Flip this REGRET!

Usually I am regret free. I live free, do what I do, and live with the consequences. I just don't usually do anything. I don't make bad decisions so I don't usually have regrets. When I do, do something that could leave me with regrets I recognize my mistake and move on... I don't think I will be able to move on from this....

Please don't laugh at me after reading this...

So I spent a weekend with my college bestie in Raleigh, NC. The last night I was there we went out "cause we like to party." While at the party I danced with this guy. I had noticed him notice me long before we danced and hoped he would "holla." He got his chance and we danced for a while. He kept telling me how damn beautiful I was and we chatted through our dance. I noted it was my last night. He noted I should go back to his place. I noted I was leaving in the morning. (my polite way of saying HELL NAW). In all of this I found out he was Filipino and that he liked black girls and some where in there I was kissed on the neck and then kissed a complete stranger (which I am not proud of considering all the grossnesses in the world today but I don't regret it because I never kissed a Filipino before and it was a life long dream LOL {true in so many ways}) It wasn't a french kiss or deep kiss anyway now that would have been effin gross just a peck. (and not the only peck of the weekend, cause we/I like to party) anyway we soon drifted away but still watched each other in the club and then somehow I lost sight of him. Him and his Asian brothers(it was a whole gang in there and all I could think about was America's Best Dance Crew), were no longer in sight. I kind of let it go, danced with my friend and her friends a little more than we turned to leave. I kept looking around but I didn't see the guy, ( I do know his name by the way at least what I think I heard in the club) Just before I walked out I turned back and saw a dude that had been with my dude and everything in my mind and body wanted to go to that dude and ask him where his friend was but my feet wouldn't move,(college Dani would have done, but then again college Dani was young and dumb) I just kept moving. And now I wonder. Not like you know something could come of it, per se, but this guy and I had a stupid crazy attraction. I mean from the time he looked at me and I looked at him I wanted him and I know he wanted me and even if it was sexual (which it wasn't so much that way for me more than likely it was for him) it was deep because it felt like that stuff that they show in movies. You know like that silly scene in Glitter when Mariah was in the crowd and dj dice walks over to her and like he goes in slow motion, thats what it was like.  I mean like if I had of had another day in NC, SMH I dunno what would have happened. It just seemed like a lost cause in the moment. Now he may not remember what happened that night; he could very well left the club and never thought of me again but that hasn't helped my mind. I mean I use that to make myself not think of that moment but I haven't stopped thinking of that moment since I came home. As a matter of fact it is the premise to my next story. I mean I am a big believer in Faith and God so then everything took place for a reason right. I mean maybe the reason is just to have the story idea and it is about to be the best story every and sell a million copies. Or maybe there will be a reuniting (wishful thinking) or maybe I am to simply look at this and recognize my mistake so that I don't let it happen again. If that is so I wish that I could move on like I have in other situations. I can see his face clearly and I feel like there is unfinished business. My friend basically felt like it wasn't that serious and the fact that I was out of town made it even better. You know what happens in, name of town, stays in, name of town. I guess. That would work for any other person but I am not the average.... well I already have the story plotted out for the most part so it will be hard to forget as I write something that will be my wishful imagination at its best and its very very fictional. I don't usually write stories that I feel are like completely irrational but this is an irrational situation so...my regret can become a success...that is if I can write and do the story justice. The moment was such an outer body experience that I don't know if I can write it because I am not sure if this Dani was even their when it happened. Maybe that is because when I relive it I am seeing it instead of being it anyway...if there was mistake made it was not having enough time to probably pimp while out of town.

And I wasn't drunk during any of this...most people know my drinking style is slim to none....   

My Enemy...ME!!!!

“Satan may try and bombard you with negative thoughts, and if he does, realize that those thoughts aren’t you thoughts.” Jesse Duplantis Voice of the Covenant July 2008

I found out that someone talked about me behind my back and I didn’t give it a second thought. I knew that what they said about was wrong and untrue. This betrayal did not cause me to lose sleep or become depressed at all. As a matter of fact rarely am I bothered by what others think of me…its what I think of me that can get me down.

