What My Friend Danielle Taught Me Sophmore Year...

First...yes in college my best friend's name was Danielle. Yes my name is Danielle. Yes we had lots of Double D/twins nicknames.

Now that we understand that I am not talking about being bestfriends with myself (which is a totally different blog in itself) I was just feeling despair. In my last blog I noted somethings that I wanted to do before I turned 30. The number one thing was to go to an anime convention or a power ranger convention. (Hey we all have interesting tidbits in our closets.) So I was looking into a couple on the east coast, one at Baltimore and one in Florida. I looked up prices and hotels and it seems like I either can't afford to go or really its a lack in courage. I don't have a travel partner; that is going on a trip no-no number 1. (Power Rangers should have taught me that, i.e putty attacks on lone ranger in the park more importantly real life should have taught me that i.e. Natalie Hollaway) I also don't have a clue about the Baltimore Surroundings or Olando Surroundings either. If I were to go to Florida it would be my first time on an airplane, which would also take care of another before I am 30 goal.  But as I said before I started to look at prices and directions and hotels, and guests or lack thereof and transportation...etc and I fell into the pit of despair finding that not only has my courage to go fallen, but my positive optimism has also fallen. That's when I thought of a valuable lesson Danielle taught me.
I like to think of it as: Where there's a will there's a way, subtitled: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.
Freshmen year at HU, I expressed my fanaticism for Marques Houston, IMX, and B2K. Danielle has some fanaticism for Omarion, the following year led to her plan: Operation get us to the Baltimore Show. She planned it out all the way, First we would take the metro to the last stop on greenline of the Greenbelt direction which was, Greenbelt, then we would take the BWI bus to BWI, then we would take the MARC train to the Mariner Arena, see the concert, then walk a short distance to Baltimore Greyhound to be dropped off at DC greyhound in which we took a cab back to HU. Me being who I am thought well sounds good to me lets go...go we did, we made it there and back together. It left me feeling like traveling could be easy. Going to a place finding the transportation system and going wherever was possible.
I was proud of Danielle for that day, that experience, she made it happen. My personality doesn't always call for such attitude of "By any means necessary," if it did I certainly would not be sitting her in the bedroom I grew up in writing a blog about going to a convention because I would be the convention. Another secret in my closet is I have always had an interest in voice over work (and acting), but it is not a career highly promoted and being that the introvert of me is pratical, I never think of such. The person that I want to be gets lost in the person who is the introvert, by the way introvert's name is fear. Fear is always a handicap.... Dover, the close knit bubble of a city hasn't helped and my extroverted self displays herself in small pieces that I keep hidden in my the closed space of my bedroom. Even the very thing that I really do love and want to share with the world, what I am doing right now, my words, my writing, my stories, I hold close rarely sharing, only with those who I think I trust in the moment, have the privledge of reading my material. Fear is crippling, fear of failure, fear of mistakes, fear of people who will hurt, fear of actual success....Locked in my own personal jail...I have the key to get out but comfort and fear of the unknown keep me from walking out....

If only I could go back to Fall 2003, and get a little bit of the spirit that led Danielle to finding a way to get us to the show...maybe I would get futher than an Anime Convention, further than the Morphincon, further than flying on an airplane for the first time...maybe I could get to published author, acclaimed voice over actress, and be a teacher (lots of nerves as I near completion of Master's program)

 When will I start living? Or should I accept myself as I have been? We all can't be the beyonce's or in my case the Jason David Frank's (ranger)  or the Johnny Yong Bosch's (ranger/voice over), we all can't be the J.K Rowling's (harry potter fame) or Hellen Keller's Teacher's (special education teacher he taught hellen keller who was blind deaf and mute how to communicate) of the world. Some of us have to be peasants who watch in awe of those who do by any mean's necessary...right?

End of Twenties bucket list...

So if you're my facebook friend then you might have  noticed I have been on a Mighty Morphin Adventure. Some people get it others not so much and that's ok. I am who I am and I can't be anyone that I am not...(always writing poetry).  One thing that I always wanted to do was go to a Morphicon, which is essentially a power ranger convention, geek much? On a recent trip to the bathroom A.K.A the thinking room, I started thinking about this wish and other things I want to do. Bucket list, but I don't plan on dying anytime soon, BUT I will be 30 SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON, so how about an End of Twenty something bucket list. Unfortunately I have what's left of this year and next year to try to complete everything now I better think of things to do....

1.) MMPR/Anime Convention-
I HAVE to go to one....I know, I know, you liked the power rangers when you were like 12 and never looked back, you didn't even know Tommy the green/white ranger was also the red zeo/turbo ranger and came back as Dr. Tommy Oliver in 2004 to work on Power Rangers Dino Thunder as the black ranger, but I did look back and I also found out that there is a whole underworld of MMPR fans, who still adore MMPR like being 12 was just yesterday. This is something I could push away, push out of my mind and ignore, but everytime Haim Saban creates another set of rangers I would feel it I would hear it in my mind. And whenever Jason David Frank's (Tommy) powers fade for good as in death, I would be heartbroken in the fact that I never got to see him in person. (the way I felt when Dick Clark died and I never experienced a Clark New Year in NY)

2.) Singing for real, in front of real people-
Someone: "Do you sing?"
Me: "uh, i try."
My brain: "Yes, sing sing sing."
My stage fright: "don't you might mess up."

The inner struggles of myself. You know it only takes one tramatic experience to ruin all future endeavours. One moment when you didn't know the lyrics to the song Weak, by SWV and was once again dubbed as a non-african american...smh. I am not going to sit here and be like oh yeah I can sing, but I think I have an ok voice. Ok enough that I would sing in front of an audience, why do I continue to say I would do it but I haven't...scaredy cat...duh....as a matter of fact what I would LOVE to do is go to an open mic night, with my flute, play something and sing. I am definitely bad at the flute, but i could practice and sound decent enough. Although my fear of playing that thing in front of people is worst than that of singing in front of people.

