So as I'm driving home the song Addicted by mi favorito Prince Royce starts and I get to thinking about my current love life or lack thereof. The song rouses something because of the lyrics starting with: sleeping in /Sunday morning /body's intertwined p/playing fake/ we're awake /but we don't want to rise.... I remember the feeling. And maybe that's missing but don't know. I've been working hard almost non-stop. I'm actually getting nervous because i'll be done fairly soon and although that means more responsibility as a teacher I will have just that. Teaching. But as I accomplish my goals and get closer to the future ahead of me I've harden my heart in my time of being single I've made myself indifferent to my feelings. Like I can't imagine being in love let alone going on a date. I've taken myself to my comfort level of having another celebrity crush that helps me get over being lonely as well as using my dog to fill the void of companionship. I'm numb. I've never been this completely numb but then I guess I'm not completely numb because I'm writing this. Part of me is still mourning El amor que perdimos. The love we lost and really love had NOTHING to do with it. I think the truth is I'm scared of love. It has hurt for the most part and I don't trust it because they love you one moment and have moved on the next. Tu eres Linda is just the same a you are sexy as far as I'm concerned and can be said just as easily. Unnecessary tears drop and I quickly wipe them away to quickly forget...to forget the statistics of black relationships...to forget racism/discrimination that keeps us broken even if the world is turning cream. To forget you and I were ever one to forget that there is such an emotion to
forget the humanistic need for it...but its been mean to me and my beliefs that may be slightly naive but are my beliefs regardless and have kept me going to this point. I'm not doing enough t ignore it or maybe I haven't been ignoring it at all which is why I'm here now. Maybe a year and a half Of lovelessness has been enough. I'm not ready to get back in there only because I wont have the time to be theirs but isn't that the very excuse I hate to hear from a dude isn't that the last excuse that I heard so where do I get off. Maybe I'm just as afraid of what the commitment means as he/they are and I don't know. Not sure I've spent a lot of time fighting to get away from whatever love is that I've closed myself and some of that is OK and some of it is grossly wrong but i'll see in due time.right now I'm sort of blind to it and until my eyes are and heart are opened I guess I should continue to deal with my indifference.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Hello 2012 I'm ready, I been ready!!!
As I watch the movie 2012 we are now about 22 hours (and counting considering this will be posted way after the mentioned) into the year 2012. There is a lot of speculation about this year and the end and as I watch I just don’t think I would be one of those people who would fight to stay alive (spoiler alert for those who have not seen the film) I think I would stay in my home like the president did in the film and chill. In the meantime I don’t believe in such an ending anyway, when the Lord is ready he’ll do his thing in the meantime I know that He has some promises for me. 2012 is a new beginning but not new. Not new start, not new me, not new life, just new things. I have never been more excited about a new year and my life. Usually I have tears in my eyes scared to death of the future and even now I am a little scared because change is always scary but I have so much faith that there will be prosperity. 2011 was the year of many accomplishments. I enrolled in Grad school, passed the PRAXIS I in one try, fell in love with students/teaching and applied/and was hired as a para for the summer and this school year. 2012 takes me in to the second half as a full time para…I have some big time plans for this summer and next fall. I have a few more PRAXIS II tests to take which is another thing I am excited about hoping for another first time's the charm. (currently studying). Of course those are career goals. I do have some romantic goals….
I caught myself saying some mess like 2012 I’ll be meeting my husband. Now I’m not knocking that thought, it is good to speak some things in to existence, but that is not how I roll. It is average girl talk but not MY philosophy. I can’t say a date on or a year, but I do believe that my love life will spark up sometime soon. I mean I have been really blocking that out. Oh yeah I flirt, I chat, I think about that type of thing a lot, but most of the time deep down I know that it’s not time. I am not ready, he is not ready (whoever he is)….so I let it go…honestly I’ve had no other choice…yeah 2011 was the driest I mean it was like prohibition up in here. No love…N-O, L-O-V-E for me….Nada! Ok so there was the flirtations in North Carolina, but come on…. I am starting to get myself ready to open up. I mean I think that I was blinded for a while anyway as I pursue my degree. I tend to get a little preoccupied with the other in the relationship, which leads to losing site of important stuff. Overall love may not happen in 2012, but I will definitely be a little closer….
