You v. You...Forgiving YOU!

Let's be real...
It's hard...
What...
Loving yourself...
Sometimes you can look at your life, look at mistakes or what you think are mistakes and you judge yourself...
You think: Damn seriously is that not the third...fourth...fifth...time, have you not learned...
You think: You are so old and where are you now? 
You think: At this point why bother...
Buying, wearing things to feel pretty...to feel handsome...to look put together;
on the outside...
You even trick yourself into believing you are pretty awesome...
Until that moment of silence, that walk outside, when you can hear the arguement that is going on with yourself...
When yourself is calling you out on you idiocracies...
And you want to cry, but you can't let them see;
you sweat...
You let yourself beat yourself up when you are alone...
Just quit while your ahead...
Its not you its...
You...
Just RUNAWAY! 
You can't run from yourself...
Wherever you go...
you go...
Running leads to false contentment...
But you will catch up to you and you will hate you again...
What do they say? 
Only God can judge me? 
Maybe you should tell you, only God can just you...
Maybe you will leave you alone...
Maybe you should remember the past has passed...
Go ahead...
Cry...
Get it out...
Scream...
Call yourself names... 
Wish that you had never been born...
It hurts...
You can' t help that you hurt...
When its all out...
When no more tears can fall from your eyes...
Get yourself to a mirror...
Look at yourself...
Don't get angry at the cry baby face you see...
Look yourself in the eyes...
And apologize...
Say: "I'm sorry, I've hated you, for the same reason haters hate." 
Because underneath it all...
Deep down...
You know you have a purpose...
So apologize to yourself...
Then you should forgive yourself...
God already forgave you...
If God forgave you...
You have got to see that you have to forgive yourself...
And feelings of being less than...
They return at times...
You have to remember that God forgave you...
And you forgave yourself...
So keep going....

***************FIN************
When I am down, I turn to writing...and I through journaling blogging, writing, whatever, I talk myself out being sad or down and hope that someone else can relate and it makes them feel better too....

I will not say Bah-humbug!

Well... here we are on Christmas Eve, unfortunately this is one of very FEW Christmas' where I just don't feel the spirit. 
The spirit of Jesus is with me always, but I am talking about that superficial OMG its Christmas, "Santa's gonna make you mine this Christmas"..."All I want for Christmas is you." 
I guess I mean its not feeling like a Mariah Christmas right now and I am about an hour and twenty minutes away, probably will be closer when I finish. 
Just been a different feeling in the air since September. Don't know why. I pretty much accomplished the goals of 2012 at least for my education. Finished my Praxis Tests and passed, Finished all my required courses, finished the Autism Certification class, 2013 with be all about student teaching graduation and 1st teaching positions. (SAY WHAT!) All of which is VERY exciting.  

Technically there is someone in my life, nothing official, but our next "date" has alot to do with Power Rangers and Lando of Star Wars.  VERY exciting stuff once again in 2013. 

 Don't know why I am so bummed out...I mean I got my mom what she has been asking for...which could go good or bad considering she asked me NOT to get for fear of the cost. Oh well. I have been getting what I want all year, like my wedge sneaker collection, that although I have worn them around town, they are going to be so perfect for my power ranger date (LMAO)! All I need now is that damn COMMUNICATOR...Soon...SOON! 

I could be bummed out from just being old. I am 28 going on 29 and although I still get mistaken for 16-18...my body knows the difference. Maybe my nerves about student teaching are getting me all bummed out.  I really haven't been able to think about anything else. I worry about alot that revolves around student teaching, but at the end of the day I know I must pray about it and give it to God, I know I am worried for no reason because really he has already made a way for me. I am with an awesome teacher, my clinical supervisor is awesome for my practicum, and I know I will be working with a great group of students. Now if only I could make myself a great student teacher/better person in general. 
I don't know... maybe I need to watch a bunch of Christmas themed movies, we watched Christmas Cupid (Ex-mas) today which we had watched before, other than that I have been watching super sentai. SMH....
And maybe the memories of this past weekend are dancing around in my noggin, hmmmm how about all of the above.... 
I tell you what I REFUSE to say Bah Humbug!!!! SO MERRY CHRISTMAS! Life is up and down, I am somewhere between at the moment... actually I have been up for the most part since 2010 :) God is Good! I guess that is the overall message to be remembered during this holiday season!
 