3.) Tatted
This one is a hard one to pull off, because I don't know if I want to be so permanant. Eventually chicas without tats will be hard to come by, I would be one of those chicas, yet I feel like a tat is one of those coming to age things that we all must go through. I may be wrong. All I know is I have wanted a tat for at least 4 years now and there is no real reason why I should not get one.

4.) Fly in an airplane-
Yes I am being so sincere when I say I have never been in an airplane...wait I take that back I have been in the back of a C5 on DAFB during an air show or something, but I have never been an in airplane as it is in the sky. Of course if I accomplish number one then I would accomplish #4 as well.

5.) Get professional pictures of myself-
I am not talking about a passport photo...I have always wanted to have pics taken of me either on the beach or against a brick wall somewhere, something where I am looking fierce, something where the lighting is right and the the outfit is right and the hair is right and someone other than myself is taking the picture.

Yeah this list is weak so maybe:

6.) YOLO...lol haha, meaning you only live once so I should live, I should do things. The sad thing is this is the reason I started this blog and I have not YOLOed outside of the freaking mall....smh. YOLOing in the mall is when you buy something over budget and your excuse is YOLO. Other ideas:

               *audition for a play
               *bungee jump
               * move out on my own
Anything else???

SMH at the highlight of this list being to meet MMPR.... I told you This is not sex in the city.....

Meatless week...

So it’s been about a week of being meat free and soda free...

And I am fine…the experience I had a child with the no meat eating thing has helped. I happen to love fish and that is allowed. I did have to make and executive decision to eat turkey, because I was cutting the birds out too, but if I am in a crisis turkey is alright to eat…chicken well I don’t like chick like that….

Some questions have come up, let us remember I love tacos…I mean I FREAKING LOVE TACOS…. My most favorite memories involve tacos…so what do I do about this? Well I found fake ground beef in the fake frozen meat isle…. So I will purchasing some of that soon so I can fill my taco fix…and if that turns out to suck I will have to have chicken in a can…yeah I know I hate chicken but when it comes from a can it’s not so bad, I use to do that too….ah Taco Night the best night….

Other problems that will occur in the future:

Cooking for the fam, I will have to cook separate meals now. They like meat, the worst part is that I like it too but for flavoring like take spaghetti, I have never liked sausage but the flavor in spaghetti and other things is great. So I guess I have to eat around…speaking of sausage what about my beloved Scrapple? As I like to say **** the bulls***… Imma eat scrapple every now and then…it’s not meat anyway its hair and toenails LMAO!!!!

Luckily and Honestly

Soda hasn’t been a problem either, I had stopped drinking root beer for lent anyway so that’s out of my mind, but I do have to literally tell myself do not buy soda when I go to a store for a drink. I was so use to buying a soda, and soda companies makes it hard too because soda is everywhere and there aren’t many options for others. I mean its like: “We serve all coke products, unsweetened tea and we have a special on Absolut vodka.” Like what?? YOU BEST BELIEVE I refuse to drink water from the faucets of Delaware…(my bathroom faucet yes don’t ask I just like it) so the drinks will be tricky and costly, especially since I love slurpees and they are just frozen sodas and lime-aide which are also sodas…smh….

Winning

So this week no meat no soda and I feel great! It’s probably the subtraction of soda that is helping the most….

As for the Gym…I plan on joining but homework has been more important….I have one more week to get through with class and then I can get into the gym, I will only have one class coming up so I will have time to actually go to the gym.

Is this life...the road to healthier living...

I just bought a Gatorade.  A GATORADE!  Seriously, Gatorade is one of those things that I can’t do….its right before water. But I am trying to do better. I am going to revitalize my whole food life. Well almost cause damn if imma give up cakes, anyway I have decided that I will (drum roll please) stop drinking soda!!! OMG SAY WHAT:

 Yeah they are no good, well actually ROOT BEER is great, but it is no good to my body so I am going to let them go. Not like entirely but for the most part wherever  I can substitute one for juice I will. Which is why I ended up with a Grape Gatorade, there were sodas and Snapple and knowing tea could cause a tremendous riot in my stomach I opted for Gatorade thinking it will give me energy or something …it would be almost as good as water for my body.

WAIT not finished on the changes:

I think I am going back to the vegetarian lifestyle. As a kid I never ate meat. I didn’t start getting into meat until I was in college (That’s what she said) But as a kid I had some strange food policies, which was no meat, wiping tomato sauce off pizza and skinning hotdogs.  I think I am going to stop eating red meat, slow my chicken intake which is limited anyway, and my pig intake and replace with fish fish fish. I may even switch my bread to gluten free bread or at least honey wheat.

Still more…

I think im going to join a gym…now this is the one thing that might get shut down. I don’t like the exercise thing, I do like lifting or weight training I did that once and was pleased with the results. Joining a gym would mean I am being serious(er) about this.  

Why?

I have a large stomach for a girl my age without kids. At times  can look preggers and I don’t think it is just fat, I think the foods especially soda and breads leave my stomach distended I feel like 48 instead of 28 sometimes.  I am 112 lbs (estimate) so why do I feel like there is fat around my heart? Why do I feel like there is fat surrounding my lungs? Because I am an obese person living in a skinny person’s body.  The obese person is winning.

This is a good Idea

I wanna feel good, make sure I have a healthy body for the future, and need a flat tummy and a toned body.  Sounds like I will have to spend time on a treadmill for the cardio to get my pulse rate up and my heart and lungs stronger.  I have to do something because I don’t want to be 48 one day, on oxygen. 

Why women suck at sex Old Lady edition

So I just did a post “Why women suck at sex”  and then I realized I am old, my doubts are totally different.

1.)    Will care that the milks’ gone bad?

So forget the size of the boobies, how about the fact that them jawns have decided to sag a little?

2.)    I didn’t wax, nair, shave and I don’t mean legs, will he care?

When you get old you just don’t give a…..

3.)    Um love handles, is that a deal breaker?

Fat, metabolism is a little slow, got a gut, you got a problem?

