makes me nervous due to a previous "one on one, most of the day, everyday relationship". And if you break down the word relationship, real as in not fake, or an actuality, and ship, a big boat in water, so its a large real boat in water(LOL and quirky begins),  and guess what I can't swim, but I really like water especially the ocean, but I am weary of real boats, so I take canoes. Silly me creating a funny story. And maybe that's it maybe I create so many stories, that the actual "ship" is afraid of meeting such standards (Its like the Titanic). And being serious, maybe it is the optimism that is scary to others. Maybe others already envision failure because they have also be in an "actual ship" which failed and the idea of another one is scary. We humans tend to be afraid of failure and worst we are afraid of what could be successful as well. Many of us haven't seen success, especially in "actual ships." 
It could be the one after me, isn't so intense, isn't so optimistic, isn't so caring, isn't so supportive, doesn't push to get more out of life, isn't ready for 2.5 kids, dog, cat, and pet snake....

Or I am in the "The never ending, don't tell mom, this is not another, teenage mutant, madea's family, dies hard again movie".... and I play "everyone's favorite supportive, you only ever saw as one of the guys, shoulder to cry on, sleep with and act awkward towards two days later when you introduce your fiance, sidekick."  Well you know sometimes they make sequels for that character...damn there I go with the optimism again....here we go: "I still know what you did in New York on Valentine's Day With the return of the Jedi."

It's Only Just Begun....

January 1, 2013...I will be taking one of the last steps in the process of becoming a teacher. I will be student teaching....

Now some out there who may have already did the whole student teaching thing may think that its not that serious, oh but it is. I am nervous. I mean I am so close to having my own classroom and I don't work in the "general" population. I work with students who are "exceptional" usually referred to as Special Ed. Children with disabilities. There are already MANY laws regarding education but in Special Education there is a law spells out every little thing from categorizing their disability to ensuring they will have a transition from high-school to the real world. 

As student teaching approached I had been asking myself "what did I get myself into?" 

I will be trying to learn everything that I possibly can and hope that I don't lose myself in the mix AND I have to be structured to keep myself in check because I am a Queen at bullsh*ting minutes, and hours away smh. (There is some homework involved, lesson plans, journals...etc) 

Under the nervous is excitement. EXCITEMENT to be FINISHED with school. WHEW! 
I am surprised in myself because when I started it I wasn't expecting to be happy about teaching, I wasn't expecting myself to like kids, I really didn't expect to even get started in the program, but as I have stated before somewhere in this blog I know that it has to be God's plan for me because I am getting through it as if I am floating, making GOOD grades all the way through and ALL doors have been open. I have worked with professionals that prior to me working with them I am giving an earful about how they are the worst, "oh she is this", "he is this"...and anyone I have encountered has been AWESOME! People who everyone else said that the people have worked against them have all worked in my favor. First real job that i got as I started my professional career was someone who dogged me in middle school and guess what although I would never consider us friends we worked together and it was fine. It all just let's me know that God is there. Even when I did face adversity with a co-worker, God was there helping me to stay calm and relaxed to just keep going. I am just glad other people could see she was at fault. 

Now I will be a "student intern" and I already know God is there, because my placement was worked out with my principal, the teacher or the year, and my student intern supervisor is the same lady who did my practicum visit and I LOVE HER!! LOL because she made me feel at ease! And remember its GOD, when I did my practicum, I told her I worked in the other classroom and told her my teachers name and she said "OH (insert name here) is my friend!"  That is another link.  

Now my nerves are getting in the way, but I already know favor is over me in this situation as it has been and I know I will be successful. I just gotta work HARD! (you know me and working hard ain't eva been friends)