Ok now enough with the career and love predictions lets talk money…. I need to learn how to manage/budget, I may need to get one of those bill calendar things because I spend money like its water (sometimes) and I don’t have that many bills. I have got to start doing something to start as savings because number one I am going to be taking a trip, I don’t know if I will be able to do it 2012 or if I have to wait for 2013, but there is a friend and a place I want to visit. I have some other financial ideas for this year but I need to sit down and work them out. I am addicted to shopping and I am clearly trying to bury my self in clothes and shoes. All work and no play makes dani need a few outfits. And if its not the clothes, shoes, purses, jeans, dresses its anything for our house, food, oil, electric…some essentials that are important anyway…and somethings that aren’t essentials like chocolate and dvds.
I managed to accomplish all my goals in 2011 except one and I actually held myself back with it in fear of rejection, which was dumb because everything I accomplished I did because God gave me the ok…really I gave him the OK…meaning I finally let go and let God, but I couldn’t seem to see the last one through and that was wrong…. I feel that I need to get on with it…when it is accomplished many will know, but I can only give so much away. I have been trying to make it a habit that I keep such things to myself, that is until it is accomplished of course. This year I made the list longer that five goals I made it ten. I don’t know if I will accomplish them all but I will be giving it my all in 2012.
Goals for 2012
1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.)
Let’s see what happens….
PS: 2011 has given me some things that I never thought I would have made it through. I have grown up/matured a lot (even though I think I have that eternally 16 thing like Mariah (hers is 13) I got through and I learned much about myself and I am about to embark on another journey that will definitely be riddled with enemies and obstacles, but I've got the victory and will be victorious this time next year....
I caught myself saying some mess like 2012 I’ll be meeting my husband. Now I’m not knocking that thought, it is good to speak some things in to existence, but that is not how I roll. It is average girl talk but not MY philosophy. I can’t say a date on or a year, but I do believe that my love life will spark up sometime soon. I mean I have been really blocking that out. Oh yeah I flirt, I chat, I think about that type of thing a lot, but most of the time deep down I know that it’s not time. I am not ready, he is not ready (whoever he is)….so I let it go…honestly I’ve had no other choice…yeah 2011 was the driest I mean it was like prohibition up in here. No love…N-O, L-O-V-E for me….Nada! Ok so there was the flirtations in North Carolina, but come on…. I am starting to get myself ready to open up. I mean I think that I was blinded for a while anyway as I pursue my degree. I tend to get a little preoccupied with the other in the relationship, which leads to losing site of important stuff. Overall love may not happen in 2012, but I will definitely be a little closer….
Ok now enough with the career and love predictions lets talk money…. I need to learn how to manage/budget, I may need to get one of those bill calendar things because I spend money like its water (sometimes) and I don’t have that many bills. I have got to start doing something to start as savings because number one I am going to be taking a trip, I don’t know if I will be able to do it 2012 or if I have to wait for 2013, but there is a friend and a place I want to visit. I have some other financial ideas for this year but I need to sit down and work them out. I am addicted to shopping and I am clearly trying to bury my self in clothes and shoes. All work and no play makes dani need a few outfits. And if its not the clothes, shoes, purses, jeans, dresses its anything for our house, food, oil, electric…some essentials that are important anyway…and somethings that aren’t essentials like chocolate and dvds.
I managed to accomplish all my goals in 2011 except one and I actually held myself back with it in fear of rejection, which was dumb because everything I accomplished I did because God gave me the ok…really I gave him the OK…meaning I finally let go and let God, but I couldn’t seem to see the last one through and that was wrong…. I feel that I need to get on with it…when it is accomplished many will know, but I can only give so much away. I have been trying to make it a habit that I keep such things to myself, that is until it is accomplished of course. This year I made the list longer that five goals I made it ten. I don’t know if I will accomplish them all but I will be giving it my all in 2012.
Goals for 2012
1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.)
Let’s see what happens….
PS: 2011 has given me some things that I never thought I would have made it through. I have grown up/matured a lot (even though I think I have that eternally 16 thing like Mariah (hers is 13) I got through and I learned much about myself and I am about to embark on another journey that will definitely be riddled with enemies and obstacles, but I've got the victory and will be victorious this time next year....
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