4.)    Wrinkles.

I worry about wrinkles, they say black don’t crack but he I am light skinned and I afraid I will be looking like the cript keeper soon.

5.)    I just don’t feel like it!

When this happens…IDK!!!

Of course as an older woman you just don’t give a bleep! It is what it is…

What you'll be dealing with anyway....

Why women suck at sex….

This is not an average blog for me, considering my dad reads at times, as does other family members. Sometimes you have to be 28-yrs-old. I’ll go back to being 13 in just a moment. Honestly I am not sure what put this in my mind as I was walking to the corner store. Maybe it was because of all of my daily insecurities that I simply play off. Playing them off doesn’t help that much while getting your groove on though and can play a role in your mentality which can play a role in the physical, which can “rueen” libido. You know what they say it’s not what’s between your legs it’s what’s between your ears.   Insecurities that can occur during that intimate moment are as follows:

1.)    Can he tell one boob is bigger than the other?

Seriously can you? There are so many females that deal with this problem on a regular.  Unless we are talking about one A-cup and one C-cup, I think you can stop thinking about this…he’s not noticing this…and once you get this off you mind your hormones can start their engines and maybe when blood starts to flow your boobies will become engorges and ending your problem in the moment.  (If your boobs are drastically different seek advice from your Doc)

2.)    Am I sexy enough?

If he doesn’t think this now then why are about to do the do with this dude? If you are questioning yourself about being sexy at that moment, you probably shouldn’t be having sex, especially if you are under 25 and virginal (the frontal lobe of the brain isn’t completely developed until 25 {which is way I can even write this right now}). If you are a part of the over 25 none virginal crowd, then we need to re-assess the value ourselves!!! (If you are a virgin God Bless you).  First of all, no one and by no one I mean the dude, is not thinking about being sexy. Sex is not sexy. (It’s downright gross when you think of it biologically).  Cut this out of your thinking , as a matter of fact you have to start thinking about how DAMN sexy you are and how Romeo Santos (please see video) , Channing Tatum, or whoever is your cup of tea are damn sexy….LOLZ

3.)    Do I smell ok, i.e. down there?

Hey, I’m just saying….hopefully if you showered and you’ve got that, love spell, pure seduction, or strawberry champagne going then you should be good otherwise you need to see a doctor. For just in case situations carry summer’s eve cleansing cloths, they are packaged individually. To make it sexy why not put out the “hey let’s take a shower together” thing…it will work, because he probably stinks too (men have peculiar odors). He’s not going to say anything anyway until he gets with his boys, [I’ve heard the stories from the fellas] (unless he’s your husband and gives a damn he might want to make sure you are ok since he lives with you and that....).

4.)     OMG I can’t believe I am doing this or why am I doing this?

If you are thinking this stop immediately, because you bursting in tears before or after is only going to freak him and cause for more anxiety. Work things out with yourself before partaking of sexual activity. BTW you don’t have to be a virgin to have such feelings….

5.)    Does he like this?

Yes. Shut up!  Sounds like you and your boo need some dialogue. Yeah I know they can be such d**ks but it is what it is.  

Overall, I hope that the relationship that us women put ourselves though is worth all of the anxieties, if not let that be a learning experience and move on. Get right with yourself meaning fall in love with yourself (not with a vibrator that’s not the same thing) Know who you are and love that person. You have to be able to do this before you can move on to a relationship involving another person and especially before you can make it sexual. It’s difficult because a women can come up with a reason for why they are not up to par in a minute, but you have to let that “I’m so ugly, sh*t” go. Even if that hottie at the Sunglass, kiosk in the mall took a double take at you and the reaction was almost as if he wanted to say “never mind” and rueened your shopping experience for the night because you thought you was looking alright!” Oh wait I’m back. Overall let’s love us before we love them, because once you love them…SMH….

I'm so I'm so I'm so Proud of You....

Drake's lyrics fit as a title but this song started the thoughts that created this post...

Prince Royce, Chris Brown, Bruno Mars, Romeo Santos, The-Dream,  Robin Thicke and even Usher (and every now and then Drake turns me on, call a guilty pleasure)  have all been helping to fill the void of being relationshipless.

So glad that's figuratively. (LOLZ)

What makes me even bring this up...well I have had some extra time to walk the dog (my bro has been doing it all winter and it caught up with me) meaning extra time with the music on my phone which includes the crooners mentioned above. “Our First Time” by Bruno Mars shuffled its way to my ear and sent me back to ghosts of boyfriends past. Just the good times on my mind, who wants to remember the bad, I actually try to block out the bad if any at all. I guess the bad is only the naivety of myself, thinking in terms of together forever, when in my logical sub conscious I knew it would be more like 6 months if that...(except that one in college I'm not sure what to say about that).

I have now been single for what like 1 year and 6 months-2years (technically LOLZ, I can also pretend like the summer of 2010 never happened but then I really wouldn't have anything to reminisce about now would I HA!) I am not sure if my single-ness is self -imposed or divinity at its best. I am almost blind to the opposite sex (No that does not mean I can see the same sex) My life has been work all day, class every other night, and the weekends; well more work and homework to boot. Off course every other Saturday I've been hitting up a Latino night at a local saloon.  One of the "ghosts” told me in order to meet people I should go to the bar, where I would supposedly meet people. He didn’t specify that I should meet people who speak English. (LMAO!)

Overall all work and no play makes Dani a dull chica. I have so much on my brain a boyfriend wouldn’t fit. You know when I analyze my past “mistakes” one was that I happened to focus a lot of time and attention to my male counterpart.  What do I have to show for it now? Let’s See: Kanye West’s “Late Registration” emblazon in my mind forwards and backwards, a lovely pink dress, a movie favorite “Demolition Man”, a recipe for Ro*tel, an appreciation for cooking, bats, and aroma warming oils, salt n pepper shakers, reggaeton, Boricua Pride (wait what?) cranberry and peach schnapps.  Could be worst though like a few Jr.’s. I mean Brandolynn is not the best name for a girl. (LOLZ).

