The Fourth Wall...a new superstition

Breaking the 4th wall LOL!

Have you ever heard of the “fourth wall”? If you are an actor or work in theatre than you probably know that the “fourth wall" is an imaginary wall between the audience and the actors on stage.  Even though I am fully aware of stage rules, I didn’t know about this wall. I mean I didn’t know there was a term for it. My brother informed me about it when he was technically forced against his will to listen to The- Dream and in the song Sex Intelligent, The -Dream sings  : Know this song is over….and my brother was like he just broke the 4^th wall and I was like what…so my brother began to ramble as he does in the voice that came from our father and tells me all about this wall… so I say oh yeah Marques Houston does that in another song called Mattress Music and he sings: First I want to thank you for buying this cd, I promise when you hear it, you’ll be thanking me….  Any way I didn’t think about this wall much until last night!



I have been chatting with a facebook friend for about 3 days now and this person is pretty cool, technically he’s local and because he sort of grew up in Dover/Camden, and went to school around here he is in my safety zone.  (Everyone is assumed to be a murderer regardless of the safety zone creditals) So he has my number and wanted to upgrade our convo to a phone call and even though there is nothing wrong with this I am really trying to do these relationship things centimeter by centimeter, not that it’s that serious, I just feel like other situations moved too fast and ended in the same speed…slow motion might make things last longer, or end quicker… I just feel a way about these things now so taking time is best.  During our convo  I told him his profile pic reminded me of an example internet pic, you know how you like go to a site and it teaches you how to use the site and in the example they have a picture of whomever doing whatever or like you google pictures of something and all the pics are like set up professionally like an ad…that’s what his profile pic looks like. So I said that he might not even be a real person.

One of those internet
not real ppl pics

We both thought that this stuff I was saying at probably 12am or 1 am was hilarious and I guess the idea of him being an imaginary person made him want to call or maybe it was the inconvenience of typing I dunno but I didn’t want him to call me so I told him it would break the fourth wall and it all snow balled in to  the most hilarious bunch of jokes ever. 

Now I get to the point of this blog…unfortunately I was serious about this fourth wall and I made up excuses so he wouldn’t call but the truth is…fear.  I guess I’ve been down this road before…I meet someone virtually or in real life, we chit chat, it’s the best convos in the longest, so much in common, he’s attractive or his personally overrides something that is unattractive, we decide to meet, we date, we crash, and then we burn and I am left to think about how dumb I was for allowing them in my life to begin with.  I felt that if he had of called me, he WOULD have broken the fourth wall and the show would plummeted from there. Jinx…a phone call would have been a jinx. Like I was joking saying a phone call would have been like the movie the Adjustment Bureau because he broke the fourth wall and the earth would shatter, something would have shattered. 

I know this all seems silly, but sometimes insecurities and emotional wounds create another realm of problems.  You get caught up in trying to make sure that you aren’t hurt again. If it stays at a lower friendship level you shouldn’t get hurt right? (Apparently this is called undermining) I think at times my mind is clouded with so much and that is the big reason I decided to try and work on my goals…I tend to get lost while in relationships because I forget my role is GIRLFRIEND not WIFE not even COMMON LAW WIFE. It took me a minute to understand that this is what my mom’s point has been all this time. I just want to make sure at the end of the day I’ve got all that I need for me regardless of who is at my side and if I decide to share it with them or not you know.

The fourth wall maybe imaginary and it is easily broken but try to keep it up for a while, make sure you  have a strong foundation in yourself, and then break the barrier. That’s what I’ll be working on.

When you are ready Karate Kick the wall down!

Shopsdrops Syndrome...coping with Clotheswhorism!

I had an appointment in which my outfit had to be so so…ok it was an interview…. Now everyone knows that the official interview outfit is a black suit, slacks or a skirt, or blue suit of the same. I absolutely hate this…I mean if there was something I could do away with, it would be the black suit, and  at times the LBD, Little Black Dress…sure both are sexy, but at times absolutely boring.  (I also don't care for the color black because it is so dreary and slims me in which I don't really need to look any slimer since I have been slimming down anyway and that is pissing off, but that is another blog for another day.)

