I didn’t watch the VMAs but got word on the street from Facebook and immediately noticed the Beyonce preggo statuses and you know what happened to me that shocked even me…
…I got sick to my stomach. Literally and was on the verge of vomiting. Being that I had eaten tuna fish I really didn’t want to bring that up so I took my dog for a walk and got some air. Of course walking my dog is when I become aware of myself and the answers to my universe. I came to the realization that I was jealous. Jealous…of a celebrity. It seemed idiotic and of ALL things. After I came in for the walk I took time to put my outfit together for work and let that feeling subside. The next morning my mom was telling me that The Today Show was going to be talking about Beyonce’s MTV announcement and I saw the clip and felt ok. Then while at lunch I youtubed the video of the performance was happy for her.
I was really disappointed in my moment of jealousy and in my walk in so many ways confessed my sin, but this type of jealousy has been in my heart before. It’s not my biological clock and it's not a need to be motherly. When I was sick back in 2007 dealing with crohn’s I was really scared that I was going to have to be on meds my whole life and these meds caused miscarriages I would never be able to have a baby. I am no longer on these meds and haven’t been since like 2007, but that stays in my mind and heart. I just don’t take the whole carrying a baby thing for granted. It is something that I know that I am not ready for financially and I have been really focused on making sure I am on the right path for my own life/career, not to mention the fact that I am not married and that is what I want for my life before becoming preggo.
Since that moment I have been feeling pretty happy for Beyonce and when I hear Love on Top I get a little misty eyed because that song will forever be tied to her announcement. At least Bey Bey did it the old fashioned traditional way…she courted, she made her own fortune, she married, continued to be a ride or die chick for her boo, and then got preggo. I think that I am going down that road, just not dating…oh well…I mean men don’t like to ask women on dates they like to ask women to come over and “chill,” which is unacceptable, but that is another blog for another day….
PS: She'll be 30 September 4th....I only wish I could be married and Preggo before 30 but the way it's looking...hmph....I can only hope that if I look 18 now and I am almost 30 than maybe my body is 18 on the inside...NOT!