 I think I said something like this before but I could go for a little love in life,  I mean I think I just want those first 3 months of awesome “If this isn’t love, then what it is” feelings. After that you can have it. I can be over it. I mean I really can’t believe this. No love in high school- sure no one had any idea of my full potential; college single- sure I was never one to put myself out there like that to be seen and noticed for attention I mean I have but not to that extent, but N.O. L.O.V.E. for me now?

I guess, well I tell you what I have to look forward to….Prince Royce’s new album in April (Pre-ordered) Chris Brown’s new album (about to pre-order) out in May ( I like his bad boy ignorant “bully” image too much), The Dream’s new album and in the mean- time Romeo Santos, es muy sexy, hablo espanol para tu papi.

Overall, I will let the sweet words written by some of the best artist to help me be in love all by myself. I never really needed a counterpart anyway. I have been alone even when I was surrounded by many because I play my own tune. I have never been on the same path as others anyway.  I spent 8 years without a little brother and then we were so far apart in age and in personality I was still an only child.   But if I ever met one of the mention singers then I would drop everything LOLZ!!!!

PS: Probably really not ready for any of the such… I put so much effort in everything else it’s hard to imagine a relationship and that is the truth.

PSS: waiting to see if I accomplished the next goal.      

Stronger....

Dani D Timeline:
1984: Born and transported to Andrews Hospital because:

"Sometimes however a baby will pass his first meconium while still in the womb, before the mother-to-be’s water breaks. If this happens the amniotic fluid will be tinted green. In many cases of hospital births where the baby has passed meconium before birth, a special NICU team will be called when the baby is delivered in case there was ingestion of the meconium into the baby’s lungs."

1996-2002: many years of not understanding myself, and unable to fit in because I didn't see the world as my peers did or should I say my peers didn't see the world as I did...

2006: graduated from HU (real) unable to find a job/landing a part-time for 5years. (still holding the position though)

2007-2008: Hospital Sick, Diagnosis, Emergency Surgery (or die), reveresal surgery

2011-2012: found myself among people with negative energy

And out of all of that the last thing is one of the HARDEST things I have dealt with because I am not a fan of negative energy as a matter of fact I am allergic to it. I struggle to get through my weeks sometimes but I am doing it and I am proud of myself. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and my strength has been building since I was born. I am supposed to be here doing what I am doing right now. Getting my goals crossed off one by one, in order, on/in time...patience has become my best friend.
And the flip side of the above is...

1984: Born (I AM HERE)

1985-1995: Lived a wonder life of a child (Who can forget the summers in base housing???)

1996-2002: Privileged, spoiled, Band Geek, Black American Princess, Debutante, Howard bound, Teachers Pet, Honors/AP (being smart is cute TRUST!)

2003-2006: Howard Life (who can forget nights on the Yard!) Learned alot about myself and started falling in love with who I was becoming

2007-2010: Hey I'm Alright! I think I love me and no one will ever make me rethink or re-evaluate myself again. I will be doing me from now on and I don't care who doesn't like it.  I think teaching will be an ok profession...went back for Master ED. (Found Prince Royce and Bachata hey it makes me happy)

2011: PRAXIS I (completed and PASSED), Summer school position, Fall full-time position

2012: PRAXIS II Elem Edu COMPLETED AND PASSED!

Now my point of all this is not to brag or boast, my message is that even if you go through some awful stuff in life you can get through it and grow and become stronger than before, which will make you unstoppable and totally resistant to BULL SHYTZER! By resistant I mean you will be able to determine that it is BULLS*** and you will be able to make the very important decision to walk away from it making you resistant....(for the most part LOL) I am coming into myself and more than likely will be there by the time I am 30. The overall point is that I am happy and as much as others would like to see me fail...that will never happen because I know who is on my side ^ (My Father who art in heaven YA HEARD!) I am going to celebrate for my accomplishments!

Goals Accomplished for 2012:
1.) PRAXIS elem. edu PASSED
2.)
3.)
ETC... more on the way

Next I will be taking on the SPEC ED PRAXIS! (SO CLOSE)

Tables turn...

So as I'm driving home the song Addicted by mi favorito Prince Royce starts and I get to thinking about my current love life or lack thereof. The song rouses something because of the lyrics starting with: sleeping in /Sunday morning /body's intertwined p/playing fake/ we're awake /but we don't want to rise.... I remember the feeling. And maybe that's missing but don't know. I've been working hard almost non-stop. I'm actually getting nervous because i'll be done fairly soon and although that means more responsibility as a teacher I will have just that. Teaching. But as I accomplish my goals and get closer to the future ahead of me I've harden my heart in my time of being single I've made myself indifferent to my feelings. Like I can't imagine being in love let alone going on a date. I've taken myself to my comfort level of having another celebrity crush that helps me get over being lonely as well as using my dog to fill the void of companionship. I'm numb. I've never been this completely numb but then I guess I'm not completely numb because I'm writing this. Part of me is still mourning El amor que perdimos. The love we lost and really love had NOTHING to do with it. I think the truth is I'm scared of love. It has hurt for the most part and I don't trust it because they love you one moment and have moved on the next. Tu eres Linda is just the same a you are sexy as far as I'm concerned and can be said just as easily. Unnecessary tears drop and I quickly wipe them away to quickly forget...to forget the statistics of black relationships...to forget racism/discrimination that keeps us broken even if the world is turning cream. To forget you and I were ever one to forget that there is such an emotion to
forget the humanistic need for it...but its been mean to me and my beliefs that may be slightly naive but are my beliefs regardless and have kept me going to this point. I'm not doing enough t ignore it or maybe I haven't been ignoring it at all which is why I'm here now. Maybe a year and a half Of lovelessness has been enough. I'm not ready to get back in there only because I wont have the time to be theirs but isn't that the very excuse I hate to hear from a dude isn't that the last excuse that I heard so where do I get off. Maybe I'm just as afraid of what the commitment means as he/they are and I don't know. Not sure I've spent a lot of time fighting to get away from whatever love is that I've closed myself and some of that is OK and some of it is grossly wrong but i'll see in due time.right now I'm sort of blind to it and until my eyes are and heart are opened I guess I should continue to deal with my indifference.

