Lately I've been dealing with alot of feelings that can't/couldn't decipher, or like fix. Usually I am really good at hearing myself hear dumb stuff in my head and be like yeah right shut up satan. And maybe it's been the lack of self care... oddly enough I've been trying to keep up with self care and even at work we talked about self care every month and I thought I had it going on but by March I was jacked up caught in stress... not even fully work related. Crazy thing I always talk about kids not being able to process their feelings because their brains aren't fully developed. But just now I realize I haven't been able to process my feelings either. I feel everything all at once, I get mad at myself, I get self doubt, view myself as "not good enough," silly, and ugly. I swear I felt like I was in middle school again. And I don't even want to talk about the love life thing like... You start to feel like maybe you don't deserve love, or kids.... I try to look at my students as mine, but it's hard giving them away at the end of the year (sometimes 😂). I had this grand idea to prepare for single motherhood on my own terms and this is where I think God came to the rescue cause I I'm sorry as many mom's are out here doing the single motherhood thing like a boss I just don't really want to do that. Not that I can't cause I can, I know I can but I don't want to and I honestly don't think it's of God. It's funny ppl were ok with it when I said I might have to borrow someone's seed. They agreed like sometimes that what you gotta do... and the Danielle inside was like WHAT????
Now I hate like talking about my "issues" cause I feel like I sound like a whiny brat. Like girl stop.... listen your kpop and get over it. But hell even my kpop was leading me to feelings I couldn't process....
Sometimes a message can be given and it's like you've kind of heard it before but this time it's received. Like the constant message given is God's grace, redemption and forgiveness. I think it was the fact that the speaker Dr. Gregory Cruell brought up Robin Williams and his suicide... it reminded me of how much satan really doesn't like me and really wishes I'd murk myself....(it's an evil devilish satanic demonic spirit that messes with us like that) I realized a few years ago I'm here for a reason... I looked over my life... when I was to be born my mom was sent home told she wasnt in labor... that only could have left me brain damaged or I could have been born with Cerebral palsy. Instead I ingested fecal matter (not funny) and since that's basically body poison I could have died.
Then honestly self hate is nothing knew to me... I'm not sure if I was a sensitive kid but I was the kid that took everything other ppl said about me to heart... I don't understand my complexion, I'm short but not petite, I have big feet that are odd looking, I grow a unibrow I have dark features on light skin, AND I have a pot belly, but im skinny... I wish I looked like the girls in music videos, honestly I wish I was cool like the girls in high school. I also hate the brain wave in me that says: here's a thing now obsess about it.... (i have easily acquired over $2000 (if not more) in 2pm (please see kpop blog) and power ranger stuff.... should I say I don't hate it until someone looks at me with that "you're So pitiful" look and says: "you're obsessed" wtf is wrong with me liking Kim Min Jun to the point that I wrote him a letter while he was in basic??? (Please see kpop blog) what's wrong with me loving Michael Jackson so much his death still hurts??? Do I go to work? Have I paid my bills? So when I buy myself another Kim Min Jun t-shirt who did it hurt? You? Do you know how many kpop fans /power ranger fans and or power rangers I could gather and have a party and call them my friends because we really are friends?? Ok ok... moving on... I've discussed this before there was that other time I almost died... abscess bursting inside of your gut really hurts btw, a doc telling you, you're gonna die takes a second to process. I'm still here tho... so the devil has been defeated so many times in trying to kill me. Today I was reminded that that is satan's plan.... now really the preachers message was about validation and affirmation.... in other words if someone in Robin Williams' camp had of gotten to him first and re-affirmed his awesomeness maybe he wouldn't have taken himself.... there were some other things I heard like remembering God's Plan.... I'm a planner, it's like school career marriage baby only my plans fell through lol. That's also been a major downer for me... my idea, my plan I had for myself... after a 2 year relationship I'm like ok whatever... but then I realized a year later I didn't know which way to go... that didn't work so do I go back to school??? Lol I was thinking I need to get back on the path.... but where's the path??? Yeah I need to find the path God has for me.... a friend recently said... "God doesn't make mistakes" (dont even know what were talking about but it stuck with me) which takes me back to another sermon where the preacher talked how we are always saying... "I'm not good enough or tall enough or skinny enough etc etc... bunch of stuff I don't like about myself, but "God doesn't makes mistakes" if I could keep these lessons in my head, but I've got to practice what is preached..... the great thing is I heard God loud and clear today... "stop all that over thinking and follow my word for answers, trust Me (God) for answers." (Cause I don't listen to others anyway I'm always trying to decipher life with my answers, but I've got all the answers to the old tests not the new ones 😂) AND it's obvious I'm here for a reason... I have a purpose, I have touched lives (I've been a big sister to so many) I will be a part of more....
Also I need to finish what the other preacher said... he said write a list of 20 things you like about yourself... I got to 8 things and some of the things on the list are things I don't always like 😂
1. I'm 5'1.5 (shortie)
2. Passionate for specific persons or things (That so called obsession)
3. In my mind I'm as much a star as Beyonce
4. Caring
5. I'm soft and squishy ( not toned)
6. Quirky
7. Geek
8. I need and wear glasses/contacts
9. Stylish/ style of my own
10. I can flirt/be polite in English, Spanish, and Korean
11. More outgoing than I like to admit
12. Children stare at me like I'm an alien, adults stare at me cause I'm exotic? (I haven't figured it out)
13. I'm a good teacher
14. I nurture (I'm sorry but I will be motherly/big sisterly to everyone)
15. I fall in love too easily (I will always love you, better yet I will always see the good in you, this is in all relationships)
16. I can sing (not always good, but only Kim Min Jun sings perfectly 😂 lies sometimes he is flat or pitchy)
17. I'm super imaginative (with structure tho)
18. I love sugar
19. I'm more rational than I'd like to be
20. I'm 34 years old... I feel 14 forever lol #youngforever
By the way... it's going to be super hard to stop making my own plans like I'm a very structured person so I hope God shows me this path clearly, because much like my students I'm not so good with change or transitions out of my control.....