I thought  this interview was going to be a bit more relaxed, so I asked my mom what she thought I should wear hoping she would say kahkis or something…and her response was: "well everyone has been wearing black suits"…(the interviews were in the building she currently works in) so immediately I became disgruntled, and these are the words that came out of my mouth that were etched into my head: “I hate black suits, they don’t show personality.” And as I walked out to walk my dog, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I am too dependent on my clothes.

I thought about that as I walked down the street with the pup. It became clear to me why the basic black/blue suit is used…they want to see you the person…not you the cute outfit. Like if I had of worn the outfit I wanted to wear (which I wore to substitute a 6^th grade class and one young lady said: you can dress!) they would have seen the cute outfit, but not me the person. I mean some people use that to their advantage…a woman can use her sex appeal with men…for me that was unnecessary (all women panel).

Overall I felt some kind of way about myself. I felt like a clotheswhore. I thought about my daily activities with clothes and how lately I've been feeling like if I think something is missing from my outfit I need to buy it…like ASAP…like I wanted to wear a particular dress that's brown and cafe with a few spots of fushia and I wanted to highlight the fushia. I have fushia sandals and a fushia purse, but I needed like a fushia jacket because I always need something for my arms, I wanted to go somewhere right then at that moment and buy the piece that I needed, but I couldn't so I had to put something else on. This happens on a regular basis and I by clothes, shoes, purses and accesories anytime I am paid...and that is a problem.

A nice outfit makes me feel good, then if people compliment me it is instant gratification so clothes go a long way, but I should be confident in  sweats...and I mean those "I am on my period sweats," LOL! But I don't. I have felt like crying when my outfits weren't coming out as planned. I spend time and money to find items I need to make complete outfits. I guess this really isn't as big of a problem as one might think, but overall I do feel like at times I let clothes speak for me, they say look: isn't this printed dress cute and don't I seem a little bit more personable in it? When really I have to speak real words to be personable.

See this is a learned behavior,
 my mother taught me LOL!

It is important for me to look good, and when it comes to my look I am also a perfectionist and it bugs the hell out of me if just one piece of hair is out of place ( I have taught myself to realize we can't be perfect so relax) and I also dress for MYSELF. Let's be really people make assumptions everyday based off of how someone looks...I would prefer someone think that I am classy, rich, and a nice person than to think that I am a floosey because I have on some high heels and a short skirt, (not that I wouldn't where this in the appropriate atmosphere)  People notice; girls and guys, some people say they like it, some don't and others I KNOW hate (which is another reason for my dressing) but overall I dress the way I dress because I represent myself and I want someone to see a professional sometimes, spunky, or classy, or girlie, most of all womanly. Not trashy or as Destiny's Child described a Nasty Girl.  So even though at times my dressing is a lil OCD with colors, matching, accesories, and shoes there is an overall reason. I just need to know how to ensure how to show my personality with or with out the pretty clothes.

By the way I got the job even if it is just over the summer it is a door opening opportunity, which means my goals are so coming along!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goals achieved for 2011

1.) Enrolled in a Master of Spec. ED. progam

2.) Position Aquired as Summer School Para Professional!

3.)

4.)

5.)

Got a few more to go.... :-)

By Chance....

I told someone that in so many ways God let me know that I would get everything that want/need and I would be happy so I don’t have to worry. The person must not have understood completely because he was like “well I live like everyday is my last and I go after what I want.” I took that as he thought I was saying I don’t go after the things I want I just wait for God to do his thing… not so much but in a since yes….

So I was thinking of meeting the “One.”

Today dating is like one click away there are so many sites that claim to be able to match people and if people don’t use dating sites then they use facebook or other social networks to find possible “soul mates.” Not me. Well I don’t go on specifically looking for boyfriends, if they find me well that’s different. 

Which leads me to my point…I want to be found and preferably not on the internet. I basically created a scenario of what I would like to happen one day in my life. I recently heard a quote that was like: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him what YOU want to do,” or something like that, and that’s funny because everyone knows that life is on behalf of God’s Will, but hey there is prayer right in which you ask God for what you want and he gives you what you want as He sees needed. This concept is something that I totally understand but I still like to day dream…this is how I would like to meet the one…

  Randomly, as in by chance. I would want to be somewhere like in the mall or at school or a place in real life opposed to the internet. I would hope that he would have enough courage to speak to me, that is if I want him to speak to me…meaning if this happens and I am not attracted or don’t find him appealing then I probably don’t want him to speak to me but if I do then I hope he speaks. I hope that a classic conversation would ensue and at the end we exchange numbers or something. 