Hello 2012 I'm ready, I been ready!!!

As I watch the movie 2012 we are now about 22 hours (and counting considering this will be posted way after the mentioned) into the year 2012. There is a lot of speculation about this year and the end and as I watch I just don’t think I would be one of those people who would fight to stay alive (spoiler alert for those who have not seen the film) I think I would stay in my home like the president did in the film and chill. In the meantime I don’t believe in such an ending anyway, when the Lord is ready he’ll do his thing in the meantime I know that He has some promises for me. 2012 is a new beginning but not new. Not new start, not new me, not new life, just new things. I have never been more excited about a new year and my life. Usually I have tears in my eyes scared to death of the future and even now I am a little scared because change is always scary but I have so much faith that there will be prosperity. 2011 was the year of many accomplishments. I enrolled in Grad school, passed the PRAXIS I in one try, fell in love with students/teaching and applied/and was hired as a para for the summer and this school year. 2012 takes me in to the second half as a full time para…I have some big time plans for this summer and next fall. I have a few more PRAXIS II tests to take which is another thing I am excited about hoping for another first time's the charm. (currently studying). Of course those are career goals. I do have some romantic goals….

I caught myself saying some mess like 2012 I’ll be meeting my husband. Now I’m not knocking that thought, it is good to speak some things in to existence, but that is not how I roll. It is average girl talk but not MY philosophy. I can’t say a date on or a year, but I do believe that my love life will spark up sometime soon. I mean I have been really blocking that out. Oh yeah I flirt, I chat, I think about that type of thing a lot, but most of the time deep down I know that it’s not time. I am not ready, he is not ready (whoever he is)….so I let it go…honestly I’ve had no other choice…yeah 2011 was the driest I mean it was like prohibition up in here. No love…N-O, L-O-V-E for me….Nada! Ok so there was the flirtations in North Carolina, but come on…. I am starting to get myself ready to open up. I mean I think that I was blinded for a while anyway as I pursue my degree. I tend to get a little preoccupied with the other in the relationship, which leads to losing site of important stuff. Overall love may not happen in 2012, but I will definitely be a little closer….

Ok now enough with the career and love predictions lets talk money…. I need to learn how to manage/budget, I may need to get one of those bill calendar things because I spend money like its water (sometimes) and I don’t have that many bills. I have got to start doing something to start as savings because number one I am going to be taking a trip, I don’t know if I will be able to do it 2012 or if I have to wait for 2013, but there is a friend and a place I want to visit. I have some other financial ideas for this year but I need to sit down and work them out. I am addicted to shopping and I am clearly trying to bury my self in clothes and shoes. All work and no play makes dani need a few outfits. And if its not the clothes, shoes, purses, jeans, dresses its anything for our house, food, oil, electric…some essentials that are important anyway…and somethings that aren’t essentials like chocolate and dvds.

I managed to accomplish all my goals in 2011 except one and I actually held myself back with it in fear of rejection, which was dumb because everything I accomplished I did because God gave me the ok…really I gave him the OK…meaning I finally let go and let God, but I couldn’t seem to see the last one through and that was wrong…. I feel that I need to get on with it…when it is accomplished many will know, but I can only give so much away. I have been trying to make it a habit that I keep such things to myself, that is until it is accomplished of course. This year I made the list longer that five goals I made it ten. I don’t know if I will accomplish them all but I will be giving it my all in 2012.

Goals for 2012
1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.)

Let’s see what happens….

PS: 2011 has given me some things that I never thought I would have made it through. I have grown up/matured a lot (even though I think I have that eternally 16 thing like Mariah (hers is 13) I got through and I learned much about myself and I am about to embark on another journey that will definitely be riddled with enemies and obstacles, but I've got the victory and will be victorious this time next year....

can't

Somtimes you don't know
You have potential
Until someone tells you
Then you either
take a step out
Or push that person away
Ignoring the encouragement
because fear paralyzes you
Disabling you from making moves
Such a shame
You can't see the
Good in you
They are only better than you
Because you won't
Be you....

Unfinished...Untitled...take as is...

I feel so wack
So lonely at times
I start to want to cry
and I just don't know why
I tell myself "get over it,
move on from that shit"
Sometimes I get lonely
Sometimes I get scared
Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it here
The only time I'm happy
Is when I see those smiling faces
get off the buses in the morning
so glad to be in school
Or when I'm behind the desk
helping those silly college fools
Or I'm in the mall
Shopping til I drop
Spending money fills my closets
but I'm still without
And I hate to be that girl
who needs a boyfriend
But I was thinking marriage
and a set of twins
But I will be patient
I may not be ready for that
Plus I am more poetic
when my heart is under attack....

It's the most wonderful time of the year.....

So I am watching TV and I see some commercials that are of people dating or on dates and I was like I am going to be single again…

…again as if for the past 4 years I have actually been single, maybe not but its felt like it, probably because the relationships I was in weren’t the ones I should have been in and therefore failures, such as…

…the relationship that was over by October anyway and never really official ANYWAY or…

…the one that was official, even though he really wanted to break up with me in November, but decided February over Yahoo! Messenger was better or…

…the one who was torn between me and another chica and only went with me because her heart was not over her EX again over before it could begin with the wonderful world of Orders over Seas from Uncle Sam or…

the one who, wasn’t there do to certain circumstances that I can’t complain about, but overall it wasn’t the “ideal” situation to be it no matter how great the gifts were that helped to make up for other bullshyte situations…

For so ODD reason the Fall/Winter season is NOT my time for romance and I don’t get it, because the saying has always been “You get bunned up in the winter (to keep warm) and drop it cause it’s hot in the summer.” You don’t bring sand to the beach. But I have been sand FOR SURE.