I can be my OWN worst enemy. 2011 has been a big year for me. I have been prosperous…from going for my masters to now getting a position with the capital school district as a full time para…2011 has been my year. All A’s one B, and more money. I just told a college buddy that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Happy not content, HAPPY…. But sometimes it only takes a slight ignorant thought to come to mind to ruin your peace of mind.

It started last night I bought a really nice dress a few weeks ago with the intention to wear it to church only to conclude it’s a little too short. For me it was too short. I said (and the next morning my mom said) that it would be great for a date; you know if a young man asked me to dinner. NOW of course I was like yeah right “who, when, where?”  That was disheartening, than I tried another dress and just felt like it over powered my small frame. SO then I was sad because my size and body type is so odd, I have hips and a butt like a black girl, my boobs haven’t been right since 2007. I need an XS/2 in Misses sizes, but how oftern do you see that? So I struggle but I wouldn’t want to be any bigger of course who would??? That will happen as time moves on…so I was in tears because I felt ugly, and because I feel like I don’t dress for my age. I gave up and went to bed. Well as soon as I tried to close my eyes I could only see one face. As soon as I saw this face I thought of how dumb I could be to love this face. This mad me angry at myself for having a heart to love, love can make you so dumb and although I have heard you do have a choice in who you love I am feeling like sometimes I didn’t choice this at all but I guess I did. And maybe LOVE is too strong of a word, regardless the point is I was PISSED at myself and decide to drown myself in the most depressing music I could fine on my phone. Until I fell asleep. The bad feelings I had of myself went into the morning and I found myself lying across the couch saying: “I’m ugly and gross.” This continued to church and it is so crazy that the first person to say anything was talking about this exact thing. Which lifted my spirits a bit. Church always lifts my spirit. The message that the Pastor had was that we were about to move into some of our BEST days. Now I already knew this of my near future but the reminder helped me out of my self loathing. I think that God saw my struggle last night because after church I came home and I have this magazines from Jesse Duplantis and they have been in the floor near my things and I have been meaning to read them so I look at the first article and that is where I found the quote above and:

“So if your mind re-plays negative thoughts about yourself over, and over, recognize that those aren’t your thoughts. That’s a tactic of the devil to get you to speak doubt and give up on your destiny.”Jesse Duplantis

If I stayed in a funk that is exactly what would happen next I would give up on myself.

And that seems so silly I mean. My ego is well fed on a daily basis. I mean an old man complemented me on my eyebrows, and friend told me my Wesley babies are asking for me. I am redeeming myself from my average grades at Howard with my awesome grades at Wilmington University and the teacher I am working with as well as others are impressed by how hard working I am…so I have no reason to really hate myself, except for my heart that tends to hold on to things for longer than necessary. That I do hate myself for but what I need to do about this my heart maybe speak to my hearts future.

When it comes to matters of the heart I tend to just say oh it will happen when it happens. I just don’t want to be some girl who prays for a man that’s not me and I DEF will NOT be praying for a SPECIFIC person to be my man. It’s funny because of ALL things I really felt that I gave matters of love to God but every now and then that bug hits me as I notice young guys who are married, engaged, or booed up. I think what the deuce is wrong with me that no one of equals would like to date me. When I say no one I mean no one black, white, latino, Chinese, (well that Filipino wanted to take me home but that’s not date. LOL!!!) I think that I can only see the surface and that is why this of all things I know I have given God, because I can’t see it all. God has shown me a lot of my future and it is good, but my love life is still vague to me. I won’t see this coming and this is clearly how God wants it. I trust it.

Overall my point is that I MUST remember the way that Satan will try to attack me and I have to speak the word of God over him to make him flee….I am just glad that God is with me and put all the things in my path today so that I would get out of my funk. The magazine that I picked up today I thought was the one that came in the mail recently and that is why I had plans to read it. When I was taking notes I took a look at the date and saw that it was from 2008. I can only THANK GOD for pulling me out before I fell into that mess….but that is what Psalm 91 is for….

Goals achieved for 2011

1.) Enrolled in a Master of Spec. ED. progam

2.) Position Acquired as Summer School Para Professional!

3.) PRAXIS I... MASTERED and PASSED!

4.) Full-Time Paraprofessional!!!!

5.) 

One more left.... :-)