It just doesn’t happen like this anymore.

 I have met more guys from Facebook or the once popular Myspace in the past couple of years than in flesh and blood.  It’s not horrible meeting people this way but I still have mayor trust issues with the internet I mean too many crazies have access to profiles.  Plus I am old school I like meeting people in reality, even if they are just as crazy too.  Even though I seclude myself and have become a rather solo dolo person, I am pretty sociable. I enjoy meeting people, I don’t mind going up to someone and being like” yo what’s up”…that’s me, but in my traditional world I don’t want to be the one to hit someone up first. My philosophy has become if he doesn’t speak then it wasn’t meant to be and I can forget a face as quick as I “fell in love” with that face.  Sometimes I look at it like “he’s just not that in to me.” If a guy gets at me and we text or talk a little and then he disappears…good redden to rubbish. I am not going to chase dude down…I feel like I have shown my interest in speaking to you in the first place so if you don’t continue to speak to me well then you must have lost interest. Same goes if you hit me up and I don’t respond then I’m  not interest…BUT if you say something to me, and I respond and you don’t respond back then I say something else to you and you still don’t respond…that’s it. You are only going to get so many chances with me.

Overall it just sucks that meeting people in person is like pulling teeth…meeting the RIGHT people in person is like pulling teeth.

But yeah that is how I would love to meet someone.  Is that so wrong to ask…by chance, in person, hold a conversation (meaningful conversation) and take it from there….

WANTED: Traditional Good Time....

So would I be like selling myself short (or better yet would I appear desperate) if I went on Facebook and announced that I need a date?

 My ad would sound something to the effect of: 

Hi all…I am looking to go out on a Friday evening or Saturday afternoon in which a “date” will pick me up. The venue: Friendly’s where we can partake in a small entrée and an ice cream sundae. We will engage in small talk with jokes and laughs as we eat. Once finish the date will offer to pay and maybe I will say, “Thanks,” and maybe I will say, “that’s ok I’ll take care of my portion,” but in no way will I be paying for both of us. We will enjoy a nice car ride (I will enjoy a car ride you will drive) back to my house where I will say “deuces,” and go inside. We don’t have to talk ever again in life. I am just looking for a nice night or afternoon with Ice-cream….

Or…

I am looking for someone who would like to take me to Secrets night club in Ocean City, MD. You must be attractive 23+ years in age, football player build, 5’11-6’4 ht, 195-220 wt. Race doesn’t matter. Height and Weight does!!! Looking to relive a past experience at the club and a moment on the beach….

LOL!

The date I am more interested in is the Ice-cream date and the sad thing is I have someone in mind for both, and I would, but I don’t want to ask him. (There is a follow up blog to this topic)

Meeting people, when you treat yourself like a shut in, is very hard…lol….Let us evaluate my life: I work at a college and have watched the young men come and go thinking that I am too old and too unapproachable. (I am neither of the two by the way.)  I Sub…in which the adult population is very feminine based, or there are old men or old married men…clearly I am a cougar so that doesn’t work for me. (This is what working at a college has done to me.) I am now enrolled in classes for my master’s (please note my resolutions) and so far mostly women fill classes with older gentlemen here and there. I do nothing and the guys I have liked are equally unable to be a boyfriend of my standards. One in a sense can’t and the other probably the other is dreamy….as in your dreams…he makes me feel like that high school sophomore who likes that senior who doesn’t notice me…I mean them, at all and has a girlfriend to boot…

You know it is so funny how you can say you want this or that in a guy or girl but really you don’t know what you want or need which is why at the end of the day this is another “Let God” moment, because whoever is sent to find me I am so sure will be EXACTLY, EVERYTHING that I need for me and vice versa…you know I for him. I just have to make sure I remember what Mr. Adams said every morning: “Be at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.”    

By the way to answer my question at the introduction: Yes! But not just desperate, slightly pathetic too.