As much as I say that I am ok with being single is as much as that on the inside I am saying the complete opposite the difference allow though I see this as something I want I don’t have an urgency for it. When would we have time to do anything ESPECIALLY if he has a job and his hours are anywhere between 3pm- 8:00am because we would be together exactly never…with my hours being 8:00am-3:30pm and class on certain nights oh and those hours at the Library. (Life!!! Life!!! Where art thou? LOL!) But that is who likes me…no matter the position…from Wal-Mart associate, Human Resource Shift Manager, or the damn Po po…. But that is beside the point….I have a plan…and it means that I have to step out a little.

#1.) Read the Dover Post for local events.

            Why is this hard? Because when the Dover Post comes on Wednesday it stays in the driveway until the next Wednesday. FOR SHAME!!! Yeah I know but I haven’t been all that impressed with them since they ignored my resume. Anyway Local Events are a great way for me to get out and do the things I like to do oppose to the other stuff offered, such as a free or cheap ticket price for a museum thing, or something like the Wine thing they had at Dover Downs.

#2.) Look on other event calendars for other Galas.

Wilmington University had a ball of some sort. Now I didn’t attend because sometimes I feel like an old woman trying to play with the teens. But other campus (ESPECIALLY DOVER campus) stuff I should try to go to.

#3.) Pick, Choose, Plan.

            I need to check out such events and plan for them. I have sooooooooo many nice dresses and outfits, for ANY occasion.

#4.) Go!

            I hold myself back from such things. I always have an excuse not to go…EVEN if I ALREADY BOUGHT THE TICKET HELLO! Cold weather will be my biggest excuse, driving second biggest, but overall problem will be pure lazy I don’t feel like doing a damn thing.

#5.) I need to just go wherever anyway!
            I mean why not just go to BBW like what’s good and sit at the bar like what? Or any other bar for that matter? I mean why not?  Someone told me to do this like a year ago, but you know people don’t like to listen plus it wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the time.

Okay so all of this sounds pathetic, but I don’t want to be in a relationship so much as I just want a little out about time, meeting and greeting people I don’t know. Sounds dumb but its more about getting my face out there than anything else, how else will any one know the chick that drives that Green Ru and dresses like a Rock Star ok a low budget Beyonce/Mariah Carey and sometimes Michael Jackson LMAO!!!

             

Flip this REGRET!

Usually I am regret free. I live free, do what I do, and live with the consequences. I just don't usually do anything. I don't make bad decisions so I don't usually have regrets. When I do, do something that could leave me with regrets I recognize my mistake and move on... I don't think I will be able to move on from this....

Please don't laugh at me after reading this...

So I spent a weekend with my college bestie in Raleigh, NC. The last night I was there we went out "cause we like to party." While at the party I danced with this guy. I had noticed him notice me long before we danced and hoped he would "holla." He got his chance and we danced for a while. He kept telling me how damn beautiful I was and we chatted through our dance. I noted it was my last night. He noted I should go back to his place. I noted I was leaving in the morning. (my polite way of saying HELL NAW). In all of this I found out he was Filipino and that he liked black girls and some where in there I was kissed on the neck and then kissed a complete stranger (which I am not proud of considering all the grossnesses in the world today but I don't regret it because I never kissed a Filipino before and it was a life long dream LOL {true in so many ways}) It wasn't a french kiss or deep kiss anyway now that would have been effin gross just a peck. (and not the only peck of the weekend, cause we/I like to party) anyway we soon drifted away but still watched each other in the club and then somehow I lost sight of him. Him and his Asian brothers(it was a whole gang in there and all I could think about was America's Best Dance Crew), were no longer in sight. I kind of let it go, danced with my friend and her friends a little more than we turned to leave. I kept looking around but I didn't see the guy, ( I do know his name by the way at least what I think I heard in the club) Just before I walked out I turned back and saw a dude that had been with my dude and everything in my mind and body wanted to go to that dude and ask him where his friend was but my feet wouldn't move,(college Dani would have done, but then again college Dani was young and dumb) I just kept moving. And now I wonder. Not like you know something could come of it, per se, but this guy and I had a stupid crazy attraction. I mean from the time he looked at me and I looked at him I wanted him and I know he wanted me and even if it was sexual (which it wasn't so much that way for me more than likely it was for him) it was deep because it felt like that stuff that they show in movies. You know like that silly scene in Glitter when Mariah was in the crowd and dj dice walks over to her and like he goes in slow motion, thats what it was like.  I mean like if I had of had another day in NC, SMH I dunno what would have happened. It just seemed like a lost cause in the moment. Now he may not remember what happened that night; he could very well left the club and never thought of me again but that hasn't helped my mind. I mean I use that to make myself not think of that moment but I haven't stopped thinking of that moment since I came home. As a matter of fact it is the premise to my next story. I mean I am a big believer in Faith and God so then everything took place for a reason right. I mean maybe the reason is just to have the story idea and it is about to be the best story every and sell a million copies. Or maybe there will be a reuniting (wishful thinking) or maybe I am to simply look at this and recognize my mistake so that I don't let it happen again. If that is so I wish that I could move on like I have in other situations. I can see his face clearly and I feel like there is unfinished business. My friend basically felt like it wasn't that serious and the fact that I was out of town made it even better. You know what happens in, name of town, stays in, name of town. I guess. That would work for any other person but I am not the average.... well I already have the story plotted out for the most part so it will be hard to forget as I write something that will be my wishful imagination at its best and its very very fictional. I don't usually write stories that I feel are like completely irrational but this is an irrational situation so...my regret can become a success...that is if I can write and do the story justice. The moment was such an outer body experience that I don't know if I can write it because I am not sure if this Dani was even their when it happened. Maybe that is because when I relive it I am seeing it instead of being it anyway...if there was mistake made it was not having enough time to probably pimp while out of town.

And I wasn't drunk during any of this...most people know my drinking style is slim to none....   

My Enemy...ME!!!!