Guided Practice...with God's favor!

Yes, guided practice...its some teach jargon....and I am using it because next semester I embark on my time as a "student teacher" or as they like to say now: "Student Intern."  AND I MUST SAY:

GOD IS GOOD!

Why do I say that? Because He never fails to amaze me of his good works. Put it to you like this, it's not good luck that I have had throughout my journey through grad school; I have had favor. Every piece of the puzzle has been has been put down starting with the edges and filling in as time goes on. Everything from day one. I started with subbing and I made connections immediately within Capital School District, I was given simple advice about starting the master's program at Wilmington University. I took that advice and applied for the program and everything went through (because usually people have sooo much trouble when trying to go to college). I started taking classes and I have maintained a 3.7 GPA throughout. After subbing I applied for a summer school position, and GOT IT! Not only did I get experience in waking up everyday to get to work, but I also took care of some personal demons. (I understand other adults better and why they are all miserable). Summer school was great, I applied for a school year position and GOT IT! My first Full-time with benefits position. And everyday of it was a little bit of Heaven and a lot of bit of Hell. This was just more experience in dealing with people who are miserable and due to that fact mistreat ALL (students and co-workers). For me waking up every morning and so not wanting to be around this person was just another learning experience. It was a wall that I had to climb to get to my next destination. God will give you opportunity, but he will also give you a situation, in which you can do one of two things, forget about His love and mercy and have hatred or remember Him and that no weapon form against you shall prosper. I chose to remember Him and I got through it. All the while going to class and having the right people in my corner such as professors, principals, teachers, and my family. And the love from my students. OMG how I absolutely adore each student I worked with and those who were in other classrooms. I love to hear students say my name. Miss Danielle. Its so cute. And some say it wrong and some say it right but being that I work with students with disabilities hearing them say anything at all is good, seeing a non verbal student respond to my picture is what makes dealing with the miserable people worth it. Moving on I obtained another position during summer school. After summer school something happened that would have made any person, upset, or worried. I didn't get a call back for a position during the school year. I wasn't worried and I wasn't upset, I knew that God had my back because I knew he was carrying me through this journey. I applied for several positions. Including my beloved KCCS. But I didn't get a call for an interview. It was looking like I wasn't going to get a call for an interview. I did however recieved a call from a different school for a different position. The day that I was getting ready from the interview I was standing in the bathroom attempting to do my hair and as I looked at myself I was talking in my head saying: "I really don't want to go to this interview, I really don't want this position." And as usually God, hearing my thoughts knowing my heart sent an answer. I was probably an hour and thirty minutes away from the interview, when I got a phone call from my current employer offering me a position for the school year. Sure it was part-time, but it only made since considering he knew that I would be going into student teaching. I accepted the offer. That was one of those, "He may not come when you call Him, but He's always on time."  And the atmosphere that I am in right now is great. I don't know if I am naive or if I am literally good natured, but I love my job, I love my co-workers, and I love the principals. Maybe I haven't been around long enough or been in proximity long enough to have the same ill feelings for others as others have towards each other, but  as of now I genuinely like everyone. It doesn't stop there though. I tend to have anxiety about my future endeavours. I get nervous. Being a teacher and having responsiblities dealing with children is tough and scary. So as it came to be; student teaching, I was very slow in the process. I mean its like who will be my mentor teacher? Who will be my internship supervisor? Who are the kids? ETC. and God once again made a way for me. First off, my internship supervior is a lady who my practicum observer, and she was so nice. The second part still needs to be set as official but the teacher and classroom that I may be getting...should be awesome.

And all of this is why I feel that I have had favor through out my education and work related experience. God is Good! And after all of this will come graduation and certification and life really doesn't end there and neither does the favor that God has over my life. I am sure more good things are instore for me through God's faithfulness to me and my faithfulness to him. Through EVERYTHING I have been in love! I have been in love with myself, my students, my employer, my co-workers (most of them) and my experience. So maybe after all of this I will also be in love with a significant other.

Stay tuned to find out :)