“Satan may try and bombard you with negative thoughts, and if he does, realize that those thoughts aren’t you thoughts.” Jesse Duplantis Voice of the Covenant July 2008

I found out that someone talked about me behind my back and I didn’t give it a second thought. I knew that what they said about was wrong and untrue. This betrayal did not cause me to lose sleep or become depressed at all. As a matter of fact rarely am I bothered by what others think of me…its what I think of me that can get me down.

I can be my OWN worst enemy. 2011 has been a big year for me. I have been prosperous…from going for my masters to now getting a position with the capital school district as a full time para…2011 has been my year. All A’s one B, and more money. I just told a college buddy that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Happy not content, HAPPY…. But sometimes it only takes a slight ignorant thought to come to mind to ruin your peace of mind.

It started last night I bought a really nice dress a few weeks ago with the intention to wear it to church only to conclude it’s a little too short. For me it was too short. I said (and the next morning my mom said) that it would be great for a date; you know if a young man asked me to dinner. NOW of course I was like yeah right “who, when, where?”  That was disheartening, than I tried another dress and just felt like it over powered my small frame. SO then I was sad because my size and body type is so odd, I have hips and a butt like a black girl, my boobs haven’t been right since 2007. I need an XS/2 in Misses sizes, but how oftern do you see that? So I struggle but I wouldn’t want to be any bigger of course who would??? That will happen as time moves on…so I was in tears because I felt ugly, and because I feel like I don’t dress for my age. I gave up and went to bed. Well as soon as I tried to close my eyes I could only see one face. As soon as I saw this face I thought of how dumb I could be to love this face. This mad me angry at myself for having a heart to love, love can make you so dumb and although I have heard you do have a choice in who you love I am feeling like sometimes I didn’t choice this at all but I guess I did. And maybe LOVE is too strong of a word, regardless the point is I was PISSED at myself and decide to drown myself in the most depressing music I could fine on my phone. Until I fell asleep. The bad feelings I had of myself went into the morning and I found myself lying across the couch saying: “I’m ugly and gross.” This continued to church and it is so crazy that the first person to say anything was talking about this exact thing. Which lifted my spirits a bit. Church always lifts my spirit. The message that the Pastor had was that we were about to move into some of our BEST days. Now I already knew this of my near future but the reminder helped me out of my self loathing. I think that God saw my struggle last night because after church I came home and I have this magazines from Jesse Duplantis and they have been in the floor near my things and I have been meaning to read them so I look at the first article and that is where I found the quote above and:

“So if your mind re-plays negative thoughts about yourself over, and over, recognize that those aren’t your thoughts. That’s a tactic of the devil to get you to speak doubt and give up on your destiny.”Jesse Duplantis

If I stayed in a funk that is exactly what would happen next I would give up on myself.

And that seems so silly I mean. My ego is well fed on a daily basis. I mean an old man complemented me on my eyebrows, and friend told me my Wesley babies are asking for me. I am redeeming myself from my average grades at Howard with my awesome grades at Wilmington University and the teacher I am working with as well as others are impressed by how hard working I am…so I have no reason to really hate myself, except for my heart that tends to hold on to things for longer than necessary. That I do hate myself for but what I need to do about this my heart maybe speak to my hearts future.

When it comes to matters of the heart I tend to just say oh it will happen when it happens. I just don’t want to be some girl who prays for a man that’s not me and I DEF will NOT be praying for a SPECIFIC person to be my man. It’s funny because of ALL things I really felt that I gave matters of love to God but every now and then that bug hits me as I notice young guys who are married, engaged, or booed up. I think what the deuce is wrong with me that no one of equals would like to date me. When I say no one I mean no one black, white, latino, Chinese, (well that Filipino wanted to take me home but that’s not date. LOL!!!) I think that I can only see the surface and that is why this of all things I know I have given God, because I can’t see it all. God has shown me a lot of my future and it is good, but my love life is still vague to me. I won’t see this coming and this is clearly how God wants it. I trust it.

Overall my point is that I MUST remember the way that Satan will try to attack me and I have to speak the word of God over him to make him flee….I am just glad that God is with me and put all the things in my path today so that I would get out of my funk. The magazine that I picked up today I thought was the one that came in the mail recently and that is why I had plans to read it. When I was taking notes I took a look at the date and saw that it was from 2008. I can only THANK GOD for pulling me out before I fell into that mess….but that is what Psalm 91 is for….

Goals achieved for 2011

1.) Enrolled in a Master of Spec. ED. progam

2.) Position Acquired as Summer School Para Professional!

3.) PRAXIS I... MASTERED and PASSED!

4.) Full-Time Paraprofessional!!!!

5.) 

One more left.... :-)

Jealousy...who ME??? NO....

I didn’t watch the VMAs but got  word on the street from Facebook and immediately noticed the Beyonce preggo statuses and you know what happened to me that shocked even me…

…I got sick to my stomach. Literally and was on the verge of vomiting. Being that I had eaten tuna fish I really didn’t want to bring that up so I took my dog for a walk and got some air. Of course walking my dog is when I become aware of myself and the answers to my universe. I came to the realization that I was jealous. Jealous…of a celebrity. It seemed idiotic and of ALL things. After I came in for the walk I took time to put my outfit together for work and let that feeling subside. The next morning my mom was telling me that The Today Show was going to be talking about Beyonce’s MTV announcement and I saw the clip and felt ok. Then while at lunch I youtubed the video of the performance was happy for her.

I was really disappointed in my moment of jealousy and in my walk in so many ways confessed my sin, but this type of jealousy has been in my heart before. It’s not my biological clock and it's not a need to be motherly. When I was sick back in 2007 dealing with crohn’s I was really scared that  I was going to have to be on meds my whole life and these meds caused miscarriages I would never be able to have a baby. I am no longer on these meds and haven’t been since like 2007, but that stays in my mind and heart.  I just don’t take the whole carrying a baby thing for granted. It is something that I know that I am not ready for financially and I have been really focused on making sure I am on the right path for my own life/career, not to mention the fact that I am not married and that is what I want for my life before becoming preggo.

Since that moment I have been feeling pretty happy for Beyonce and when I hear Love on Top I get a little misty eyed because that song will forever be tied to her announcement. At least Bey Bey did it the old fashioned traditional way…she courted, she made her own fortune, she married, continued to be a ride or die chick for her boo, and then got preggo. I think that I am going down that road, just not dating…oh well…I mean men don’t like to ask women on dates they like to ask women to come over and “chill,” which is unacceptable, but that is another blog for another day…. 

PS: She'll be 30 September 4th....I only wish I could be married and Preggo before 30 but the way it's looking...hmph....I can only hope that if I look 18 now and I am almost 30 than maybe my body is 18 on the inside...NOT! 

PSS: I have to trust in God that whatever happens in the years to come that He will be the driving force that helps me through marriage, preggos, staying married and raising the kids.

  

I need a boyfriend...um not so much........

I may have mentioned this before, but you I have never been out of like for someone. I mean I have always liked someone, you know maybe like a crush. When I don't like someone I probably love someone and I would probably in a relationship. Well I haven't been in an OFFICIAL relationship in like a year and a half or so, but that honestly has felt as such, considering my unofficial encounter. Regardless I haven't and right now I am feeling like I don't want to either and it is weird to me a little. I was walking my dog and the thought crossed my mind, well actually it was my imagination working over time.

First it began with me thinking about this fellow who lives near and I was thinking about how attractive he is and how interesting it would be if he tried to holla (is holla like wack to say nowadays?) and what my response would be and how others would respond and...until I thought about who he is and what he does and if he is at my level (mentally not like money and education, that stuff doesn't make someone better) and if he has thoughts of growth that don't sound like some "gangstas paradise of a get rich scam"...that's when I thought about my feelings of actually wanting a boyfriend. It is so much work. Meeting, talking, getting to know, building a trust, growing in "love", etc etc....I guess if it was with someone you might actually stay with and marry maybe that wouldn't be so freaking tedious. After meeting, falling in then out of love a few times I am like blown and at times feel like I could care less and sometimes I feel like maybe I just have pinned up feelings for that "once upon a time fella" that:

"rocked my world you know you did
And everything I own I give
The rarest love, who'd think I find
Someone like you to call mine"

Of course I just cursed him by saying:

"All that Bullsh*t is for the birds you ain't nothing but a vulture."

But of course you know that an ounce of love stays in my heart because that is the type of person that I am overall, my point is that I haven't been in need of a relationship. Not to say that I haven't seen some prospects, I have been trying to get to the Sunglass Hut cause I seen a cutie, but knowing me he is probably like 18. (Cougar like...).


My overall point is I am actually glad that I am into my own thing right now as a single lady cause the truth is this is like the first time. Before as a young girl in college I was just going through the motions of going to school, my head in the clouds and anything was possible. Then I met someone and my focused changed. My focused changed for damn near 4 years. After that I was lost not because of the break up but because of my encounter with being sick and surgery. Finally now I am refocused with lots of energy going towards my wants, education, and career. Not to say that every now and then I am not thinking about a boo, clearly that's what I talk about in my blogs, but I am doing for me. Now I do worry about once I have everything completely on track that I will truely be on that career woman thing that men tend to be afraid of but as I have stated in a previous blog, I am believing that once everything is on track for me everything will be on track for him whoever he maybe and then by chance as another blog states we shall meet until then....

Songs mentions in this week's episode:
I need a boy friend is actually a play on B2K's Girlfriend
You Rock My World by Michael Jackson
Deuces by Chris Brown

A work in process is out there....

So I was talking with my mom and I said: “I wonder if people wonder why I am single? People think that I am so pretty and cute, I wonder about that…”  (When I said people I was not including the jerks on the internet who like to ask: “Why are you single?”)

She said that I shouldn’t worry about that, but if they ask I should tell them I am not trying to settle for anything.

This is the truth….

I really can’t imagine living and loving someone who otherwise makes me miserable. I know what its like and it sucks and I refuse to be in that condition. Settling puts you in that position. No one is perfect sure, but damn, a jobless louse is not the right route I am sure. Even a working louse is still not the one.

I met someone who I feel would be a great candidate for a future, he works, he’s very caring, we share similar opinions and similar interests, he READS BOOKS,  and most of all I liked him, but unfortunately there are too many stipulations surrounding him that keeps him from me both physically and mentally. I think I had his heart, but if you didn’t know love is NOT all you need to make, and now you know. So because of the stipulations its on to the next one for me. It sucks, it hearts. I’ve drops a few tears, I reached out, I gave it time, I’ve gotten fed up, I’ve given it to God, but overall I have had to move on, which difficult when you are thinking that someone. I just can’t settle for anything. I refuse.

You know I have tried to lower my, not standards, but expectations, and look at what I ended up with, a break up like a month after he was sent over seas. His problem too young for him to settle (HA!).

Plenty of guys try to talk to me but it doesn’t take too long for idiotic sounding things to come out and jibber jabber that fills me in on the fact that I won’t be able to go with it.

Now I am 27 and that’s not bad. I am ok with being single. First of all I lose too much of my self in a relationship. I focus a lot of time and energy on that person and I don’t have the time right now with school and trying to work hard. Secondly I still have time.

Personally I try to believe that God is working on it and will show it all in due time. I like to think that my dude is still being worked on by God, well I guess we are always being tweeked but what I mean is that my guy is going through a transformation  right now and as soon as God takes care of this transformation/enlightenment my guy will be revealed to me and from there….

Clearly I am being worked on for someone in particular too…

I wish my guy was Shia Labeouf…LOL! 

It could happen, I’ve have so recently in my own experience learned that God works very very very very mysteriously and works miracles that leave people dumbfounded so who’s to say Shia and I won’t meet and make little Transformer/Indian Jones babies. I’m just saying don’t try to predict God and never say never. (A lil piece of me still loves Marques Houston as well.)